tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89379234206669763762024-02-23T15:20:44.035-05:00Out of the ChrysalisOut of a cult and towards realityDaughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.comBlogger195125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-14717592728492550812017-12-27T17:29:00.001-05:002017-12-27T17:29:34.397-05:00XDear ex:<br />
The holidays are hard for me, at least when it comes to Facebook memories. A lot of our interactions come up at this time, because this was the time of year that we decided to get together. I still remember the cold walk down to the community swimming pool and back where we set out an exhaustive list of ground rules.<br />
No kissing till engaged.<br />
No holding hands till engaged.<br />
Why were we teenagers talking about engagement?<br />
<br />
I think I was the first one to say those three words. I didn't want you to see them so I used a different language. I thought you had logged off, but you hadn't. What was I really saying? What did I really mean? I definitely didn't understand what those words meant, and I hadn't really experienced a lot of it in my own life. Everyone told me to give you a shot, everyone saw that you were head over heels for me. I decided that you had been a good friend for a while now, and I wanted to see what romance was like.<br />
<br />
In hindsight, if I was taking things back I would start there. I would say something like: "you're a great friend, and I know you want a relationship with me. But I really am not in a good place yet."<br />
Or, "I'm a 20 year old with the capacity for relationships of someone 10 years my junior. If you want to take a chance, I might break your heart."<br />
Not that the warning would have made it any better, but it might help with the 'I told you so's.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I want to ask you how you are doing, and how you feel. But I know that going there will just open wounds then I placed. It would be completely inappropriate, and downright evil.<br />
I wish I could say that everything worked out, that somehow it would assuage my guilt.<br />
<br />
But what am I guilty of?<br />
Being young?<br />
Being inexperienced in attraction?<br />
Having just left a cult?<br />
Not knowing what it meant to be turned on?<br />
Never having had an intense physical connection to another person?<br />
All of these things you knew, going in you already where aware of everything. Despite our age, you were the more mature worldly one.<br />
While I was stumbling around in a dark foreign world, searching for my place and my role, you were getting an education. You were in the workplace. You knew where you were going and what you wanted out of life.<br />
<br />
I don't know if you felt that way about me. I don't know if you know what that feels like yet, either.<br />
I remember feeling stagnant in our relationship and asking for more. I remember propositioning you, and you being so afraid that you turned me down.<br />
I remember how bad our first kiss was, and how the vodka only kind of helped. I remember wishing there was more, but not knowing what more was or how it felt.<br />
I guess someone with more relationship experience would have had the words to describe this. Or maybe not? Has anyone else experienced this?<br />
What is it when you feel a red flag but don't know what a red flag is. When you feel a distance, but don't have the ability to describe it.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying I felt nothing. There were butterflies, there was an emotional connection, and a mental connection. You are my best friend in the whole world. You cared about me and you spent time showing that and it meant everything. I wanted to repay you, but I didn't know how. You didn't seem to want to move forward physically, and I didn't have anything else to give. I felt like a taker and I hated that.<br />
But other things had begun changing as well. I didn't want to move back there. I wanted to go to college and get an education. I decided that I didn't want to have kids, especially not right away. I wanted a career, and I wanted to be making money and be independent.<br />
Getting engaged to you would have meant an end to all of that. Maybe you didn't think so, but at that point in time I didn't know how to be in a relationship and be independent. And I don't think you did either. It was too close to move up there, I was beginning to like it down south.<br />
<br />
I was finally feeling my sea legs, I was making friends. I felt like it was a place I could call home, but while you and your family had unconditionally welcome to me to yours, it wasn't the same.<br />
<br />
I wish I had the words to explain all this back then. I wish I had known what was going on, before I found myself desperate and vulnerable.<br />
Before I could put into words how much I dreaded you semi-proposing every other phone call, I allowed myself to run in the opposite direction.<br />
It happened quickly... in a month, to be honest.<br />
I wasn't honest with you, and I hurt you in more ways than one.<br />
I wish I could have been more open when rebuffing your proposals. I wish I could have voiced how uncomfortable the idea of moving up there to be with you made me. Not because of you, but because of all the baggage.<br />
I wish I could have voiced how it alienated me when your relatives were trying to convert me and you didn't want to leave even when I was begging you to.<br />
I wish I could have said how little romance there was, and how your insistence on purity left me frustrated and confused.<br />
When I would talk on the phone about breaking up, asking you how you would handle it, I guess I was trying my hardest to let you know how it wasn't working. And when you answered that you would lose it, I felt even more upset.<br />
Yeah, we were saving ourselves, but I didn't feel like you wanted me as much.<br />
<br />
I guess I went this way again because it feels like a picture got ripped in half. I want closure, if you would care to give it to me.<br />
I want to know that you understand what brought about everything that happened.<br />
I want you to know I am sorry, that I still go over 2012 in my mind, month by month and week by week.<br />
I want you to know that I wish I had been able to express this.<br />
I want you to know.<br />
If knowing ever helped, I hope it does.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-2113702904052684882015-12-08T20:13:00.000-05:002015-12-08T20:14:00.106-05:00BrokenIts been almost a year, but something pushed me to write again.<br />
<br />
The other night I was broken. Deep, deep inside in a place I almost didnt know existed.<br />
I refused to be "good" or "conscientious" as I told my mother exactly how I thought and felt about her. I used words and situations that I would know hurt her, and I threw in a spicing of bad words to horrify her. I literally didnt (and dont) care how she feels or what she will do about it.<br />
<br />
What happened? <br />
I brought a situation to her attention that had to do with her life, something she had been a part of before she was married. I asked her to look at the situation and to respond with human decency and added an article written by a religious person with thick biblical language.<br />
Her response, in part, was that "(Jesus') words could go either way."<br />
<br />
To recap, I sent her a very serious concern with a very biblical argument, and she posted one bible verse contradicting everything and declared that there was more than one way to interpret the Bible and she was going to choose her own interpretation, the facts be dammed.<br />
I broke inside.<br />
<br />
All my life there was ONE way, ONE interpretation, ONE right, and EVERYTHING else was wrong. It was black unless it could be proven white without a shadow of a doubt. There was no room for interpretation. "Train the women to be wives" meant that I couldn't go to college and had to get married in order to fulfill my one life calling, that of my uterus. "Honor thy father" meant that we had to obey everything, immediately, without question, and that our parents had the right to beat us, take from us, and otherwise mentally abuse and maim us as their "duty."<br />
There was no wiggle room. People who allowed interpretation were decried as "worldly" or "compromising" or "allowing sin into their lives," allowing it to make them less than 'I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOSPEL.'<br />
<br />
Maybe my mother thought that because I had been gone from home for over 5 years has made me forget the first 20 of my life with her. Maybe she thinks I have forgiven the pain and torment I have lived through from their dedication to Pearl and Phillips and Gothard over human decency to their children. Maybe she still doesn't know that before I was a teenager she had made me so angry and hurt that I vowed to not cry at her funeral and to be happy when it happened. Maybe she doesn't know how many times putting a knife in her back occurred to me when she was berating me in the kitchen for something as simple as not scrubbing behind the sink and letting a light mold grow. Maybe she never realized that I developed my sarcastic sense of humor that she so hated to deal with the fact that I had to tell myself I was a hired maid and not a family member in order to get through my late teens. Maybe she forgot how strained out relationship was all my life with her, and maybe she doesn't think I KNOW WHY she treated me the way she did. Maybe she didnt think I was smart enough to see her putting her frustrations with her husband onto the oldest child that looked, sounded, and acted like him. I may have been female, but I was his and his mother's spitting image and still could be.<br />
<br />
Maybe she was literally not thinking and said something she didnt think through, but that is not my mother.<br />
I mentioned the insanity of her phraseology to her, and she STOOD BY IT. <br />
<br />
I broke. I lost all the common courtesy that holds in a lifetime of hurt and spiteful treatment and let her have it. I cursed her blind obedience to a tyrant, for being a willing doormat, I blamed her for her refusal to leave because I know exactly what that felt like and the strength it took. I accused her of being duplicitous all throughout my life if she really believed different than the patriarch she bowed to, and I blamed her for allowing us to be brainwashed by him through her. I threw hurtful things in her past at her face, adding scripture references and asking if there was more than one interpretation for them. <br />
I still feel that empty pit contort inside as I shake my head at my brutal honesty, but I dont regret it.<br />
I have spent 5 years trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.<br />
I have spent 5 years trying to see her as a victim too.<br />
I have spent more than 5 years trying to forgive her for her mistakes.<br />
<br />
But this "mistake" is too big to let go or gloss over or forgive in the common sense.<br />
Everything she ever says to me from now on, those words will echo after them. I can no longer take anything she says at face value. I dont know why this one little sentence is what did it, but she said it and she stood by it when I pointed it out to her.<br />
I have been angry at my parents before, but I have never felt like this. I wasnt taught to name emotions, but this screaming-sobbing-heap that I am inside feels similar enough to anger, I guess. I am done with her, I regret asking for her assistance or getting favors. I will pay all my debts and cut off all future ties.<br />
I will call the house phone to speak with my siblings or the oldest's cellphone. I will not cry of grief when she dies and I will be glad.<br />
What I knew inside, innately, as a preteen still holds true, whatever it was.<br />
I guess she should be fine with all this though, cause it could go both ways.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-29814078639343560282014-12-11T19:40:00.001-05:002014-12-11T19:40:32.600-05:00Matthew 18 vs Patriarchy Reading over the <a href="http://netgrace.org/wp-content/uploads/Final-Report.pdf" target="_blank">BJU Investigation Final Report by GRACE</a> today I was particularly struck by the part of how Matthew 18 does or does not apply to cases like sexual abuse.<br /> As someone who has been victimized in other ways, many people have pushed Matthew 18 in my face with less than any grace as if I cannot speak about what I have endured or the things I suffered until I follow <b><u>their</u></b> rules for me.<br />
(And no, while Matt 18 may be a biblical rule for conflict resolution, making it a requirement before someone speaks publicly is a personal rule that you are putting on another person over whom you have no right to put rules.)<br />
<br />
I remembered, during my reading, a rather traumatic event in my teenage-hood where a semblance of Matthew 18 happened. Like all flashbacks of my traumas, this is a memory captured in a picture frame, everything crystal clear and piled in emotion, the faces and words of people hanging in the air as the scene plays out in one still life painting... <br />
During one of our home-church sessions with the only like-minded family that my father could find to agree with his bajillion rules (and even so they disagreed on things like headcoverings and speaking in church... somehow those werent so bad all the sudden?) my brother somehow got up the nerve to confront my father about his past actions and his lack of repentance for them as evidenced by his comportment around people and how he acted to his family and children.<br />
<br />
Like he always does, my father argued that his role as head was divine right and that no matter what serious sins he committed in the past (less than 3 years ago), he had definitely repented and no longer needed to act like he was repenting. He was free to be the patriarch as was his right.<br />
Slowly, my mother and older sister and myself joined in the conversation, truly sharing our hearts and crying, all of us in tears, except my mother who sat stone-faced in the corner. She shared the least of all of us, my thought is that her pain had reached the point where tears didnt even help any more. My big brother with tears streaming down his face, the instigator of this confrontation, sat with his back to kitchen, glaring angrily at my father through his pain, hurt, and finally letting out the magma that had been seething for years. My older sister sat closest to me and my mother. She had found a way out, and was planning an escape. She contributed only when the emotion in the room reached maximum levels. And then there was me. I sat looking alternately out at the dismal ice-scratched face of central PA through the lace curtains, and around at the room. I had the foolish hope that this confrontation would mean something, that somehow our hearts and tears would result in the overthrow of the spell that the Pied Piper of patriarchy had put on our "head."<br /> First my brother, then the rest of us adult children (I was the youngest at 18 and a couple months), and briefly my mother reiterated the problems we had with how my father conducted himself as a commiter of serious sin. Finally, the discussion included the father of the other family we met with that Sunday afternoon... the other "pastor," the only one allowed to talk in his family, the only other part of our "church." <br /><br /> And this is when the partiarchy overwhelmed Matthew 18. Because they dont work together. Because like oil and water, like bleach and a stain, one must win and one must submit or get the thread it clings to burned into disintegration. The other patriarch scolded all of us, including our mother, for doubting my father's testimony on his own behalf.<br /> Obviously we were all bitter and had refused to forgive our father. We were not being the proper subjects to his god-appointed ruling. The other patriarch's earnest, pale face and shiny bald head turned mostly towards my older brother as the instigator, I see him sitting comfortably close to my father, at times reaching out a caring hand to touch my father on the shoulder as emphasis for what a stellar patriarch my father was. My mother retreated further into the corner, I think if she could have turned green she would have faded into the pale sage of the walls. My older sister left the room shaking her head at the pointlessness of it all. My brother clenched his fist and his face turned bright red, anger coursing through him as he looked like once again he had been beaten/spanked as he was as a child. <br />
