I woke up on Christmas Eve in one of the worst depressed moods I have been in in a looong time.
It paralyzed me for most of the day, although I was able to act like I was happy for some of the evening while I was with people. I have spent a couple hours playing FreeCell and listening to my youtube playlist and I realized a couple reasons for everything. (Yay for processing! And yay for a potential solution?)
1) I had a dream that morning about work and the promotion I was hoping to get. Somehow the new CSM was my mom and she was making a schedule of work and I overheard her telling one other people to leave room for me to train for bookkeeper.
-- So somehow my subconscious is looking forward to getting it. Making it a sure thing instead of just a possibility. I am also having authority issues as I see the new CSM like I see my mom (she is SO not like my mom). I sure hope we have a better relationship!
2) I shared deeply of myself recently. Things I have not told many people, and things that I have kept hidden for a long time. I feel incredibly vulnerable and it is triggering my trust issues. Red alert; hide; protect yourself; etc. Every time I do this (share) I get this gut feeling that the person I share with will abandon me/hurt me/break my trust/something. It has happened in the past, so it is not entirely an irrational response. I just didn't see it coming this time.
3) I am a "physical touch" love language person. Around the time I became a teenager it became a bad thing to hug and tackle hug (my favorite) and to touch other people in general. So I buried it along with the other parts of me that were deemed inappropriate/bad/unladylike/etc.
Recently, I had a reciprocation of affection in the form of holding hands and hugs and it totally sent me for a tailspin. I found myself humming happy tunes to myself (and by the time I realized it I had apparently been doing it all day), and dancing around the room, and overall feeling like life was beautiful.
--- now life is back to normal.
I feel like my closet of issues got the door unlocked and came crashing down on me. I spent most of the morning crushed, trying to push things off me and work out what exactly was the matter. I even passive-aggressive asked people for help and then refused to talk to them.
I feel like a stick of dynamite that exploded all over w hen it shouldn't have and messed every one's holiday up....
December 25, 2010
December 18, 2010
Father Thoughts
Lately I have been playing this song over and over again:
I keep having trouble being able to accept that I am loved by God.
As a father-figure.
As MY FATHER.
I dont remember much of my very young childhood, but I do remember this one secret name thing my dad and I had for eachother that we made up on our one furlough out west. He liked it a lot and I liked the rhyming aspect of it. I was his little girl.
As I grew up, somehow we lost that. I remember being concerned about something and asking him if I could talk to him about it. He had an errand to run that was a 30-minute motorcycle-trip away and so he let me ride behind him and try to ask about it.
It was something I had overheard my mother saying to someone else about "how much time" he spent at home versus away doing "ministry." I was shocked when I first heard that, but I watched and realized it was true. I hardly ever saw my Daddy.
I tried to tell him it in my 10-year-old knowledge of emotional distance, but I remember him turning it into a debate. He challenged me to make a graph of the time he was "at home" and the time he was away. I remember dutifully keeping that list for a week before I threw it away. #1 problem was that he was right. He was "at home" much more often than he was gone. #2 problem was that the graph was messy. #3 problem was that I didn't want to talk about it all of the sudden.
I realize now that I am older that although he was physically "at home" all the hours he was sleeping or eating, or doing something ELSE and not with us is what I should have been counting. Because even after all that I had to force (or ask ahead) to get him to myself.
I remember a couple months ago, an old family friend telling me that my father loved me. I bust into tears and shook my head. No, I remember with perfect clarity the last time I KNEW my daddy loved me.
It was September. I may have been 11 or twelve, I don't remember exactly the year.
We had just had a fellowship at our house, and it was a bummer night for me. I had wanted a couple things to play out and stuff had gone wrong. I especially wanted to talk with a certain boy and he had ignored me the whole night.
I sat down on the couch dejected and upset about life in general not going the way I would have liked.
Somehow Daddy was walking by, and instead of doing any of the number of things he might have had to do; he sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulder, and asked me how I was and how things were going.
I remember that something inside broke and I turned towards him, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. In public, in the middle of our living room.
