September 28, 2011

Life (4)

So the other week this awesome job fell onto my plate.  It was just the type of job I wanted, and with the salary I wanted and the lady promised to be flexible.  I would do her bidding for a certain number of hours one day a week.
I went there with high hopes that this 4th employer would be nice and that my income would finally allow me the breathing room I wanted.

I walked in and the first sound I heard was the exact same music my parents liked.  Old, 80's CCM.  I knew many of the songs on that mixed tape by heart.  Her expansive wood floors and huge windows also reminded me of the Philippines and right around lunch time I saw a 'tiki' lizard outside her kitchen window.  She said it must have been meant to be, and after the work was done we sat around and talked almost as long as we had worked.  (Mrs. G. warned me outright about the dangers of blurring the lines between employee and friend)

She was very much like my parents as far as belief, etc.  Except that she was a rather well-to do and had a (now married) daughter who was spoiled rotten and a renegade 8th grader she had given up on (except to yell at him and complain to me about).

She was entirely kind and understanding, but I disliked going to her house because it felt like going back to my parents in a way.  In a strange way.  While there I can work and not think about the correlations, but when making a time and date to work and getting up in the morning to GO to her house, I found myself lagging and resenting myself for needing the job.

And then came this week.  Her schedule changed and she wanted me a couple days.  I mentioned needing to work for someone else but she shoved that aside and said that "she NEEDed me" and the other job was secondary.  She decided about the time I got there that she was going to have a yard sale this weekend and so I spent my three hours walking up and down the three and a half flights of steps from her attic to her basement and took out about 7 minutes to take a drink of water (I asked for it I was so thirsty) and some chips (she offered me).  Then, she wanted the yard sale advertized on craigslist.  I was told that I could "do it later today" when I "had time."  I was a bit confused by this, but I said that it should have her email address so that any questions could be answered by her or her husband.
So, I spent another 30ish minutes helping her draft out a suitable entry and posting it and creating an account.  She then paid me for 3 hours, claimed my whole morning tomorrow, and most of the day Saturday for her sale. (I let her know my schedule previously that I had Saturday off.  Dumb me.)

I drove home, stewing.  I was fore-warned about blurring the lines and suddenly I felt like she was my parents all over again taking advantage of me and making me work without pay and expecting instead of caring.
I am pretty mad still. I promised Mrs. G that I would give her one more month.  If I am still working for her come November I want someone to come and wipe my memory.  Or blow up the road to her house..... anything.  I do not want to be up tomorrow bright and early to do more fetch-and-carry only to be told "maybe you'll lose some weight."  And then to get paid for part of it?
I feel like I sold my soul somehow.  That it was all my fault for needing the money.  That I wasnt living within my means and that I was to blame.  I dont want what I ran away from.  I dont want it.  And I dont want to work for her any more.

The problem is: people without boundaries often are impossible to break away from.


Hey, at least I have gas in my tank and I am working overtime at the store.  I start Bookkeeper training Sunday and I have a couple days vacation I have been saving up.
I have people who love me that I am staying with and I know that they will make sure I will stay safe.  And that includes pressuring me to say "No" when it is good for me.
And I will make it.
I will live life as me.
I am who I am and I will serve God as me.

September 18, 2011

The Faith of a Child


When I was young I loved this song. At night, there would usually be some kind of instrumental music or tape playing (except as we got older my mom would turn it off because she wanted some silence and time for herself after we were all put to bed).  I would drift off to sleep with some music of this sort playing, every night.

I will be with you
In joy and in pain
Your cry for mercy
Echoes my name
Now and forever
I'll be at hand
For I will be with you
I will be with you
For that's who I am.


To this day it touches me deeply.  I remember looking for this song March of 2010 as I struggled to work out whether I should go with the things I was learning and where my heart was leading me, or whether I should stick to what I was taught.  I have a paper I saved full of hard questions I was asking myself, and on the other side were the few words I could remember from this song.

