I got a second job about a month ago doing laundry, dishes, ironing, etc for a lady/her family. She works and cant keep up with it all and still have time to spend doing things she needs to get done. So, she pays me to do it for her. And I dont mind.
The ironic thing is that I didnt used to be the clean and organized one. My mother and sister tried for years to drill into me a sense of "clean up after yourself" and "pick up your room" and "get in the corners", etc.
They threatened me with pictures of hoarders and told me my future home would look like that and smell like cat urine if I didnt learn then what they were teaching me.
And I *was* a very messy child. I didnt care about matching clothes, brushing my hair, or making my bed . And in same cases (*looks over shoulder at the bed all messy and unmade.... **cough) I still put things off longer than they might should be done.
But I am not really a messy person. And cleaning makes me happy. I never thought I would hear myself say it. I spent most of this morning cleaning out cabinets, arranging items, stocking the arranged and empty cabinets with all manner of useful things, and cleaning out months worth of congealed brown sticky goo from long-ignored cabinets at work. (yes, loooong ignored. It took me almost and hour and a ton of boiling water to clean that one out)
I then wiped down the front of all the stainless steel shelves and sprayed them with cleanser and went all the way around Food Service doing the same thing. And I was in a great mood, happy, and busy keeping myself busy singing little tunes to myself.
And that is when I realized that I was happy doing it.
Someone once asked me what a perfect future would entail, and all I could think to want was to *be happy*. As strange as that sounds, and as simple as it might be to accomplish, I dont really remember ever being just happy. At peace with myself, delighting in my surroundings, enjoying the work set before me, and in harmony with the people I come in contact with.
Happy.
I was CLEANING (something I have always loathed and put off) and HAPPY. And I did it well. And I made so much space after I threw out unnecessary junk items that had been laying around since..... who knows when.
Mrs. G told me the other day as we were cleaning out her fridge (my idea.... *gasp) that it was because I was not depressed any more.
And that got me thinking. I do still feel the way I used to, but it is getting to be at shorter intervals, and I can get over it quicker using my wits and all the ways I have learned to combat it. I do feel more in control of myself and I like who I am as a person.
And I am a very nice person who cleans, and sings, and smiles at mean people at work, and laughs off mean comments, and who is a good worker, and who is always doing more.
Its funny. For so long I tried to be ^ that kind of a person and never could attain it. It seemed like only a perfect person could keep up such a nice act.
But its not an act. Its easy. It comes naturally.
Like sorting, arranging, and cleaning....
April 26, 2011
April 19, 2011
Love
You know why people talk about it all the time?
You know why song after song can be written about it and it hasnt been exhausted?
You know why it makes people do 180's and change in ways they never thought possible?
Do you want to know why all the stupid, cheesy cliches stay around?
Because sometimes it is the only thing in the universe that cant be excused or written off.
It cant be denied in the face of cynicism or debated out of logic and reason.
And then you have been loved....
You are not the same.
It is like living through a tornado.
You open the storm-cellar door and look around at the chaos that used to be familiar and safe and realize that nothing will be the same again. What used to matter suddenly is cut down to the basics. Formality and societal constructs got whirled out of shape and the old rules just dont fit any more.
It is amazing to be with people and know that no matter what they are there for you. These people would give up anything (some of them everything) for Y-O-U.
I used to feel unworthy in a bad way. I felt like a louse who deserved squashing for the fate of being born a louse.
But this time I feel unworthy because; when someone you respect and look up to and go to for advice and support is willing to die for you.... it is the only natural feeling.
Is this what God is like?
You know why song after song can be written about it and it hasnt been exhausted?
You know why it makes people do 180's and change in ways they never thought possible?
Do you want to know why all the stupid, cheesy cliches stay around?
Because sometimes it is the only thing in the universe that cant be excused or written off.
It cant be denied in the face of cynicism or debated out of logic and reason.
And then you have been loved....
You are not the same.
It is like living through a tornado.
You open the storm-cellar door and look around at the chaos that used to be familiar and safe and realize that nothing will be the same again. What used to matter suddenly is cut down to the basics. Formality and societal constructs got whirled out of shape and the old rules just dont fit any more.
It is amazing to be with people and know that no matter what they are there for you. These people would give up anything (some of them everything) for Y-O-U.
I used to feel unworthy in a bad way. I felt like a louse who deserved squashing for the fate of being born a louse.
But this time I feel unworthy because; when someone you respect and look up to and go to for advice and support is willing to die for you.... it is the only natural feeling.
Is this what God is like?
April 12, 2011
Fear
I have come to realize a pattern: My knee hurts when I do something drastic, or when Im stressed. Like a blinking red light, only in my brain's pain center.
This time, its warning me early...
This weekend I will be seeing my family again. For the first time in 9 months, and first time since I left in the wee hours of the morning. My younger brother is having a public ceremony in honor of his Eagle Scout award. He desperately wants ALL the family together and got permission. He called me on Monday to make sure I was still coming. I told him that I had promised and I would do what was necessary to be there for him and to keep my promise.
I hurt my knee the other month when I stepped back and twisted it in the parking lot.
It has been hurting since the other day.
As much as I have been trying to take this one day at a time and not worry....
My knee knows better.
This time, its warning me early...
This weekend I will be seeing my family again. For the first time in 9 months, and first time since I left in the wee hours of the morning. My younger brother is having a public ceremony in honor of his Eagle Scout award. He desperately wants ALL the family together and got permission. He called me on Monday to make sure I was still coming. I told him that I had promised and I would do what was necessary to be there for him and to keep my promise.
I hurt my knee the other month when I stepped back and twisted it in the parking lot.
It has been hurting since the other day.
As much as I have been trying to take this one day at a time and not worry....
My knee knows better.