I remember that the boy I wanted to talk to walked off and I didnt care that he left for the night. I dont think I ever SAID anything, or that Daddy said anything else. But I remember crying and hugging him and him hugging me and knowing that he loved me and that it was ok.
Since then.... I dont know. I know that a lot of times he did not love me. Or the family. That we were not his first priority. And it still hurts me to this day.
Talking about it today triggered all these memories I think. Right now all I want to do is have him see how hard I am crying and to ask him WHY.
I remember not too many months ago when I had to ask him for permission to use the phone. He pressed me for all the details and what exactly I was going to say and why I needed it and why I needed it at that time. After a couple minutes of this he said that I needed to wait until he got home so we could talk about it.... more.
I have never been so exasperated! I remember being so angry that my hands shook so badly that I dropped the phone and I could not really control myself. Mother thought I had "thrown" the phone and she was mad at me for that. She said I was "throwing a temper tantrum" because he did not just give me what I wanted right away. I screamed incoherently something about "that is not true" and started crying. She said it was so true and too look at myself. I was throwing a huge pity party.
I remember not being able to see clearly and almost screaming at her: "He calls THIS love? He SAYS HE LOVES ME?!?!"
I dont remember what she said. I remember pushing past shocked and frozen little siblings (who heard me screaming and came running) to hid in my room the rest of the day. (I was grounded anyway, so I was technically just returning to my cell)
I'm not sure how all this interprets, but maybe its the trust issues that we children all have are cropping up for me this past week. Any serious relationship I have has been hampered by them. And right now I cant sleep, tormented by the question "Why?" and the tears that only flow as long as the heart grieves.
I keep having trouble being able to accept that I am loved by God.
As a father-figure.
As MY FATHER.
I dont remember much of my very young childhood, but I do remember this one secret name thing my dad and I had for eachother that we made up on our one furlough out west. He liked it a lot and I liked the rhyming aspect of it. I was his little girl.
As I grew up, somehow we lost that. I remember being concerned about something and asking him if I could talk to him about it. He had an errand to run that was a 30-minute motorcycle-trip away and so he let me ride behind him and try to ask about it.
It was something I had overheard my mother saying to someone else about "how much time" he spent at home versus away doing "ministry." I was shocked when I first heard that, but I watched and realized it was true. I hardly ever saw my Daddy.
I tried to tell him it in my 10-year-old knowledge of emotional distance, but I remember him turning it into a debate. He challenged me to make a graph of the time he was "at home" and the time he was away. I remember dutifully keeping that list for a week before I threw it away. #1 problem was that he was right. He was "at home" much more often than he was gone. #2 problem was that the graph was messy. #3 problem was that I didn't want to talk about it all of the sudden.
I realize now that I am older that although he was physically "at home" all the hours he was sleeping or eating, or doing something ELSE and not with us is what I should have been counting. Because even after all that I had to force (or ask ahead) to get him to myself.
I remember a couple months ago, an old family friend telling me that my father loved me. I bust into tears and shook my head. No, I remember with perfect clarity the last time I KNEW my daddy loved me.
It was September. I may have been 11 or twelve, I don't remember exactly the year.
We had just had a fellowship at our house, and it was a bummer night for me. I had wanted a couple things to play out and stuff had gone wrong. I especially wanted to talk with a certain boy and he had ignored me the whole night.
I sat down on the couch dejected and upset about life in general not going the way I would have liked.
Somehow Daddy was walking by, and instead of doing any of the number of things he might have had to do; he sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulder, and asked me how I was and how things were going.
I remember that something inside broke and I turned towards him, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. In public, in the middle of our living room.
I remember that the boy I wanted to talk to walked off and I didnt care that he left for the night. I dont think I ever SAID anything, or that Daddy said anything else. But I remember crying and hugging him and him hugging me and knowing that he loved me and that it was ok.
Since then.... I dont know. I know that a lot of times he did not love me. Or the family. That we were not his first priority. And it still hurts me to this day.
Talking about it today triggered all these memories I think. Right now all I want to do is have him see how hard I am crying and to ask him WHY.
