Last night around 2am, after 3 hours of crying on the phone to a friend and with a massive headache, I wondered aloud: "Could I be Bi-polar?"
I am 'normally' a bubbly, happy, upbeat, sunshiney person. Yet, even as I do that, there is a voice inside me that tells me all the 'goodness' is a facade and I am lying and putting up a front for people.
Yet, the episodes (more and more frequent as cold and wind and morning frosts take over the northern hemisphere) of uncontrollable crying, irritability, sudden frustration, and downright fierce anger are just as strong and a pert of me hates myself for being that way.
I am not happy with myself when I am 'happy' and I am not being true to myself when I am on the other side either. Being an all-or-nothing person the middle looks like a boring terrible thing to me.
Bipolar II seems to really fit what I feel is going on. Semi-rapid cycling of about 2 or 3 weeks each way, sometimes though, I go downhill immediately. The other day I was cleaning out my junk shelf and I found this old paper:
She said that trauma creates paths in our brains and this obviously triggered the memory path I laid down at the time I wrote it and some of the trauma was coming back.
Frustrations at work, this paper, and some of the things I am doing to cope are leaving me in a really bad place. Often we cope using whatever will help and sometimes that is only short term beneficial.
Today I was smiling and telling customers "I'm well" or "So far, so good" and hating myself for being such a liar. I dont know what to do, honestly.
Insomnia, thoughts of suicide, overly active spurts of happiness and busyness, deep depression.... all of these apply to me and sometimes they apply all at the same time.
Am I bi-polar?
Is it a bad idea to self-diagnose?
Is it 'normal' to hate myself no matter what mood of forum I am in?
Is anyone else like this?
Should I seek some medical diagnosis?
Ideas for self-medication/treatment?
Suggestions?
Stories?
....anything?
Is anybody out there?
6 comments:
I think it's ok to self-diagnose as an initial step, but if your self-diagnosis is as serious as bi-polar II, then you should definitely seek a professional diagnosis/professional help.
I'm here, dear. And been thinking of you lately. And it's ok to "self-diagnose", it gives you an idea what direction to go in to seek help. I personally can't point you in any direction here, no knowledge or experience in this area, but keep asking safe people and someone can probably help you in the right direction. Meanwhile, know that you're not alone, and having a lot to work through as a result of our background isn't abnormal. We all are having to figure out and fight our ways out into normalcy and health.
love you.
(((Hugs))) It’s hard to know what’s going on, but if that is your gut feeling it is possible that you are bi-polar. I will say that coming from your background some of those instant mood swings could be responses to something that triggered a past experience of abuse. Until I started getting help for my depression I would have major mood swings, sleepless nights and just days on end feeling dead inside. I had so much anger and sadness bottled up inside from a childhood where those emotions were completely denied and even punished that I felt like an emotional cripple. I encourage you to get help, especially if you are having thoughts of suicide. You deserve the care you need, whether you are bi-polar or depressed. Please know that it gets better, wholeness is possible, you’re going to make it. And good for you putting this out there! Talking about it is how we start to get help.
http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory
(((hugs))) I don't know much, but sounds like maybe a professional opinion might help? <3
Whatever label you put on what you are feeling, it is clear to me that you need some help. First, know that it is OKAY to get that help. Talking to a medical doctor is the first step. That person can either begin to treat you or can refer you to someone who can. Only you can make that first step. I suggest you take it, and see what happens.
I have to agree with those who suggested that you seek a professional opinion on this. I have bi-polar disorder, and although some of these things seem familiar, reading this, all I could think of were grief and/or depression. (Trust me, you can laugh when you're depressed... sometimes it hurts, though.)
Anyway, I'm glad you're looking at yourself, and figuring things out.
PS: Doctors HATE it when people self-diagnose...
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