I dont remember my own reaction, but inside another part of me shriveled up and died. It was pointless fighting against the patriarchs. Of course we were in the wrong, of course we had not truly forgiven. After all, what can stand against the combined wisdom and headship of god's appointed heads? I remember driving home feeling more suicidal than before, if that was possible. My father was not held to repentance or required to act like he needed to make amends. <br /> He would often tell me that he was owed respect and that he had no need to earn it, and then this situation only perpetuated his superiority. We bowed and kissed the boot that stepped on our backs.<br />
<br />
<br />
Fast forward less than a year later, maybe even as little as 6 months, my oldest sister found a way out and ran away from home in the middle of the night. I looked into her eyes 2 days before this and saw something that took the breath away from me. I knew that she needed to leave, or she would die. Still suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, I realized that nothing I believed in mattered as much as my oldest sister's life. I disobeyed all my parent's beliefs and helped her escape.<br /> Not knowing my involvement, my parents feared that I might be influenced by my sister's "rebellion" and decided to send me to Bill Gothard's Journey To The Heart in Northwoods. This was a prodigious expense for my poverty-level parents, but they made it happen in order to "save" me from the same future.<br />
As I was packing, my mother asked me to speak to Mr. G in a re-attempt of the final step of Matthew 18. Her exact words were "He is the last man your father respects and who can hold him accountable." Although I had to fight to get a personal audience with G, I attempted to help my mother, my family, and myself as well, still unaware of the contrary nature of patriarchy and biblical accountability. <br />G took the usual course and told me to find the sin in myself and to write down the things I was grateful for that my parents had taught me. Instead of seeing this as the last-ditch attempt of a family to seek biblical resolution for a serious sin, he turned on me like a patriarch, defending his own, and demanded that I once again submit myself to patriarchal rules.<br />
I left in tears, ashamed of myself, because that is how he wanted me to feel.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to today:<br />
While I think that scripture has some significantly good things to teach us, I think that the first thing that needs to be demolished is patriarchy. Like the Eye of Sauron, it permeates all corners of the Fundamentalist Conservative Worldview, and opposes any attempts at dissent, even though it is a cruel, evil, and twisted power. Patriarchy will not allow Matthew 18 to work against themselves, and therefore they render it useless. Any other biblical passages you bring up will also be shot down. There is no accountability or reason allowed when it comes to men. Sin and impurity and even abuse will be allowed as long as they can keep up their "good old boys" club, and they will send the women and children through pain and torture as long as they remain in power. <br />SMASH THE PATRIARCHY!!!!!!!Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-35062449114486824732014-11-06T21:22:00.000-05:002014-11-06T21:27:27.143-05:00Lemony HSLDA Snicket This evening I watched the 2004 "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0339291/quotes" target="_blank">Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events</a>."<br />
I found it both endearing and triggering, but I laughed out loud at the odd combination of pop-culture ( <span style="background-color: #fcfae7; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Osh Kosh B'Gosh</span>), the grammar nazi, and steampunk clothing and machinery.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.rodbowkett.co.uk/page2/files/poster_87.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.rodbowkett.co.uk/page2/files/poster_87.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
I almost cried when the children see in the letter that they are all they have. I know how it feels to be the only one looking out for your siblings and feeling like the ONLY one who really loves them and looks out for their futures.<br />
<br />
But the parts that made me upset were the parallels to what is going on right now in 2014.<br />
When Violet reminds her brother about their parents trip to Europe I was upset by the fact that not only would the parents not tell the children, but the "letter that got lost" sounds just like what rich, unattached parents would say as an excuse.<br />
Go ahead and call me cynical. I have been hurt one too many times to trust very easily.<br />
<br />
But the part that made the blogging fire blaze in my soul, was the ending, where the watching crowd gasps at "Count Olaf's" reveal of his plan and behavior, and the fact that he had just legally married the 14 year old to which he had been given custody.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: large;"> "<a href="http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Lemony_Snicket's_A_Series_of_Unfortunate_Events#Count_Olaf" target="_blank">I'm the monster? You're the monster! These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children!</a>"</span></blockquote>
<br />
Despite the children seeing through his outward veneer, and attempting to advise and warn the adults in their lives, they are consistently shut down and repeatedly ignored as the adult is manipulated by Count Olaf. <br />
<br />
Much like HSLDA, Michael Farris, Karen Campbell, Heidi St. John, and Voddie Baucham have been grooming the adults in the homeschooling world, only a couple "Count Olafs" have been unveiled: namely Doug Phillips and his flagship Vision Forum, and Gothard with his IBLP banner.<br />
<br />
Ignoring the parallels of a society where <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/like-matthew-chapman-duck-dynasty-star-endorsed-child-marriage/" target="_blank">Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty can support and encourage child marriage</a> and still be respected, these big fish in the homeschooling pond are consistently being taken in by predators, or are the predators themselves in disguise. When "children" (<a href="http://www.donotlink.com/cbmr" target="_blank">as some people keep calling us, despite our age</a>) call out the problems that they see, <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/06/24/paul-and-gena-suarez-old-schoolhouse-publishers-accused-of-protecting-known-child-predators/" target="_blank">the abuse</a>, <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/16/heidi-st-john-whistleblowers-are-clever-wordsmiths-with-evil-intentions/" target="_blank">the misuse of power</a>,<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/07/17/rewriting-history-history-of-america-mega-conference-part-six-doug-phillips-rages-against-the-20th-century/" target="_blank"> the blatant evil</a> in the waters, we are ignored and shut down.<br />
<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/18/hsldas-michael-farris-to-heidi-st-john-we-are-standing-with-you/" target="_blank">Repeatedly</a>.<br />
<br />
How long will it take for the villain to finally feel so comfortable that his mask will slip and the "well meaning" banker and the buffoon of a detective realize that in all their time being <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/15/hslda-on-old-schoolhouse-cover-up-were-not-the-police-force-of-the-homeschooling-movement/" target="_blank">#notyourhomeschoolpolice</a>, they have only handed over the victims to their abusers again and again?!?<br />
How long will it take before the voices of the children are listened to?<br />
How long before the "well-meaning" leaders of the movement TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT THEMSELVES and see that they are <b>ACCOMPLICES</b> to all the <u>evil</u> that has been going on, and to all the evil that <b>WILL CONTINUE</b> to happen.<br />
<br />
<b>EVIL</b><br />
<span style="color: yellow; font-size: large;"><b>EVIL</b></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-size: x-large;">EVIL</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://illustrationfriday.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/olaf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://illustrationfriday.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/olaf.jpg" height="328" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
I dont know how many times I have to say it before they hear me.<br />
I dont know how long it will take for something to change<br />
I dont know what else to do in a community that is already distrusted and cast-out.<br />
<br />
But we are family, homeschool survivors. We will always have eachother, we will always know the truth and know that we did not stand idly by and be accomplices ourselves.<br />
As Lemony Snicket says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><a href="http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Lemony_Snicket's_A_Series_of_Unfortunate_Events#Lemony_Snicket" target="_blank">And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small.</a></span></blockquote>
<br />
I am no inventor. I may only be able to bite at the heels of these big fish, and babble my go-go's and ga-ga's at them.... but I promise to bite as hard as I can to make a sanctuary for all of us.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-14165555954522693272014-11-01T19:15:00.000-04:002014-11-01T19:15:45.135-04:00Gaia's Dominion!I have learned to prefer the second chapter of Genesis the more that fundamentalist christians attempt to pull me back into their webs. The first chapter has had so much exegesis done on it that it has been well-night exegited itself to death!!<br />
<br />
One of the interesting movements that come out of Genesis 1 is the Dominionism movement. Made popular/trendy by Doug Phillips in the last decade, it became a jumble of command and prophesy. It was said to be implying that somehow people needed to once again plant their christian flags on parcels of dirt, pray over them, and somehow metaphysically claim them for their religion and God. The more devoted DP fan believed along with their rockstar that America was the new promised land, taking parts of the book of Romans and changing "Israel" to "America." Others simply saw where they were as the best place to start and envisioned acres of the nearby land as belonging to their children, grandchildren, and extended family, slowly taking over the city, county, and state.<br />
<br />
Others merely took it to mean that the earth itself and all the creatures in it were theirs to steward, care for, and dedicate their lives to.... at least I hope some did, because I sure didnt know them!!!<br />
<br />
Most "regular" people, like my dad (and therefore his whole family, cause he was the HEAD) assumed that it meant that man was over earth when it came to totem poles. As a person who thought this, he used the bounty of the earth often without giving it another thought and simply assuming that it would continue to provide for man as long as man ruled it.<br />
<br />
THEN CAME AL GORE.<br />
*cue thunder, wolves howling, screams.....<br />
<br />
The Ozone Layer, Climate Change, Global Warming, Melting Ice Caps, the Polar Vortex.... all of these climate trends were fundie-splained away to me as a child. Even my High School Science textbook (Exploring Creation with Physical Science, by Wyle) had an explanation as to why the hole in the ozone layer was too remote to hurt any PEOPLE, and that it was overblown in an attempt to control human behavior (which I guess would inevitably lead to burning and throwing Christians to the lions and making them criminals.... because persecution complex).<br />
<br />
The earth was somehow magically made to support any and all godly human life (thus the disasters being punishment for teh gays), making it impossible for the land to sink under water, get too close to the sun and burn, or not be able to support our atmosphere. Dominion qualified anything and everything from animal slaughter to corporate decisions like polluting and fracking. We have dominion over this water, so we are free to frack with it. Dominion gives us this shelter full of unwanted animals, we are free to kill them all. Dominion gave us the beasts of the field, so eating meat is not only godly, but vegetarianism might even be sinful!!!<br />
<br />
Into all this comes a wonderful example in the from of Heidi St. John, aka The Busy Mom.<br />You may remember her <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/08/when-homeschool-leaders-looked-away-the-old-schoolhouse-cover-up/" target="_blank">choosing to shut someone down</a> for asking for her help <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/16/heidi-st-john-whistleblowers-are-clever-wordsmiths-with-evil-intentions/" target="_blank">with child abuse during her "busiest season of the year,"</a> or you may remember her <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/how-not-to-address-marriage-or-child-abuse/" target="_blank">making light of a picture of obvious violence</a> and using it as a positive example.<br />
Recently, she posted a "lifehacks" meme and told a story about how in a similar situation her husband threw a stuffed animal of one of the children out the window.<br />
When a conscientious mother comments.... Well you read it!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaU7LUZCPp0kuZooNQtyenh9iZQa9B5Y80nB8Emq6m9cv_coIyda-7ZOZU4yCl7MElBjCNpY0hsCHBJvin4ShqwGOxycNwfawog8uMgb7qWuLxe5AYGYonr_WDqumPeLLBRwAIR50a-yQ/s1600/environment.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaU7LUZCPp0kuZooNQtyenh9iZQa9B5Y80nB8Emq6m9cv_coIyda-7ZOZU4yCl7MElBjCNpY0hsCHBJvin4ShqwGOxycNwfawog8uMgb7qWuLxe5AYGYonr_WDqumPeLLBRwAIR50a-yQ/s1600/environment.png" height="156" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
This is something that I could see my father saying. Like Heidi took a page right out of his book. <br />The environment can take care of itself. One bear wont hurt it, and besides; <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o7V1f7lbk4" target="_blank">MESSAGE!</a><br />
Environment loses when it comes to people, my dad would say that all the time. People (souls) are more important than not driving to the mountains to witness to them because of the effects of the gas burned while traveling. The good deeds outweighed any negative, according to him.<br />
<br />
The thing is, the Environment loses to religion,<br />
The Environment loses to teaching your kids a lasting lesson<br />
The Environment loses to lost souls,<br />
The Environment loses to taking dominion...<br />
<br />
If it keeps losing eventually something will happen. <br />
Dear daddy, and dear Heidi: We do NOT live in a magic world that will sustain human life forever no matter what. Your obvious flippancy with the world at large and the places where you have tread all add up. Like the kids book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/If-Everybody-Did-Ann-Stover/dp/0890844879" target="_blank">If Everybody Did</a>. Maybe you live your daily life differently, but for every exception you make, everyone else might have made one as well.<br />Can you not see how devastating that might be to a real, flesh-and-blood planet?<br />
<br />
You can keep on keeping on and then someday take dominion over this charred, waterless husk of a crust. And enjoy it. I'll bet even your religion will outlast the planet.... unfortunately.<br />
<br />
**I have refrained in this post from discussing the despicable act of ruining and throwing out a child's special toy in lieu of looking at how the larger effect of "the environment is gonna be fine" can be severely damaging when taught, propagated, and said so flippantly.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-70138895438974136732014-10-28T00:38:00.003-04:002014-10-28T00:38:34.317-04:00Gothard, again<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Bitstream Charter', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 23.7999992370605px;"><a href="http://indomitableblogdotcom.wordpress.com/2014/07/08/my-letter-to-bill-gothard-aka-my-story-of-my-life-in-the-cult/" target="_blank">You blamed me and some supposed, hidden sin in my life rather than the blatant woeful treatment I’d been receiving.</a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Bitstream Charter', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 23.7999992370605px;"><a href="http://indomitableblogdotcom.wordpress.com/2014/07/08/my-letter-to-bill-gothard-aka-my-story-of-my-life-in-the-cult/" target="_blank"> Once again, you held me responsible for the abuses of others.</a></span><br />
~Heather<br />
