The Crash

It came.

I didn't sleep until 6am today.  I sat up on the computer watching youtube videos because when I tried to lay down and sleep I could not stop crying. 

It began the other day when my friend needed intense support.  I was glad I could be there for her, and I would do it again.  However, when I hung up after over two hours on the phone I suddenly realized how low I was on emotional energy.  Its funny, I thought I was fine, and then I crashed.
I went to the pool and swam until I was so tired I was shaking.  On the walk home I cried and cried.
The rest of the night I sat like a bum on the laptop.
Yesterday I tried to ignore life, or doing anything in general.  I did go across the street and babysit for a widowed single mother.  She offered for me to go out to a bluegrass festival with her and the kids, but I knew I was not in the condition to enjoy it.  I came home and crashed into my very warm and forgiving pillows.  I woke up around 9pm and made myself a nice dinner.  Then, I jelled in front of the TV until midnight.
I was almost asleep when a depressing and very powerful song came into my mind and would not stop repeating.  The usual cure for that is listening to said song and then fading it out with other music.  However, the series that I have been writing was also floating through my mind.  I sat down at the computer to listen and began writing.  I wrote three chapters, before I hit a chord that I did not know was so tender.

I sobbed and sobbed.  My friend's problem was so similar in this area that it must have freshened the memory in my mind.  It is amazing how an article on forgiveness had just been brought to my attention.  A major part of forgiving is the grieving process.  I did not know how deep my grief ran, but I found out.

I really wanted to call someone.....actually, just about anyone, but I could not go over to where the phone was and dial.  It was like there was a wall blocking me.  I couldn't think of anyone who would really understand, on a real level. 
So, I just sat on the computer and burned time.

Around 5:30 I dared to lay down again.  Immediately, I began crying.  Eventually, I fell asleep, holding tight to my pillow.
Mrs. G woke me up a little after 1pm, asking me if I had slept well.  I told her how the night went and she apologized for waking me up and encouraged me nicely.

I have been laying low today, not doing much, not trying too hard on anything.

I am writing out my High School work and making up a transcript for myself.  An accredited HS degree is just around the corner.  I get big credits on Classical Greek, Bible, and Classical Literature. :P

Sleep

Call me Sleeping Beauty!!

The other day I went out with Mrs. G and we picked out a color for my bedroom and made choices and compared and bought a bedset.  I really like what we got, and I felt super accomplished for making decisions and being able to choose easily enough.
Anyway, she was surprised when I did not go right up to my room and change everything around and arrange and organize.  I went to the couch, and fell asleep.  I had no idea why either.  I was just incredibly sleepy.
Today, we drafted a sort of cover letter to hand in to all the places I applied to explain why a 20 year old has no paid work experience or any previous employers to put to her name.  We got home, and discussed High School and getting a transcript made up and taking the SATs or a different State placement test. 
I am soooooo sleepy.

Then, as I was about to lay down and sleep for a couple hours that this was how my body was reacting to doing all sorts of new and unprecedented things.  I fall asleep. 

I am trying not to sleep, or hoping the feeling will pass.  Not because I think it is bad, but because I want to get some work done right now while it is fresh in my mind and because if I can sleep every other time....maybe this won't become a habit.  Imagine....I get a raise, and when everyone turns to congratulate me I am fast asleep.....haha
OK, so a bit far-fetched there, but still.  I am glad to be doing all this and to have the AMAZING Mrs. G helping me do all this.  Cover letter, transcript, SATs......she is hands down the best!!!!!

Isa. 54

"...To open before you the double doors,
So that the gates will not be shut:
I will go before you
And make the crooked places
I will break in pieces the gates of bronze
And cut the bars of iron.
I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the LORD,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel..."

Transition

Maybe it is the fact that nothing has sunk in
Maybe it is that this place seems heaven crafted with everything good and nurturing to my soul
Maybe because I am endlessly naive
Maybe because it isn't so bad
Maybe because anything is better than what was before?

I am actually enjoying life.  I wake up and wonder what the day will be like....in a happy way.  I hope it isn't temporary.  There is a pool nearby that I can go swim in.  I love water.  I used to wish I was a fish or a mermaid.  It has done wonders for my outlook.  I can't wait until I can go swim again.
People gave to me so generously that I could live for a couple months without having to work, but I really want to support myself/be independent. (*gasp, did I just say those words?) 
I applied to two retail stores and I will look into nannying/babysitting.  The area around here is prime for that.  I am hoping to be able to go anywhere in a couple months. 
I am feeling so strange actually having the whole world around me to pick from. 

What do you want to be?

  I could do this, I used to enjoy that, I like this.......
Suddenly I am not quite sure what my goals for life are.  I know a couple things I have written down.  I guess I'll have to go dig up that list and start keeping promises to myself. 

God has been so good.  Wow, I just started crying.  I was talking with a friend lastnight and I said "I don't know what I have done for God to be so nice to me..."  I still don't understand why He cares. 
I'm gonna sign off because I can't see for crying.

Dear subscribers:

My family found out about the blog....specifically my Dad.  A day or so after (June 6th) he and my mom came down to my room and announced that we were going to "have a talk."  They told me that I was not "communicating" with them, specifically.  And that I needed to be able to communicate well with authorities in order to be anything in life.  So, in order to do this, they were going to force me to comminicate.
I said: "FORCE?!?"
Yes, they said, force.

They took away the phone I was/had been using (they pay for it) and turned off the wireless internet.  If I wanted to communicate with anyone in the outside world I would have to 1) ask them for permission, 2) answer any questions they asked like: Who?  How Long? etc, and 3) I would do it upstairs where they could monitor it.

After a month, my dad said, this "probation" would expire and if I had demonstrated acceptable/good results I would be allowed to regain all the "privileges" they had taken away.
 I was offered by a couple people to leave, but I didn't feel peace, and I wasn't sure.  I stayed.

Then, July 5th at 3am (ok, so make that July 6th) I had a "meltdown."  I hate math, and my dad wanted to run over some numbers that we were going to present the next morning at 9am.  I had just finished cleaning my room, and doing other things.  I cried my eyes out, pleaded to go to bed, and was downright grumpy, sleepy, and refused to help or dig up numbers.

The next morning I was not taken to the meeting.  I spent the day doing random chores and planning for my birthday (20) the next day.  I spent my BD afternoon shopping, and the evening with my best friends.

The next day (July 8th) at lunch the children asked me to take them out to the creek near the house to swim.  Before I could respond, my dad who was home for lunch (that is VERY rare) broke in and said that I could not use the "family car" until I "learned to be respectful."  I rolled my eyes and finished eating.

Then, later that evening, right after dinner, he announced to my mom and I that I was not allowed to go out anywhere unless HE gave me specific permission...."until I learned to be respectful."
How can I put this?
I was sick and tired of him lording it over me, so I argued (respectfully) that I could hear God myself, that everything having to be HIS way or no way was prideful, etc.  I asked him "why won't you let me leave?"  He said that it was God's orders to him to keep me in the house and to train me out of this 'rebellion.'

Anyway, I left home Wednesday, the 21st.
 I am now safely in the home of a gracious, amazing lady, and her family.  I actually never met her except through reading blogs and comments, but I was pretty sure that I would love living here....and I do.

I wanted to re-open the blog, and Mrs.G. (for gracious, that is not her name or initial) really wanted to read again.

I will be changing the name and the URL, so DD will fade away, and hopefully my parents won't find me for a while....
See me at:
http://butterflysmemoirs.blogspot.com/