December 25, 2010

Ka-Boom

I woke up on Christmas Eve in one of the worst depressed moods I have been in in a looong time.

It paralyzed me for most of the day, although I was able to act like I was happy for some of the evening while I was with people.  I have spent a couple hours playing FreeCell and listening to my youtube playlist and I realized a couple reasons for everything. (Yay for processing! And yay for a potential solution?)

1) I had a dream that morning about work and the promotion I was hoping to get.  Somehow the new CSM was my mom and she was making a schedule of work and I overheard her telling one other people to leave room for me to train for bookkeeper.

-- So somehow my subconscious is looking forward to getting it.  Making it a sure thing instead of just a possibility. I am also having authority issues as I see the new CSM like I see my mom (she is SO not like my mom).  I sure hope we have a better relationship!

2) I shared deeply of myself recently.  Things I have not told many people, and things that I have kept hidden for a long time.  I feel incredibly vulnerable and it is triggering my trust issues.  Red alert; hide; protect yourself; etc.  Every time I do this (share) I get this gut feeling that the person I share with will abandon me/hurt me/break my trust/something.  It has happened in the past, so it is not entirely an irrational response.  I just didn't see it coming this time.

3) I am a "physical touch" love language person.  Around the time I became a teenager it became a bad thing to hug and tackle hug (my favorite) and to touch other people in general.  So I buried it along with the other parts of me that were deemed inappropriate/bad/unladylike/etc.
Recently, I had a reciprocation of affection in the form of holding hands and hugs and it totally sent me for a tailspin.  I found myself humming happy tunes to myself (and by the time I realized it I had apparently been doing it all day), and dancing around the room, and overall feeling like life was beautiful.

--- now life is back to normal.


I feel like my closet of issues got the door unlocked and came crashing down on me.  I spent most of the morning crushed, trying to push things off me and work out what exactly was the matter.  I even passive-aggressive asked people for help and then refused to talk to them.

I feel like a stick of dynamite that exploded all over w hen it shouldn't have and messed every one's holiday up....

December 18, 2010

Father Thoughts

Lately I have been playing this song over and over again:


I keep having trouble being able to accept that I am loved by God.
As a father-figure.
As MY FATHER.


I dont remember much of my very young childhood, but I do remember this one secret name thing my dad and I had for eachother that we made up on our one furlough out west. He liked it a lot and I liked the rhyming aspect of it. I was his little girl.

As I grew up, somehow we lost that. I remember being concerned about something and asking him if I could talk to him about it. He had an errand to run that was a 30-minute motorcycle-trip away and so he let me ride behind him and try to ask about it.
It was something I had overheard my mother saying to someone else about "how much time" he spent at home versus away doing "ministry." I was shocked when I first heard that, but I watched and realized it was true. I hardly ever saw my Daddy.

I tried to tell him it in my 10-year-old knowledge of emotional distance, but I remember him turning it into a debate. He challenged me to make a graph of the time he was "at home" and the time he was away. I remember dutifully keeping that list for a week before I threw it away. #1 problem was that he was right. He was "at home" much more often than he was gone. #2 problem was that the graph was messy. #3 problem was that I didn't want to talk about it all of the sudden.

I realize now that I am older that although he was physically "at home" all the hours he was sleeping or eating, or doing something ELSE and not with us is what I should have been counting. Because even after all that I had to force (or ask ahead) to get him to myself.


I remember a couple months ago, an old family friend telling me that my father loved me. I bust into tears and shook my head. No, I remember with perfect clarity the last time I KNEW my daddy loved me.


It was September. I may have been 11 or twelve, I don't remember exactly the year.
We had just had a fellowship at our house, and it was a bummer night for me. I had wanted a couple things to play out and stuff had gone wrong. I especially wanted to talk with a certain boy and he had ignored me the whole night.
I sat down on the couch dejected and upset about life in general not going the way I would have liked.
Somehow Daddy was walking by, and instead of doing any of the number of things he might have had to do; he sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulder, and asked me how I was and how things were going.
I remember that something inside broke and I turned towards him, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. In public, in the middle of our living room.
I remember that the boy I wanted to talk to walked off and I didnt care that he left for the night. I dont think I ever SAID anything, or that Daddy said anything else. But I remember crying and hugging him and him hugging me and knowing that he loved me and that it was ok.



Since then.... I dont know. I know that a lot of times he did not love me. Or the family. That we were not his first priority. And it still hurts me to this day.
Talking about it today triggered all these memories I think. Right now all I want to do is have him see how hard I am crying and to ask him WHY.


I remember not too many months ago when I had to ask him for permission to use the phone. He pressed me for all the details and what exactly I was going to say and why I needed it and why I needed it at that time. After a couple minutes of this he said that I needed to wait until he got home so we could talk about it.... more.
I have never been so exasperated!  I remember being so angry that my hands shook so badly that I dropped the phone and I could not really control myself.  Mother thought I had "thrown" the phone and she was mad at me for that.  She said I was "throwing a temper tantrum" because he did not just give me what I wanted right away.  I screamed incoherently something about "that is not true" and started crying.  She said it was so true and too look at myself.  I was throwing a huge pity party.
I remember not being able to see clearly and almost screaming at her: "He calls THIS love?  He SAYS HE LOVES ME?!?!"
I dont remember what she said.  I remember pushing past shocked and frozen little siblings (who heard me screaming and came running) to hid in my room the rest of the day. (I was grounded anyway, so I was technically just returning to my cell)

I'm not sure how all this interprets, but maybe its the trust issues that we children all have are cropping up for me this past week.  Any serious relationship I have has been hampered by them.  And right now I cant sleep, tormented by the question "Why?" and the tears that only flow as long as the heart grieves.

December 16, 2010

Life (2)

Ok, so I am on an out as far as creativity is concerned.
I dont know if it is the weather, or temperature, or stuff happening, or staying up too late at night, or what, but Ive been having pretty severe mood swings this week.

~From happy/excited to crying/depressed and back and inbetween.

The girls at work have been telling me how quiet and serious I have been lately and I have had to wonder myself.  Most times I feel "normal" (well, like how I always do inside) but I just have nothing to say.
That is how phone conversations have been to.  I sit quiet and let the other person talk, which has been an exercise as well as a general lack of ideas on my part of topics to discuss.


I *did* talk to the girl-who-was-taking-charge and she said I would have to talk with the Store Manager.
At first he was really curt with me (he has been looking upset all week, people talking with him all the time, stuff like that).  I did not want to talk with him while someone else was arguing with him about some aspect of the store, and I didnt want to disturb him if he was doing anything serious.  So, I dont know what was different about Monday, but something inside told me to ask him TODAY. 
I found the courage in the afternoon as he was leaving front end.  "____, I have a break around 4.  Could I talk to you then?"
He looked at me askance, and then nodded and walked off.


Then, as I got my lunch (soup. it was SOOOO cold!!) he came to the cafe and sat down with me.  I was suddenly scared to death, and I realized that I had not rehearsed anything to say, or figured out how to approach the subject.  I think he realized how hesitant I was and he got nicer and more gentle.  He said that I would have to "prove myself" to the new CSM and after a week or two I should ask them.

All things considered it went pretty well.  But I know I have to be really ready before I "talk to people in authority" because I have this excessive fear about getting yelled at or brushed off by them.
When talking about it later I burst into tears.
Just talking about it.  Even now writing about it I am getting upset inside.  All tight and my throat is burning.


On to other issues: I am learning how to budget and plan out getting a paycheck and bleeding it out to last two weeks.  Repairing my car, buying myself food when I want something different from what they have at the house (rice :D), christmas presents, gas.... things like that that keep life interesting and teach me how to make it.
*que "I Made It" by the Cash Money Heroes.....

December 8, 2010

Life...

I am learning more things and trying to grow, and hopefully getting stronger.

I am learning now about the difference between worldviews and how they affect one's life.
I am really scared about saying anything at work because two employees left/got fired/something happened.  I fear that if I ask what happened I will get censured. 
Mrs. G keeps telling me that they are not "looking for sin" in my life.
One of the leavings/fires/disappeared was the guy in charge who was planning on moving me up the ranks to become a book keeper.  I am now wondering what my future holds if I am stuck making minimum wage as a cashier.

Mrs. G encouraged me to talk to the girl who is taking over until a new manager-in charge-person comes in.  She said that I need to let people know that I want to move up and do more and that it would be looked on favorably for me to be trying to take on more responsibility.  I was afraid that I would be seen as self-seeking, or pushy or something.