April 4, 2011
Hindsight
Hindsight is 20/20
Most of last week it was raining. The temperature also dropped about 20 degrees and it even frosted over one evening. It was only over this weekend when the sun came out and the 70 degrees returned that I realized just how depressed I was/had been. I had been so much better at handling it over the winter when I expected it and was prepared to combat it.
This week was like a backhand to all the progress I thought I had made.
It is hard to look at myself when I am in that condition. I am ashamed to admit the depths I sank to, and how crazy it all seems now.
It is so much easier to diagnose in hindsight, as well as to cure and counsel.
Today I had a customer that reminded me jarringly or my dad. The poor man. I ran away as soon as I finished checking him out and spent as much time outside as I could, getting carts, changing the trash bags, etc. I picked up pretty quickly what was wrong, so it wasnt as bad as it might have been, but it was still a reminder to me of all my "issues" (such a nice word to bundle everything up with and dismiss or package it...) and what I had to deal with.
Luckily the day sun was hot and the pansies in front of the store smiled encouragingly at me. I managed to pull myself together and be alright. One halting step forward after falling down the stairs... again...
Most of last week it was raining. The temperature also dropped about 20 degrees and it even frosted over one evening. It was only over this weekend when the sun came out and the 70 degrees returned that I realized just how depressed I was/had been. I had been so much better at handling it over the winter when I expected it and was prepared to combat it.
This week was like a backhand to all the progress I thought I had made.
It is hard to look at myself when I am in that condition. I am ashamed to admit the depths I sank to, and how crazy it all seems now.
It is so much easier to diagnose in hindsight, as well as to cure and counsel.
Today I had a customer that reminded me jarringly or my dad. The poor man. I ran away as soon as I finished checking him out and spent as much time outside as I could, getting carts, changing the trash bags, etc. I picked up pretty quickly what was wrong, so it wasnt as bad as it might have been, but it was still a reminder to me of all my "issues" (such a nice word to bundle everything up with and dismiss or package it...) and what I had to deal with.
Luckily the day sun was hot and the pansies in front of the store smiled encouragingly at me. I managed to pull myself together and be alright. One halting step forward after falling down the stairs... again...
April 1, 2011
April Fools
As they say: Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.
~~~PS: The title has nothing much to do with the post or the contents thereof.
I have this mistaken view of relationships/friendship that I need to work on.
I think that I need to be the happy, upbeat, strong person I am when I am "normal" or happy and when I am not feeling that way, I fake it. Somehow I feel that being honest would be a real let-down for the people who like me/are friends with me. I "need" to be extroverted all the time because that is what people expect.
It makes it worse when I feel that I cant be honest with people who really love me. I KNOW they would not be upset if I was honest and they would help me. But I dont want their pity. I dont want their help. I dont want them to know that I am down tonight and I would rather fake happy and shallow conversation than have that awkward silence when I am crying and they cant do anything about it.
It is a vicious cycle.
I got so offended the other day when someone said something about me having a lot of spare time and not having a hectic schedule or life. I felt like they were dismissing all my emotional struggles and PTSD and whatnot as "easy to deal with." I got really persnickety with them and bitter and before I realized it I was holding a grudge.... against a dear, dear friend!
And then I feel somewhat of the exact same thing when I have a day without work.
Or, when I am in the middle of work and I am tired and bored and I think about quitting...
Honestly, this whole post sounds like much ragging.
I wish, at times like this, that I was still a teenager, so I could dismiss it all on angst or something.
That is basically what it is. Depressed anxiety.
My best friend posted something about today being your last day. My first thought was that I would do something crazy and spend all my money and go out with a bang. And then my next thought was that it would all be a waste anyway, and I might as well just die now.
There are days when I am happy. I love life and the people in mine.
I can put all the junk aside and really smile and enjoy.
But not all the time.
Thinking eventually kicks in, and blocking emotion, along with being unhealthy, works on both the bad and the good. I cant feel happy if I dont feel sad.
And, on that note: a sweet/sad country song for deep thinking
Fool me twice, shame on me.
~~~PS: The title has nothing much to do with the post or the contents thereof.
I have this mistaken view of relationships/friendship that I need to work on.
I think that I need to be the happy, upbeat, strong person I am when I am "normal" or happy and when I am not feeling that way, I fake it. Somehow I feel that being honest would be a real let-down for the people who like me/are friends with me. I "need" to be extroverted all the time because that is what people expect.
It makes it worse when I feel that I cant be honest with people who really love me. I KNOW they would not be upset if I was honest and they would help me. But I dont want their pity. I dont want their help. I dont want them to know that I am down tonight and I would rather fake happy and shallow conversation than have that awkward silence when I am crying and they cant do anything about it.
It is a vicious cycle.
I got so offended the other day when someone said something about me having a lot of spare time and not having a hectic schedule or life. I felt like they were dismissing all my emotional struggles and PTSD and whatnot as "easy to deal with." I got really persnickety with them and bitter and before I realized it I was holding a grudge.... against a dear, dear friend!
And then I feel somewhat of the exact same thing when I have a day without work.
Or, when I am in the middle of work and I am tired and bored and I think about quitting...
Honestly, this whole post sounds like much ragging.
I wish, at times like this, that I was still a teenager, so I could dismiss it all on angst or something.
That is basically what it is. Depressed anxiety.
My best friend posted something about today being your last day. My first thought was that I would do something crazy and spend all my money and go out with a bang. And then my next thought was that it would all be a waste anyway, and I might as well just die now.
There are days when I am happy. I love life and the people in mine.
I can put all the junk aside and really smile and enjoy.
But not all the time.
Thinking eventually kicks in, and blocking emotion, along with being unhealthy, works on both the bad and the good. I cant feel happy if I dont feel sad.
And, on that note: a sweet/sad country song for deep thinking
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