I dont understand.
It all comes down to those three words.
I did something today that was bold and unprecedented. It was something I had thought about doing but never dared do. Today I did it and it left me crying, curled up on the floor, and shaking all over.
It really challenged my view of authority and while it was good for me it was very very hard for me.
And then I found myself once more barraged by my past.
I dont really talk about God much any more because I dont understand. On one hand I feel guilt for how I am acting spiritually, but on the other hand, doing what I think I might should be doing out of guilt is a WRONG reason to do what I might should be doing.
The scriptures say to test God. To try Him. To taste and see.
The scriptures say not to test God and not to doubt and not to quench the Holy Spirit.
Which is it? I am by no means closed. I have in the past begged him for something to help me and I feel as yet alone and un-assisted. I have rudely demanded things for other people as proof, and still, things seem to hang by the same delicate thread, same as always.
I dont understand how I can be so broken and still be loved.
I dont understand why if he cares I am left broken and still have to fight against all the wrong that was ingrained in me. I dont understand how I can be told right and left stuff that I 'should' be doing that is going to solve my issues that just doesnt. If it works for them, why not for me?
As much as I want to believe, songs of 'surrender' and 'devotion' and 'when-I-reach-my-end-you-are-there' dont move me any more. How much more removed from selfishness do I have to be? What other things do I have to lose or give up?
I just dont understand any more.
I have tried. I am getting tired of trying. I want to know and to be able to be satisfied.
I want to stop crying and have 'peace' or whatever it is. How much more do I have to want it before he noticed?
January 26, 2012
January 25, 2012
Health
Last year I tried not to get sick and worked a lot and saved up a small sum of money.
This year, I am spending it all.
Ok, well, I actually found out that I cant spend it all. I am a very skinflinty skinflint and I get grouchy and moody and negative when my bank account numbers sink. I had a couple very bad days before I realized that I needed to pace myself by paychecks in order to avoid de-railing my progress.
So I have been taking care of myself.
I went for a complete physical, to the dentist, and to the eye doctor. I am also trying to go to the Chiropractor at least twice a month because my back is pretty messed up. I even went to the Dermatologist to get my "sressne" treated.
It is like setting myself up for a big mind-trip. I feel scared, but happy, and like an adult and a kid at the same time. It is my first time going without a parent along anywhere (except to pick up glasses once) and I am the one setting up the appointments, marking them on the calender, going, making the decisions, paying and working on follow-up. I am the one having to floss. I am the one making myself take a pill in the morning and evening. It is a lot all of the sudden.
Growing up, doctors were not necessarily evil. I remember my best present was a sphygmomanometer and a stethoscope. I learned how to take blood pressure and pulse and count respirations and I even studied a nursing textbook for a school subject. We went for certain shots/immunizations that my mom thought were necessary, and I had frequent ear infections so I went more often than the occasional big accident that needed stitches.
When our family came to America, doctor's visits suddenly became a huge expense that was difficult to justify. When another baby brought all the under-age children under state health care we went to the dentist and got all our cavities taken care of and got cleanings every 6 months. When we needed a 'physical' for a driving test we went with a parent present. When anything big happened we went, but never for 'trivial' stuff.
And so all this feels a bit much to me. Like an un-needed expense.
When I told my mom I had a doctor's appointment she asked how sick I was. When I said it was just a physical and wellness exam she asked if it was for a job. You dont "just go" to the doctor. There has to be a reason!
But that is my goal for this year. To take care of myself.
I put two papers on the edges of my mirror reminding myself of that.
My health is important. My emotional health is important. My skin's health is important.
My only 'new-year's-resolution' was to take care of myself and to wear perfume every day.
I havent worn it EVERY day, but I have remembered a large majority of the time.
See, what are you saving all those bottles for, anyway? What day will you need a huge bottle of perfume for?
Use it up! You are worth it!
This year, I am spending it all.
Ok, well, I actually found out that I cant spend it all. I am a very skinflinty skinflint and I get grouchy and moody and negative when my bank account numbers sink. I had a couple very bad days before I realized that I needed to pace myself by paychecks in order to avoid de-railing my progress.
So I have been taking care of myself.
I went for a complete physical, to the dentist, and to the eye doctor. I am also trying to go to the Chiropractor at least twice a month because my back is pretty messed up. I even went to the Dermatologist to get my "sressne" treated.
It is like setting myself up for a big mind-trip. I feel scared, but happy, and like an adult and a kid at the same time. It is my first time going without a parent along anywhere (except to pick up glasses once) and I am the one setting up the appointments, marking them on the calender, going, making the decisions, paying and working on follow-up. I am the one having to floss. I am the one making myself take a pill in the morning and evening. It is a lot all of the sudden.