*sigh.  Sometimes I see just how starkly all this has been entrenched in my mind, as well as how little I really know about the outside world. It is nice to not have to be concerned.  But at the same time I am not sure I entirely believe her.  Is she sure?  Will it really be ok?
I am so messed up...

December 3, 2010

The War of Darkness and Light (pt. 1)

One of the biggest mental shifts I have had to make in transitioning out of cult-like teachings is the "us vs. them" mentality which I have heard some people say is the worst of all the teachings.
Immediate judgements are my specialty.  With my ready, sarcastic, wit I can easily hurt someone and I am very good at making spot-judgements as to the person's spirituality, modestly, humility, attitude, etc.

Just call a spade a spade: pride and superiority is the base attitudes behind all this.  (and I think the base of the reason why some people attack others who seem to be a harm to their teachings/enterprise)
I know better, I AM better, I have the answer, I know why you are struggling so much with this.

My first step to overcoming this shameful habit, was to work on my "Black and White" vision.

Something is either black or white.  Good or bad.  Godly or sinful. God's or Satan's.
There is no alternative.  No other options.  My mother used to say many times "...there are only two powers in this world.  God and Satan.  If it is not 'of God' then what is it....?"

And this way of thinking is also just the easiest way of living life. Whenever anything comes up (if it has not already been decided by the system) that has not been placed into one of the two categories it is immediately (and hastily) scrutinized and then padlocked into one of them.
Legalism is the lazy man’s faith. It takes the beauty and serenity of God’s rest and reduces it to something we’re more comfortable with—an easy list of rules to keep.

You never have to think about that thing. You never have to puzzle your mind about whether it's idiosyncrasies might make it belong to another category, because there is no other category.
Why do you think these groups/churches break apart so easily?
Why do the list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" vary so drastically within these family-cults?
(ie. disney movies vs. no-disney movies vs. no movies, TV, or anything; skirts only vs. culottes acceptable; long hair vs. hair always up vs. hair-covering vs. braids vs. curls; makeup vs. no paint)
(ps. these are only some of the "debates" I have personally overheard/been in in conservative circles.  This one family who thought "courtship" was too liberal had an extensive collection of disney movies.  This other family who had nothing really against carefully planned dating would not enter the other family's house because of the disney movies, and they were upset that their daughter [age 5] pointed to the brightly colored cassette cases and asked what they were [CONTAMINATION!!!!])
"Like minded" is more than just a system of worldview when your worldview is so highly specialized.
Each box of "dark" and "light" must contain the same items.  An overlap can lead to an outbreak of debate, disharmony, difficulties in families being together and [heaven forbid] questions from the children.

Imagine how hard it is for a child who has loved disney movies her whole life to suddenly have her new friend telling her they are evil.  In Satan's box.
Imagine now a young man meeting the teenaged son of another family and hearing the other boy talk about his dating experience.

It is generally termed "cognitive dissonance" and it seriously screws with a child's ability to place things in boxes and KEEP them there.

Yet it (putting things in boxes) must be done.  There are no other options.
Two boxes vs. everything in "the world."


Back to my story: My first step was to try to break out of the "two sizes must fit all" mentality.
Is sex before marriage going to send you to hell?
How about just "emotional impurity?"
What happens if you leave your parents without their permission?
Are all gay people really God-haters?
Is birth control really intentional child-killing?
Aren't all feminists man-haters?
Buying something for yourself is gluttony/selfishness.

Any and all of the above were things I personally had to think over.  Boxes that had to be hacked open with the sword of division, and re-evaluated.
And there have to be more categories.  Because not everything is black OR white.  Some things can be either/or.  Some things have nothing to do with sin or not sin.
(Personal example: Jeans.  My sister was talking to me on the phone one day after she left, telling me how versatile and easy jeans were to wear/match/go out in/work in.  She told me her amazing discovery. Wearing jeans was not a SIN.  In fact, it had nothing to do with morality at all.  It was a PIECE OF CLOTHING.  It was not black.  It was not white.  It was not a color at all.  It did not need a box.

It blew my mind like it blew hers)
[ps. yes, my father firmly believed and taught and debated the fact that jeans were symbols of the '60s era rebellion.  That people wore them as rebellion and to go against the culture and that wearing jeans was only going back to that and everyone who wore them was a rebel.  If one had hard labor to perform, like feeding the pigs, or painting, or doing handyman work (he had a pair of them) then jeans were acceptable.  Not preferred, and not OK, merely acceptable]

It is hard work.  It is disturbing to find out the level of hate and prejudice that I have for people who have not harmed me or done anything other than claim a label.  I have not even met some people in these evil groups (well, I guess I have met most of them now, but I hadn't for a while) and I have condemned them all to hell-fire.  Just for something they have decided is right in their own lives.

So the guy training me may be gay. Is he any less-qualified to train me?  Am I too good to be trained by him?  Does it affect our work-related job?
So, my fellow casheir-girl is 17 and on birth control.  Do I shun her lifestyle, choices, and life-goals?  Do I preach abstinence at her every time we work together?

The distaste in my mouth is a good feeling.  I do not want to be a proud, arrogant holier-than-thou snob.  I was for too many years.  It never got me anywhere, and in fact it alienated people I might have become good friends with.....

(next part I will discuss more of the pride/superiority aspect)

November 30, 2010

"I used to..."

I can't seem to take my eyes off them.

These ladies come into the store about twice a week and usually on Tuesdays.  I watch them as they walk around, as they put things into their cart, and as they go through checkout.  It isn't just an intense fascination, it is sheer familiarity.

I can feel my skirt, like phantom pains for a lost limb, swishing around my ankles.  I can feel my hair reaching all the way to my hips.  I can see me staring at myself like I was a freak show, like other people used to stare at me. 

I was working with a new department; training to open in the mornings, and the guy who was training me noticed how I looked.  I "apologized" saying something to the effect of "I used to look like that."
His face changed drastically.  First he was surprised, then incredulous, then he looked me over and his face said he didn't believe me.
I had to laugh.  Yes, I am a far cry from that; now.  But I am telling the truth.

He asked me: "What faith is that?"
I hesitated and he waited.
"I would not call it a faith, more like organized religion..." I fumbled trying to express something cognizant in a nutshell of a moment. 
"It is an extreme, conservative branch of evangelical fundamentalism."
He nodded. 
I asked if he had heard of "patriarchy" or "quiverful." 
He nodded with a pretty sure face.  Then he said: "They are good people."
I looked at him and wondered, and asked how he meant.
He said: "Well, the are always nice and their kids are well behaved and respectful...."
He turned and saw my face and that I was about to correct him and he said: "Well, at least in public."
I coughed a little and said something about being forced to with shame and discipline, and he though about that for a while.

By then they were gone from the store, and we didn't talk about it anymore.

Holiday Thoughts

Thanksgiving is to grocery stores what Black Friday is to "stuff" stores. 

We were all working mega hours, breaking for a breath and to rest our feet and then back at it again. 
Then, suddenly, it was over.

Holidays were never big in our family.  We bucked tradition at all points possible, but we usually celebrated thanksgiving by having people over and doing some Bible Study/Fellowship. 
Grandparents, friends, any available people.

For thanksgiving I didn't have to cook at all.  In fact, I barely did anything.  We hung out, watched movies, and ate until the food was gone.
The day after thanksgiving Mrs. G and family got out all the Christmas decorations.  I must say that it was fun putting on decorations after not doing it so long.  I also got to put lights up outside which I have never done. 

At work I am training for a new, different part of the store.  Saturday I have to do it all by myself.
Then, my manager said he will have me train to learn book keeping.


God has been so amazing through my journey to where I am now.  I was just trying to explain today to my "trainer" why I was 20 and not in college and excited for my first job.  The look on his face was priceless when I answered some of his questions.  I guess I should get used to it.  When people hear weird stories they get that look on their face.  I am learning what "normal" is and what it is not.

Anyway, back to God.  I would not be here if not for the work He has been doing.  I have not actually read a Bible in a couple months.  Not that I have not had scripture around me, because I do attend church and I have biblegateway.com that gets me the exact verse I was thinking of.
It has been so liberating to get to know Him without the trappings and chains of organized study.  Or scheduled prayer, or Bible readings, or anything.
At my lunch breaks, I sometimes lean my head on my knees and breathe.  I whisper something like: "I am so glad You are here with me, and that You love me, and that You are making my path unfold before me..."
I really have no idea where life will take me next.  I am not really brave enough to think about facing it on my own, but that is why He is with me.  If I have learned anything, I have learned that He loves me, and that He is with me.  And that makes it all worthwhile.