I will be with you
I'll be on your side
Your prayer for deliverance
Will not be denied
I'll fight the battles
That evil might win
Oh, I will be with you
I will be with you
Till the end of the age.

Today, I found it again by chance.  I listened to it as I got ready for work and I knew that today He would be with me.  Like I was young again, I felt like I had a child's faith.  I had been waiting a week to hear back about a position at work (promotion) I had applied for.  

I will be with you
There's no need to fear
How can they harm you?
When I hold you near
Your life is in my life
Come devil or sword
I will be with you
I will be with you
'Cause I am the LORD.

I was sitting down for a quick break when Manager walked by.  She asked if I was on break and when I said I was we went back to the office and she told me that I was promoted.  I cried.
Like I had said to some friends.  All my life I was told that if I "left the umbrella" I would end up a drug-addicted prostitute.  I would never 'make it' much less be successful or be promoted.
This song is one of my all-time favorite songs.  It is probably one of the main things that keep me holding on to a hope for God.  Not because I want to believe in Him, but because the child inside me has faith that He will always be with her and hold her near.

September 12, 2011

thoughts

You know those times when it is 2am and you roll out of bed (still) wide awake, tired of staring at a dark ceiling and trying to fall asleep?
Times like this make you start thinking about stuff because thinking is all you have left to do.  My reading is done, my laundry is folded and put away, the desk arranged, the clothing for work tomorrow laid out, plans for the day on a mental list, shopping from the afternoon put away or taken care of, receipts logged and bank account managed, bed made with newly washed sheets.....

So I sit here bored, and the thoughts come.  That is the last thing I want.  I make notes on my calendar.  I make sure my alarm is set for the morning.  I go downstairs and get some tea.  I plan out christmas gifts.  I do anything to avoid thinking.

Because it hurts.
And when I hurt I have no other recourse but to deal with it.  Either by blocking, stuffing, healing, processing..... (option e: all of the above).  I have to do something because I cant un-think.
I can sit here and type words on a white space, and then with a backspace key I can remove all of them.  I could even delete this entire post with a couple key strokes.  They say that the only thing in life you can control is yourself....  and if we are honest we are so bad at controlling even that.

I have to fight to keep from tears sometimes when feelings of inferiority and fear overwhelm me.
I have to work to get over depression, more arduous than a mountain climb, I have to fight panic attacks and PTSD. 
I have yet to successfully control my mouth and caustic tongue.
I cannot seem to control the thoughts others have drummed into my head or made me think.

And as I sit here mired in self-pity and hopelessness I feel one thing.  tired.
So tired of working so hard and not 'getting anywhere.'
Tired of dissapointing people I love.
Tired of trying and failing.
Tired of not being who I want to be/what others want me to be/what I-andor-others think I should be.
Tired of longing for a future and a hope that some crazy prophet said was in store.
Despite consistent and personal insistence from people that they love me and are there for me I feel alone.
So hopelessly tired and alone.


But you know what will get me through this?
love

Love will eventually help me sleep.  And love will hold me after they read this and tell me that crying is ok and being depressed is ok and that I can stop fighting once in a while and just collapse.
Love will protect me ans shield me.  It wont save me from pain and it wont take away the hard times in life and the tough decisions I have to make, but it will help me make the right ones and it will encourage me to keep working through the mess. It will stop and wait with me as I take a breath and calm the racing of my heart.  It will not censure me for being weak and helpless, and afterwards it will hold me and tell me that it is proud that I didnt give up.

And I wont give up.  Because what other option do I have?

September 9, 2011

09/09/2010

This is a very personal piece, written a year ago, and unrelated to any of my previous posts
So bear with me.


I have to leave you now
Goodnight and Goodbye
Until some time in the future....?
Lightheartedness faked
I smile, and let you go
     The miles begin to separate
     And the urge grows stronger
     Everything inside screaming
     Turn back - RETURN!
     I floor the gas pedal
     Burning up the road
     But speed cannot fill the hole
                You left
     I cannot box you away.

