I suppose I should say something patronizing and politically correct right now about the ones that do it right and the ones who really are good and shit.
But I dont feel like it.
I am boycotting facebook today because I really cant handle all the mushy "my dad is the beeeest dad eeevvvuuur" stuff people are posting along with pictures of when they were little with their dads.
All the pictures I have with my dad are in "ministry" or in family pictures we took once every 5 or so years; reminders that "god" and his ministry and his "testimony" were more important than me.
Oh yeah, and that pesky little affair he got into!
What a great example of a Father.
Did I ever mention that he apologized to me only once for that?
He uprooted our while family, causing us to move thousands of miles, losing all contact with our only friends, forced us to live in an entirely different culture (it was only home for him and my mom), moved us around frequently for 3 years, unable to stay too long in any one place, and then picked a situation where he was uniquely unsuited to settle.
He again tried to be the leader of a religious group, except the independent Americans weren't used to being told how to worship god and they shied away from him like wood splinters from a swinging axe. They all could see that he lacked grace, and come of them tried to tell him that, but he laughed in their faces and called them pant-less men who were being controlled by their overbearing wives.
He frequently made me feel ashamed for the genes that he gave me (and his side of the family) and told me to exercise and "get out" more. I would serve myself food and he would chime in (sometimes from across the room) "A moment on your lips, forever on your hips."
He boasted about my intelligence, telling me that by studying at home I could be fit to debate down any newly minted "Youth Leader" graduating from his alma mater: Liberty University. (he scorned youth leaders because many of then started out as Pastoral majors and after enduring one semester of greek decided to downgrade to a less demanding degree)
I also learned that judgmental and cruel attitude towards others and spent years making more enemies than friends, influencing no one before I realized what I was doing.
After all, I was only following the example set for me by my Father.
I never asked for anything because he never had money. He worked up to 7 days a week to feed and clothe 9 kids and a wife in a country with a steadily failing economy. I was not allowed to leave home without a chaperone or get a job, so I served as a free maid after I finished whatever school I had left to do.
And I felt like it. I was expected to be able to control (without being allowed to enforce my commands) my 6 younger siblings and to cook and clean up after them each day (to my mother's specifications of clean).
Is it any wonder I escaped to the internet?
He spent time on the computer too. And because he was the man, he could force any one to leave what they were doing so that he could check his email and stalk random people on facebook.
I cannot forget the one time a friend (who made some decisions with her life that my father did not aproove of) commented on a status update I made and my father took it upon himself to tell her she was not welcome to comment on my updates and that she should never speak to me again.
He was always setting an example for me.
So please, dont take this as a bitter, selfish rant from a disgruntled daughter.
I would love to want to have contact with and see and spend time with my father.
Reconciliation is always the golden nugget we hide in the bottom of our hearts.
Dont tell me to pray for my father: because I know for a fact people who have been praying decades for some kind of honest change in him have told me that as well and my father has remained consistently impervious to all of it. Obviously, it doesnt work and hasnt worked.
Or maybe they are praying the wrong thing.
What I want on this F-day is for my father to call me and apologize.
Apologize for the spiritual and mental abuse he inflicted on me and my siblings for most of our lives.
Apologize for the choices he made and for what consequences those choices had on his vulnerable and innocent children.
Apologize for his consistent refusal to listen to his children and for shaming them and hurting their hearts by his callous attitude and cold-hearted patriarchal stance.
Apologize for the threats and hate he has volleyed at his adult children who moved away, ran away, or were kicked out of the house by his "standards."
Apologize for the poison planted in the minds of the younger children against their older siblings because they were too young to understand everything that was going on and were not told the truth.
Apologize for the alienation and refusal to support except for the guilt-tripping "I love you" texts every 6 months or so that basically only tells you that he hasnt changed and he wants you to feel guilty.
Apologize for making the lives of his adult children agonizing because of his refusal to sign FAFSAs, teach them how to survive in the adult world, and give them any kind of support or positive reinforcement.
And finally, and apology for being such a bad example as a human being and as a father.
I am pretty sure I/we his kids deserve this.
And until I get this, I am not going to wish him a "happy" day and pretend that everything doesnt matter.
Because it does matter. And no amount of sugar coating can cover the gangrene of the bad example he continues to set every day.