November 19, 2010

My response to "Steadfast Daughters" (2)

This verse came to me as I was writing these ladies and email:
(their blog is still closed to any comments)

Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
Does that sound familiar? I think Stacy, Christy, and their crew would say they are righteous. That they are sure they are doing the best thing; standing in self-elected judgement over a sister in Christ.

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
One the epitome of evil, and one pure "godliness"

The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector.

And on their comments-closed blog they say amongst themselves: "God, we thank You that we have the opportunity to share the truth with these sinful girls who have been lead astray by deception, antinomianism, selfishness, self-pity, and such. Thank You that we are not like them.

I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’

We submit to our husbands, and have houses full of ship-shape children who have not (and will not.... had better not!!) rebelled against us. We glorify Your name in all our writings and speeches and use the money we make from it for godly purposes.

And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’
And Hillary, and the girls (like me) who have been through enough to turn our hair grey lay on the floor, weeping, saying: "God, Your grace and love for me are amazing. I don't know why You care, or what I have done to deserve it. I am so weak and emotionally spent right now that I can't get off the floor. But I know You are there, and You are my only answer, and the sole reason for Hope in this wretched life."
And then we fall into an exhausted sleep, to wake up the next morning and face the world again, full of hard work, pain, and abusers: like our parents, and Stacy McDonald and all her clan.

November 17, 2010

Hindered

How many fathers/patriarchs/leaders are there out there who pray?

I guess that is a slightly rhetorical question.  All of them pray!  Religion is the framework for their lifestyle and they are "The Head."  They stand before God responsible for the lives, sins, and intercession for their families.


Have you ever wondered, though, if God hears them?
Seriously.
Maybe their prayers bounce off the ceiling and come back echoing on their deaf ears and pompous hearts.  Maybe God sighs, and shakes His head, and wishes He could do something, but refuses to go against the rules He set in place.  He cannot come down blazing and shining and smack sense into them, can He?  He has other people, outside influences, words from people, speeches on the radio.... anything to reach the cold hearts of those who control and abuse and manipulate and indoctrinate as they see fit.

Why am I saying all this?
I remember once, taking notes on an interesting Bible passage:
Husbands, likewise... giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel... that your prayers may not be hindered.

Basically, when a man does not honor his ezer; when he lords his authority over her; when he does not dwell in love; when he does not take time and effort to understand her-- his prayers are hindered.

All his words, supplications, desires, and showy phrases merely hit the ceiling and bounce back.

I wonder if this applies to children as well.
Why does scripture not have any specific father-child or mother-child commands like it does for husband-wife or wife-husband.
When a father does not listen to, dwell with in understanding, and care for his children as weaker vessels, as precious souls to be guarded and shepherded-- are his prayers also hindered?
Or when parents of adult children stifle their gifts, impose their worldview, standards, and restrictions on them, and punish their mind and soul when they disobey?  Does that count?

I mean why not!  It is the job of the parent to give their children the necessary skills to live an abundant life for God's glory?
Tell me what you think.

November 15, 2010

Cashier Conversation 1.4

Concerning Donations:

So you would not believe the excuses people give to not give $1 to a donation program for thanksgiving turkeys.

"I already give through work..."
"Where the money goes is not clear..."  (I then explained it to her, but she still refused to give)
"I don't know where I'm giving yet this year, but.... I'll think about it!"
"I already donate through my church..."
"I gave a dollar last week!"
"I have to go..." (while still sitting there swiping their card)
"I'll do it next time"

And of course, my favorite: "I'll have to ask my husband!"

November 5, 2010

My response to "Steadfast Daughters"

 When I said something online about my reaction to Stacy McDonald's new endeavor to attack Hillary McFarland's book, one of my friends reacted strongly and said: (in part)

 ...as believers, however, God has called us to a higher plane. We are to take every thought captive. We are to do good to all men, especially those of the household of faith. Whether you agree with the author or not, you are to do good to her.
I guess my question to you is what is the root cause of your anger? Anger merely shows us that something is wrong, out of balance. When we respond to the emotion of anger in a Christ-like manner it allows us to grow in Christ.

I responded:
I am not too holy to admit that I want people to hurt and suffer! 

It may be a wrong wish, but I know that even God hates it when children are taken and enslaved and traded like chattel.
I can wish that every single modern-day slave owner got an instantly fatal heart-attack.  It may not exactly be fair and pretty to think about, but it is without question a logical emotional response on the part of a human who loves justice and wishes for all things in the world to be fair and good.

I am angered by what she says, and how she carried out what she did, and the general slimy nature of her and her kind.  I am angry because almost literally I can hear my father using the same language, and way of speaking, and better-than-thou-Christianisms, and I know what bondage her words will be to young women (specifically those who read her stuff).  I am angry that she would underhandedly pit one sister against another and then PUBLISH such material.  I am angry that she then calls herself a chrisitan and claims to be the "biblical" way.  I think she should be ashamed, and I am aghast by her fierce agenda to bring down such a grace-filled and healing book like Hillary's.  I am angry because she is upholding abusers.  I am angry because her response to me was to tell me that I was wrong and lying and that everything I know is actually just a simple sin problem.  I am angry because she claims that God's way is this way and I know that it is actually a way that leads to death.  (my sister and I both fought with suicide)   It is pretentious at best and downright evil and nasty at worse.  And that makes me very angry.

I am angry at myself for reading her books.  I am angry at myself for following her writings and that of similar ladies like Jennie Chancey and others.  I am angry that they still have the power to use words to bring me in.  I am angry that I almost want to agree with her.  I am angry that I am not free from the effects of brainwashing yet.  I am angry that I can't understand a God of love and grace and unending forgiveness because of the way I was taught.  I am angry that I live by works because of the model I was presented.  I am angry that I wasted years and years in all this.  I am angry that just when I finally found someone who loves and cares deeply for me and for girls like me, who has gone through so many of the same things, who wrote a book that inspired me to live and keep living, that a woman like Stacy would find it her calling to smear it in all manner of ways.  That she would make a WHOLE WEBSITE dedicated to shooting it down.

I am angry, hurt, upset, and a general basket case right now.

Then, after I sent her that response, I though of a deeper reason.
Just the other night I watched a video by a Christian band that broke my heart.  God whispered to me that He loved me.  I fought.  I cried.  I was shaking all over and I told Him that if He knew what was good for Him he would leave me alone and go find better people to give grace and help to.  I curled up in fetal position in a corner and sobbed.  But when I looked around He was still there.  He sat beside me, and when I pushed Him away He held on to me.And then He held me while I cried.  He didn't say anything else, just stayed there and refused to leave.
I have "known" all my life that I was not a good person.  That I am a broken, wreak of a could-have-been that is not worth saving.  I don't think anyone necessarily told me that, but it was one of the most important life lessons I learned nonetheless.  Instinctively, I push people away when they get too close.  And it is for their own good.  In the back of my mind there is a knowledge that I will abandon everyone.  That no matter what words are coming out of their mouths, no matter what they have done for me in the past, no matter how strongly secure I might feel in that moment, that it will come.  That I will do something so terrible and so hurtful that no one will ever want me ever again.  So why let anyone near now?  I will only break their hearts later.  I will be a disappointment, disgrace, and shame.
So leave me alone.

Be better off and happy without me.
Please!


Things like that music video are like hammers, beating on the sides the iron box around my heart.  Or things like Hillary's book are a welding torch slowly tearing apart the seams of my prison.


For Stacy McDonald to dedicate a whole blog to keeping this away makes me very angry. Yes.
Like refusing to stop the bleeding of a dangerous wound.  Like blocking up the exits to a burning building.  Like adding insult to injury.

November 4, 2010

Cashier Conversation 1.3

~I figured it was high time for another one of these!!


Customer: "I get a case discount on these...."
I ring up 12 of them for a case and he gets a discount on them.  The other 9 I charge normal for.  He gets upset, so we call over a bookkeeper.  She can't give him a case discount on 9, so we call over the manager, who (to my surprise) asks the man, (semi-politely, with an edge in his voice) to put in an order for a case if he wants a full case discount.  The man argues and almost shouts, but the manager keeps his voice even and after a bit punches a couple buttons on the screen.  The customer asks for the home office number to complain about the manager and the store and the manager writes it all down coolly on a scrap of receipt and hands it to him.  The customer huffs, pays for his order and leaves.
My fellow-cashier girl who was also bagging for me at the time told me that this guy pulls this stunt every week or so.  He apparently came to my line because I had not had him before.  He bullies the other girls and most of the time gets what he wants (10% off on a case/non-case) but not this time!
(yay, I'm the new meat!)


