WARNING: This May Trigger You.
This amazing post about PTSD is very long and has a lot of "meat" in it. I found myself agreeing (sadly, almost) to all of it. Some poignant quotes below, some things I have felt but have not had the words to express.
She is a fellow survivor with the voice that I do not have.
I don’t want people to see me or hear me this way and I don’t want to
have to fake that this is not how I’m feeling. (I can fake it pretty
good, by the way, it’s just exhausting to do so.) How would I explain
“I’m having a bad day because of the ghosts of the past?”
I have a problem with “auto-insubordination,” while it’s happening, in
that I just don’t listen to my own self telling me what to do. I give
myself responsible directions and I don’t take them. I don’t take care
of myself when I feel like this. (I figure this part of the emotional
flashback might be about somehow “recreating” the conditions I lived in
as a kid) If I can, I stay home in pajamas, don’t brush my teeth, don’t
make myself breakfast or lunch. If I can’t, I go where I have to go. I
watch the clock. I waste the day. I can’t concentrate on tasks. I
accomplish little. I don’t feel hungry. I just get a headache from not
eating and then go eat something with carbs or dairy in it, preferably
both.
February 27, 2013
February 24, 2013
Anew
I am on the edge of accepting a job.
I found a really awesome Customer Service position at an Emergency Veterinary hospital.
It is very interesting because I would not only be answering phone lines and taking payments, but I would be admitting patients and checking them out like in a hospital. And, not any kind of patients, but animals. Dogs and Cats whom I love.
I spent 4 hours there yesterday seeing a cat being euthanized because it had fluid in its lungs and wasnt able to breathe on its own any more. I saw an old hound dog with a protrusion out its side bleeding on the floor, biting its owner who tired to wipe the hole. I saw owners in tears and owners happily reunited with their pets after being assured that they had stopped having seizures.
I loved it, and I know I would thrive there.
I am just all torn up inside about actually taking a job and going out on my own like this.
I initially accepted my first ever job out of sheer necessity: They were the only ones to actually want to hire me.
I have never had to make the decision on my own to move forward or not based on my wants.
It is overwhelming, and upsetting, and exhilarating, and mind-bending, and scary, and wonderful, and a new step for me, and a giant cliff that I have just decided to jump off.
Who knows?!?!
Maybe I'll get my Associate in Business Administration and then become a Certified Veterinary Technician like I wanted to be as a little girl. Maybe, could be.... anything.
Its all an open door to me.
And that is life anew.
I found a really awesome Customer Service position at an Emergency Veterinary hospital.
It is very interesting because I would not only be answering phone lines and taking payments, but I would be admitting patients and checking them out like in a hospital. And, not any kind of patients, but animals. Dogs and Cats whom I love.
I spent 4 hours there yesterday seeing a cat being euthanized because it had fluid in its lungs and wasnt able to breathe on its own any more. I saw an old hound dog with a protrusion out its side bleeding on the floor, biting its owner who tired to wipe the hole. I saw owners in tears and owners happily reunited with their pets after being assured that they had stopped having seizures.
I loved it, and I know I would thrive there.
I am just all torn up inside about actually taking a job and going out on my own like this.
I initially accepted my first ever job out of sheer necessity: They were the only ones to actually want to hire me.
I have never had to make the decision on my own to move forward or not based on my wants.
It is overwhelming, and upsetting, and exhilarating, and mind-bending, and scary, and wonderful, and a new step for me, and a giant cliff that I have just decided to jump off.
Who knows?!?!
Maybe I'll get my Associate in Business Administration and then become a Certified Veterinary Technician like I wanted to be as a little girl. Maybe, could be.... anything.
Its all an open door to me.
And that is life anew.
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