My heart itself betrays me
I can think of nothing else
Your soft voice telling me stories
Late into the night
I punish it for it's treachery
I push it far away
Sulkily it retaliates
Telling me I will ever be alone.
     Too far away for the Knight to rescue
     Too surrounded by problems and Dragons
     Too far away for him to hear my call
     Dying alone; old, sad, and alone
     Nor - if only I'll turn around....

I turn the volume up
The radio blares out into the night
It can push away the thoughts, for sure
Deaden the thoughts
Remove the thoughts
Make the turmoil cease
     But every song is about you
     About moments together that
     Will not be
      I change the channels to no avail
      There is nothing I can do
      I give up trying and let
      The tears fall freely
      Almost there, almost there
      I can let sleep draw me into oblivion.

September 8, 2011

Harry Potter pt. 6

The last movie I saw in a theater.  I was hoping to finish the rest of the movies in time and I am glad I did.
It spends a lot of time explaining and tying up loose ends.  It also flashes back and plays the scene where Harry's mother dies and I could not stop crying.  Like, overwhelming sobbing that made the people in the theater uncomfortable with me.

It has an interesting take on death.  Not unlike the Princess Bride's 'mostly dead.'  Apparently the effects of the shield of love his mother created gave him the choice to 'go back' to life.  It isnt fully explained, but even without him his friends were going to keep fighting evil.  Also, those who are dead (like Harry's parents and guardians) claim to have been always present during the events of the film.  Death is not an end, but a change in the 'level' to which you can do and be. I want to think on that some more before I talk about it because the idea fascinates me.
One thing that I did not like was his repeated insistence that others were dying for him.  HE may have been the chosen one, but he wasnt the end-all be-all.  They were fighting for their way of life and for freedom to not be under a cruel, totalitarian dictator who would have killed up to 75% of them for blood purification reasons.

We learn that some people have been fighting for love all along and it looks different depending on the presuppositions of the one watching/judging.  We see some people make bad decisions and come to regret them.  They are dubbed 'evil' because of family history, race, proximity to evil, and/or opportunity.  Everyone is naturally selfish or jealous.  It is called sin and it is in us as much as it is in them. 
The key is compassion and forgiveness.  And evidence of a real change and time to heal and be apart for a while.  Reconciliation is not impossible.

One aspect that struck me was that one can piece apart their soul and place it in or on something and remain an influence.  I find it a fascinating concept as well as a possible truth.  I think places and things can hold memory.  I think human emotions and person-hood leave more than just a spiritual trail behind them.  Places of beauty are such because people go there to be happy.  Houses that are dark are that way because people fight and hate inside them.  (Think: the House of Seven Gables)
Wands in Harry Potter choose and feel and are beings that have loyalty and power of their own.  Yet, they cannot (without a person commanding them) create any spells or use themselves to do magic.  Thus the things we wear, the car we drive, our belongings contain a bit of ourselves, or a bit of their former owner(s).
That concept fascinates me and I really would like to ask God about it one day.

But in the end, we find that

September 7, 2011

Harry Potter pt. 5

In the 6th movie we see a lot of authorities using those underneath them.  The evil ones do it right alongside the 'good.'  We excuse the 'good' because it seems the most expedient things at the time (not to mention we are cheering for them inside), but the evil one we condemn for using a 'child' instead of being brave enough to do the job himself.
There is one strong undergirding theme of respect and trust being earned. You cannot invade another person's mind or memory without their consent.  You cannot get a spot in the inner circle without earning a good grade in class by trying/studying.

We see again the people cannot be trusted to reveal to us their true motives.  Pretenses get cast away in the heat of the moment and in the crush of real.  There is an interesting message where one person goes with a 'gut feeling.'  I was taught all my life that the 'heart is deceitful and desperately wicked' and that feelings or 'gut' urges were sin just because of their origin.  If you find out later that it wasn't, oops.  Otherwise, you do well by blocking this sin the moment it enters your mind.
Sometimes..... gut feelings can have bearing on the situation and sometimes you may be right.

