Stronger

In Matthew 15: 21-28 we see a very interesting story.
It came to me out of the blue today.

This woman travels from a different country to talk to a strange man; begging him to heal her child.  There is no word as to whether she was accompanied by her 'head,' or if she had her husband's permission, or even if she was married in the first place.
She begs this supposed healer for a miracle and he refuses, calling her race unworthy.  Yet, she insists that even as unworthy as she is, she is a person and has rights and needs as much as any 'worthy' race.  And, she firmly believes that this man has the power to grant her desire.

What does this man do?
Does he tell her 'no'?  Does he tell her to speak to him only through her husband or father?  Does he ask where her 'head' is and refuse to listen to her because of her refusal to 'submit' or be obedient?

No.  He respects her faith.  He compliments her on it. And he heals her child.


Today I went by my family's house.
I was not sure who would or would not be home.  But I reasoned that even a Jehova's Witness would be allowed to stand on the porch and be talked to and treated respectfully.  And I had as much right as anyone else.  With the help of my best friend, I got all the way over there only to want to run.  They pushed me up the walkway and rang the doorbell for me.
The 19yrold answered the door and looked at me very accusingly and angrily.  I made it clear that I would not try to enter the house, and that I would not stay long.  I only wanted to greet and give hugs.  He gave it a seconds thought and stepped back from the door.  The 8yo and the 4 yo just about bowled me over as they bounded down the steps and hugged me over and over again.  They showed me their trucks and talked about things that were going on.  They showed me the puppies and their tricks on the trampoline and I carried 4yo around because he didnt have shoes on.  My baby, the now-10yo hung back a little but kept looking at me.  She showed me how she was taking care of the (my) (her) cats and how fat they were (they were SO fat) and hung around the whole time not wanting to be left out of anything, smiling shyly.   The 12yo I saw twice.  She never said a word or came and hugged me.  She hardened when oldersis left home and has determined in herself to never be like us.  I was a bit sad, but I know that I cant change her circumstances and I can only hope that she grows up and might listen or give us a chance.
15yo was woken up, and he hung around being sweet and talked just a little.  19yo also hung around and gave hugs.
My mom was surprised, but glad I stopped by instead of just leaving.  We had been trying to meet, but she did not see my text from the day before.  However, she seemed happy that I made the trip and hugged me a lot.  We talked a little bit and then I had to run because I was afraid I wouldnt make the plane on time. (I did just)

I let my dad know that I had been to the house (but not inside) by text.  He texted me back something about my place and him being my head as ordained by some pie-in-the-sky and I texted him the Bible reference.
My mom said she wished that there was a way to work things out between the two of us (me and him) and I responded: "I am not the one alienating or refusing to love anyone because of superficial values."

She didnt write back, but when I let her know that I made the plane in one piece she responded back:
"Yay. Relax now, and bask in gratefulness for who u are and what god has given and allowed in ur life.  I love you. ;-)"
I almost cried.  She had never, ever said anything like that to me before and it really gave me hope.

I am stronger than yesterday.

I was so glad I actually decided to go there.  It has been a while and I am not angry any more.  Hurt, sure; sad, totally; but not angry.  I respected boundaries and was willing to be turned away, as long as they knew I only wanted to give hugs and let them know that I still exist and love them.  I got so much more than I hoped and it would have been worth it to miss my flight.  I showed my mom that I was mentally and emotionally stable and NOT angry and she seemed to accept that and be hopeful for me.
Even more, she encouraged me.

And I keep growing and learning and getting better, yes?

Apace

Life goes on.

I got a lot more response than I anticipated from my last post, and it was a pretty unanimous veiw that I was being overly dramatic and over-reacting.  I have gotten that one before.  It reminds me not to take myself so seriously.

It seems like ever year I realize that winter is coming and I steel myself inside and try my darndest to not let it get to me, but it invariably does.  I havent cooked all month.  I havent worked my job without crying and, in fact, I seem emotionally on edge almost every day lately.  Granted, there were some work developments that have significantly affected my loyalty to the company; but at the same time to go from loving my job to waiting for the clock to count down is significant.

I realize that I only matter so long as they like me.  I could continue to work myself to death for them and all the appreciation I would get would be from my fellow lower-level service partners who see how hard I am working.  And, in fact, there have been about a dozen that have come forward in the past week and given me words of encouragement or hugs, or in some way appreciated me because of the actions of the manager towards me.
Being loved changes you.

And that is one thing I refuse to give up on.
Because I know that no matter how *I* feel (worthy or unworthy) there are people who love me no matter what.  And that changes everything.
And my favorite memories are being hugged tight in their arms as well as their hearts when I am away. And I get to be with them soon!!!!

And, on that note, it is a good day for me today.
No looking back; life continues apace.

self-mis-diagnosis

I know it is risky and probably foolhardy to diagnose one's self with issues, but here I go anyway.

Last night around 2am, after 3 hours of crying on the phone to a friend and with a massive headache, I wondered aloud: "Could I be Bi-polar?"

I am 'normally' a bubbly, happy, upbeat, sunshiney person.  Yet, even as I do that, there is a voice inside me that tells me all the 'goodness' is a facade and I am lying and putting up a front for people.
Yet, the episodes (more and more frequent as cold and wind and morning frosts take over the northern hemisphere) of uncontrollable crying, irritability, sudden frustration, and downright fierce anger are just as strong and a pert of me hates myself for being that way.
I am not happy with myself when I am 'happy' and I am not being true to myself when I am on the other side either.  Being an all-or-nothing person the middle looks like a boring terrible thing to me.

Bipolar II seems to really fit what I feel is going on.  Semi-rapid cycling of about 2 or 3 weeks each way, sometimes though, I go downhill immediately.  The other day I was cleaning out my junk shelf and I found this old paper:

I opened it and skimmed the first two lines and burst into tears.  I got my camera to take a picture of it, and I ran into Mrs. G. and I asked her if it was normal (inbetween sobs).
She said that trauma creates paths in our brains and this obviously triggered the memory path I laid down at the time I wrote it and some of the trauma was coming back.

Frustrations at work, this paper, and some of the things I am doing to cope are leaving me in a really bad place. Often we cope using whatever will help and sometimes that is only short term beneficial.
Today I was smiling and telling customers "I'm well" or "So far, so good" and hating myself for being such a liar.  I dont know what to do, honestly.
Insomnia, thoughts of suicide, overly active spurts of happiness and busyness, deep depression.... all of these apply to me and sometimes they apply all at the same time.

Am I bi-polar?
Is it a bad idea to self-diagnose?
Is it 'normal' to hate myself no matter what mood of forum I am in?
Is anyone else like this?
Should I seek some medical diagnosis?
Ideas for self-medication/treatment?
Suggestions?
Stories?

....anything?
Is anybody out there?