October 23, 2012

They Told Us Lies

My brain is a harsh and cruel place.  Sometimes I hate being stuck in it and with it and I would do just about anything to get away for a while, or even forever.

We were driving by a mega-church this morning, and there were little kids on a hayride driving around the borders of the expansive church property.  They were enjoying the warm fall day and waving at the people in the cars driving by with little-kid innocence and abandon.
My companion said: "Awww, look at those cute kids waving"
My Brain thought: "Its a shame, they are there because their parents attend that terrible mega-church and they are probably being indoctrinated in the newly-built mega-wing that is going to be a school."


Sometimes I blame it on my parents and the teachers they listened to and who they let teach me and my siblings.  Because THEY TOLD US LIES.
And being lied to does something to a brain and a heart and to a child's person that is hard to take back of fix or heal.
They lied to us.
They lied.

They told me that if I ever left home, and my father's umbrella of protection I would never be successful.  No one would hire me or see my good qualities and I would never make it.  I would turn out having to sell my body as a last resort and probably end up pregnant and homeless and a drug addict. 
They told me that if I learned to be "Independent" I would never be loved and no guy would want me because I would never be able to work with him or have a giving and sharing relationship.
They told me if I had sex with a guy without some kind of long-term commitment (marriage, etc) that he would use me and then abandon me when he was tired of me.
I was told that if I seek I would find.  I was told that "God" would respond to an open and desiring heart.  I was told that I would find peace at home with my family and a true calling.
I was told that pursuing higher education was pointless and a waste of money because my "highest calling"  was marrying some man I was told was a good man and having 15 of his children.
I was told that my intelligence was only for teaching kids and not for changing the world.
And I was told not to develop ME because what God wanted from me was to be the mirror of some man.


And all of that was LIES.

So now, 2 years away from all of it, and I am still fighting for my life. 
Literally, for my every day-by-day waking moment to be free and to find out the truth.
And I have to fight against my cruel instincts and my head which seems to want nothing more than to destroy all my progress so far.

But I keep fighting.
Because giving up is a lie.

October 19, 2012

Therapy Diaries

"One of your best assets is that Tenacity of yours..."

I looked up and he was smiling kindly at me.

"How would you summarize what I've been saying so far?" he asked suddenly.
He had never asked me that before.  And I tilted my head and tried to put together a cohesive sentence in the jumble of things that came up today...
"I'm thinking 4 or 5 words..." he tried to help me along.

"Go your own way?" I tried.

His face split into a big smile.  He like that and liked the wording and the fact that I was on the right track.
"Mine was going to be 'You are underestimating yourself.'"

He had me again.  Large warm tears came spilling out.  It had been a while since I sobbed in Therapy, so I didnt bother getting a tissue.  I dont know how it always seems to happen like this.  I did NOT want to go to therapy that morning.  It was so warm in bed and I was so tired from a long week and an emotional altercation too fresh for much inspection.  I went anyway and tried to think up plausible manipulative things to say to get out of a double session this week. 
Sometimes, I go knowing it is the best thing for me.  But today I went knowing that I had promised others and most of all myself that I would make the effort to get better for myself and for my future.  And I couldnt get out of that promise.  Yet, as always, I left feeling like no matter what awful terrible things life could throw at me, I could handle it.

Tenacity.  He said it was remarkable and a good thing and that he wanted me to keep going and keep working on the goals I had set for myself.  Because in the end he said I would be triumphant.  I could find my ceiling and break through and find a new ceiling. 
Because I couldn't control his thoughts, or how he judged people. 
Because I wasnt going to try to win in a losing system.
Because I could find my role and not confuse it with someone else's.
Because I didnt have to be dependent on anyone, no matter how easy it was/is to fall back into that mode.
Because what other people say about me is none of my business.

Because I am.  Things are.  There is no deeper meaning or message to life.  So many things merely are and exist as a function of cause and effect and choice; that attempting to perform harsh introspective surgery to wrest some divine imprint is foolishness. 

"The door handle IS," I tell myself.  Besides performing it's duty it is of no consequence to me.
And so I keep plugging away at life.... oh yes... my enduring tenacity.
But also learning to find happiness.

October 14, 2012

To him who knows to do good...

Last time I talked with my mother it ended with me basically shouting at her for over 5 minutes.

I dont talk/communicate/email/text her much.  But she has my Birth Certificate and Passport (expired a bit ago, but I would still like to get it) which I asked for when I was in her area back in July.  She looked at me (shocked) and said something about how it was her property, but she supposed I could have a copy.

I had been pestering her since July to send me the promised copies (and I have had tabs up on my Moz since then on getting a passport renewal and the necessary steps to getting a copy of a Consular Report of Birth Abroad since then as well) and she has been giving me empty promises since July.
Nothing new in that behavior, though.  For shame.

Then, one of the times I reminded her (sometime in the middle of September, I believe), she manipulated a phone call out of it.  I knew it was manipulation, but I hoped for a bit of reconciliation, and perhaps a semblance of a relationship?  Yeah, way high hopes.  Isnt it almost foolish how we keep hoping against all logic and past experience?