There are some humorous moments where 'love' and 'attraction' are taken too far and we see that not all 'gut' feelings are true or lasting.  The moral there was to stick close to the people who have stuck with you.  For years:your best friends.  They may end up being more than friends later on....

The 7th movie is more heavy on the storyline then anything else but we see some good stuff.  Dark magic causes depressed feelings and fighting among Harry and his friends. We see that sometimes before fighting about the issue at hand it is better to remove the things that are muddying the waters in the first place.  Clear heads dont waste time and resources screaming at one another.
We see that no matter what the personal cost friendship and love is worth sacrificing for.  We are encouraged to cry when a side character stands up for himself and defends others even as he is killed.  We see a 'bad' person hesitate at a moment of triumph and we see a 'good' person turn other people in to evil out of hope for gain.

We also see someone being confronted with their worst fears.  I think a person's fears tell us more about who they are then their hopes or dreams, so I loved this scene (in a twisted way, knowing it would turn out alright).  His worst fear consisted of spiders (same here), his mother wishing he was a daughter, his best friend belittling him, and the girl he loved ditching him for the person in the spotlight.
When faced with the apparitions of complete rejection, he is paralyzed.  He lays there wondering, wasting precious seconds, if any of it is true, if all of it is true, if anything he knew was true.
And then the voice of his best friend reminds him of the situation and he slays the creature giving rise to the doubts.

My only question is: how do the evil ones know of our worst fears?  Can the devil read minds?  How do they know exactly where our weakest points are?
It plagues me that no matter where I go and no matter what success I achieve in life or over my personal issues, my worst fears are going to be thrown in my face and are expected to cripple, maim, or even completely incapacitate me.....

And that this isnt something I can change.

September 6, 2011

Harry Potter pt. 4

In the 5th movie we find the power of love.
People who hate do cruel and evil things.  People who hate turn dark inside.  Sometimes it doesnt even take hate.  Indifference, depression, disgust: all these things have the power to turn you dark inside.

In the 5th movie we find that some people are faithful even until death with secrets and refuse to be used by evil.  We find that authority without respect, understanding, and honesty results in those under it's control having to hide.  They pretend, obeying outwardly and fight against every rule.  They band together and devote all their time and energy to thwarting the fierce control levied over them, even to the point where they are told they deserve punishment for pretending (when they are telling the truth).
They find that obedience would render them infantile and useless and they rebel.
They form fast friendships, hiding secrets and being there for eachother.  They refuse to break up and together they face powers much bigger, older, stronger and are able to change the course of a battle.

And they are just children

Control breeds rebellion. 
Freedom and careful teaching create wise and powerful individuals who can decide for themselves how and when to act.
Harry find that he can see things others cannot because he has 'seen death.'
He is at the same time hurt and helped by his past.  And even through nightmares, pain, struggles, and victory it does not change. He cannot change his past any more than we can.

One final thing: Harry finally finds his happy memories.  Using them he refuses the Dark Lord's possession of his mind.  He speaks softly and gives him the ultimate blow: "You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."
Even in our world, love has a tremendous and overwhelming power.  My father does not have love or friendship.  He has control and power and fear.  And he has children who have run away from his tryannical reign.  He does not have a wife/helpmeet.  He has a house-elf who serves and obeys and cannot question.
He does not have colleagues.  He has a posse of followers who may or may not stay faithful if he disappears.
And while I dont feel sorry for him, I wish I could.

September 5, 2011

Harry Potter pt. 3


Harry longs for his parents.  He never got to know them and the little memories he has been able to salvage are pitifully inadequate for any person.  Coming from a dysfunctional family, I understand his pain.  I can remember the couple of times that I felt loved by my father and a handful of times that my mother and I enjoyed eachother's company unreservedly.