<br />
I wrote a long letter to most of the members of my family about two weeks ago because I know that they are still keeping Gothard materials in their homes and even using them for their own "enrichment" or for teaching my siblings.<br />
<br />
I told them about how I got the famed "personal interview" with Got-hard and how he immediately closed down the conversation and the time when I said that our missionary family had not been able to afford to purchase and ship his homeschooling and other materials overseas. <br />
I told them about the second time we talked when I came to him with a special request from my mother. Desperate for "godly" solutions to our increasing home trauma, she asked me to ask G to call and counsel my father. As she put it, G was one of the last teachers on earth who my father respected and would listen to. <br />
<br />
Instead of listening to me he attached the blame to me. He said I must be bitter and had me do a writing assignment. Then he left for a long period of time ostensibly to talk to some delegate in mexico on a "gospel-spreading mission." When he finally deigned to come back and speak with me, he looked quickly over my pages of writing and again ordered me to asses myself on my own time, and write further because obviously the first draft was half-heartedly done and did not really reach the depths of my bitter, hardened heart. Why else would I dare question the behavior of my father, no matter how many times I attempted to reiterate that it was my mother's request with which she entrusted me.<br />
After both times I left his office sobbing deeply and felt not only valueless, but dirty and shamed. How could this great "seer" (as my Journey Leader Libby called him) have possibly gotten my situation wrong? He was the one who was the leader and I was one of the inductees.<br />
<br />
I told them in the email about how one girl who was largely deaf, but with golden hair and big blue eyes was asked to stay. Another girl, one of a twin, was asked to stay the last day. Her other twin was more loud, "tomboyish" (in the most feminine sense of the word), and had darker hair and more makeup was left protesting. She was told that she had to go home and finish school, while her mostly identical twin got showered with the honor of being asked to stay at HQ. (Her school was somehow able to be completed via distance at OakBrook)<br />
<br />
<br />
When I contacted my mother by phone (a twice-a-year-if-that-occurrence) a week or so after, I mentioned the email to her and she voiced extreme reticence to not only believe the accusations, but to see G's horrendous teachings for what they were. She felt that the testimonies were hearsay and few and far between and did not compromise his lectures and seminars.<br />
She did not discount my story, but she apologized for putting such an expectation on a 19-year old. I told her that I felt proud to be her emissary and was deeply disappointed that I was not able to help my family. And then I told her something that nagged at me then like a mosquito bite and was obvious to me now: I KNEW that I WAS NOT THE REASON that there were problems in our family. Yet I was made to feel responsible because of how G acted and the very pointed things he said, almost in those exact words, that I was.<br />
<br />
Making children responsible for the sins of their families is heresy. In fact, it is also abusive, cruel, and harmful to the children/adults themselves. <br />
I think this is something that has yet to be fully addressed by places that focus more on g's theology. But I know that it has been a constant thread for those of us with family.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-65968004600239432942014-10-22T19:30:00.002-04:002014-10-22T19:30:57.169-04:00Gaslighting and Repression Just this afternoon I was told by someone who will be the main focus of this post not to talk about them on my "unhelpful" and "problematic" and "lying, attention-seeking" blog.<br />
<br />
I had a very emotional and heart-wrenching truth-telling session with my mother over the phone last week. I told her, honestly, things that I had felt for a long time but NEVER intended to say to her. Brutally honest things. Things that she definitely got defensive about but things that she also cried with me over and listened to.<br />
<br />
One of those was self-harming behaviors by "the-one-who-shall-not-be-named."<br />
<br />
Then, this afternoon when asking a question within the one's area of expertise, I was chastised for mentioning "them" on my blog (something I have not done) and for telling my mother about their self-harm. <br />
I acknowledged that they and I had never had a conversation about self-harm, but that I had seen the self-harming with my own eyes in public and I had only told my mother exactly that.<br />
<br />
They immediately professed shock at the notion of ever having done so as a younger child and when I brought up a vivid, particularly bad time, I was told in a ferocious roar that such a thing never happened. They had no memory of that and therefore I was making up things. They told me that I needed to stop blaming "everyone else" for my problems and that "seeing a shrink" would not help me with this chronic blame-shifting that I am apparently engaged in.<br />
<br />
They continued in a loud voice over the phone to berate me for taking medications (a "band-aid" that would make my delusions worse) and for doing other things like talking about my story and seeking professional help. I was crying and attempting to defend myself and suddenly I realized that I could hang up and that is what I did!!<br />
<br />
Like my hero "Shade" says: +5 points!<br />
<br />
It shook my self-confidence much more than I expected and left me on the side of the road sobbing for about 15 minutes. It is one thing to praise <a href="http://cynthiajeub.com/" target="_blank">Cynthia Jeub</a> for <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/melting-memory-masks-cynthia-jeubs-story/" target="_blank">voicing her story</a>, it is another to be <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/21/youre-not-a-victim-because/" target="_blank">called a liar by people you know</a>/knew and do/did respect. <br />
<br />
I mentioned in a previous post how I am anonymous because of this very reason. I dont have Cynthia's courage to face my attackers with my own name. I write posts about them anonymously, taunting at them to find me in the chasm of the internet, daring never to come near the light.<br />
The pain is too much for me.<br />
<br />
I dont know if "they" have repressed these memories and called old scars "bicycle accidents" or if they really did not happen. But I have more stories and clear memories that I would be glad to share with them and with the people who I KNOW where witnesses. I am sure eventually someone will remember and the pieces will fall into place. <br />
Repression and Stockholm syndrome all on one: someday I will be here for you, sweetheart.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-80303300329336858062014-10-09T20:14:00.001-04:002014-10-09T20:28:21.073-04:00This is How We Do<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7RMQksXpQSk" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
HEY Homeschooling Parents!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Did you know that Katy Perry was the daughter of a pastor?<br />
<br />
How do you think her father/mother raised her was any different from how you raised your kids?<br />
<br />
(Whatever you are thinking, its probably wrong)<br />
<br />
Her message in this catchy dance-song is that life for the new generation of young adults (that she is one of) is a lot different from other lifestyles that came before. But this different life is normal and works for them. Its just what they DO.<br />
<br />
<br />
Do you remember how you raised us? <br />
<br />
Your arrows in your quiver?<br />
<br />
Your future warriors?<br />
<br />
Your young Joshua generation?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Yet some of us are speaking out and you arent very happy about it. There are <a href="https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/end-child-protection-doug-phillips-hslda-and-the-2009-mens-leadership-summit/" target="_blank">closet-skeletons</a> being laid out to air. There are great leaders toppling <a href="https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/category/bill-gothard/" target="_blank">left </a>and <a href="https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/11/30/peter-bradrick-former-executive-assistant-to-doug-phillips-speaks-out-on-being-formally-disowned-and-declared-to-be-a-destroyer/" target="_blank">right</a>. There are <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/08/why-does-this-have-to-be-public-cynthia-jeubs-story-part-three/" target="_blank">rugs being pulled back</a> and all the<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/08/when-homeschool-leaders-looked-away-the-old-schoolhouse-cover-up/" target="_blank"> grime under them</a> being <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/category/heidi-st-john/" target="_blank">exposed to the light</a>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And the question that most parents I hear from ask is this: "Why are you chipping away at the very movement that created you?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Because.<br />
<br />
THIS. IS. HOW. WE. DO<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
We were raised to change the culture for the better.<br />
<br />
We were raised to have loud voices against evil.<br />
<br />
We were raised to not back down and to never stop<br />
<br />
FIGHTING for what is right.<br />
<br />
We were trained to not be ashamed of our youth.<br />
<br />
We were trained to stand up to authorities without fear.<br />
<br />
We were required to use and work with logic and truth daily.<br />
<br />
We had to be of sound and strong mind.<br />
<br />
We needed to go out and challenge the status quo...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
At least that is what YOU TAUGHT US.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This is how we do, straight pulling down ivory<br />
<br />
towers of the home school elite.<br />
<br />
This is how we do, do, do, do, do<br />
<br />
This is how we do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Standing up for truth and openness.<br />
<br />
Fighting against sin and hidden evil.<br />
<br />
Exposing the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats.<br />
<br />
Refusing to stop on our quest for change.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Because you taught us well.<br />
<br />
And this is how we do. Our kind of life is different, but to us, it is normal and just something we were raised to DO.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-37899414177456170522014-04-25T20:25:00.001-04:002014-04-25T20:26:12.661-04:00Emotional Expose<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/CQJaZO2nfGg?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
I have been changed for good, and I love you guys with all my heart.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear people who were once on a path to being family:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I know it has been some time since you have heard from me, and I doubt
that even yet enough time has passed for it to be a pleasant surprise. To be most plain, I understand if you refuse
to read this and do not wish to hear my side of the story, but nevertheless I
wanted to see if something of this sort might make amends for the devastation
that has been wreaked on our relationship.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
I am sorry. I apologize for my actions and the
consequences that they brought upon your family and life for an extended period. Truly, if I could go back in time I think I
would remove myself and my influence from all of your lives completely, but the
good times would be a shame to lose. In
apologizing, I apologize the most for my ignorance. And, for those who would rather not read on,
I will continue without minding for your squeamishness, I will be frank. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
My ignorance in this whole
situation was perhaps the chief cause of the pain, misunderstanding, and
perhaps mostly, for the eventual lies and betrayal. I was raised ignorant of love and sex and had
no relationship experience to speak of, a fact which I told him most
often. I equated my mental intelligence
with that of a pre-teen and made no promises at being easy to integrate. However, your grace as a family and abounding
joy and love made me long to be one of you.
I was accepted and enjoyed; thus I thrived like the withered plant that
I was given the invigorating fertilizer of your family. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Yet I was still strange, an alien
creature to you and one that had to be his.
Under steady insistence I decided to give him a chance. I felt like it was owed for the love and
grace shown by his family, and for the constant affection shown by him and
sister. There is the malignant root that
eventually rotted this thing, but I foreshadow.
I initiated the words of affection and I sought out a relationship I had
no business entering, in the state I was in.
Finally being granted one of his long-sought-after desires, he jumped in
head over heels and was willing to do and say almost anything for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
But the ignorance still crept out
of the shadows, leaving the fear and uncomfortableness that poisoned our
friendship. Do you remember, Sir, a
conversation had with you, sister, and brother?
I was discussing the lack of education in some homeschool situations,
particularly the lessons of sex education.
When you queried me, I acknowledged a personal anecdote about pubic hair
and not knowing that it was a natural thing for women, much less for men. You seemed most confused as to why that was a
fact that an 18 or 19 year old woman would need to know and did not seem
convinced by my frail attempts to explain something not even I had a
comprehensive grasp on. I was ignorant
of that most basic human urge and purposely kept pre-pubescent in soul and mind
that it ruined the relationship. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
He often told me he liked the size
of my chest, but despite my verbal invitations (in the sunset of our time), he
refused to touch them. I offered services
to him that he also turned down, taught as he was by you, his parents, and by
his culture and religion to keep “sacred.”
But how can the carnal be kept sacred?
Such an idea is preposterous, as were my attempts to convince my adult
body to regress into my mind’s ignorance.
See, I was ready for more than a friendship but at the same time I did
not want to be anybody’s stay-at-home wife.
The system we were both brought up in, and he was still stuck in under
your roof, made that an oxymoron and an impossibility. I could not have married him, or gotten engaged, or gone any further with our relationship and gone to school and pursued a career. There is no way that could have happened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Also, I had no physical connection to
him. It took nearly two years into our
relationship to do more than hold hands and even so he felt guilt and shame for
moving forward in that way. He had
wanted to kiss upon engagement, but I was not looking for a commitment so fast,
so he compromised for me. It was as far
as he ever went. In my ignorance I
assumed that a bland “passionate” kiss only meant that I was not someone who
“liked” to kiss. I assumed he enjoyed
it, but I felt nothing, and in my ignorance and confusion I did not know how to
voice it. Thus, when I happened upon an
individual whose very presence and scent lit me up, I felt ashamed and confused
and hid that under a façade of “everything is fine.” It grew to include fear and eventually
engulfed my limited emotional capabilities.