*I just finished checking one girl out.  With her was another girl and guy.  They might have been family of friends, either way.
The guy leans over the counter and looks me in the eyes "I know I don't know you or anything," he begins. (Me: Ummmm..... *has no idea what to expect from that)
He continues: "But I didn't used to have peace or joy in my life until I read the Bible and....."
(Me thinking: *rotfl!!!!!!  I am being "witnessed to"!!!!)
I laughed out loud, and that cut him off.  I asked if I looked sad or lost or something.  He looked confused and the girls said no, I didn't.  I told him that it was nice that he was trying, and that it was a brave thing to try.  I didn't tell him that it was a pretty bad try, but with practice he should get better.
They asked me if I thought I was going to heaven.  I laughed again, and said that I was pretty sure I was, but that if they asked my father he would say no.  They were confused (of course) so I just told them that I left an extremely religious cult, and all that, and they encouraged me to read the Bible and get to know God for myself.


The store closes at 9 pm.  At approximately 8:58pm about 5-10 people come into the store.  I was absolutely shocked, as common decency and respect for rules have been well-ingrained in me.  I asked the bookkeeper if we could shut the doors, and she said that it was the MOD's job.  Then, when he came to the front to lock down, he let in a couple more people (after 9 by this time).
Surprisingly, they all got out of the store by 9:30, but we were just (*slightly) annoyed.


Older (greying) black guy checking out... there is a bag with a couple of something in it.  I pick it up and ask (to be sure) "Are these dates?"
"Yeah," he says.  "Do you want one?"
Me: *laugh politely, because I assume it was a joke.
Him: "Actually, I was just joking.  I wouldn't date you because I only date 'church girls.'  I am waiting for the girl God brings into my life, so I go to church all the time."
Me: o.0 (*thinks: WHAT?!?  I'm not a church girl?  I have gone 'to church' more this past three months than my whole life combined!!!)


For Halloween I dressed up in one of the long black skirts I owned and went as a gypsy.  I bought some large, obnoxious, and shiny gold jewelry for it and wore a bandanna and bright red lipstick.  It was so much fun!!!!!  I love dressing up, like when I was in plays or theater, so it was a lot like that, but I took care of details, and everyone said it was a great costume.  I made people smile all evening and returning customers remember me for it.  It was great fun and I will definitely be plying my creativity next year to do it again!

That night, as I was taking bagging up some stuff, this little girl looked up at me and said: "Ooooh, you are so preeetty!!!"  I smiled kindly at her, and asked what she was going to be for the evening (yes, I can't believe I actually SAID that! :P).  She said she was going to be a princess.  Her little brother (not more than 7 years old) said that he was going to be "A....a... knight!" (He fumbled trying to remember the right words) "A knight in shining armour!"
I laughed: "Would you be MY knight?" I asked him
He looked at me very solemnly and considered it for a moment.
"No thanks," he said, and walked away.  Oh, how everyone laughed.



This place seems to be a good one to "get away" in.  One lady who was recently hired as a cashier came here from farther north.  She is getting divorced from her husband and is trying to "start a whole new life" down here with her sister and bunch of friends.  She varies in how she tells the story, sometimes saying she just "came here to get away" and sometimes talking about her husband.  I once teased her about something and said "Ohh... I am going to have to smack you for that one!" and she said "Huh.... I haven't been hit in a couple months..." or something like that.  Please pray for her.  She is on my heart.  Her sister came to the store one evening and seemed to be bright, cheerful, and full of life, so I know that she is in a safe place.

Also, one of the bookkeepers talked to me about her new life here.  She had a great career with a big company and a nice life in another country, but when her marriage fell apart, she left everything and now she and her child are living here.  She does not like working in "the frikin' grocery business" but she is in a relationship with another guy who she says is great.  He is a divorcee as well and has a child.  I try to remember to pray that her life will turn a corner.

M. (my bestie) is working two jobs and gets about 4 hours of sleep every 36 hours or so.  Her mother has cancer and the rest of the family is doing very little.   I don't know what happened to her marriage, but she has two teens who make her life.... "interesting."  Even so she is perky when at work, very kind to me (she trained me my first day), and one of the best workers there.  She talked to me yesterday about what I was going to do with my life and encouraged me to not let my 20s lay fallow.  I mentioned that I liked this place and she encouraged me to take management classes or something and move up.  Then, she told the CSM that I was going to be a bookkeeper.
She makes my day, every day she is there.

October 22, 2010

Worth It?



Maybe it is a female trait, or a trait of a self-absorbed person, but my background makes it a lot more pronounced I think.

We fault and blame ourselves.

I remember a conversation with on dear QD who said that she "made up" for the lack of negative criticism from parents/authorities by turning on herself.  We discussed how it affected us and our level of self-confidence.
All the time, there is something wrong.  There are imperfections in life.  In the "perfect family" there is no excuse, and blame-shifting lands most/all of the guilt square on the shoulders of the oldest child involved.  "You should have known better" "You need to think ahead"  "You were not acting maturely" "You need to take that to God"  "You are...."  "You are not..."
So many myriad of things are (or are made to be) your fault that you assume upon yourself the mentality of "if something is wrong it must be me."
"If anything messes up it was probably an error on my part"

Unconsciously (and probably unintentionally) we begin to degrade ourselves and when people care, or when it is not our fault, or when someone says something like:


"You are worth the effort"


it turns your whole world upside down.  They must be talking about someone else!  *look over shoulder to see if anyone is behind me.  The idea that I matter, as me, is pretty ludicrous.  The idea that I matter to other people as more than a worker, or helper, even when they don't benefit from me is preposterous. 
Sometimes, it hurts.  My heart does this little pitter-patter like it wants to believe.  Hope against all common sense and reasoning (ie. everything I have ever learned/known to be true).  Tears come to my eyes as I ponder the paths before me.  Before my "common sense and logical reasoning" crushes the hope, can I believe?  Can I allow myself to trust myself?  Can I accept their words? 

October 21, 2010

Cashier Conversation 1.2

mash from the last couple weeks



Me: Good morning!
Guy: Oh, don't be nice to me.  Save it for gentlemen like him (points to older man who just finished a purchase).... He then tells about how no one has (ever) been nice to him and how all his former bosses used to hate him, etc, etc
Me:  Well, I am told to be nice to everyone, so I can't make an exception for you.  Sorry.
Him: Ah, I see how it is.  Life according to Jen... I like (the sound of) that!
Me: *finishing transaction
Him: just remember; don't overwork because you aren't overpaid!!


Guy: Is this beer good?
Me: *laugh really hard: I'm underage!
Guy: Oh...... sorry......


Me: *trying to figure out the code for something I never checked out before
Guy: *after finally getting it right ...I never used to drink smoothies.  I always thought they were for like, old people!
Me: 0.o   I make my own.
*we proceed to swap recipies and I hold up the line about 3 minutes


*a lady was writing out a check and something needed supervisor approval on the machine, so the couple in line had to wait.  I thanked them for waiting and asked if they would be patient just a bit longer.
Girl: Oh, no problem! (typical response)
Guy: NO!!! *sarcastic smile
*girl turns to him and whispers something about how not nice that could be taken
*I just laugh, and so does everyone else


*me bagging for another casheir.
Lady: Can you make the bags really light?
*me thinking: really light?  How light is really light?
*I pack some stuff (4 or 5 things) in a bag, and slide it over to her.
*she lifts the bag slightly: No, this is too heavy.
*I pull half of the stuff out and put it into 2 bags.
Cashier girl begins packing as well.  Her stuff needs to go in 3 bags.
It eventually gets to the point that we realize that two 12oz water bottles in a bag are about what she calls "too heavy."  About 15 bags later we get everything packed up, and she asks for help to take everything (that fits into one cart) out to her car.  I push the cart out to her car, and lift half the bags with one hand and we manage to stuff everything into an already crowded trunk (not unpacked from vacation she said) of beach towels.  Cashier girl said she may have had back surgery or something.

October 18, 2010

The life of a cashier: Part II

Today was the worst day at my job ever.  I just got back from a weekend off seeing friends and attending a wedding.  I walked into work today (monday) happy with life and glad to be back and eager to have another day making money.

The CSM pulled me aside and said he had something to tell me.  I sat down and realized he was pretty serious.  He usually jokes around with me and we have fun all day at work, so it was scary.  He told me that a mystery shopper had some through my line and I had done poorly.  So poorly, in fact that I got the lowest score ever.  Front End lost 30 points, and the Store Manager refused to even print it out.
He said it was amazing because he liked me a lot and it was "not the Jen that he hired" reflected in the review.

