Gothard, again

You blamed me and some supposed, hidden sin in my life rather than the blatant woeful treatment I’d been receiving.
 Once again, you held me responsible for the abuses of others.
~Heather

I wrote a long letter to most of the members of my family about two weeks ago because I know that they are still keeping Gothard materials in their homes and even using them for their own "enrichment" or for teaching my siblings.

  I told them about how I got the famed "personal interview" with Got-hard and how he immediately closed down the conversation and the time when I said that our missionary family had not been able to afford to purchase and ship his homeschooling and other materials overseas.
  I told them about the second time we talked when I came to him with a special request from my mother.  Desperate for "godly" solutions to our increasing home trauma, she asked me to ask G to call and counsel my father.  As she put it, G was one of the last teachers on earth who my father respected and would listen to.

Instead of listening to me he attached the blame to me.  He said I must be bitter and had me do a writing assignment.  Then he left for a long period of time ostensibly to talk to some delegate in mexico on a "gospel-spreading mission."  When he finally deigned to come back and speak with me, he looked quickly over my pages of writing and again ordered me to asses myself on my own time, and write further because obviously the first draft was half-heartedly done and did not really reach the depths of my bitter, hardened heart.  Why else would I dare question the behavior of my father, no matter how many times I attempted to reiterate that it was my mother's request with which she entrusted me.
After both times I left his office sobbing deeply and felt not only valueless, but dirty and shamed.  How could this great "seer" (as my Journey Leader Libby called him) have possibly gotten my situation wrong?  He was the one who was the leader and I was one of the inductees.

I told them in the email about how one girl who was largely deaf, but with golden hair and big blue eyes was asked to stay.  Another girl, one of a twin, was asked to stay the last day.  Her other twin was more loud, "tomboyish" (in the most feminine sense of the word), and had darker hair and more makeup was left protesting.  She was told that she had to go home and finish school, while her mostly identical twin got showered with the honor of being asked to stay at HQ. (Her school was somehow able to be completed via distance at OakBrook)


When I contacted my mother by phone (a twice-a-year-if-that-occurrence) a week or so after, I mentioned the email to her and she voiced extreme reticence to not only believe the accusations, but to see G's horrendous teachings for what they were.  She felt that the testimonies were hearsay and few and far between and did not compromise his lectures and seminars.
  She did not discount my story, but she apologized for putting such an expectation on a 19-year old.  I told her that I felt proud to be her emissary and was deeply disappointed that I was not able to help my family.  And then I told her something that nagged at me then like a mosquito bite and was obvious to me now: I KNEW that I WAS NOT THE REASON that there were problems in our family.  Yet I was made to feel responsible because of how G acted and the very pointed things he said, almost in those exact words, that I was.

Making children responsible for the sins of their families is heresy.  In fact, it is also abusive, cruel, and harmful to the children/adults themselves.
I think this is something that has yet to be fully addressed by places that focus more on g's theology.  But I know that it has been a constant thread for those of us with family.

Gaslighting and Repression

  Just this afternoon I was told by someone who will be the main focus of this post not to talk about them on my "unhelpful" and "problematic" and "lying, attention-seeking" blog.

I had a very emotional and heart-wrenching truth-telling session with my mother over the phone last week.  I told her, honestly, things that I had felt for a long time but NEVER intended to say to her.  Brutally honest things.  Things that she definitely got defensive about but things that she also cried with me over and listened to.

One of those was self-harming behaviors by "the-one-who-shall-not-be-named."

Then, this afternoon when asking a question within the one's area of expertise, I was chastised for mentioning "them" on my blog (something I have not done) and for telling my mother about their self-harm.
I acknowledged that they and I had never had a conversation about self-harm, but that I had seen the self-harming with my own eyes in public and I had only told my mother exactly that.

They immediately professed shock at the notion of ever having done so as a younger child and when I brought up a vivid, particularly bad time, I was told in a ferocious roar that such a thing never happened.  They had no memory of that and therefore I was making up things.  They told me that I needed to stop blaming "everyone else" for my problems and that "seeing a shrink" would not help me with this chronic blame-shifting that I am apparently engaged in.

They continued in a loud voice over the phone to berate me for taking medications (a "band-aid" that would make my delusions worse) and for doing other things like talking about my story and seeking professional help.  I was crying and attempting to defend myself and suddenly I realized that I could hang up and that is what I did!!

Like my hero "Shade" says: +5 points!

It shook my self-confidence much more than I expected and left me on the side of the road sobbing for about 15 minutes.  It is one thing to praise Cynthia Jeub for voicing her story, it is another to be called a liar by people you know/knew and do/did respect.

I mentioned in a previous post how I am anonymous because of this very reason.  I dont have Cynthia's courage to face my attackers with my own name.  I write posts about them anonymously, taunting at them to find me in the chasm of the internet, daring never to come near the light.
The pain is too much for me.

I dont know if "they" have repressed these memories and called old scars "bicycle accidents" or if they really did not happen.  But I have more stories and clear memories that I would be glad to share with them and with the people who I KNOW where witnesses.  I am sure eventually someone will remember and the pieces will fall into place.
Repression and Stockholm syndrome all on one: someday I will be here for you, sweetheart.

This is How We Do

HEY Homeschooling Parents!!



Did you know that Katy Perry was the daughter of a pastor?

How do you think her father/mother raised her was any different from how you raised your kids?

(Whatever you are thinking, its probably wrong)

Her message in this catchy dance-song is that life for the new generation of young adults (that she is one of) is a lot different from other lifestyles that came before.  But this different life is normal and works for them.  Its just what they DO.


Do you remember how you raised us?

Your arrows in your quiver?

Your future warriors?

Your young Joshua generation?




Yet some of us are speaking out and you arent very happy about it.  There are closet-skeletons being laid out to air.  There are great leaders toppling left and right.  There are rugs being pulled back and all the grime under them being exposed to the light.



And the question that most parents I hear from ask is this: "Why are you chipping away at the very movement that created you?"



Because.

THIS. IS. HOW. WE. DO



We were raised to change the culture for the better.

We were raised to have loud voices against evil.

We were raised to not back down and to never stop

FIGHTING for what is right.

We were trained to not be ashamed of our youth.

We were trained to stand up to authorities without fear.

We were required to use and work with logic and truth daily.

We had to be of sound and strong mind.

We needed to go out and challenge the status quo...



At least that is what YOU TAUGHT US.



This is how we do, straight pulling down ivory

towers of the home school elite.

This is how we do, do, do, do, do

This is how we do.



Standing up for truth and openness.

Fighting against sin and hidden evil.

Exposing the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats.

Refusing to stop on our quest for change.



Because you taught us well.

And this is how we do.  Our kind of life is different, but to us, it is normal and just something we were raised to DO.