Growing up, doctors were not necessarily evil. I remember my best present was a sphygmomanometer and a stethoscope. I learned how to take blood pressure and pulse and count respirations and I even studied a nursing textbook for a school subject. We went for certain shots/immunizations that my mom thought were necessary, and I had frequent ear infections so I went more often than the occasional big accident that needed stitches.
When our family came to America, doctor's visits suddenly became a huge expense that was difficult to justify. When another baby brought all the under-age children under state health care we went to the dentist and got all our cavities taken care of and got cleanings every 6 months. When we needed a 'physical' for a driving test we went with a parent present. When anything big happened we went, but never for 'trivial' stuff.
And so all this feels a bit much to me. Like an un-needed expense.
When I told my mom I had a doctor's appointment she asked how sick I was. When I said it was just a physical and wellness exam she asked if it was for a job. You dont "just go" to the doctor. There has to be a reason!
But that is my goal for this year. To take care of myself.
I put two papers on the edges of my mirror reminding myself of that.
My health is important. My emotional health is important. My skin's health is important.
My only 'new-year's-resolution' was to take care of myself and to wear perfume every day.
I havent worn it EVERY day, but I have remembered a large majority of the time.
See, what are you saving all those bottles for, anyway? What day will you need a huge bottle of perfume for?
Use it up! You are worth it!
January 20, 2012
Terminology
Last night I was having a conversation with my older brother on the phone. Among the subjects we discussed, we came to talking about isolating an elementary school child for kissing another child of the same gender. It was a real-situation that was told me by someone he introduced me to.
I called the actions taken stigmatizing. He called it protecting the child who was kissed who did not welcome the attention. While I was explaining my side he said: "So are you pro-gay now?" in a negative tone of voice.
I dont remember exactly what I responded, but I didnt deny the allegation and then later when I was typing someone as naively conservative in a make-shift world where they impose their worldview on their limited sphere he got upset and called me a "liberal."
I laughed. It didnt freeze me with fear or cause me to fall on the floor and cry convulsively. In fact, it meant nothing. I told him: "Well, you are welcome to think that but...." and continued with my line of thought.
In other circles this word is a "dirty" word. A mudslinging word that makes the other person rise up in righteous self-defense of their clear history of conservatism/whatever your antithesis may be.
I think his goal in doing that was to frighten me with "how far I have strayed" and to shepherd me back to the straight and narrow. In fact, he did complain about the "person I was living with" affecting me and he didn't know if it was "too late." To which I responded "Yes, heaven forbid I make any choices of my own. I am sure it was all (the people I live with) holding midnight seances in the dungeons..."
The fact is, brother, that my living situation is only part of what is affecting me. I work full time and I have held 3 jobs at the same time (worked all 3 in one day, once) and another one with a crazy lady that I no longer work for. I go to bars every now and then, I watch a LOT of news and sarcastic daily commentators, and I am very active on the internet. I read and think and reason and debate even myself on a daily basis.
I made these decisions myself.
The people I live with hold different views from me on a couple issues. When these topics come up I just don't argue because we have argued once or twice and we have agreed to disagree. And the fact is that I haven't made up my mind on a couple other issues and have set them aside to be resolved in the future.
Some things I feel strongly about, and I made these decisions on my own, with input from many sides, which I assure you, my upbringing and your views (also our father's views) featured strongly.
I cannot get away from my past. Who he trained us to be is strong within me. I fight it often. Every day, multiple times a day. Some battles I have won. I go to work and revel in it, because I love work and the people I work with and the atmosphere and I don't feel any twinge of guilt to be working and supporting myself and independent.
On some things, I still fight. Some I dont know if I will ever win. But all that aside, know that what I have put away of my childhood indoctrination I did not part with lightly. "Battle" and "fight" are not just metaphors. Living is a daily discovery of new challenges and issues that must be resolved for my own well-being.
The fact is that so many things he taught or envisioned just dont work out here. And facing the out-here reality has changed me more than any one person ever will.
And ps: your arbitrary designation of terminology did not intimidate me.
Here is a toast to living and living anew.
Live loved.
I called the actions taken stigmatizing. He called it protecting the child who was kissed who did not welcome the attention. While I was explaining my side he said: "So are you pro-gay now?" in a negative tone of voice.
I dont remember exactly what I responded, but I didnt deny the allegation and then later when I was typing someone as naively conservative in a make-shift world where they impose their worldview on their limited sphere he got upset and called me a "liberal."
I laughed. It didnt freeze me with fear or cause me to fall on the floor and cry convulsively. In fact, it meant nothing. I told him: "Well, you are welcome to think that but...." and continued with my line of thought.
In other circles this word is a "dirty" word. A mudslinging word that makes the other person rise up in righteous self-defense of their clear history of conservatism/whatever your antithesis may be.