With a serious warning ringing in my ears, I began work and thought about how to do things better.  I made conversation with EVERYONE about just about anything.  I asked about their favorite products, I asked them about their pets when they bought pet food, and I even said stuff like "nice grapes" when there was nothing else to say.

Yet, as the day wore on I miss-typed a number and charged a lady for escarole instead of peppers.  I priced asparagus as organic when it was conventional, and I forgot coupons that were in my hand.  People kept having to go to Customer Service to fix my mistakes.  I got off work early because I am apparently going to need to work an extra hour later in the week.
I was able to keep a calm face up until I swiped my time card to check out.  Then I cried.  I cried and cried....  For some reason the back was completely empty, so I was not seen.  However, when I went out the side of produce so fewer people would see me, the MOD caught me and asked what was the matter.  In between wiping my eyes I explained a little.  He encouraged me to be more careful with the codes, and told me that he makes mistakes too, and that little things can always be fixed, but I still didn't feel better.  At least he was nice and listened.
He told me to smile, and I told him I was off the clock.  He laughed and let me go.

I drove out to the lake and just sat.  The sunset was pretty, but it only helped so much.  I am still upset and near tears.  Mrs. G said that it was probably not the worst day of my life, and I agreed.  But she also said that life would not always throw me bad curves, and told me stories about her bad days.
She is right.  It isn't all bad.  Being here is the best thing about it right now.

October 13, 2010

The life of a cashier: Part I

I am known as the heavy-bagger.  I get so much in the bags that people lift (or just try to lift) the bags and their faces contort and they set them back down and proceed to pack everything much more messily into two bags.   I am such an MK!  Lol, packing and me are old friends.


I hate people who stuff things in bags.  Seriously: ARRANGE!!!  More stuff fits, it will be more easily unpacked later, nothing will get crushed, and it looks nicer!!!


I hate people who stand there and act like I need to do all the work myself.  Yes, I am getting paid to do it all, but just because of that I am not a second-class person.  I am more than fine with checking you out and bagging everything, but if you have several bags worth of stuff it will take some time and don't act like *I* am the one making you late!  The girls with perfect hair and upturned noses are the worst.


I think it is amusing that I usually have no trouble asking people who buy wine/beer for their age, yet other people feel really bad about it, or get people who get mad at having to tell.
I think it is even more amusing when older single guys forget that they bought wine and think I am asking their age for other reasons. (yes, it happened)  He said: "Oh... I thought you were checking me out!" I laughed wryly and said "Well, I *AM* checking you out, but not in THAT way...." *coughcough*   It was a bit strange.


I am getting used to smiling forever and standing.  But I love my breaks.  I sit out on the patio in the warm sunlight and close my eyes and soak it in.  Peace.

I hate it when customers come up to my line and say "Hi, how are you...."  I HATE HATE HATE it!!!!  Maybe it is just my third-world social culture upbringing, but they DON'T CARE that I am tired and that I didn't sleep very well last night, or that I am happy and humming myself a tune from the pop station.  They DON'T CARE, and I feel obligated to say SOMETHING back.  And how I hate murmuring "good" or "fine" or such nonsense because it means nothing.  Asking someone how they are doing should MEAN "I care about you and your welfare and I have not talked with you yet today, or this week, or recently, therefore tell me how life is for you and what God has been doing in you..."
I know, I know.  I am fighting a loosing battle.  There is no way I am going to be able to change the culture here.  But I hate that I myself and falling into it.  I have not yet asked anyone "How are you doing" because I can ask other things like "Did you find everything ok?" or "Are you signed up for our coupon emails?" or "Welcome to _______ (store name)"
I need to get myself calloused enough to just smile or say "hello" or "welcome" when they ask me how I am.  I keep forgetting.  I tell customers that I am tired, or that my feet hurt, or that I want some ice cream, and they must think I am a weird cashier.  Anything other than "good....fine" right?


For as much as I am wary around children, they seem to be attracted to me.  My CSM loves them and stops for every one and talks nicely to them or gives them stickers.  They laugh and the babies coo and the little girls blow him kisses.  I had a little boy spit on me yesterday.
Seriously.
I first met this child as I was walking out to a break.  He jumped in my path, and yelled "Boo" at me.  I laughed, because he looked like my second-littlest bro.  Sandy blonde hair, impish grin, and unable to stay still.
I met him again later as I was helping bag for his mother who was checking out in a different line.  I did not notice him at first, but when she pushed the cart towards me to put the full bags in, there he was.  I pretended not to notice, and then I jumped at him and said "Boo" in a non-threatening way.  His little brother of about 4 was sitting in the seat of the cart and he burst out laughing.  The mother recognized me and smiled.  Then, the 4 year old decided to join in the fun by making animal noises.  After bandying back and forth for a bit (the mother was getting a lot of groceries) he ran out and decided to see how spitting would get me to react.  So he spit!  I was a little shocked, but not entirely surprised, as I have had that happen to me in my previous life.  His mother quickly (very quickly, it must have happened previously) turned to him and scolded him fiercely.  There was a moment of peace, and then the older boy (original "boo" boy) decided to try and he spit on me, only with more force, projectiles and accuracy than the little boy.  I was nearly done bagging, so I turned (while still working, oh yeah I gots me some mad skills) and wagged my finger in his face and told him no strictly.  He seemed a bit shocked, and his mother did too.  But she also told him no.  (He was already sitting in the cart because he was a bad boy)  I then finished putting the last bag in the cart and walked away.

Oh yeah.  Me and kids.  We go way back....

October 6, 2010

lol moment

This is why I watch fun and silly shows like Glee:
Rachel says: "...I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right..." (season 2, ep.3)

It was meant to be funny, and it was... sandwiched between a couple laughs.  But it is basically the mantra of the homeschool/isolation movement.  So shallow yet surprisingly deep?

October 4, 2010

I knew I liked O. Henry!

Check out this link for an incredibly sad, also too true, and a little funny spoof story about Elsie Dinsmore.

October 3, 2010

Cashier Conversations 1.1

--As a cashier you have a limited amount of interaction per person. Most people say "how are you" and some smile. About every 10 or 15 people I get one who will interact and who talks with me.

I will be writing these down, so I don't bore the people I live with to death, and so I can remember that I have good people skills. I make people laugh and smile. I let them leave happy that they came, and they remember me.

1.1 10/2

Grey-haired guy, sipping a drink: "This is water"
Me, flipping things across the register: *nod
Then, I give him a fake suspicious glare: "Are you SURE?"
He laughs: "No, its actually vodka...gin"
Me: *fake look of absolute shock and horror.
---later after a couple more jokes, he was a good-humored person
Him:"...and can I get the senior discount?"
Me, *sarcastically: "No, I don't think you are young enough for that"


Middle-aged guy buying wine. The computer beeps and asks me to put his age in there. I politely ask him his birth date. He rolls his eyes and tells me he is over twice the legal age. I smile apologetically and tell him that the computer requires confirmation. He thinks for a second and asks me if he can be 29. I laugh. "Sure! What year is that?" I ask. He tries to figure it out, but then he just gives me his real age.

Three ladies are shopping together. They each spend more than $50 and the last lady spends over a hundred. They shake their heads and click their tongues over the price of organic produce and supplements. I use this line for the 4th time. I think I will more in the future: "Which is cheaper? Going to the doctor or buying organic?" The last lady took it as the one-liner of the century and repeated it multiple times to each of her friends and they left talking about the cost of doctor's visits.

This guy with a kid, about 5 or 6 was buying a month's worth of groceries. He was even nice enough to bag it for himself. As I key in the produce codes his son looks over and asks if his dad will pay for the two cars he has been playing with. "No," says the father, "we already bought them. We don't need to buy them twice." He packs for a moment and then in a thinking-out-loud voice says "that is the government's job..." I laugh. "I think they actually pay for it twice," I said.
He scoffed, and repeated it to himself. He also totally loved, like the produce ladies, and said it was the truest thing he had heard all day.

October 1, 2010

Staring contest

So here I am doing my work, and into the store walks a quintent of jean-skirted, large-sized-t-shirted, sneaker wearing, hair-in-a-bun women.

I am in my black jeans, fitting long-sleeved shirt, and makeup, and my hair in a design.

I could probably help it, but I stare at them. I have this crazy urge to follow them around the store and listen to how they talk to one-another. I want to see if they rode a big car here. I want them to come by me, but they check out behind my line of vision. At one point I broke from my training and turned around and caught one of the girls eyes. It was amazing. I could see the self-righteous pity oozing out of them. Me in my feminism-bound working nightmare. Me in my worldly blindness, them the only holy light in my world. I don't know, maybe I was imagining it.