I remember not too many months ago when I had to ask him for permission to use the phone. He pressed me for all the details and what exactly I was going to say and why I needed it and why I needed it at that time. After a couple minutes of this he said that I needed to wait until he got home so we could talk about it.... more.
I have never been so exasperated! I remember being so angry that my hands shook so badly that I dropped the phone and I could not really control myself. Mother thought I had "thrown" the phone and she was mad at me for that. She said I was "throwing a temper tantrum" because he did not just give me what I wanted right away. I screamed incoherently something about "that is not true" and started crying. She said it was so true and too look at myself. I was throwing a huge pity party.
I remember not being able to see clearly and almost screaming at her: "He calls THIS love? He SAYS HE LOVES ME?!?!"
I dont remember what she said. I remember pushing past shocked and frozen little siblings (who heard me screaming and came running) to hid in my room the rest of the day. (I was grounded anyway, so I was technically just returning to my cell)
I'm not sure how all this interprets, but maybe its the trust issues that we children all have are cropping up for me this past week. Any serious relationship I have has been hampered by them. And right now I cant sleep, tormented by the question "Why?" and the tears that only flow as long as the heart grieves.
December 16, 2010
Life (2)
Ok, so I am on an out as far as creativity is concerned.
I dont know if it is the weather, or temperature, or stuff happening, or staying up too late at night, or what, but Ive been having pretty severe mood swings this week.
~From happy/excited to crying/depressed and back and inbetween.
The girls at work have been telling me how quiet and serious I have been lately and I have had to wonder myself. Most times I feel "normal" (well, like how I always do inside) but I just have nothing to say.
That is how phone conversations have been to. I sit quiet and let the other person talk, which has been an exercise as well as a general lack of ideas on my part of topics to discuss.
I *did* talk to the girl-who-was-taking-charge and she said I would have to talk with the Store Manager.
At first he was really curt with me (he has been looking upset all week, people talking with him all the time, stuff like that). I did not want to talk with him while someone else was arguing with him about some aspect of the store, and I didnt want to disturb him if he was doing anything serious. So, I dont know what was different about Monday, but something inside told me to ask him TODAY.
I found the courage in the afternoon as he was leaving front end. "____, I have a break around 4. Could I talk to you then?"
He looked at me askance, and then nodded and walked off.
Then, as I got my lunch (soup. it was SOOOO cold!!) he came to the cafe and sat down with me. I was suddenly scared to death, and I realized that I had not rehearsed anything to say, or figured out how to approach the subject. I think he realized how hesitant I was and he got nicer and more gentle. He said that I would have to "prove myself" to the new CSM and after a week or two I should ask them.
All things considered it went pretty well. But I know I have to be really ready before I "talk to people in authority" because I have this excessive fear about getting yelled at or brushed off by them.
When talking about it later I burst into tears.
Just talking about it. Even now writing about it I am getting upset inside. All tight and my throat is burning.
On to other issues: I am learning how to budget and plan out getting a paycheck and bleeding it out to last two weeks. Repairing my car, buying myself food when I want something different from what they have at the house (rice :D), christmas presents, gas.... things like that that keep life interesting and teach me how to make it.
*que "I Made It" by the Cash Money Heroes.....
I dont know if it is the weather, or temperature, or stuff happening, or staying up too late at night, or what, but Ive been having pretty severe mood swings this week.
~From happy/excited to crying/depressed and back and inbetween.
The girls at work have been telling me how quiet and serious I have been lately and I have had to wonder myself. Most times I feel "normal" (well, like how I always do inside) but I just have nothing to say.
That is how phone conversations have been to. I sit quiet and let the other person talk, which has been an exercise as well as a general lack of ideas on my part of topics to discuss.
I *did* talk to the girl-who-was-taking-charge and she said I would have to talk with the Store Manager.
At first he was really curt with me (he has been looking upset all week, people talking with him all the time, stuff like that). I did not want to talk with him while someone else was arguing with him about some aspect of the store, and I didnt want to disturb him if he was doing anything serious. So, I dont know what was different about Monday, but something inside told me to ask him TODAY.
I found the courage in the afternoon as he was leaving front end. "____, I have a break around 4. Could I talk to you then?"
He looked at me askance, and then nodded and walked off.