Pursued by this chemical passion, I broke the assumed promises I had
made and went in a different direction. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
All this time he was repeatedly
mentioning his desire to seal our relationship with a ring and a promise. Every time he mentioned it I would rebuff him
with strongly negative words about my mental, emotional, and personal fitness,
or even telling him that he deserved someone better. As much as I was pushing him away from
myself, I was attempting to see if forcing myself emotionally would result in a
connection. In an extreme state of
cognitive dissonance, I went on our last “family” vacation together. Remember how upset you were, Sir and Ma’am,
at the levels of affection we were showing eachother? Before I ever met the other person who tore
our pseudo-family asunder, I was consciously forcing myself to be affectionate,
hoping that through mental force or through prolonged experience, a physical
affection would blossom as the emotional and mental connections had. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Remember our last night, dear one,
when I showed you the things I had written about you and about how you had kept
me alive for much of that time? About
how your calls and friendship had given me the strength to survive? Despite our differing religious convictions
and the problems that you knew I would inevitably have with your parents’
worldview, you continued loving me. I
believe that everything you did and said was honest; and I can only wish that
what I felt for you had been more than a zombified friendship. I introduced you to freedom, to alcohol, to
kissing, and to relationships with the opposite sex in general. I wish to someday be friends again, but I
doubt that is possible with our complicated and painful past. Like nuclear fallout, it will take more than
time to heal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Sister, I loved you with all my
heart. You withdrew from me, and in fact
began hurting me when you changed.
Instead of acknowledging your own struggles, you painted me as loud,
abrasive, and impossible to live with. I
still treasure our good times and when you messaged me last year it meant the
world to me. If you ever need anything,
I will always be your friend.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Brother, I know that our
acquaintance began in a bad place, and I attempted throughout the rest of our
time together to repair that. Being the
youngest I identified with you and I hope that you find your best place in the
world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Sir and Ma’am, I cannot imagine
what words you might have for me. I have
no idea what other things have happened in your family and in your lives since
I unceremoniously dropped out of it. I
hope that in reading this you all can understand somewhat how ignorance is a
problem that can destroy not only relationships, but families. I apologize for the pain, the heartbreak, and
for the anger that I have caused all of you.
But take responsibility for your part in continuing the ignorance of
your children and potential children-in-law.
See how what you are indoctrinating your children with is neither
healthy, nor commendable, and most certainly not feasible in the world that we
live in today. I know that this sounds like a rather unceremonious lecture inserted in what might have otherwise been an apology, but I hold to only apologizing for what is my fault.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I hope that the rest of your lives
are unmarred by sadness and that you prosper in whatever you seek.</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">With all my love,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
J.<o:p></o:p></div>
Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-53690133796276691602014-01-31T15:44:00.002-05:002014-01-31T15:44:48.003-05:00Keep Your Filthy Hands Away from My Family There seems to be a trend, when people come out of the wood work and attempt to change the status quo, of "discrediting" that person in attempt to inhibit or block their work. Perhaps some of the most insidious examples of this are people who use their life story as an example and a catalyst for change.<br /> "This happened to me." <br />
A trend I am seeing, in silencing the voices of homeschoolers or former homeschoolers who have suffered educational neglect and potentially other more serious consequences of isolation and total parental control over every aspect of their lives, is that of using one's siblings to discredit the other sibling.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/review/R3E8CZ5MI9OQMI/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0984468609&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=#wasThisHelpful" target="_blank">Stacy McDonald used Hillary McFarland's sister</a> as a method of making Hillary's groundbreaking book seem like the dramatic rendition of a "vivid imagination." Interestingly enough, her book and blog sparked a fire that is still setting free quiverfull daughters <a href="http://www.wyzant.com/Scholarships/v3/winners.aspx" target="_blank">like me</a>. <br />
As noted in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Quivering-Daughters-Hillary-McFarland/dp/0984468609/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277171894&sr=1-1" target="_blank">Quivering Daughters</a> not all homeschooling families are quiverfull and patriarchal, but patriarchal and quiverfull homes will most likely be homeschool homes as well.<br />
<br />
See, the problem with using siblings (like <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/students-home-schooling-highlights-debate-over-va-religious-exemption-law/2013/07/28/ee2dbb1a-efbc-11e2-bed3-b9b6fe264871_story.html" target="_blank">Josh Powell's</a> sibling) to <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/virginia-legislature-rules-committee-support-homeschooled-children-by-passing-house-joint-resolution-no-92?share_id=QavDrhxlLz&utm_campaign=signature_receipt&utm_medium=email&utm_source=share_petition" target="_blank">discredit potential laws</a> and books written in the face of the "<a href="http://politicsofchildhood.org/2013/11/06/about-that-homeschooling-infographic-you-keep-seeing/" target="_blank">homeschooling produces excellent results every time</a>" and "<a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/05/ive-had-enough-my-reply-to-hsldas-response.html" target="_blank">no abuse here</a>" and "<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/30/the-ideal-homeschool-girl/" target="_blank">homeschooled girls are so great because they are victorian</a>" is that it tears apart families and makes the point about "she-said-she-said" and not: <b>This is a serious issue that cannot continue. This needs to be addressed and dealt with.</b><br />
<br />
Children being homeschooled have no rights. <br />Daughters under strongly religious families are repeatedly<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/30/the-ideal-homeschool-girl/" target="_blank"> beat down into caricatures</a> of what their families think was best about the past, <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/reflections-on-malala-patriarchy-and-homeschool-advocacy/" target="_blank">crippled with sub-standard educations</a> and <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/crosspost-when-spiritual-abuse-comes-from-the-home/" target="_blank">stunted</a> <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/20/the-difficulty-with-admitting-trauma-kate-birneys-story/" target="_blank">mentally</a>, <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/crosspost-was-i-spiritually-abused/" target="_blank">emotionally</a>, and <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/until-the-dark-takes-us-all-shade-ardents-story/" target="_blank">spiritually</a>.<br />
Sons are forced to become "entrepreneurs" instead of "wage slaves chained to desks" and bound to a life of poverty with their <a href="http://www.alternet.org/why-are-christian-fundamentalist-parents-allowed-deny-their-kids-basic-literacy" target="_blank">futures stolen</a>.<br /><br />I am angry and I am scared.<br />
<br />
See, I have multiple younger siblings still living at home, which is the main reason for my anonymity. I want to protect them and their way of life, even while I try to dismantle it from the outside. I know that my parents have been reported for educational neglect (by others and neighbors), but the state they live in has not decided to do anything about it. I have not lived there in over 3 years, or been allowed to see any siblings under the age of 18. I get only small glimpses from my older brother or my oldest younger brother when he calls me.<br />
<br />
IF I WERE TO SPEAK OUT using my own name, how many of my younger siblings could come foreward and say that I was lying? <br />
Many of them were not spanked like my older brother was, mostly because my parents no longer had the time to individually deal with offenses. "Creative punishments" like chores, or enforced hugging, or writing verses were used more, or periods of verbal berating. <br />
Many of them are males, and therefore will not receive the same kind of spiritual abuse I did, being told that <a href="http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/2010/04/cultic-family-part-iii.html" target="_blank">God would not speak to me</a> because I was a child (meaning I had a living father) and a woman.<br />The younger children have no idea <a href="http://butterflysmemoirs.blogspot.com/2013_06_01_archive.html" target="_blank">what our father did</a> because it is a "hush hush" family secret so that no one knows that he has no integrity.<br />
<b>Thats the thing about sin, if you hide all of yours and dont let anyone tell, you look perfect.</b> <br />
<br />
They could easily say that I was "being overly dramatic" about leaving the RP and what happened to the former ministry there.<br />In fact, many people would back them up on that point. I was dramatic as a child, singing made-up opera songs at the top of my lungs to get attention.<br />
I also was a "perennial liar" because I would often attempt to tweak the truth or get out of a punishment by inventing white lies or using "deception" as my mom would call it often. "Not telling the WHOLE truth is deception, and therefore a lie and a sin." SO, if I got the whole house cleaned, but spent some time on the computer as well; telling her that I worked all afternoon is a deception, a sin, and a LIE. See, I am not to be believed. <br />
<br />
Anyone who knows my name could get my older brother (who still is a fundamentalist patriarch in beliefs) to "discredit" loads of things that are<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/a-call-for-precision-benjamin-keils-thoughts/" target="_blank"> my empirical evidence</a>, based on his empirical evidence.<br />
<br />
But guess what: KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!<br />
HSLDA, and the McDonalds, and anyone else who feels like using sibling against sibling in order to keep their money-making, influential empires intact.<br />
I am here to break down your system, and my family is not a pawn in your game.<br />
When I do break out of my anonymity, I will not allow you to use them against me.<br />And for those who have already done so (specifically those mentioned above): For Shame.<br />
<br />
Shame, shame, shame upon you and your name and legacy.<br />
Your hands are tainted with the shame to which you stoop.<br />
Your legacy is smeared by the abuse you defend and allow to continue.<br />You have no credibility, so you hurt that of those who do, using the few people who might be able to damage them. And you use a family to do it. You are not defenders of the family, but wreckers.<br />
<br />
Shame.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-87956739894317302172014-01-21T13:36:00.000-05:002014-01-31T15:47:19.879-05:00People over _______. I have a new core doctrine for myself. I grew up with an extremely rigid set of beliefs, and having something solid, something black-and-white that I can claim as a personal core belief has been very good for me as a person.<br />
<br />
This doctrine is: People over ALL.<br />
People over money, people over religion, people over social status, people over problems, people over disagreements, people over feuds, people over politics, people over pain, people over misunderstandings, and people over _____ (insert word).<br />
<br />
Basically, this ties into my traumatic experience with being cut off from my family for my religious beliefs. Unless I agreed 100% and walked lock-step with my father in all of his doctrine and religious pursuits, I was not welcome in my family, and I am considered a "prodigal daughter."<br />
HOWEVER, my caveat to this is that people (especially and specifically those who are abusers) do not get to be raised over things like safety, common sense, personal boundaries, and personal mental health. I will not allow my father to come visit me because even though he is a person, he has not earned the right to my trust and my heart. He lost those with his actions and will not get them ever again.<br />
I will, though, support his right to life, liberty, his personal property (not my siblings persons, they are not his property), and his ability to pursue personal happiness in being religious. I will not support his attempts to prosyletize if other people dont want him around because I support other people's right to not want to be bothered over his desire to convert.<br />
<br />
I participated in an even with my community college yesterday MLK day and we went around the room with questions written on paper about a gamut of current issues. My question was: Is your freedom worth someone else's pain? Your money? You place (in society/church/whatever)?<br />
Is your freedom to own guns without checks or mandatory locks or any "government snooping" worth the death of kids by accidental shooting from their siblings, the Newton shooting, or other shootings that will happen after this is posted?<br />
Is your freedom to run a business your own personal way more important that labor laws or pollution ordinances or the rights of your workers to humane treatment, "nominal" working hours, and a living wage?<br />
Is your freedom to pay yourself millions of dollars as a CEO and bonuses (and then hide it in offshore accounts) more important than the well being of people who are STARVING because government assistance doesnt feed them adequately?<br />
<br />
I think people, and the welfare of these people, should come before the things that can be put aside.<br />
Leading up to this is my firm belief that America should be a bigger welfare state. My Comparative Government professor talked a little bit about Germany having a pretty capitalist economy but with a solid welfare state that provides not only working comp, but years of maternity and paternity leave, as well as health care for everyone, and education for everyone up to college!<br />
<br />
This level of advances people-care could happen in America if people were less focused on greed and personal gain and more focused on bettering the lives of EVERYONE they can.<br />
People over all.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-64670532521903403902013-12-08T16:16:00.003-05:002014-01-31T15:55:14.890-05:00Fall semester finished!I think I will be passing with flying colors again this semester.<br />
My teachers love the effort I put in and I even cut back hours working to study more.<br />
I am registered for spring classes and I have run out of solely online classes, so I will be taking three in-class classes this spring.<br />
IF I can take a full load of classes in the summer as well (depending on what is offered) I may be graduating with an Associates in Arts this summer and moving on to a Bachelors in the fall! 64 credits and *whew, what a whirlwind of a year and a half!!<br />