I turned back to what I was doing, waiting for the rush of guilt. I always used to get it when I was around someone more "modestly dressed" than I was.

Nothing

I felt nothing.

I turned around again, and this time all three of the daughters (the two ladies were older, and had the money) were looking at me. A different girl was looking at me with a hint of scorn, I think. I panned over to the moms. The one looked at me and smiled kindly. I turned around again and focused on my work.


Next time I looked around they were gone.

September 24, 2010

Friday's Grace



These past weeks I have been very introspective and working on personal things. I have been addressing my fears and really finding fresh evidence of God's care and provision all around. I just got back from my last interview with a store that I first went into Sunday afternoon. I got an application, turned it in wednesday night, had two interviews thursday and friday (today) and I should begin training next week!!!

Grace has also been a constant presence in the form of others who encourage me, who care about me, and who sacrifice for me. I have never really experienced this before (well, I guess discounting grandparents), but having people chat you every other night just to check up and see how things are going is awesomely touching. Having people call you even when they have other things to do and spend hours talking makes my whole week. Living with a family who has genuinely taken me as a part of themselves is super awesome. Being reminded every time that I DON'T have to do the dishes is awesome (I don't do them that often, either!). Being reminded that I am strong and beautiful is really good.

Grace is becoming more familiar to me, through repetition and through personal study. It is still baffling, but still so beautiful and necessary.

September 20, 2010

Absence

I have not posted in a while because my computer harddrive dies on my a bit ago.

I really, really, really love my car, and having my car. It is such a freedom to know that when you turn the key you have no one to answer to and nothing holding you back (obviously, this analogy only goes so far, I don't mean I disregard road rules and that my car flies [/disclaimer])

I have been putting full-time effort into the job hunt, and I am actually getting good return! I do a lot better when I can actually talk with people and explain myself and my personality and unique lack of record to them. Most people really don't mind that I have never held a job. Although, when you are filling out stuff online it sure looks like a gaping hole!!!

I am looking forward to throwing myself into a whole new world and being able to have responsibilities and payments and dues and stuff like that. Obviously, I will have situations that are going to be much like the horror stories I have been told of/heard about/etc (like having a supervisor hate you, or really bad co-workers) but I know that I can handle anything. And I say that in a very humble sense, looking back on all that I have come through. "Strong" is the word most people use who have known anything about my past. If I am really as strong as they think I am, I can ride the waves. I can handle it.

Positivity helps, right?

September 12, 2010

I Want to be Beautiful


I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

September 10, 2010

Other Blog Post

I posted some thoughts on my other (old) blog.

If you could discuss it here so that things don't get linked between the two blogs, I would appreciate it.

The Worst of all Possible Reactions

"The heart," as Pascal said, "has its reasons that reason knows not of." Something in us longs, or hopes, maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. Our desire fights the assault of death upon life. And so people with terminal illnesses get married. Prisoners in a concentration camp plant flowers. Lovers long divorced still reach out in the night to embrace one who is no longer there. Its like the phantom pain experienced by those who have lost a limb. Feelings still emanate from that region where once was a crucial part of them, and they will sometimes find themselves being careful not to bang the corner of a table or slam the car door on a leg or arm long since removed. Our hearts know a similar reality. At some deep level, we refuse to accept the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or always will be.

Simone Weil was right, there are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction. Moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish had never begun. What are we to make of these messengers? How are we to interpret what they are saying? As the playwright Christopher Fry wrote,

The inescapable dramatic situation for us all is that we have no idea what our situation is. We may be mortal. What then? We may be immortal. What then? We are plunged into an existence fantastic to the point of nightmare, and however hard we rationalize, or however firm our religious faith, however closely we dog the heels of science or wheel among the starts of mysticism, we cannot really make head or tail of it.

And what does Fry say we do with our dilemma? The worst of all possible reactions:

We get used to it. We get broken into it so gradually we scarcely notice it.

(Desire , 8.9)
From the RHM daily readings

September 7, 2010

Joy

I got a taste of joy yesterday afternoon.

I found someone with a car in good condition and I got enough advice to know it was a good deal and all that.  When I was given a course about engines, made to lift the hood, identify the notches on the car frame where the jack goes, learn how to check oil, got my hands dirty and all that (great teacher, BTW, <3) I took off in a familiar direction where I knew there was country, hills, open space, and somewhere I was not totally familiar with.

I got good and lost.  Taking turns, going until I felt like not going, sticking my hand out the window and letting the wind mess up my hair.  It was glorious.
I turned the radio up high, and just let the station that it had been set to play (which happened to be a CCM station.  I never listen to CCM radio).  First, was a rather long song from Ecc. 3.  It could not have been more poignant.  THEN, By Your Side, by Tenth Ave. North came on.  God has such a sense of humor and I realized how much He loves me.  It brought tears to my eyes.  If I could have hugged the sky at that moment I would have.

Then, the radio went back to being annoying and talking and having songs I didn't recognize or like, so I turned it off and sat in silence.  I feel so happy and free and beautiful.
Last night my best friends in the entire world and I went out to sit by the river.  We talked and ate Italian Ice and had fun being together.

These moments are when I do not regret living.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

September 3, 2010

Friday's Grace

I love Hillary of Quivering Daughters' idea about blogging on Grace.







In thinking about it over the week, and I didn't come up with much.  I think I need to learn more myself before I say anything. 

However, on the radio last night was this song be Brandon Heath.

It is about grace.

It is about forgiving others.
It is about learning, growing and changing.
It is about a personal journey to healing.
About moving on and building new bridges.
About letting healing and grace take the stage.


When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same

I don't think this is a very composite post, or a very good at that. I have definitely come up with better. We are all looking for love. Fighting for healing. Seeking Grace.

September 1, 2010

Acculturation

In thinking about "culture shock" recently I said this:

I guess I have had culture shock on two drastically different levels, being an MK/TCK and coming "home" to a different culture than I was used to, as well as now leaving the "family bubble" and meeting the big, bad, ugly world.

I think depending on how prepared you are for it, and how your outlook is, it can be a good thing.  For instance, leaving home I knew I was going to be shocked on multiple levels, so hearing people talk crassly about sex and use cuss words I expected and I can blush deep red and go on with life.  I am expecting all manner of horrible things to happen, because part of the "Bubble Curriculum" is informing children about how terrible everything outside the bubble is and how it would destroy anyone without a similar bubble *queue a handful of sad examples.

On the other hand, coming to the US was very difficult for me...  All I really knew about this place was that it was "different" and had cold winters.  I had been here for a couple months in 2002, but I had gone about it with the air of a visitor or tourist, never imagining that in two years I would be living here "forever."  It took me almost 3 years to adjust and get to the point where I was "ok with" (not comfortable, but not intensely afraid) going around, meeting people, and the general tone/atmosphere of the country.
I also noticed after I wrote it that I have been taking steps to deliberately acculturate myself.  Watching TV and popular movies, listening to pop music, and allowing people to do things around me that would normally be an affront to my standards. (Oh, and explain a lot of things to me.  Like what a certain word or gesture means....*hem)
It is a pretty embarrassing process.  And I keep trying to find a balance.  I don't mind being innocent of a lot of stuff that other people never got to not know.  But I don't want to be innocently stupid, either.


An update about reading the Message:
I am enjoying Romans.  I flipped through the OT, and wasn't too interested.  I tried the Gospels for a couple pages and could not stand it.  I don't talk that way.  I don't read that way.  I mean, I grew up reading Les Miserables and The Robe and The Count of Monte Cristo.  I decided not to force myself, so I went on.  Acts is over-read and I don't care to read about doctrinal/church issues, so I landed in Romans.  It is interesting, seeing it as a paragraph in a chapter.  The lack of verses I really like.  I am going slowly, and most people would probably say I should read daily, but I don't.  When I remember I do.

In other news, I almost have my GED.  It has taken me an absurd amount of time and effort jumping all hoops and time requirements and assigned times.  I don't know my scores, but the proctor sure got to know me!  I finished reading before she expected (15 minutes) and in writing the day before I finished first as well.  I purposely took a long time in math, because I didn't want to be the first one done.  I sat and thought and wrote out a ton on my scrap paper and once one person finished I reviewed my figures and finished up. I was the 3rd.  Today is the final leg of tests.
Everything is pretty easy.  I should totally pass..... should.....