Then, as I got my lunch (soup. it was SOOOO cold!!) he came to the cafe and sat down with me. I was suddenly scared to death, and I realized that I had not rehearsed anything to say, or figured out how to approach the subject. I think he realized how hesitant I was and he got nicer and more gentle. He said that I would have to "prove myself" to the new CSM and after a week or two I should ask them.
All things considered it went pretty well. But I know I have to be really ready before I "talk to people in authority" because I have this excessive fear about getting yelled at or brushed off by them.
When talking about it later I burst into tears.
Just talking about it. Even now writing about it I am getting upset inside. All tight and my throat is burning.
On to other issues: I am learning how to budget and plan out getting a paycheck and bleeding it out to last two weeks. Repairing my car, buying myself food when I want something different from what they have at the house (rice :D), christmas presents, gas.... things like that that keep life interesting and teach me how to make it.
*que "I Made It" by the Cash Money Heroes.....
December 8, 2010
Life...
I am learning more things and trying to grow, and hopefully getting stronger.
I am learning now about the difference between worldviews and how they affect one's life.
I am really scared about saying anything at work because two employees left/got fired/something happened. I fear that if I ask what happened I will get censured.
Mrs. G keeps telling me that they are not "looking for sin" in my life.
One of the leavings/fires/disappeared was the guy in charge who was planning on moving me up the ranks to become a book keeper. I am now wondering what my future holds if I am stuck making minimum wage as a cashier.
Mrs. G encouraged me to talk to the girl who is taking over until a new manager-in charge-person comes in. She said that I need to let people know that I want to move up and do more and that it would be looked on favorably for me to be trying to take on more responsibility. I was afraid that I would be seen as self-seeking, or pushy or something.
*sigh. Sometimes I see just how starkly all this has been entrenched in my mind, as well as how little I really know about the outside world. It is nice to not have to be concerned. But at the same time I am not sure I entirely believe her. Is she sure? Will it really be ok?
I am so messed up...
I am learning now about the difference between worldviews and how they affect one's life.
I am really scared about saying anything at work because two employees left/got fired/something happened. I fear that if I ask what happened I will get censured.
Mrs. G keeps telling me that they are not "looking for sin" in my life.
One of the leavings/fires/disappeared was the guy in charge who was planning on moving me up the ranks to become a book keeper. I am now wondering what my future holds if I am stuck making minimum wage as a cashier.
Mrs. G encouraged me to talk to the girl who is taking over until a new manager-in charge-person comes in. She said that I need to let people know that I want to move up and do more and that it would be looked on favorably for me to be trying to take on more responsibility. I was afraid that I would be seen as self-seeking, or pushy or something.
*sigh. Sometimes I see just how starkly all this has been entrenched in my mind, as well as how little I really know about the outside world. It is nice to not have to be concerned. But at the same time I am not sure I entirely believe her. Is she sure? Will it really be ok?
I am so messed up...
December 3, 2010
The War of Darkness and Light (pt. 1)
One of the biggest mental shifts I have had to make in transitioning out of cult-like teachings is the "us vs. them" mentality which I have heard some people say is the worst of all the teachings.
Immediate judgements are my specialty. With my ready, sarcastic, wit I can easily hurt someone and I am very good at making spot-judgements as to the person's spirituality, modestly, humility, attitude, etc.
Just call a spade a spade: pride and superiority is the base attitudes behind all this. (and I think the base of the reason why some people attack others who seem to be a harm to their teachings/enterprise)
I know better, I AM better, I have the answer, I know why you are struggling so much with this.
My first step to overcoming this shameful habit, was to work on my "Black and White" vision.
Something is either black or white. Good or bad. Godly or sinful. God's or Satan's.
There is no alternative. No other options. My mother used to say many times "...there are only two powers in this world. God and Satan. If it is not 'of God' then what is it....?"
And this way of thinking is also just the easiest way of living life. Whenever anything comes up (if it has not already been decided by the system) that has not been placed into one of the two categories it is immediately (and hastily) scrutinized and then padlocked into one of them.
Why do you think these groups/churches break apart so easily?