The WyzAnt money means SO much, as I have been able to cut back on saving-for-whole-semester's-tuition and merely saving for books and paying my living expenses. I have not been an attentive friend or person, focusing too much on my studies and work sometimes, but I figure in 2 more years I will have all the free time in the world. Hopefully with a degree I can even cut back on working hours and get paid more! (yay minimum wage: NOT!)<br />
<br />
I was able to take three days off and go visit my older sister (kalipay) over Thanksgiving. We hadnt seen each other in over a year and half and it was awesome to be around her again. We had both changed a lot since our teenage years in different ways. I am quieter and she is more outgoing, but being together always means a lot to me. I have said in the past that we are all we have. With family like this, who needs enemies?!? Having a sister who embodies the concept of "family" makes all the difference. Hopefully some day some of our younger siblings will also be able to hang out with us and we can really redeem the years that the locust had eaten.<br />
<br />
On that biblical note, I am still in no-man's-land as far as claiming a belief system. I have enormous vestiges of Christianity, of course, but I dont feel comfortable or okay with claiming it. Being unable to reconcile a huge part of oneself causes a lot of dissonance. I am glad to be able to throw myself into education and work and put it on the shelf to deal with at a later time.<br />
<br />
On a positive note: I was mentioned on the <a href="http://prospect.org/article/homeschool-apostates" target="_blank">Homeschool Apostates piece by Kathryn Joyce</a> in the Prospect.<br />
According to people, some of the discussions that ended in the creation of Homeschoolers Anonymous (HA) began from my short essay in WyzAnt!!! I had no idea, honestly, and while I have enjoyed reading and contributing a small bit to the work being done, I was greatly honored to be one of the reasons that such a great movement began.<br />
I just keep plugging on with life. Everything will get better and keep getting better, right?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF_KUHWShzkMa7k8kqOdyL6txKfjMcHps7tv1_Mfj7wVH-0DobTcEPzxpBLih4bKMnedOiBeaHXrbH4zFmVCVV9e6imHrwqwOx73AGyEqeetmB5dPTqsnLRGA5NvhioD2ZV4DWRmRbNJs/s1600/IMG00100-20140127-1755.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF_KUHWShzkMa7k8kqOdyL6txKfjMcHps7tv1_Mfj7wVH-0DobTcEPzxpBLih4bKMnedOiBeaHXrbH4zFmVCVV9e6imHrwqwOx73AGyEqeetmB5dPTqsnLRGA5NvhioD2ZV4DWRmRbNJs/s1600/IMG00100-20140127-1755.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Also THIS!!!!!Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-51478424060458393862013-11-02T14:41:00.001-04:002013-11-02T14:51:55.223-04:00A Resignation that Doesnt Mean MuchEveryone has been talking about <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/10/doug-phillips-resigns-from-vision-forum-cites-affair.html" target="_blank">Doug</a> <a href="http://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2013/10/31/doug-philips-resigns-from-office-of-president-at-vision-forum-discontinues-speaking-engagements/" target="_blank">Phillips</a> <a href="http://jensgems.wordpress.com/2013/11/01/how-patriarchy-itself-is-the-slippery-slope-that-led-doug-phillips-to-serious-sin-with-another-woman/" target="_blank">Resignation</a> and the hidden <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/11/which-vision-forum-did-doug-phillips-resign-from.html" target="_blank">non-resignation</a> he is not doing.<br />
As a daughter of patriarchy, quiverfull, and with a father who had a "collection" of VF lectures on CD, for whom we bought the "200-year plan" for fathers day, who forced us to read So Much More, and Return of the Daughters at least 5 times the month it came out.... I think I have a valid perspective on the "ministering" that DP and VF have been doing for the past decade.<br />
<br />
I have gotten cheated on and I have cheated in relationships. I was never in a "forever" marriage like DP is in (no divorce, according to their interpretation). I have seen cheating tear apart my own family. I also have yet to see my cheating parent truly repent and attempt to earn back my respect. My grandparents even have cheating in their legacy. "I come from a long line of cheaters..." (to hijack the country song).<br />
<br />
My assumptions on this DP/VF ministries debacle is both personal (from experience) and from what I have know about the ministry.<br />
<br />
First of all: he is still making money off of the poisonous teaching he has been peddling for decades. That in and of itself negates his "repentance" in my mind.<br />
Second, his insistence on his families forgiveness and his new dedication to being at home with them sickens me. My parent's cheating lost us our whole way of life. The family moved far away, in less than two months after the revealing of the 3+ years of "romantic and emotional" and who-knows-what-else carryings (just made that word up) on. I, too, was forced to "forgive." Then I was forced to respect and honor my parents as if nothing had ever happened. That is not only a false repentance, but a cruel and evil demand for forgiveness and an abuse of us children's emotions, hearts, and minds. I am assuming that the Phillips children are facing this exact situation right now. I'll bet they have no choice, not being allowed higher education, moving out, or independence of thought. Heck, some of them might even be "willingly" and "eagerly" forgiving. Stockholm Syndrome at its deepest level. I know, I was there for a while as well. But somehow, despite the crippling and suicidal depression I found myself in (results of cognitive dissonance and abuse, I am sure), I was able to realize that my parent demanding respect and honor without real change in attitude, behavior, or intent, was wrong on some level.<br />
I credit this realization with my eventual escape from the chains of brainwashing and mental abuse. Somehow I was able to realize that this was WRONG and that my parent was not an ounce regretful. I also realized that after 3+ years (and by their own admission) they would not have ever ended the relationship unless the other parent had called them out publicly. They had no intention of ceasing this "sinful" behavior. They in fact derided the other spouse for calling them out. <br />
<br />
For these reasons, I feel more grace and forgiveness towards the children of the Phillips family that for the father. For the mother I have feelings going both ways. She allowed this to go on for a "lengthy" time and will probably not divorce him, because of her commitment to the abuseful (made that up too) doctrine that he teaches. The children will still be stuck in his fenced (think the Berlin Wall) in circle of influence and unable to really process this tremendous admission of personal failure.<br />
Weathr or not he is being entirely truthful about the lack of PIV, (seeing how truthful he is being about stepping down from his position as "minister," and how truthful he has been to his circle while this affair has been going on.... he has two strikes) we have yet to see.<br />
<br />
I sincerely hope the whole truth will come out.<br />
A man of his religious rockstar nature does not fall easily. This huge admission must have been forced or threatened. He is doing preliminary damage control and probably attempting to use his weight before it disappears.<br />
<br />
In all of this I sigh, shake my head, rub my eyes, and say "it has all happened before."<br />
I am not surprised, but then at the same time I didnt see something this huge as the reason his legacy would be tarnished. I have a lot to say, but I think this about all I should say.<br />
My patriarch-Vision-Forum parents played this play out before my own eyes. I hate to see it happening to others.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-84036302021705010902013-11-02T01:59:00.000-04:002013-11-02T01:59:16.099-04:00Looking Ahead: HolidaysHolidays are always a difficult time for me, personally.<br />Everyone is
talking about "family" and I have absolutely nothing that is not
negative, cynical, or bitter to respond with. I have one really awesome
family member (my sister) and she is treated similarly.<br />
<br />
I have not been able to
communicate with anyone but my mother for the longest time. Of course,
communicating with my father is something I would rather have another
pap smear than do.<br />
<br />
The other kids chose to believe the parents or are too young. Attempts to get the only other one who got a GED one into community college or trade school have been somewhat successful. <br />
<br />
"Family" hurts me. The word, the concept, the idea. I never understood Dobson's insistence on family meals. By the time all the kids got served the boys were done with firsts and asking for seconds. With strictly rationed meat portions, they filled up with veggies and rice. Some of the younger kids had to be fed by older kids and communicating in front of parents was so fake it was painful. "What did you do today" has no meaning when one has not left the house in a week and everyone else in the house has been there all week as well. Hearing my father talk was something we just had to put up with living with. (grammar-less much?) <br />The idea of a family get-together never held much appeal because of the awkwardness. My father was openly spiteful about and to his mother-in-law. He argued with his own parents a lot and the two sets of grandparents were so different in personality and style that having them together was always strained.<br />Having them apart was always fun. They would play games and provide some break in routine. And, my grandfather allowed us to have all the condiments we wanted when he was supervising mealtimes. yay!<br />
<br />
But most of all, family hurts because my children were torn from me. I was not able to stay and care for them. I was not able to take them with me. I am not able to see or speak to them. I raised them for about ten years each and then they were gone. I cannot fathom the lies they hear about me on a daily basis.<br />
Family hurts because when I look into the future I dont have a model for how I want to be. I dont have anything to look forward too. <br />
And the holidays hurt because people naturally assume that you go see relatives and family and have fun and enjoy. Well, being that my family refuses to celebrate "pagan" holidays they wont be celebrating, and seeing them would put me in a mental state that I have no wish to be in.<br />Can I just say that I am looking forward to partaking again in mental-health visits when I get healthcare next year? Thanks, Congress and Romney and Obama! My mental health was always a worry to me. But I have the feeling that maybe a better brain will be my present all next year. And maybe the 2014 holidays wont be so painful?Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-56575475048898226802013-10-07T19:36:00.000-04:002013-10-07T19:36:18.540-04:00Grandchild pt 2I wrote <a href="http://butterflysmemoirs.blogspot.com/2010/02/not-grandchild.html" target="_blank">this post</a> a long time ago when I was upset about my father telling me that God would speak to him and not me because of my gender.<br /><br />I am having flashbacks to this because the people I babysit for switched their childs daycare to a fundie baptist church/school kindergarden. I know they are fundie because of the way the women all look like my mom and the younger girls all look like I did. There are knee-length or longer skirts on every one of them and they have that "meek" attitude about them that drives me insane now that I have given it up. The men all have that obnoxious "go-getter" attitude and are forced to open the door for women and children (and are wearing ties and collared shirts and/or suits).<br />
I enjoy wearing pants as I drop the child off and driving into the carpool lane with "I Love This Bar" playing on the country music station. I enjoy driving off as they shuffle kids to and fro getting paid who knows what (maybe even volunteering their time as a "ministry"). <br />
I feel a little guilty because a part of my head feels like that should be me doing that (brainwashing kicking in).<br />
<br />
But I have figured out what I am going to say to them if they ever dare to strike up a conversation with me:<br />"No thank you." Flat out refusal of their values is going to be like a backhand to them.<br />Because I grew up like that. And I realized, after years of swallowing the koolaid, when my dad told me that God would not commune with me because of my gender, that all that bullshit about wearing skirts and being the "weaker sex" and guarding men's eyes was just that... bullshit. None of it was biblical and none of it was supportable in a real-life situation.<br /><br />Im no grandchild. If I am a Christian, I am God's child outright and my father is not and never was my "umbrella" or mediator. If I am religious it is because I find some kind of meaning in it, not because I was raised a culture warrior or taught my Koine Greek or memorized thousands of verses, or know my references by heart. I am no grandchild, and neither are you.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-44765694549998374492013-08-29T18:50:00.002-04:002013-08-29T18:50:29.913-04:00Crossposted on HA!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjub-VGOcvYrIpOYvMn8zBDiGT04pW4xF0Uy-z9B9j8lSajhTN0nL1ytl4OPP_GmBhf8Phz_bWmKXSOdbUWLgw2ZaVTd0vv21MUxgMQrVh63xSkMgUMJNmf_SnQWlg03lDauYtwd_udjFE/s1600/DSC08850.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjub-VGOcvYrIpOYvMn8zBDiGT04pW4xF0Uy-z9B9j8lSajhTN0nL1ytl4OPP_GmBhf8Phz_bWmKXSOdbUWLgw2ZaVTd0vv21MUxgMQrVh63xSkMgUMJNmf_SnQWlg03lDauYtwd_udjFE/s320/DSC08850.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdu5B1IwLUGHFZIiAR5mctVloniAhHCk0o3aL2IKlykn585J5wDNUh71mzKe7oP1B_AXT3sipB-GcPe46RDyPpknHNQzFTN4shvq358JNQcm8ytSLwAVHMWspXP7qjf_fu0GhlVWdNuAA/s1600/Feb.+28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
This was my favorite shelf in the expansive home-library my mother used for school and down time.<br />Books were my escape, coping meschanism, and delight. <br /><br />Unfortunately for me, the nearest library is about 6 miles in a direction I avoid because of traffic (not to mention it is beside a Mega-church with "abortion crosses" and protesters semi-frequently on it's sidewalks).<br />
I am proud to have been cross-posted on <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/08/28/reading-voraciously-in-a-land-of-books-doahf/" target="_blank">Homeschoolers Anonymous Week of Positives</a>.<br />
This is actually the second time, because they also posted my story about being a sister-mom to my younger siblings recently. <br />
I know what you are saying: I post more on other people's blogs than on my own!!!Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-29714566926185621712013-08-06T02:33:00.003-04:002013-08-06T02:33:27.318-04:00Hey, Y'allIve been getting a lot of views via Libby Anne's <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/survivor-blogs" target="_blank">Survivor Blog</a>s list, and I wanted to greet them cheerily.<br /><br />Also, I wanted to update seeing how long its been since I have posted a cheery, upbeat southern greeting.<br />
Seriously, my accent is getting worse because I am waitressing now and I have been told multiple times that customers will get offended if called "guys" (as in "hey, guys, what drinks can I start you off with this evening?" or "How are you guys doing?").<br />
<br />
I am finding that waitressing involves a lot more walking and working and the money and hours are never guaranteed. Its hard and tiring and wearing me out.<br />