Anyway, the conversation started out pretty safe, talking about things and people and I was even honest with her when the conversation switched to me and my current life choices and some of the changes Ive been making recently...
Then, she asked me what I had done that day (my day off). I told her the truth.  I had spent most of it at the Community College.  I had been over my Application for Dependency Override again with a FAFSA counselor (which made me upset and cry, because he told me that since I could at any moment call my parents we were not estranged and I was not eligible) and turned down.  I had taken an "Accuplacement Test" and done rather well (according to the Proctor, who should know, I guess).  I had gotten in with an Advisor who looked over my scores, signed me up for an Associates in Business, and who wrote down a handful of classes for me to try my first semester.  Then, I got my residency proven, so I can get the In-State Tuition rate.

I asked her for my Highschool Transcripts (which in the past she has sworn she can produce and would be willing to give out copies of), and one last time asked her to allow me to access the information I would need for a FAFSA.
She asked me: "Well, do you WANT to be my daughter?"
I got angry and began a tirade.  She was completely silent the entire time.  I told her that I was her daughter no matter what happened because I could never get away.  I told her that SHE needed to act like a real MOTHER as well,  I told her that I was an adult and that adult daughters did not (in the real world) lay around the house sucking off their parents teat.  I also told her that to pretend that I would be allowed to go to college were I living at home was laughable and ridiculous.
I told her she was living in a fantasy world, rules by some outdated old book and made-up rules.  I told her that they (she and her husband) were reading the book wrong, and that they loved their book and the rules more than they loved their children.  I told her all their good works for keeping these rules were pointless.  I told her that if she really wanted to live by the book's rules, here was one: "To him who knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin."
I told her that she and my father were living in sin because they had the power to do unlimited good.  They could do SO much good, but they refused, and therefore all their works and rule-keeping and book-reading were going to backfire.  I told her that by refusing to send me an email with a handful of numbers they were sinning.  They didnt have to send me any money, they didnt have to support me currently (either financially or supporting my 'lifestyle' and/or life choices) and they didnt have to expend any energy or resources.  They make so little and have so many kids that I would probably get a free ride anyway.

I ranted for quite some time.  Then, I told her that I was angry and that I should probably stop because I did not see the conversation getting any better.  I told her I wasnt sure if she was still there because I hadnt heard a sound since I started ranting, but I hoped the rest of her night was better than the phone call, and I was going to hang up now.

And then I hung up.

She texted me a couple minutes later saying that she was listening and hadnt wanted to say anything that would be seen as 'judging' me.
I never replied.

October 13, 2012

Long overdue, but short

Dear Readers:
(if there are any of you left!!)

I have been silent for a long time.  I will be working on finding my voice again, but I'm not sure what all that will take.  I have been through a lot this year, and this summer especially.  And maybe some of this will come out in the wash, OR I will tell you about it in time....
But for now an update on current events and future plans!!

I am looking for a new/different/better job.  I have been in retail in various ways for two years now with a very messed up company.  I have been applying to about a dozen different retail jobs over the past two months now.  I have received only one response from one company, and that was a letter in the mail saying that my application did not merit me a further interview.
I was encouraged to branch out of retail and look into corporate places for secretary work or some sort of clerical position.  I will be working on that in this next week.
The unemployment rate in Charlotte is a bit higher than the national average and there are too many people willing to work for minimum wage.  I survived a whole year on minimum wage and it was HARD.  Because I have moved around my job a bit, I have gotten to a feasible rate that is high enough over minimum wage that I think no one wants to hire me for that much, especially in retail.  I have been able to save a lot of money and to improve my living state and do things I would not have done otherwise.  (Ie. I dont want to go back to scrounging at minimum wage)

So I am off to try for other kinds of work.

I am finally going to plunge ahead with college.  I have been wanting and wanting and hoping to do it, College and have signed up for an Associates in Business starting in the spring.  I am not sure exactly how many classes I will be able to take, and how much exactly it will cost, but I will do as much as I am able.
I cannot get Financial Aid due to refusal of my parents to lend me their tax information, and I cannot file as an Independent Student for another two years.  I am not desirous of getting into debt, so I wont be taking a bank loan or any kind of student aid or anything like that.
HOWEVER, if you know of any awesome scholarships, or anyone willing to sponsor a determined, but poor, ex-fundie-daughter on her path to higher education and freedom: PLEASE send them to me.
I have plans to take a couple classes and work as much as I can to make ends meet.
I have decided to stay in Charlotte for the time being, at least until I get this degree and/or I get a solid direction on where I'm headed in my life.

I am/have been going to Therapy/Counselling since late June.  It has made a tremendous change and it is significantly helping me in a couple things.  In fact, it is partially his insistence that I go to College that has put the fan to my dimly lit embers of hope.  I WANT to do this and he keeps encouraging me towards it.  Says it will be a much better use of my intellect than the petty drama of Retail Life.

Any questions or things I missed?
I dont know.  That is is for now, I think.