August 29, 2010

"Our Children's Hearts"

When I hear people talk about "our children's hearts"  I feel like using both of my fight-or-flight instincts.  It makes me so mad, on one hand, and so afraid on the other.  I usually end up not saying anything, waiting for the discussion to be over.

If anyone ever asks me what I think, I will try to tell them something like this:

By asking the question, are you assuming that you should have it?
Are you saying you are worthy of it?
Are you a good caretaker for it?
Can you learn from it?
What do you plan on doing with it?
How will you keep it?
Can you not use it as a weapon against them?
Will you give it back to them?
Will you teach them how to use it?
Will you teach them how to guard it/keep it for their own?


How they answer any of these should show me easily whether or not they are truly concerned about the issue, whether they are worth it or not.
Because what is the "heart" of a child/person anyway?

I postulate that it is our trust.  Our vulnerability.

While it is most often used in the context of "love" and romantic emotions concerning marriage, I think what is the most at stake is the girl's trust in this young man.  Is she willing to stake the happiness of her future on his promise?

Trusting in people is the most vulnerable and scary things about relationships.  You give them your "heart."  They can do multiple millions of things to hurt you and break your trust, but you give it anyway, willing to stake your potential heart-breaking on being vulnerable to them.
Young children give it when they take their parents word for things. (This is one reason why I think no parent should ever lie to children.  Even "harmless" lies like Santa or being dropped off by a stork.)  Your children trust you to tell them the truth.  To love them.  To be there for them.
As they grow older, they can learn to trust other people, like extended family and friends.

I think the most important question that parents should be asking is not "How do I get my child's heart?" but "How can I raise my child and not betray the trust they have in me?"

Because, if they do betray that, like all hurt in relationships, there is a painful break up.  Like a sea-anemone when you get near it, or touch it.  It pulls in and hides, wary, scared, and hurting.


I think parent's utmost efforts should be to maintain that trust. To make sure the child has no reason to fear them, or what they would do, or how they would react.  They have been entrusted by God with a valuable and extremely vulnerable human soul.  A Life.
Some people would love to see you mold and shape and beat and train and chastise and perfect that soul.
Most of them would claim that NOT doing this will ensure your child's demise into a sinning wastrel.
They then claim that after doing this, you must expect (or just demand) that the child still continue to trust you in everything and allow you to manage their "heart" for them.

They wonder why children lack trust in their parents.  Why the youth of today would rather do anything than go to church or be taught by their parents.  They wonder why families fall apart.  Why children run away in the dark of the night, fearing to be found and caught, like slaves before the Civil War.  Why parents cannot allow their adult children to live separate, individual lives.

Forget trying to find or get anything.  Love, and let live.
Love, and watch thrive.

August 27, 2010

Hold On!


A sweet song from TobyMac

August 26, 2010

Remake

I'm sure you have heard this (especially if you are a young female), but I decided to do a conservative, patriarchal, fundie remake of it:

"A girl's heart should be so lost in her father that a man will have to seek him to find it."

Good riddance.



This has been this weeks episode of "Fundie Funnies" tune in next time on HTVL*.
*Heretic TV Live

Psalm 145

14 The LORD upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.
16 You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.

17 The LORD is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
18 The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
19 He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.
20 The LORD preserves all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
21 My mouth shall speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh shall bless His holy name
Forever and ever.

August 25, 2010

Denial

Denial is a favorite method of coping for many Christians. But not with Jesus. He wants truth in the inmost being, and to get it there he's got to take us into our inmost being. One way he'll do this is by bringing up an old memory. You'll be driving down the road and suddenly remember something from your childhood. Or maybe you'll have a dream about a long-forgotten person, event, or place. However he brings it up, go with him there. He has something to say to you.

The lessons that have been laid down in pain can be accessed only in pain. Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over. Sometimes he'll take us there by having an event repeat itself years later, only with new characters in the current situation. We find ourselves overlooked for a job, just as we were overlooked by our parents. Or we experience fear again, just as we felt those lonely nights in our room upstairs. These are all invitations to go with him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free. Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what he is wanting to speak to.

(Waking the Dead , 122)

August 24, 2010

Fighting for Healing

I wanted to post today on behalf of some people I have come to know, and one dear friend.  About a year ago they began the Fanda Eagles blog to bring public awareness to the abuses perpetrated on them as children in the Missionary Boarding Schools.

I have followed their blog and prayed for the work being done on their behalf.

Like the children from patriarchal homes where God is used as a club, they were told that God had placed them in the hell-hole of Fanda because their parents calling to save the tribal peoples was more important than they were.

Like the daughters abused by their authorities, these children were subjected to authorities and "teachers" who had no training, almost no qualification, and very little experience in self-control or Godliness.

Like us, they were spanked until their wills were broken or until the teacher or dorm parent was exhausted.


As a missionary kid, I sympathize deeply with them.  Although my parents chose to homeschool us, many of the soul-wounds we bear are similar.  I pray that the more people who read this report and hear of the cause; the more we can change the future for the children to be born.  Our childhoods were what the locusts ate.  May God give the evil ones their full reward.

August 22, 2010

Luke 13

10 Now He was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. 11 And behold, there was a woman who had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bent over and could in no way raise herself up. 12 But when Jesus saw her, He called her to Him and said to her, “Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity.” 13 And He laid His hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God.
14 But the ruler of the synagogue answered with indignation, because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath; and he said to the crowd, “There are six days on which men ought to work; therefore come and be healed on them, and not on the Sabbath day.”
15 The Lord then answered him and said, “Hypocrite! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or donkey from the stall, and lead it away to water it? 16 So ought not this woman, being a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has bound—think of it—for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath?” 17 And when He said these things, all His adversaries were put to shame; and all the multitude rejoiced for all the glorious things that were done by Him.

August 21, 2010

Epoch

 July 21st.

It has been a month, today, since I left home. It is scary for me.  To think that I am out here, alone.  It is also emboldening.  I was not born a pansy.  I have a great education (I have been told that by sooo many people lately) and I have a solid work ethic that allows me to work under people or be a manager, as the situation calls for.

 It is amazing to think how much I have changed.  A little while ago I let loose the term "feminist" that shocked a dear friend I used to know well.  She could not believe that *I* was actually using the word, much less claiming it to myself.  She remembers the days when I was a parrot and debated all you non-fundie heretics until I was blue in the mouth!

Now, dear readers, I am an Ex-Parrot!!!
 No more of that.  I have dropped my opinions (well, make that some of my opinions, I don't know what I would be without any opinions at all) and decided to not make any more unless I was willing to "die on that mountain" (as Mrs. G puts it).

 I don't know what my future holds.  I hope to finish getting proof of my education next week.  I will be getting a car on Labor Day, and a friend in this area is seeing about a job for me. (Yay for word-of-mouth!!!)
God has been really good.

I cannot say that the month has been free from any non-blessing, but I am sure that the hard times were things I could get over.  I can make it!  I am strong enough! (And I can't believe I am saying that....!)
 

**honestly: that was the first word that came to my head when figuring out what to say .  I did not use it to make anyone head over to google.

August 20, 2010

Book Review: Preparing to Be a Helpmeet

Book Review: Preparing to Be A Helpmeet

Ok, so this book I did not choose to read, or buy or anything. My mother was given a copy at a Ladies Bible Study she began going to, and she pushed it at me and said “tell me what you think.” I had just had my Wisdom teeth out, so during my convalescing, I decided “Why not.”

About: This book is for “young, bright eyed girls” who are planning on getting married. (“planning” meaning more along the lines of: older teen girl reading all the required books to older old-maid who doesn't know why she isn't married yet)
It is a wide brush that goes over the necessities of knowledge, planning, creativity, and compatibility to make a marriage.


Positives: While she does go into the whole “Courtship Story” thing, she does it in a way that does NOT paint a “this is how you need to do it” picture. WAY to many books out there set out models or say “at least incorporate these couple (dozen?) elements.” She does not even hint as to a “model.”
She also encourages seeking peace in one's decisions. Obviously there is a big emphasis on authorities and input from them, but she does give a section to a girl's personal decision. One part seemed a bit positive on “arranged” marriage, but it was slight.

I am not sure what audience she is writing for, but she does a good job in encouraging girls to be learning and learning and too keep on learning. She casts girls who sit at home and wait to be picked up in a negative light, and all the “good examples” are girls who are out serving God, working for a mission or a ministry, and accomplishing something with their lives.