College classes begin the 15th, and I am very excited for this third semester. While I did win the scholarship, it does not cover books, so I have been saving up for those as well.<br />Thankfully I am learning how to balance between renting and buying to save as much $$ as I can (considering that buying them from the bookstore runs around $800 a semester!) and I worked myself to death this week and made $400 for them. (yay!)<br />
<br />
Since it has been hot and muggy out I have not had any severe issues with depression or lashing out emotionally. I have been stressed a lot with work and being physically worn out, but I know it is only for the time being and I am looking forward to beginning classes again. I feel like I am in my element when I do that and it really makes me happy.<br />
Also, I have been saving up money for a kitty. I am a cat-lover and I have not had one since I left home. It does something for me that nothing else does. I have been biding my time, saving up for the apartment pet deposit, and looking for the perfect ball of fluff to fall head over heels in love with. I know it will happen and I have been wanting it more and more now that I have a little place of my own.<br />
<br />
Life is as life does. <br />I keep plugging on.<br />
Its my tenacity. I will survive and conquer and look down at those who have tried to hurt me and laugh.<br />
..........maybe?Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-2040962469403129562013-07-21T20:14:00.001-04:002013-07-21T20:14:15.566-04:00Euthanaize the Adage!I think it is time to put to rest a saying that I have heard more times than I ever care to hear, and a saying that makes me sick to my stomach. Sick both with past memories and future fears, even illogical ones, because that is something that I will need a lot of therapy and healing to cope with.<br />
<br />
We have all heard it: "Parents know best" or some variation thereof.<br />
<br />
I have a couple problems with this adage. First, it is OLD. Ancient, in fact. An in the ancient world, it was perhaps a fact and not merely a saying. Second, it is mostly false.<br />I can be generous and say that many parents want what is best for their children (definitely not all, not really sure about saying most) and have their children's best interests at heart. However, in today's world, this saying is most assuredly not a fact and not a truth, and almost nothing but a relic.<br />
<br />
This is an OLD concept. Say three decades ago (the 80s, people!), a parent told their child a blatant mis-truth. (For instance, "Your mother was a horse.") The child might believe it for a time, being impressionable and young, but after growing up and learning about procreation and such, the child would find out that their father lied to them. Other mis-truths that were not so blatant might never be discovered if the child/young person/adult never came across a fact that would dis-prove their parent's lies/deception (for instance: "Gay men are all pedophiles and dendrophiliacs.")<br />
In the Age of Information, knowledge and fact is everywhere. A tween has merely to do a simple google search to find information about everything from phlebotomy to graphic sexual pictures and instructions.<br />
A parent's only recourse is to limit a child's world and keep them in a bubble (something<a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/crosspost-visualizing-the-myth-of-the-unsocialized-homeschooler/" target="_blank"> homeschooling parents like mine did very well</a>) and keep them socially and worldly ignorant.<br />
Unfortunately for parents: this method will work only as long as the child is a) young or b) chooses to ignore the cognitive dissonance as an adult and continues to live in their parents bubble willingly/through ignorance.<br />
It did not work for me, as I left home (3 years ago, yesterday) and decided to no longer subserviate myself to their goals and designs for me. (My spell-check doesnt like that word. lol)<br />
<br />
Because people are MUCH more educated today than they were even 3 decades ago and can find out the mis-truth or veracity of anything if they desire, parents are more and more unable to control their child's/adult's personality and choices. If your child wants to grow up and become a dental hygienist, or conversely if they want to sell artwork on etsy their entire lives: their parents can no longer tell the person (not child) things like "no one makes a living off etsy" because many people do. Any attempts by the parent to control the person's future are therefore manipulative (and in my opinion sinister and cruel and quite possibly evil).<br />
Also, while in the past the benefit of experience and age meant something, much of this knowledge is shared. It is not impossible to find stories going both ways about EVERY situation and choice under the sun. You want a good opinion of this? Let me find it for you. An opinion saying this exact thing ruined someone's life? A personal testimony hot and fresh off the life-grill.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Second reason: This is mostly false.<br /> Parents do not know at all times and in all cases what is intrinsically best for their offspring, especially their older and adult offspring. While genetics are a part of family, each and every offspring you or anyone in this world has is going to be 100% different from them. Different life experiences, different character traits and combinations, different features, different friends, different, different, different. Yes, many parents mean well and they sincerely want what is best for their offspring, but unfortunately, the aforementioned parents are also human. Through their human lens, they can only recommend or steer as they personally see best. Which can lead to some pretty disgruntled adults, because what your parent may personally think is best may be completely the opposite of what is best for YOU as a person, and individual, and a separate life from them.<br />
Also, the amount of change capable in one lifetime, especially given my first point above about the increasing availability and openness of information, is expansively more than three decades ago could ever have been. For instance, imagine a child being told that gays were dendrophiliacs and pedophiles. Should this person grow up to have homosexual desires, they would have trouble with their identity because they had no tree-urges and therefore could not identify themselves as homosexual. <br />
However, a person in a similar situation today has merely to pull up wikipedia to find out that dendroplilia has nothing to do with being hetero or homosexual, and they can also explore the <a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tamraexcell.com%2Fjournal%2Fgingerbread-person-gender-sexuality-illustrated%2F&h=0&w=0&sz=1&tbnid=eEplqwz7x3HXaM&tbnh=181&tbnw=279&zoom=1&docid=QOe7RN1ZdMpTMM&ei=3nXsUYq8Mo3c8wTTlYDYCA&ved=0CAIQsCU" target="_blank">Genderbread Person Model</a> and figure out for themselves exactly how to be themselves, despite their parents mental, religious, or ancient ideologies regarding gender and sexuality.<br />
<br />
I say: Lets euthanize this adage!!<br />
It pre-dates the age of information (which disproved things once taken for granted, like Pluto's planethood), and it is no longer the case in a world where people are more free to choose their own way earlier and earlier in life.<br />
While it may still apply in some cases, it is definitely no longer true for the majority, and it is in many situations blatantly wrong and hurtful to those who have been at odd with their parents. It gives complete strangers an ability to tell you you were wrong in your choices for yourself, because they assume that in all cases, all parents are better at deciding their children's lives and choices than the child/person/adult themselves.<br />Also, saying that the "meant well" is identical to saying they know best. I know of quite a few cases where the parents do NOT mean well.<br /><br />Finally,<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-woman-with-down-syndrome-seeks-power-to-live-the-way-she-wants/2013/07/20/76102a82-d789-11e2-a9f2-42ee3912ae0e_story.html" target="_blank"> think about this real-life situation.</a><br />
A 29 year old woman, whose parent's have authority over because of her medical situation and IQ. <br />
Do her parents know best and mean well when they call her delusional and want her isolated, unable to get the job she wants, and in a place she is not meant to be?Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-15011205202053350552013-06-16T19:13:00.001-04:002013-06-16T19:14:00.248-04:00F-Day: I Want An ApologyI suppose I should say something patronizing and politically correct right now about the ones that do it right and the ones who really are good and shit.<br />
But I dont feel like it. <br />
<br />
I am boycotting facebook today because I really cant handle all the mushy "my dad is the beeeest dad eeevvvuuur" stuff people are posting along with pictures of when they were little with their dads.<br />
<br />
All the pictures I have with my dad are in "ministry" or in family pictures we took once every 5 or so years; reminders that "god" and his ministry and his "testimony" were more important than me.<br />
Oh yeah, and that pesky little affair he got into!<br />
What a great example of a Father. <br />
<br />
Did I ever mention that he apologized to me only once for that?<br />
He uprooted our while family, causing us to move thousands of miles, losing all contact with our only friends, forced us to live in an entirely different culture (it was only home for him and my mom), moved us around frequently for 3 years, unable to stay too long in any one place, and then picked a situation where he was uniquely unsuited to settle.<br />
He again tried to be the leader of a religious group, except the independent Americans weren't used to being told how to worship god and they shied away from him like wood splinters from a swinging axe. They all could see that he lacked grace, and come of them tried to tell him that, but he laughed in their faces and called them pant-less men who were being controlled by their overbearing wives.<br />
<br />
He frequently made me feel ashamed for the genes that he gave me (and his side of the family) and told me to exercise and "get out" more. I would serve myself food and he would chime in (sometimes from across the room) "A moment on your lips, forever on your hips."<br />
He boasted about my intelligence, telling me that by studying at home I could be fit to debate down any newly minted "Youth Leader" graduating from his alma mater: Liberty University. (he scorned youth leaders because many of then started out as Pastoral majors and after enduring one semester of greek decided to downgrade to a less demanding degree)<br />
I also learned that judgmental and cruel attitude towards others and spent years making more enemies than friends, influencing no one before I realized what I was doing.<br />
After all, I was only following the example set for me by my Father.<br />
<br />
I never asked for anything because he never had money. He worked up to 7 days a week to feed and clothe 9 kids and a wife in a country with a steadily failing economy. I was not allowed to leave home without a chaperone or get a job, so I served as a free maid after I finished whatever school I had left to do.<br />
And I felt like it. I was expected to be able to control (without being allowed to enforce my commands) my 6 younger siblings and to cook and clean up after them each day (to my mother's specifications of clean).<br />
Is it any wonder I escaped to the internet?<br />
He spent time on the computer too. And because he was the man, he could force any one to leave what they were doing so that he could check his email and stalk random people on facebook.<br />
I cannot forget the one time a friend (who made some decisions with her life that my father did not aproove of) commented on a status update I made and my father took it upon himself to tell her she was not welcome to comment on my updates and that she should never speak to me again.<br />
He was always setting an example for me.<br />
<br />
So please, dont take this as a bitter, selfish rant from a disgruntled daughter.<br />
I would love to want to have contact with and see and spend time with my father.<br />
Reconciliation is always the golden nugget we hide in the bottom of our hearts.<br />
Dont tell me to pray for my father: because I know for a fact people who have been praying decades for some kind of honest change in him have told me that as well and my father has remained consistently impervious to all of it. Obviously, it doesnt work and hasnt worked.<br />
Or maybe they are praying the wrong thing.<br />
<br />
What I want on this F-day is for my father to call me and apologize.<br />
Apologize for the spiritual and mental abuse he inflicted on me and my siblings for most of our lives.<br />
Apologize for the choices he made and for what consequences those choices had on his vulnerable and innocent children.<br />
Apologize for his consistent refusal to listen to his children and for shaming them and hurting their hearts by his callous attitude and cold-hearted patriarchal stance.<br />
Apologize for the threats and hate he has volleyed at his adult children who moved away, ran away, or were kicked out of the house by his "standards."<br />
Apologize for the poison planted in the minds of the younger children against their older siblings because they were too young to understand everything that was going on and were not told the truth.<br />
Apologize for the alienation and refusal to support except for the guilt-tripping "I love you" texts every 6 months or so that basically only tells you that he hasnt changed and he wants you to feel guilty.<br />
Apologize for making the lives of his adult children agonizing because of his refusal to sign FAFSAs, teach them how to survive in the adult world, and give them any kind of support or positive reinforcement.<br />
<br />
And finally, and apology for being such a bad example as a human being and as a father. <br />
I am pretty sure I/we his kids deserve this.<br />
And until I get this, I am not going to wish him a "happy" day and pretend that everything doesnt matter.<br />
Because it does matter. And no amount of sugar coating can cover the gangrene of the bad example he continues to set every day.Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-74538345715528814672013-05-30T03:11:00.002-04:002013-05-30T03:33:45.323-04:00Today's Topic: Modesty is about Pricks**warning, frank speech in plain terms <br />
<br />
<br />
I know, *insert sighs and groans* because "modesty" is a trigger word used to condemn anything that is too tight, too short, too thin, or to "sexy."<br />
<br />
But have you EVER thought about what that really means?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.bookwormbeauty.com/2013/05/the-only-thing-my-double-ds-ever-got-me.html" target="_blank">This blog post</a>; which is very personal, real, and moving brought up a whole new side of "modesty" for me that I had never contemplated before.<br />
When the man asks her to sit down because some boy is "doing things," what is he saying?<br />
He is saying that the boy's penis would not be erect if she were sitting down, or wearing more clothing, or (perhaps preferably) not present. Really, he is telling her that she needs to submit to some strange, pubescent boy's penis.<br />
<br />
THAT BLEW MY MIND.<br />
<br />
Modesty, as it is forced upon women by the fundamentalist, jean-jumper, skirts-only, shirts-two-sizes-too-big culture, is all about men's pricks. Because some man might get an erection from you wearing pants, or from seeing your ankles in sandals, or because your shirt had too big of a neck.<br />
<br />
I mean, of course they dont say it this way because talking about sex is taboo and I didnt know what an erection was until I was about 21. Young girls, it is when a man is sexually aroused. His penis stands away from his body. You are NOT trying to "protect the minds of your brothers in Christ." You are actually trying to not be in any semblance sexual, so that they do not think of anything sexual when they see you.<br />