In the second movie he finds that he has a many of the same powers and talents and the same bent as the Dark Lord and the 'bad' wizards.  He spends a lot of time afraid to turn 'bad.'
The 'sage' of the movies reminds him of a deep truth: it is not our past or what others were or what we seem to be like, but our CHOICES that affect our future.  Harry's choices made him who he was and if he wanted to he could be the darkest of all.  If he chose, he could also stay on the path of being a friend and doing good.
I also love the many mythical things that crop up in the movies, such as (in this one) a mirror which shows us as having accomplished our deepest desires/wants/goals.  It shows you yourself truly happy.


In the 3rd installment we find that Harry is negatively affected more than anyone else at the school by the daemon-creatures that suck out happiness and joy because he has had 'true horrors' in his past.  He blacks out and is unable to accomplish much of anything against them.  In order to repel them you have to have a happy memory to focus on, or some indecent of true joy to block them with.
The power of this memory creates a 'shield' and a strong enough one would repel the attacker.

The parallels with real life are enormous.  I often find that one of the few things that bring me out of my place of pain or loneliness or depression is the strength of my memories and the pieces of joy in my past.

In the 4th movie someone places Harry in a contest in hopes to either kill him or get him to a place where the Dark Power can use his blood to come back to life (a bit creepy, yes).  A companion is killed and Harry has the choice to run or fight and he decides to die bravely.  In a matter of wands and such, the victims of the Dark Lord come out and attack him, creating a shield which again saves Harry.
We find out about a father who was so dedicated to his career that he lost his only son, who then turns around and kills his father and serves the Dark Lord gladly.  We find the teachers and parents keep information from Harry and his friends which would be useful to know.  I dont know why parents cant be honest and up front.  'Ready' or not, eventually children are going to become adults and need to know.  (But I wont get any more off topic here)  We see that kindness is appreciated by some, if not by many.  And we learn that things are not always as they seem.  The best of intentions may have some underlying evil motive. 

September 4, 2011

Harry Potter pt. 2

Beginning this I want to be honest and say that one of the biggest reasons I wanted to watch the movie series was a "how close can I get to the line but not cross it" motive.
A facebook friend posted a video from a 'former witch' that had the usual "there is a huge hidden conspiracy in schools and modern culture to take your children" fearmongering I had heard a million times before about everything from Jeans to Rock Music to Barbie Dolls.
I am a QF/Patriarchy daughter who 'ran away' from home at 20.  Ive already been called all sorts of descriptive names and 'rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft' doesnt scare me.  Use a blank threat too many times and I wont believe anything you say or quote.  Also, nearly all the world knows about the book series and the movies are bound to be bigger than Titanic.  I read other books because of their 'classic' status, I wasnt going to stay away from HP just because of a worn out line that says I am going to become a witch.

Next Disclaimer:
The nature of writing is flawed in that interpretations can be taken from it based on the mindset and presuppositions of the readers.  Take the Bible for instance.  How many religions and factions and bad things have come out of man's attempts to make sense of it over the past 2,000 years?
In watching the HP movies, my interpretation of them and the things I see may or may not jump out at others.  They may not even be there at all for some.  However, the things that I am seeing I want to share.  So take everything with a grain of salt.

In the first movie we meet a lonely boy who has been treated like a slave by his aunt and uncle.  His cousin feels obviously superior and they all look down on him.  Strange things happen around him and he isnt quite sure why or how.
And then he finds out that he has been lied to his whole life.  His aunt was jealous of her sister and upset at her life choices and hoped to keep Harry from his destiny.  Needless to say, she and her controlling husband are unsuccessful.
Harry begins to learn about what really happened to his parents and the secrets of his past.  He is allowed to make innocent/childish mistakes and some of his teachers care for him like parents.
In the climax: a battle with his nemesis, we find out that his mother's death created a magic around him so old that it changed the world.  She blocked the killing curse meant for him.
A sacrificial death.

I made this picture my computer background and when I look at it I can see love.