Negatives:
My main negative in this book is that it is all directed at the girls. Now, DUH, this is a book TO girls, but it is written in such a way as to make me feel that the fate of my marriage is just about entirely on my shoulders. My preparation and my conduct is THE deciding factor and one fault of mine could ruin my marriage.
My first red flag was her telling me that women are the “man's image.” (Ch. 6, p 68) Man, she says, is in the image of the godhead (trinity), and we women (taken from their side) are in the man's image, and therefore “Our goal is to conform to being the type of woman our man needs...” (Reflections on Chapter 6, p. 128)

She spent 3 chapters on each of her three “types” of men (taken almost directly from Created to Be His Helpmeet) and then makes 3 categories for women under that and spends on chapter on all of them. She lumped them together and only really explained how each of the “girl types” fits with each guy type. [Note: I skipped all of chapter 5. My father is her “command man/King” type and it was really triggering for me to hear her gush about this type]

One confusing thing for me was trying to figure out what audience she is targeting. She speaks very angrily about vaccinations, encourages long hair and herbal healing and such. What I got from the middle chapters was that unless I was an issues-free, joyful-faced, smiling, well presented, and capable, hardworking type of girl....I wasn't marriageable material.
She has men commenting in little blurbs all through the book, and one of them says “Don't complain. Ever.” She tells girls that standing against (in disagreement with) your husband = standing against God. (Chapter 7, p 93) She says that stubbornness is a “masculine trait” and therefore unacceptable in a female.

Chapter 11 she jumps on texting. At first I thought it pretty funny until I realized the bigger picture. I don't know about other families, but my Father often picks one thing and blames everything on that. For Debi Pearl, the quantum of all evil is texting. She has a handful of negative examples and one horror story, and makes all kinds of statements about it. For instance:
“...internet 'love' is not real.” , she says that texting is used by the Devil to destroy lives, and “...there cannot be an honest, clean, courtship through texting.”
In this chapter she also deals with “seconds.” You know, the impure people? She gives an example (cast in a positive light) of a girl who turns a guy away because she didn't want her future children to have a “daddy with baggage.” The other (horror) story ends with the guy choosing a “nice, chaste girl who didn't text...” because the texting girl was an “already licked candy bar” (p. 139).
She finishes the chapter with a heavy admonition to girls. Because: “To get to know a man who is not your husband is emotional adultery. To exchange intimate knowledge with several guys is whorish.” (p. 139)


Chapter 15 deals with “honor” and sin. She talks about how her greatest hate/fear was spiders and how when she was speaking/thinking negatively about someone “God was waiting to give me [judgment] the first time my guard was down...” and her subsequent run-in with the biggest, ugliest and hairiest eight-legged monster. She then lets a friend tell her story of 3 separate issues with flea infestations when she ignored her husband's words/admonitions or thought that she knew better than he did.

She finishes up this chapter with the most terrible statement in the entire book: (p. 188) (for a girl raised by a “dominant, forceful father”)
“Life is easier for girls raised by dominant, forceful fathers because they are accustomed to obeying. They were never given any other option and grew accustomed to strong authority. In contrast, girls raised by kind, gentle fathers often get bitter toward their husbands if they are demanding.”
(I guess she expects husbands to be demanding and forceful? You have to assume a lot in this book)

Chapter 16 types depression as some sort of petty created problem: “...every black depression stems from someone 'supposing' another meant evil toward them, used the, thought offensively toward them, or whatever else the mind contrives. Imagine being free from all these misapprehensions!”

The final chapter is a word from some men. Her husband first, and another man after. I was glad it was in the back of the book, because it made me want to quit reading altogether, but I shall tell you about it anyway.
The other guy is apparently a preacher and he talks about a time when they needed an immediate emergency plumbing done the same time he was offered a preaching time at a prison he had been trying to get into for a long time. His wife offered to do the plumbing, and from the way he talks, she does everything and he is blessed to be free to preach, which is his calling. Reading it I sat there and wondered why he was married in the first place if his calling to preach was so important that his wife did EVERYTHING else (homeschooling, housework, plumbing, bills, etc, etc,etc). She may be his helpmeet, but she isn't helping him with anything when she is doing it all herself. But that is just me.

Now, on to the first comments, which some of you will please skip over due to the heart attack risk. I just about threw the book across the room. Michael Pearl gives us a look into what he tells “all” the guys who ask him what to look for in a woman. And, he then twists it into a benign character quality to make every single girl on the planet definite “trouble”. The quote in it's entirety says:
“I tell young men, if a young woman thinks she is a real catch, then know she is not. If she feels she is doing you a favor marrying you, then know for a fact you are marrying trouble. Make sure she feels blessed that you have chosen her. Keep searching until you find a girl with the most valuable of all character traits: a thankful heart.” [Chapter 17, p.206]

So, unless I fall at this guys feet in worship and say “ME?!?!? You are going to marry ME!?!?! Oh, you are SOOOOOO out of my league, I am BLESSED that *I* am your chosen bride” I am un-thankful piece of trouble?
So, that is the advice to men. For women it is: “Become the woman he needs.”



In summary, I think this book will convict a lot of women. We are only too willing to believe that we are at fault and only to willing to expend atomic bombs of energy to fix things we believe need to be fixed and repair what we are told we have damaged. The problem is that this will only work where the women are at fault. “Happily Ever After” will never happen when only one person is working to make things better! And since the men are told to find a woman who worships them and excused when they are demanding, insensitive, and forceful, they are not likely to see any place they need to change or work.
Heaven pity the poor women (girls) who follow this book.

August 13, 2010

Meditations....

2 Peter 2

 1 But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction. 2 And many will follow their destructive ways, because of whom the way of truth will be blasphemed. 3 By covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words; for a long time their judgment has not been idle, and their destruction does not slumber.
18 For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error. 19 While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage. 20 For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. 21 For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them. 22 But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: “A dog returns to his own vomit,” and, “a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”

James 3

 1 My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.

August 12, 2010

PTSD?

Yesterday/today marks 3 weeks from when I left home/got to this place.  It doesn't seem like that much time, but at the same time it seems like forever.

I think I had my first PTSD episode last night.  It wasn't anything serious, and it was entirely honest and innocent on the part of the people who triggered me, but I stood there with waves of fear washing over me, feeling like I should leave ASAP, scared to death, fear....yeah.  Like all the alarms in my head went off in a moment.  I don't know if it showed.

I think I got over it pretty quickly, and put my mind to learning new things which would look good on my resume/life experiences page.  I keep thinking about it though, dunno if that is good or bad.
Mrs. G is helping me through it,encouraging and all that....

August 11, 2010

Life Happens:

I don't have OCD, but I am obsessive, and trying to NOT obsess put me into a mild depression last night.  I walked it out, trying to call people on the phone.  I really hate answering machines.  I finally got my grandmother on the phone and we chatted for a little while.

Life still takes everything I have.  I usually crash sometime in the afternoon and sleep for a couple hours.  I keep beating myself up for it, because then I don't sleep until late at night and I wake up after 9 in the morning.

How am I supposed to be normal when I can't function normally?
Should I aim for being normal in the first place?
Isn't normal relative?
Why do I keep asking so many questions that can't really be answered?

August 8, 2010

The Proper way to do a Holy Fainting Fit

Since I am in a funny mood today I decided to post a bit of humor how-to for y'all.

The Proper Way to do a Holy Fainting Fit

Note: A Proper Holy Fainting Fit is not something to make fun of, or laugh at.  It is a serious way to show God, and man, that you are Biblically horrified by the unseemly and worldly behavior or words of others.  It is spoken of in Scripture as a very solemn thing to do, and we should use it only with the utmost sincerity of heart and mind.

Step 1) Taking your Bible in your hands, hold it to your chest and cross your arms in an X position over it.
(Notice the lovely symbolism of Christ in this picture. X, or "kai" is a Greek letter, the first letter in the word "kristos" which is where we get out word "Christ" from.)
(Ps. if your Bible is not on hand or within an arms reach.....why.....*queue Holy Fainting Fit)

Step 2) Make sure ahead of time you are near a soft landing place (like a couch or loveseat).

Step 3) Fall backwards, or sideways across the soft landing place. (Ladies, this must be done with utmost care, as to not take the chance of your skirt coming up 3 inches and showing your toes.  That would severely damage your brothers in Christ!!)

Step 4) As you are falling, let out your loudest, but still decorous gasp.  Make sure that the person who is the reason for this is watching and knows that they have offended God and man.
(Ps. for bonus points instead of gasping, quote an applicable Bible verse condemning the perpetrator to hell)


Final notes:
Again, I cannot stress the importance of doing this in a reverent and God-fearing manner.  This is a helpful visual too that can convict even the hardest of sinners.  The Bible speaks most strictly about our duty to save the lost and to build the Church.