Why do the list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" vary so drastically within these family-cults?
(ie. disney movies vs. no-disney movies vs. no movies, TV, or anything; skirts only vs. culottes acceptable; long hair vs. hair always up vs. hair-covering vs. braids vs. curls; makeup vs. no paint)
(ps. these are only some of the "debates" I have personally overheard/been in in conservative circles. This one family who thought "courtship" was too liberal had an extensive collection of disney movies. This other family who had nothing really against carefully planned dating would not enter the other family's house because of the disney movies, and they were upset that their daughter [age 5] pointed to the brightly colored cassette cases and asked what they were [CONTAMINATION!!!!])
"Like minded" is more than just a system of worldview when your worldview is so highly specialized.
Each box of "dark" and "light" must contain the same items. An overlap can lead to an outbreak of debate, disharmony, difficulties in families being together and [heaven forbid] questions from the children.
Imagine how hard it is for a child who has loved disney movies her whole life to suddenly have her new friend telling her they are evil. In Satan's box.
Imagine now a young man meeting the teenaged son of another family and hearing the other boy talk about his dating experience.
It is generally termed "cognitive dissonance" and it seriously screws with a child's ability to place things in boxes and KEEP them there.
Yet it (putting things in boxes) must be done. There are no other options.
Two boxes vs. everything in "the world."
Back to my story: My first step was to try to break out of the "two sizes must fit all" mentality.
Is sex before marriage going to send you to hell?
How about just "emotional impurity?"
What happens if you leave your parents without their permission?
Are all gay people really God-haters?
Is birth control really intentional child-killing?
Aren't all feminists man-haters?
Buying something for yourself is gluttony/selfishness.
Any and all of the above were things I personally had to think over. Boxes that had to be hacked open with the sword of division, and re-evaluated.
And there have to be more categories. Because not everything is black OR white. Some things can be either/or. Some things have nothing to do with sin or not sin.
(Personal example: Jeans. My sister was talking to me on the phone one day after she left, telling me how versatile and easy jeans were to wear/match/go out in/work in. She told me her amazing discovery. Wearing jeans was not a SIN. In fact, it had nothing to do with morality at all. It was a PIECE OF CLOTHING. It was not black. It was not white. It was not a color at all. It did not need a box.
It blew my mind like it blew hers)
[ps. yes, my father firmly believed and taught and debated the fact that jeans were symbols of the '60s era rebellion. That people wore them as rebellion and to go against the culture and that wearing jeans was only going back to that and everyone who wore them was a rebel. If one had hard labor to perform, like feeding the pigs, or painting, or doing handyman work (he had a pair of them) then jeans were acceptable. Not preferred, and not OK, merely acceptable]
It is hard work. It is disturbing to find out the level of hate and prejudice that I have for people who have not harmed me or done anything other than claim a label. I have not even met some people in these evil groups (well, I guess I have met most of them now, but I hadn't for a while) and I have condemned them all to hell-fire. Just for something they have decided is right in their own lives.
So the guy training me may be gay. Is he any less-qualified to train me? Am I too good to be trained by him? Does it affect our work-related job?
So, my fellow casheir-girl is 17 and on birth control. Do I shun her lifestyle, choices, and life-goals? Do I preach abstinence at her every time we work together?
The distaste in my mouth is a good feeling. I do not want to be a proud, arrogant holier-than-thou snob. I was for too many years. It never got me anywhere, and in fact it alienated people I might have become good friends with.....
(next part I will discuss more of the pride/superiority aspect)
Immediate judgements are my specialty. With my ready, sarcastic, wit I can easily hurt someone and I am very good at making spot-judgements as to the person's spirituality, modestly, humility, attitude, etc.
Just call a spade a spade: pride and superiority is the base attitudes behind all this. (and I think the base of the reason why some people attack others who seem to be a harm to their teachings/enterprise)
I know better, I AM better, I have the answer, I know why you are struggling so much with this.
My first step to overcoming this shameful habit, was to work on my "Black and White" vision.
Something is either black or white. Good or bad. Godly or sinful. God's or Satan's.
