Ka-Boom

I woke up on Christmas Eve in one of the worst depressed moods I have been in in a looong time.

It paralyzed me for most of the day, although I was able to act like I was happy for some of the evening while I was with people.  I have spent a couple hours playing FreeCell and listening to my youtube playlist and I realized a couple reasons for everything. (Yay for processing! And yay for a potential solution?)

1) I had a dream that morning about work and the promotion I was hoping to get.  Somehow the new CSM was my mom and she was making a schedule of work and I overheard her telling one other people to leave room for me to train for bookkeeper.

-- So somehow my subconscious is looking forward to getting it.  Making it a sure thing instead of just a possibility. I am also having authority issues as I see the new CSM like I see my mom (she is SO not like my mom).  I sure hope we have a better relationship!

2) I shared deeply of myself recently.  Things I have not told many people, and things that I have kept hidden for a long time.  I feel incredibly vulnerable and it is triggering my trust issues.  Red alert; hide; protect yourself; etc.  Every time I do this (share) I get this gut feeling that the person I share with will abandon me/hurt me/break my trust/something.  It has happened in the past, so it is not entirely an irrational response.  I just didn't see it coming this time.

3) I am a "physical touch" love language person.  Around the time I became a teenager it became a bad thing to hug and tackle hug (my favorite) and to touch other people in general.  So I buried it along with the other parts of me that were deemed inappropriate/bad/unladylike/etc.
Recently, I had a reciprocation of affection in the form of holding hands and hugs and it totally sent me for a tailspin.  I found myself humming happy tunes to myself (and by the time I realized it I had apparently been doing it all day), and dancing around the room, and overall feeling like life was beautiful.

--- now life is back to normal.


I feel like my closet of issues got the door unlocked and came crashing down on me.  I spent most of the morning crushed, trying to push things off me and work out what exactly was the matter.  I even passive-aggressive asked people for help and then refused to talk to them.

I feel like a stick of dynamite that exploded all over w hen it shouldn't have and messed every one's holiday up....