Everyone has been talking about Doug Phillips Resignation and the hidden non-resignation he is not doing.
As a daughter of patriarchy, quiverfull, and with a father who had a "collection" of VF lectures on CD, for whom we bought the "200-year plan" for fathers day, who forced us to read So Much More, and Return of the Daughters at least 5 times the month it came out.... I think I have a valid perspective on the "ministering" that DP and VF have been doing for the past decade.
I have gotten cheated on and I have cheated in relationships. I was never in a "forever" marriage like DP is in (no divorce, according to their interpretation). I have seen cheating tear apart my own family. I also have yet to see my cheating parent truly repent and attempt to earn back my respect. My grandparents even have cheating in their legacy. "I come from a long line of cheaters..." (to hijack the country song).
My assumptions on this DP/VF ministries debacle is both personal (from experience) and from what I have know about the ministry.
First of all: he is still making money off of the poisonous teaching he has been peddling for decades. That in and of itself negates his "repentance" in my mind.
Second, his insistence on his families forgiveness and his new dedication to being at home with them sickens me. My parent's cheating lost us our whole way of life. The family moved far away, in less than two months after the revealing of the 3+ years of "romantic and emotional" and who-knows-what-else carryings (just made that word up) on. I, too, was forced to "forgive." Then I was forced to respect and honor my parents as if nothing had ever happened. That is not only a false repentance, but a cruel and evil demand for forgiveness and an abuse of us children's emotions, hearts, and minds. I am assuming that the Phillips children are facing this exact situation right now. I'll bet they have no choice, not being allowed higher education, moving out, or independence of thought. Heck, some of them might even be "willingly" and "eagerly" forgiving. Stockholm Syndrome at its deepest level. I know, I was there for a while as well. But somehow, despite the crippling and suicidal depression I found myself in (results of cognitive dissonance and abuse, I am sure), I was able to realize that my parent demanding respect and honor without real change in attitude, behavior, or intent, was wrong on some level.
I credit this realization with my eventual escape from the chains of brainwashing and mental abuse. Somehow I was able to realize that this was WRONG and that my parent was not an ounce regretful. I also realized that after 3+ years (and by their own admission) they would not have ever ended the relationship unless the other parent had called them out publicly. They had no intention of ceasing this "sinful" behavior. They in fact derided the other spouse for calling them out.
For these reasons, I feel more grace and forgiveness towards the children of the Phillips family that for the father. For the mother I have feelings going both ways. She allowed this to go on for a "lengthy" time and will probably not divorce him, because of her commitment to the abuseful (made that up too) doctrine that he teaches. The children will still be stuck in his fenced (think the Berlin Wall) in circle of influence and unable to really process this tremendous admission of personal failure.
Weathr or not he is being entirely truthful about the lack of PIV, (seeing how truthful he is being about stepping down from his position as "minister," and how truthful he has been to his circle while this affair has been going on.... he has two strikes) we have yet to see.
I sincerely hope the whole truth will come out.
A man of his religious rockstar nature does not fall easily. This huge admission must have been forced or threatened. He is doing preliminary damage control and probably attempting to use his weight before it disappears.
In all of this I sigh, shake my head, rub my eyes, and say "it has all happened before."
I am not surprised, but then at the same time I didnt see something this huge as the reason his legacy would be tarnished. I have a lot to say, but I think this about all I should say.
My patriarch-Vision-Forum parents played this play out before my own eyes. I hate to see it happening to others.
November 2, 2013
Looking Ahead: Holidays
Holidays are always a difficult time for me, personally.
Everyone is talking about "family" and I have absolutely nothing that is not negative, cynical, or bitter to respond with. I have one really awesome family member (my sister) and she is treated similarly.
I have not been able to communicate with anyone but my mother for the longest time. Of course, communicating with my father is something I would rather have another pap smear than do.
The other kids chose to believe the parents or are too young. Attempts to get the only other one who got a GED one into community college or trade school have been somewhat successful.
"Family" hurts me. The word, the concept, the idea. I never understood Dobson's insistence on family meals. By the time all the kids got served the boys were done with firsts and asking for seconds. With strictly rationed meat portions, they filled up with veggies and rice. Some of the younger kids had to be fed by older kids and communicating in front of parents was so fake it was painful. "What did you do today" has no meaning when one has not left the house in a week and everyone else in the house has been there all week as well. Hearing my father talk was something we just had to put up with living with. (grammar-less much?)
The idea of a family get-together never held much appeal because of the awkwardness. My father was openly spiteful about and to his mother-in-law. He argued with his own parents a lot and the two sets of grandparents were so different in personality and style that having them together was always strained.
Having them apart was always fun. They would play games and provide some break in routine. And, my grandfather allowed us to have all the condiments we wanted when he was supervising mealtimes. yay!
But most of all, family hurts because my children were torn from me. I was not able to stay and care for them. I was not able to take them with me. I am not able to see or speak to them. I raised them for about ten years each and then they were gone. I cannot fathom the lies they hear about me on a daily basis.
Family hurts because when I look into the future I dont have a model for how I want to be. I dont have anything to look forward too.
And the holidays hurt because people naturally assume that you go see relatives and family and have fun and enjoy. Well, being that my family refuses to celebrate "pagan" holidays they wont be celebrating, and seeing them would put me in a mental state that I have no wish to be in.
Can I just say that I am looking forward to partaking again in mental-health visits when I get healthcare next year? Thanks, Congress and Romney and Obama! My mental health was always a worry to me. But I have the feeling that maybe a better brain will be my present all next year. And maybe the 2014 holidays wont be so painful?
Everyone is talking about "family" and I have absolutely nothing that is not negative, cynical, or bitter to respond with. I have one really awesome family member (my sister) and she is treated similarly.
I have not been able to communicate with anyone but my mother for the longest time. Of course, communicating with my father is something I would rather have another pap smear than do.
The other kids chose to believe the parents or are too young. Attempts to get the only other one who got a GED one into community college or trade school have been somewhat successful.
"Family" hurts me. The word, the concept, the idea. I never understood Dobson's insistence on family meals. By the time all the kids got served the boys were done with firsts and asking for seconds. With strictly rationed meat portions, they filled up with veggies and rice. Some of the younger kids had to be fed by older kids and communicating in front of parents was so fake it was painful. "What did you do today" has no meaning when one has not left the house in a week and everyone else in the house has been there all week as well. Hearing my father talk was something we just had to put up with living with. (grammar-less much?)
The idea of a family get-together never held much appeal because of the awkwardness. My father was openly spiteful about and to his mother-in-law. He argued with his own parents a lot and the two sets of grandparents were so different in personality and style that having them together was always strained.
Having them apart was always fun. They would play games and provide some break in routine. And, my grandfather allowed us to have all the condiments we wanted when he was supervising mealtimes. yay!
But most of all, family hurts because my children were torn from me. I was not able to stay and care for them. I was not able to take them with me. I am not able to see or speak to them. I raised them for about ten years each and then they were gone. I cannot fathom the lies they hear about me on a daily basis.
Family hurts because when I look into the future I dont have a model for how I want to be. I dont have anything to look forward too.
And the holidays hurt because people naturally assume that you go see relatives and family and have fun and enjoy. Well, being that my family refuses to celebrate "pagan" holidays they wont be celebrating, and seeing them would put me in a mental state that I have no wish to be in.
Can I just say that I am looking forward to partaking again in mental-health visits when I get healthcare next year? Thanks, Congress and Romney and Obama! My mental health was always a worry to me. But I have the feeling that maybe a better brain will be my present all next year. And maybe the 2014 holidays wont be so painful?
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