There is no alternative. No other options. My mother used to say many times "...there are only two powers in this world. God and Satan. If it is not 'of God' then what is it....?"
And this way of thinking is also just the easiest way of living life. Whenever anything comes up (if it has not already been decided by the system) that has not been placed into one of the two categories it is immediately (and hastily) scrutinized and then padlocked into one of them.
Legalism is the lazy man’s faith. It takes the beauty and serenity of God’s rest and reduces it to something we’re more comfortable with—an easy list of rules to keep.You never have to think about that thing. You never have to puzzle your mind about whether it's idiosyncrasies might make it belong to another category, because there is no other category.
Why do you think these groups/churches break apart so easily?
Why do the list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" vary so drastically within these family-cults?
(ie. disney movies vs. no-disney movies vs. no movies, TV, or anything; skirts only vs. culottes acceptable; long hair vs. hair always up vs. hair-covering vs. braids vs. curls; makeup vs. no paint)
(ps. these are only some of the "debates" I have personally overheard/been in in conservative circles. This one family who thought "courtship" was too liberal had an extensive collection of disney movies. This other family who had nothing really against carefully planned dating would not enter the other family's house because of the disney movies, and they were upset that their daughter [age 5] pointed to the brightly colored cassette cases and asked what they were [CONTAMINATION!!!!])
"Like minded" is more than just a system of worldview when your worldview is so highly specialized.
Each box of "dark" and "light" must contain the same items. An overlap can lead to an outbreak of debate, disharmony, difficulties in families being together and [heaven forbid] questions from the children.
Imagine how hard it is for a child who has loved disney movies her whole life to suddenly have her new friend telling her they are evil. In Satan's box.
Imagine now a young man meeting the teenaged son of another family and hearing the other boy talk about his dating experience.
It is generally termed "cognitive dissonance" and it seriously screws with a child's ability to place things in boxes and KEEP them there.
Yet it (putting things in boxes) must be done. There are no other options.
Two boxes vs. everything in "the world."
Back to my story: My first step was to try to break out of the "two sizes must fit all" mentality.
Is sex before marriage going to send you to hell?
How about just "emotional impurity?"
What happens if you leave your parents without their permission?
Are all gay people really God-haters?
Is birth control really intentional child-killing?
Aren't all feminists man-haters?
Buying something for yourself is gluttony/selfishness.
Any and all of the above were things I personally had to think over. Boxes that had to be hacked open with the sword of division, and re-evaluated.
And there have to be more categories. Because not everything is black OR white. Some things can be either/or. Some things have nothing to do with sin or not sin.
(Personal example: Jeans. My sister was talking to me on the phone one day after she left, telling me how versatile and easy jeans were to wear/match/go out in/work in. She told me her amazing discovery. Wearing jeans was not a SIN. In fact, it had nothing to do with morality at all. It was a PIECE OF CLOTHING. It was not black. It was not white. It was not a color at all. It did not need a box.
It blew my mind like it blew hers)
[ps. yes, my father firmly believed and taught and debated the fact that jeans were symbols of the '60s era rebellion. That people wore them as rebellion and to go against the culture and that wearing jeans was only going back to that and everyone who wore them was a rebel. If one had hard labor to perform, like feeding the pigs, or painting, or doing handyman work (he had a pair of them) then jeans were acceptable. Not preferred, and not OK, merely acceptable]
It is hard work. It is disturbing to find out the level of hate and prejudice that I have for people who have not harmed me or done anything other than claim a label. I have not even met some people in these evil groups (well, I guess I have met most of them now, but I hadn't for a while) and I have condemned them all to hell-fire. Just for something they have decided is right in their own lives.
So the guy training me may be gay. Is he any less-qualified to train me? Am I too good to be trained by him? Does it affect our work-related job?
So, my fellow casheir-girl is 17 and on birth control. Do I shun her lifestyle, choices, and life-goals? Do I preach abstinence at her every time we work together?
The distaste in my mouth is a good feeling. I do not want to be a proud, arrogant holier-than-thou snob. I was for too many years. It never got me anywhere, and in fact it alienated people I might have become good friends with.....
(next part I will discuss more of the pride/superiority aspect)
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