Ie: the more shapeless, asexual, and invisible you are, the better it is for the men.<br />
<br />
Because men cant help it?<br />
<br />
Helllooooo, <b>I was taught basic logic even though I was not taught anatomy.</b><br />
<br />
Seeing a <a href="http://madeinhisimage.org/the-bikini-question/" target="_blank">chocolate cake</a> does not give a man an erection.<br />
Spending a day in the park does not give a man an erection. <br />
Seeing a woman in pants does not give a man an erection.<br />
Seeing a woman in a bathing suit (one or two piece) does not give a man an erection.<br />
Seeing a woman's V-neck shirt does not give a man an erection.<br />
Seeing a woman bend over does not give a man an erection.<br />
Seeing a woman's breasts does not give a man an erection.<br />
Seeing a woman naked does not give a man an erection.<br />
<br />
How can I say this? Well, because seeing is only that. Your corneas are sending information pixels to your brain. There is nothing sexual about pixels. What causes an erection is a MAN thinking sexual thoughts in his mind. His body (having evolved to survive and propagate his species) responds to the sexual thoughts by bringing his penis away from his body to better penetrate his object of sexual lust.<br />
Men are not helpless when their corneas unwittingly allow pixels of women to fly to their brains, they are CHOOSING to sexually objectify that woman. The woman could be doing something as innocent as <a href="http://home.kendra.com/victorianrituals/Victor/ritualsII.htm" target="_blank">showing an ankle underneath her voluminous dress when crossing the street</a>, and a man could sexually objectify her.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>It is not something women can control.</b><br />
Because you, as a person, cannot control any person other than yourself.<br />
<b>It is not something women can prevent.</b><br />
Because you can never predict all the fetishes and turn-ons in the world, and there are more every day! Unless you never see a man, you cannot protect all men from yourself. Which leads me to say:<br />
<b>It is not something women are at fault for.</b><br />
If anything, it was the fault of whomever fashioned women to be so sexually attractive to men (and <a href="http://hopewellmomschoolreborn.blogspot.com/2013/05/defrauding-or-how-men-can-keep-women.html" target="_blank">vise versa</a>), and it was an evolutionary necessity to keep the human race from dying out. You cannot change being born a woman, (well, you actually can, these days) and you cannot change having a womanly shape, and you cannot stop that from attracting men, as men are attracted to your pheromones as much as they are to your shape(s).<br />
<b>It is not something women should be shamed for.</b><br />
Seriously. The message I hear over and over from the "modesty, purity" camp is: Woman, you have a body that attracts men. For shame! Cover up and hide that attraction. Do not have a body. For shame!<br />
<br />
So that's it: modesty is about keeping men from getting an erection.<br />
So modest is about women preventing blue balls, somehow<br />
So modesty is nothing more than men's penises deciding what women do or dont get to wear or show or cover or have.<br />
<br />
Strange, when I put it in those terms I suddenly dont have the urge to ever want to be called "modest" again. <br />
<br />
As I told someone I used to know this evening:<br />
<b><i> I have decided personally that I will not be a slave to any man's penis.</i></b>Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-13783514854498809812013-05-21T14:01:00.000-04:002013-05-21T16:33:29.865-04:00TeenPact – My experience (and a lot of parenthesis)<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEujtul9D01a6eUAgMvrI_EhRfCtT5nFOWlqhIa92QcD6Paue56vjHJyJWm-4x0KYJEfo3Aa5i_mtcm-JDUsIJILbbR4jyLN-Dpqrvf_VTWoXXRLp6wf3PBv8CTzrhxgjMLIInJKmYRjw/s1600/DSC07781.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEujtul9D01a6eUAgMvrI_EhRfCtT5nFOWlqhIa92QcD6Paue56vjHJyJWm-4x0KYJEfo3Aa5i_mtcm-JDUsIJILbbR4jyLN-Dpqrvf_VTWoXXRLp6wf3PBv8CTzrhxgjMLIInJKmYRjw/s200/DSC07781.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
My mom saw a poster for it on the
homeschool group's website. It was being promoted a lot since it was
the first year that they gained access to our State. I think I was
the ONLY student there who wanted to attend. Amid all the
testimonies of hating the fancy (and modest) clothes, hating civics,
and it being a struggle to not listen to music or watch television
all week, I wondered what was wrong with all these other
homeschoolers.<br />
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Yes, I had a lot of pride, but I was
raised thinking that homeschooling was better than public school and
it was unfortunate that public schoolers could not get a 4 day
crash-course of in-depth politics training on a state level. I
reveled in the homework and the required modest clothing and I had no
problem with the rule about media because my media consumption was
already incredibly minuscule. The rules about guy-girl interactions
was not a problem because of how strict my father was, and all of the
guys there were younger than me and not that appealing.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I also had a family background in
politics (2008 was an election year and my grandparents and older
sister were so caught up in the whirlwind that my leaving for so many
days was a big deal around the house) which made me the student who
knew it all.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And that was a problem. My whole
TeenPact experience I was either patronized by staffers and
administrators, or I was the problem that they had to deal with and
work around.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
One of the staffers inserted a rabbit
trail push for John McCain votes/support (we were all too young to
vote anyway) and I piped up (in the middle of class) about his
immigration bill and his history of non-conservatism. That got me an
extremely dirty look from all staffers and I was ignored every time I
raised my hand after that...except when no one else knew the answer.
(I was down for a couple in-kind contributions to a campaign, so I
knew what they were. None of the other students did.)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I definitely stood out in the class
as the only student to ask the Aide to the First Lady (She was also a
high-level judge) what (the Judge/First Lady's) stand was on abortion and how she would
deal with cases to repeal Roe v. Wade. (I was also very ignorant
about how the real world worked. I spouted what I was taught with
passion and sincerity.) I was the only one who knew what an “ex-post
facto” law was and my team won the Constitution Game because of my
knowledge of the Constitution. (Literally, a staffer had to help the
other two branches because Congress blew them out of the water.)
(Both years!)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVmR2qT5fUs4YziMxizsKheS2OxFmhtZyZ0_NAyo7fIdh35R-tzshJw_UNGPR6Il9nsiJzt0fL0PCTY-FeLLVDzB1AjRzM7C92gscfe-2jKyoaytLKAa5JCO4OVXMRqE_PGyx9lKxsf58/s1600/DSC04936.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVmR2qT5fUs4YziMxizsKheS2OxFmhtZyZ0_NAyo7fIdh35R-tzshJw_UNGPR6Il9nsiJzt0fL0PCTY-FeLLVDzB1AjRzM7C92gscfe-2jKyoaytLKAa5JCO4OVXMRqE_PGyx9lKxsf58/s320/DSC04936.JPG" width="320" /></a>And, when I went and visited the 3<sup>rd</sup>
year (I was unable to attend due to financial constraints –and more
on that later) the whole alumni class asked that I be allowed to
participate on their team. Their requests were turned down by the less-than-amused staffers.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I was completely gung-ho about
TeenPact after my experience. I was effusive in my praise and I
thought it was the best thing I had ever experienced and I wanted to
attend ALL their other offerings.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Unfortunately, TeenPact is a rich,
middle class thing. <b>You pay your own way for everything.</b> And
“everything” is not cheap. You get an experience, the
opportunity to meet friends, meals, and a T-Shirt. Often the events
are far away and even staffers have to pay their own transportation.
Housing is an extra cost on top of the $200-$300 event. (Unless it it
its own event, like Endeavor or National Convention, which raised the
price tag to $400 or more.)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9F0Yu8ilGNqlIRy5AaSe7CeZmoMcfAGRWTguzqv-s9cajvctvuqM4h5mtAVJzIZRMDWxYM98H-grPlckq-fSoAKGg_UqQD5_BdP91fvQO1jOtbPhC-ZTtNyTBdY3lAy6mWh7UPU7n2Gw/s1600/DSC07967.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9F0Yu8ilGNqlIRy5AaSe7CeZmoMcfAGRWTguzqv-s9cajvctvuqM4h5mtAVJzIZRMDWxYM98H-grPlckq-fSoAKGg_UqQD5_BdP91fvQO1jOtbPhC-ZTtNyTBdY3lAy6mWh7UPU7n2Gw/s200/DSC07967.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The first year I was in TeenPact I
won a scholarship to go to National Convention and found a
last-minute ride from Maryland. It was a 750-1000 word essay on
<i><span style="font-weight: normal;">“</span></i><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><i>What
Does it Mean to Be a Conservative.”</i> Reading over it now it is a
huge mess of right-wing idealism, including a rant about government
distribution of wealth. Back then, I was so excited that I could hardly contain
myself.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
spent the week in a mix of pride, boredom, and frustrated anger.
There was an obvious problem with popularity. The kids who had
staffed multiple places had a huge edge over people who had staffed
only their home state or not staffed at all. Their actual
personalities were often sickening, but they still received the most
votes and applause (or the <a href="http://kieryking.com/2013/05/teenpact-and-me/" target="_blank">elections were rigged</a> in their favor). While there is a lot of discipleship and depth
in the core groups, a lot of the event was fluffy and I was bored by
the big speeches, only broken by the funny skits and attempts at
making me play <b>“The Game”</b> (you just lost). Huge promotion of the
Ultimate Frisbee tournaments annoyed me, as I was never that in to
sports, and all attempts I made at throwing Frisbees resulted in
everyone laughing and pointing. I would spend the afternoon
wandering the camp looking for people in my group who might not be
already with their cliques and might want to do something with me
than gawk at Adam whats-his-name in a pink shirt playing with "The
Bojangles."</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Because
it was the first year that my state had ever had a TeenPact class, I
was the only one from my state in attendance. I made a laughable
attempt at running for Congress (and was one of the few late entries
who actually paid my $10, to my knowledge). My contribution to much talked about and poorly attended silent
auction was a necklace set that I hand-made. It was made fun of for
not having a more political or state relevance. (I think, I hid and
refused to tell them that I made it)</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
only other person I found who was really a “kindred spirit” was a
guy, and as I was not “allowed” to crush on him or spend any time
with him without someone else there (I didn’t know anyone except
staffers, and I followed the rules that I saw many of the “regulars”
breaking) we never really got to know each other very well.
Interestingly enough, he is the only one of any of them that I still
keep in Facebook contact. And, through him I got to know a couple who
are now some of my good friends. </span></b>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzx9T3Bx0HyxYyFWN8OVxiv72vbrPN5CL8k3fOdpJiW78r_n_MkfLMJm-pW8SjXXnR0eSBSShYnFXNrSuhOVRsVj33_X67SkYGYNrPrxL-eZlxCqjSyS95YnV0Cl6jMz6Rl9Ae9tCpXSo/s1600/DSC00126.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzx9T3Bx0HyxYyFWN8OVxiv72vbrPN5CL8k3fOdpJiW78r_n_MkfLMJm-pW8SjXXnR0eSBSShYnFXNrSuhOVRsVj33_X67SkYGYNrPrxL-eZlxCqjSyS95YnV0Cl6jMz6Rl9Ae9tCpXSo/s200/DSC00126.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHpNzyp_JCW4avKPm1qpjFDUWFx6377LOZrB8hAopH9qaC25t1z0bj1oKJxHBibI8w0KxDnclarsS7LAGnxkGUggER-8MypxRVRJzG569DQAsxXdc6MVZJv-iJBpvxohJG5cbGpRwQK0/s1600/DSC00365.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHpNzyp_JCW4avKPm1qpjFDUWFx6377LOZrB8hAopH9qaC25t1z0bj1oKJxHBibI8w0KxDnclarsS7LAGnxkGUggER-8MypxRVRJzG569DQAsxXdc6MVZJv-iJBpvxohJG5cbGpRwQK0/s200/DSC00365.JPG" width="150" /></a><b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
came home from National Convention tired emotionally. I felt
suddenly like TeenPact was not the marvelous place I had once thought
it to be. I felt left out and unwanted by the very group I would
have given my talents to willingly and eagerly. Unable to afford any
other event that year, I began saving what little money I had in
order to attend the State Class next year. I also applied to Staff,
but I was turned down, which I almost expected. After all, I had
spoken up and contradicted a staffer and made myself stick out. I
paid for my alumni class all by myself, as my quiverfull father did
not have the funds to spend on me for a second year. This is notable
in that I <i>was not allowed a job</i> and made this money over the course of a
year of saving odds and ends that came my way from neighborhood cleaning or babysitting jobs or from
family members. I had no way to MAKE money, so spending that much
meant a lot to me.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
aced the alumni class, again proving to have put the most into the
assignments and again leading my branch to victory in the
Constitution Search. (When teams were picked everyone asked to
switch to my team.) I made an effort to work my hardest and to not
cause any issues. I was trying to prove myself as a competent person
who was a good candidate to staff her own state. I was also at the
upper age limit and I knew that this would be my last class.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
wanted to attend Endeavor that year, but I was not able to make
enough money and instead looked at the perfectly lit pictures of the
other girls having a High Tea and shooting guns in a field thinking
about how nice it would be to be able to have that kind of an
experience. But their middle class families could </span></b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">afford the airfare
or gas, the dresses, the makeup, the scones and high teas, and the
price of the event. My father made about $40,000 a year for a family of
11.</span></b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></b><br />
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4m0HxVSzKIG-49E42CAAuwiK3PrWwdXz-M_z3SFZQ3G4BENtaVO-RHfyWUfhBVVhLCWLRM7Vr09_1lYjyQqvKf9BjJvjhxQU4bzL8I5i4Y4MGozHjp2mx7YKFEofVCrviqzqV-Ljdexc/s1600/DSC00595.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4m0HxVSzKIG-49E42CAAuwiK3PrWwdXz-M_z3SFZQ3G4BENtaVO-RHfyWUfhBVVhLCWLRM7Vr09_1lYjyQqvKf9BjJvjhxQU4bzL8I5i4Y4MGozHjp2mx7YKFEofVCrviqzqV-Ljdexc/s200/DSC00595.JPG" width="200" /></a></span></b></div>
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdYj55zIL2DgWuyJeLkVsegdzDKaAqSzCoGoX521fi-aJoVhfnEBXyz8m21w3x9lMy9vcGkjk9PTt9cZ8QLvkddoSm6tzQKH1WCHRW8J13WeS16_lPpS31vsMlbNCJ_J0fOY8LIrfdl7E/s1600/DSC04956.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdYj55zIL2DgWuyJeLkVsegdzDKaAqSzCoGoX521fi-aJoVhfnEBXyz8m21w3x9lMy9vcGkjk9PTt9cZ8QLvkddoSm6tzQKH1WCHRW8J13WeS16_lPpS31vsMlbNCJ_J0fOY8LIrfdl7E/s200/DSC04956.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
last year I spent in my home state I applied again to be a staffer
and I was turned down again. One of my fellow classmates was
accepted, though, as he had gone to National Convention and Survival.