I think his goal in doing that was to frighten me with "how far I have strayed" and to shepherd me back to the straight and narrow. In fact, he did complain about the "person I was living with" affecting me and he didn't know if it was "too late." To which I responded "Yes, heaven forbid I make any choices of my own. I am sure it was all (the people I live with) holding midnight seances in the dungeons..."
The fact is, brother, that my living situation is only part of what is affecting me. I work full time and I have held 3 jobs at the same time (worked all 3 in one day, once) and another one with a crazy lady that I no longer work for. I go to bars every now and then, I watch a LOT of news and sarcastic daily commentators, and I am very active on the internet. I read and think and reason and debate even myself on a daily basis.
I made these decisions myself.
The people I live with hold different views from me on a couple issues. When these topics come up I just don't argue because we have argued once or twice and we have agreed to disagree. And the fact is that I haven't made up my mind on a couple other issues and have set them aside to be resolved in the future.
Some things I feel strongly about, and I made these decisions on my own, with input from many sides, which I assure you, my upbringing and your views (also our father's views) featured strongly.
I cannot get away from my past. Who he trained us to be is strong within me. I fight it often. Every day, multiple times a day. Some battles I have won. I go to work and revel in it, because I love work and the people I work with and the atmosphere and I don't feel any twinge of guilt to be working and supporting myself and independent.
On some things, I still fight. Some I dont know if I will ever win. But all that aside, know that what I have put away of my childhood indoctrination I did not part with lightly. "Battle" and "fight" are not just metaphors. Living is a daily discovery of new challenges and issues that must be resolved for my own well-being.
The fact is that so many things he taught or envisioned just dont work out here. And facing the out-here reality has changed me more than any one person ever will.
And ps: your arbitrary designation of terminology did not intimidate me.
Here is a toast to living and living anew.
Live loved.
January 7, 2012
(untitled)
This post may be revolting to some of you because of the influences that brought me to do something this revolutionary/ridiculous/stupid/good/progressive/pickyourownanswer.
The other day I finished up a long day at work (piled on the tail of a lot of previous long days and holiday stress and issues with people) when a friend (from work) invited me to go out with him and some other people from work. I drove to the place (ok it was a bar) and found out that I had left my wallet (and hence my money and ID) at home.
I was tired and morose and pretty upset by everything, so I told them that I was going to just go home. They made a big fuss about buying me a beer and not needing any ID. And they did just that. My sister warned me sternly not to have more than two and I kept myself there because the second one was an IPA which I am not quite used to. It was such a good time just being with kind-hearted and accepting people in the loud and fun atmosphere of a bar. About 30 minutes after I got there another co-worker showed up.
He is an older man, quiet, with a deep bass voice and a super kind listening heart. He was relatively new so we hadnt talked much; but the other night I got to talk with him a lot.
While everyone else went outside for a smoke we shared about life and he talked about careers and his daughters and life for them. His kind father's heart really reached out to me and as we talked I really opened up. He was honest about things in his life and as we shared thoughts on religion and family values and decision-making and egalitarianism and honor and (of course) love. I showed him my mom's text and he talked a bit about parents and how things get in the way of thier love. He encouraged me a lot and reminded me of the only other father-heart I have known: Mr. M. 'Incredible'
He encouraged me to take time and to become more of who I was meant to be.
And his love and care for me (and I am sure the two beers) really calmed me down and I let go of some things.
And I texted my father:
I forgive you.
The other day I finished up a long day at work (piled on the tail of a lot of previous long days and holiday stress and issues with people) when a friend (from work) invited me to go out with him and some other people from work. I drove to the place (ok it was a bar) and found out that I had left my wallet (and hence my money and ID) at home.
I was tired and morose and pretty upset by everything, so I told them that I was going to just go home. They made a big fuss about buying me a beer and not needing any ID. And they did just that. My sister warned me sternly not to have more than two and I kept myself there because the second one was an IPA which I am not quite used to. It was such a good time just being with kind-hearted and accepting people in the loud and fun atmosphere of a bar. About 30 minutes after I got there another co-worker showed up.
He is an older man, quiet, with a deep bass voice and a super kind listening heart. He was relatively new so we hadnt talked much; but the other night I got to talk with him a lot.
While everyone else went outside for a smoke we shared about life and he talked about careers and his daughters and life for them. His kind father's heart really reached out to me and as we talked I really opened up. He was honest about things in his life and as we shared thoughts on religion and family values and decision-making and egalitarianism and honor and (of course) love. I showed him my mom's text and he talked a bit about parents and how things get in the way of thier love. He encouraged me a lot and reminded me of the only other father-heart I have known: Mr. M. 'Incredible'
He encouraged me to take time and to become more of who I was meant to be.
And his love and care for me (and I am sure the two beers) really calmed me down and I let go of some things.
And I texted my father:
I forgive you.
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