He also said that one of that year's staffers had pushed really hard
for him. It figures, the staffer I had interrupted my first class was now an Intern
(albeit he never came back to my state).</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Now,
over 5 years later, I look back on it all with a sigh and a shake of
my head. I was <i>young and passionate</i>.<i> I had a lot to give and they
turned it down.</i> But in the end, I was the one better off for it. I
left that state and have since been able to mediate my passion with
real knowledge of the world and the incredible amount of variety and
complexity in it. I no longer have “pat” answers to everything
and I think I am all the better for it. I also refuse to accept
their misogynistic belittling of women. I believe I have the right
to wear a pair of dress pants instead of being relegated to a skirt.
I think that I have just as much ability and knowledge as any male,
as they refused to allow women to be an Intern for more than one
year. Men could do it for two years and then if they excelled, they
could go on to be a program director and have their own gavel made
for them. I acknowledge that I could definitely be a Mayor or a
President, which position they never elected a woman into. It was an
interesting coincidence, if it really WAS a coincidence.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCLonZi3fhfpuU2zr-Uao4Lwm48p3boVcu0i_U9wRTSPTsQbFWjp9YRUhNBD55HAoEYu9uyYnUu9Uv86tgMJJwUIi2eJEkXoNhUAxtf7JhSB9QdUzvemc3dm0nvuQycuuLTqj6aDJXE4/s1600/DSC00326.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCLonZi3fhfpuU2zr-Uao4Lwm48p3boVcu0i_U9wRTSPTsQbFWjp9YRUhNBD55HAoEYu9uyYnUu9Uv86tgMJJwUIi2eJEkXoNhUAxtf7JhSB9QdUzvemc3dm0nvuQycuuLTqj6aDJXE4/s200/DSC00326.JPG" width="200" /></a><b class="western"> </b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
refuse to think of myself less because I did not have the money that
the “TeenPact Families” (ie. the blue bloods) had to host events
and send their kids to staff 5 states and run expensive presidential
campaigns with the paraphernalia, candy, and free T-shirts.</span></b><b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></b><br />
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b class="western"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I
have saved only my first state class t-shirt with all the names on
it. The names are mostly faded and can hardly be seen. I have
de-friended most of the Interns (or been de-friended) and have since
hidden most of my TeenPact pictures and videos. It is a chapter in
my life that I do not regret, but do not like to announce. I prefer
that no one remember me or pick me out as one of them. I regret
being so conservative and blind. I do not regret getting away and
changing.<br />And I hope that people who read this think twice about
endorsing a misogynistic group that exists for the wealthy middle
class republicans to indoctrinate their children. They also get together groups of students to do grunt work for HSLDA. <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/05/where-we-are-on-hslda-homeschooling-and-child-abuse.html" target="_blank">Read about that scandalous mess here</a>.</span></b></div>
Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-39068942137103730822013-03-11T17:57:00.001-04:002013-03-11T17:57:39.835-04:00MiscellaneousI found a new job through the college website and began training last week.<br />
Its at a 24h/7days a week emergency pet hospital. I do front desk work like admitting patients, taking payments, filing, faxing and printing files, cleaning, and all the cleaning and maintenance on the lobby.<br />
It is very demanding and they hold a high standard, which I like because I feel like they appreciate me more for trying hard and they hold themselves to the same standards and goals.<br />I have a head start with a basic knowledge of medical terms and prefixes and suffixes. I learned on Friday night/Saturday morning how to read nursing sheets and I am starting to identify medicines and diagnoses.<br />
<br />
The only hard part is that I come in to work at 2am and work until midday. When I have a couple days back-to-back I get home and sleep until 9sh and then have a couple hours in the evening. It doesnt leave me much time for schoolwork, but thankfully this week is spring break and I have a couple days to get used to the new grind.<br />
School and work is going to be a doozy until I can conquer the new learning curve. I also found out that the schoolbook I bought for one class may be an older edition and does not have the new information for me to take a test on. I wrote the professor and asked what my options where (getting a copy of the material, getting tested on a different section) but I really dont want to buy a new book for one last module.<br />
I havent been feeling 100% either most probably due to the stress of getting fired, the emotions and struggles of finding a new job, applying and getting turned down, finally getting a job and then the learning curve and push to do 110% even on your first day.... besides tests and grade worries and just the battle of everyday life struggling to find motivation for every day.<br />
<br />I swear, sometimes it just a victory to force myself up in the mornings!<br />
But each small victory and all the little steps are what make the victories and the achievements, right?<br />
<br />
One of the really good parts is I get to see, spend time with, and pet animals all day. Mostly dogs, because cats are a lot more skittish in the ER and hospital situation and need caging. Dogs are usually a little more confident (or overconfident) and are alright on a leash out in the treatment area.<br />Why, just last night there was this Great Dane that was almost 4 feet tall and probably weighed around 70lbs. I spent a bit of time talking to her and petting her and calling her "horsey". Right across to the next treatment area (about 6 feet) was this small Chihuahua (about 1.5 kiloes and not more than 8 inches tall at the most) shivering and waiting for his the test results. On any busy day there will be euthanasia and pets bleeding all over the waiting room and the receptionist rushing around from one emergency to the next trying to damage control and keep people happy and clean and complete paperwork and protocol duties all at the same time.<br />What can I say? I wont ever get bored, I wont ever run out of work, I wont ever be fired for lack of emergencies, and my job is really something that is necessary. Comforting and reassuring frightened parents/owners and greasing the wheels of the operation. I think I will be very happy where I am.....<br /><br />
<br />
...once I get my sleep schedule ironed out!! Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-48027880493699659622013-02-27T14:03:00.000-05:002013-02-27T14:03:11.078-05:00Link to a post about PTSD WARNING: This May Trigger You.<br /><br /><a href="https://becomingworldly.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/ptsd-and-what-happens-in-it/" target="_blank">This amazing post about PTSD</a> is very long and has a lot of "meat" in it. I found myself agreeing (sadly, almost) to all of it. Some poignant quotes below, some things I have felt but have not had the words to express. <br />She is a fellow survivor with the voice that I do not have.<br />
<br />
<b><i>I don’t want people to see me or hear me this way and I don’t want to
have to fake that this is not how I’m feeling. (I can fake it pretty
good, by the way, it’s just exhausting to do so.) How would I explain
“I’m having a bad day because of the ghosts of the past?” </i></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<i><b> </b>I have a problem with “auto-insubordination,” while it’s happening, in
that I just don’t listen to my own self telling me what to do. I give
myself responsible directions and I don’t take them. I don’t take care
of myself when I feel like this. (I figure this part of the emotional
flashback might be about somehow “recreating” the conditions I lived in
as a kid) If I can, I stay home in pajamas, don’t brush my teeth, don’t
make myself breakfast or lunch. If I can’t, I go where I have to go. I
watch the clock. I waste the day. I can’t concentrate on tasks. I
accomplish little. I don’t feel hungry. I just get a headache from not
eating and then go eat something with carbs or dairy in it, preferably
both.</i><br />
<br />
Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-16410709164051847872013-02-24T22:39:00.002-05:002013-02-24T22:39:45.546-05:00AnewI am on the edge of accepting a job.<br />
I found a really awesome Customer Service position at an Emergency Veterinary hospital.<br />
It is very interesting because I would not only be answering phone lines and taking payments, but I would be admitting patients and checking them out like in a hospital. And, not any kind of patients, but animals. Dogs and Cats whom I love.<br />
I spent 4 hours there yesterday seeing a cat being euthanized because it had fluid in its lungs and wasnt able to breathe on its own any more. I saw an old hound dog with a protrusion out its side bleeding on the floor, biting its owner who tired to wipe the hole. I saw owners in tears and owners happily reunited with their pets after being assured that they had stopped having seizures. <br />
<br />
I loved it, and I know I would thrive there.<br />
I am just all torn up inside about actually taking a job and going out on my own like this.<br />
I initially accepted my first ever job out of sheer necessity: They were the only ones to actually want to hire me.<br />
I have never had to make the decision on my own to move forward or not based on my wants.<br />
It is overwhelming, and upsetting, and exhilarating, and mind-bending, and scary, and wonderful, and a new step for me, and a giant cliff that I have just decided to jump off.<br />
<br />
Who knows?!?!<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll get my Associate in Business Administration and then become a Certified Veterinary Technician like I wanted to be as a little girl. Maybe, could be.... anything.<br />
Its all an open door to me.<br />
And that is life anew.<br />
<br />Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937923420666976376.post-7019024196379032722012-11-25T07:58:00.002-05:002012-11-25T07:58:37.543-05:00Bit More Backstory:My essay has almost <a href="http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v3/essay64934-Charlotte-NC.aspx" target="_blank">6,000 votes</a> and I am awed and flabbergasted.<br />
I never expected that many people to know, or care, or want to help a stranger.<br />
<br />
My past is a hard onion to unpeel. <br />
I was never outright denied and education, and I was never told I could never attend college.<br />
But imagine being told day after day about how terrible public school is, and horror stories from your mother about her drunk and horny history teacher? How would you feel about going to school then?<br />
Or imagine reading multiple 'horror stories' about godly young people who were pulled astray while at secular and even some more liberal Christian Colleges? (and my parents would also call that an oxymoron)<br />
<br />
Imagine <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi8kYcl2Y38" target="_blank">Mother Gothel's</a> overly syrupy tone 'encouraging you' to always take a separate path from the world? Telling you that you dont need a "scrap of paper" to tell people you are intelligent, well read, and have knowledge?<br />
<br />
Yeah, that is the line I had to commit to memory. "College is REALLY expensive. And then, after spending around a quarter of a million dollars (yeah, that was the estimate I was told most often) and four to six years in a building, you get a piece of paper that tells the rest of the world you know something and can be hired."<br />
(add a part about 4-year degrees taking about 5 or 6 years to complete being the average due to changing of majors, laziness in taking classes & failing, etc if you want to...)<br />
"Why would you EVER want to do that? I can go out there and buy any book I want. I can even get most of them from the Library. Do I want to be a Botanist? Get books out of the library and memorize plant's latin names. Then plant and run a garden for a couple years. Do I want to know everything about the Revolutionary War? Again, read all the books you can find. Go and visit key battlegrounds and cities where events took place. By all means, learn and study and get and education! But NOT at a college. We can render them obsolete."<br />
And this last one was a nice bundle of issues: "Fine, if you want a college degree, you can get an English degree at the local community college. CLEP out of as much as you can, and only go in for one or two semesters (CollegePlus was always suggested). Then, when the government takes away our right to homeschool you can file as a teacher and have your own school with your kids in it, and any unfortunate other homeschoolers who did not prepare their daughters in this way."<br />
<br />
<br />
Now, one thing I can claim is that I did have an exemplary homeschooled education. My mother had a college degree and she spent long hours making lesson plans and working out classes for us. We were required to have 80% mastery of anything we were tested on. If you did not, you would go back and study, do full corrections until you got everything right, and then re-take the test.<br />This applied for Math, the sciences, any written or oral tests she made up for history, and any English tests we came upon. We did Saxon Math, so it was fairly easy to grade those by percent and have us re-do lessons. Failing a test meant going back over all the practice of the lessons the test covered and re-taking the test. In Wile Science, we re-did modules and the Quarterlies (I failed Chemistry a couple times) were made to re-do all the modules double-time. (because we should have most of the information memorized)<br />
I didnt fail much in English, but the essays were not given a percent. Unless they had so much red that it was hard to see the essay, we didnt re-write those very much.<br />
I loved reading and did a lot of that once I hit puberty and became embarrassed about my size. Sitting on the couch curled up was a safe place for me where no one could see my hairy underarms (I wasnt allowed to shave for a while) or tease me for my curves.<br />
I am a fast learner, my family calling me the one with the "mind like a steel trap." I love History and I do well in English and writing. <br />
<br />
My younger siblings are not receiving the education I did, because there are more little kids to care for, because we older siblings arent around to take care of a lot of the house duties and because my mother is much older and much more worn down than she was teaching the 'first round.'<br />
Also, I am seeing significant (sometimes purposeful) gaps in her current methods of teaching now that I am out in the world and finding out how reality differs from the family bubble...<br />
<br />
To Be Continued.....Daughter of a Heavenly Fatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627689633538175248noreply@blogger.com0