I am pretty much an Eldredge Fan. Well, more like I LOVE Captivating and I am working through Waking the Dead slowly and surely.
When I found that they had a new book out, I jumped at the chance to get a copy. Well, more like I really wanted to read it, but was afraid. See, it is a book on marriage.
Now, I am not married, and unmarried girls reading marriage books just puts out a message of: “Trying too hard”, or “too desperate”, or something along those lines.
But I really wanted to read it because I wanted to know what a good marriage looks like. I wanted desperately to have some model or some frame of reference to use if I ever do get anyone interested in me. It is pitiful, I guess. I was talking with a dear girl (I believe I referenced her before as “S”) about marriage and our conversation went like this:
Me:...and I hear that those (good marriages) are hard
In fact, most of the ones I see are not what I want
for myself or my children
“S”: to be honest, I've never really seen 'unhappy marriages'... heard of them... but not really known anyone in one
Me: come to our house
have yourself a lesson
(I know of) parents who kiss and do silly lover-like stuff a lot
and they have had like 10 kids and are in their 50s
I just can't understand or imagine
its sad really
I have been doing a lot of reading of marriage books and the like...trying to get enough head knowledge for if I ever get (to) the real thing
“S”: I'm so sorry for you... I can't understand or imagine your situation...
I feel the same way. I have NO idea what it is like to have parents who really care for one another. My mother protested to my brother just the other day that she “really loves” daddy (it was their 25th Wedding Anniversary). But somehow her love gets lost in his demands and brusqueness and the drag of the life behind the masks.
But I am not writing this out to drag their personal lives out on the Internet. It is just that all the marriages I have personally experienced/been around (not many beyond family) are not what I would want for myself or for my children. I have heard of people who ARE happily married, and some close friends seem to have parents that are like that....but I really don't know their parents or see them much.
Love and War starts out by dashing all the “diamond sunbursts and marble halls” of young dreamers. “Marriage is hard” they say over and over again. And they prove it by looking deeply into what each of us know all too well—the brokenness deep within us. They break from other books by talking frankly and openly about the difficulties of living with another broken, “royally messed up” human being. They state that the purpose of marriage is for God to use this one person as His special “transforming tool” in your life. By living in close and constant communion with this other soul, you need to be forgiving, gentle, relentlessly loving, and try your utmost to be self-sacrificing.
It was a good read. I got through it in two sittings, and it flows easily and engages at the same time. I will probably lend it to a couple people (and my BFF already asked me to let her read it after I was done with it) I have talked to about it, and I will definitely keep it handy to read again in the future.
They break from their other books in that L&W is very light on the movie references. I know that context makes them generally understandable in intent, but for those of us culturally clueless when it comes to Star Wars or The Matrix there is only a random occurrence.
I admire how open and free they are. Writing is a scary thing, because you are baring a part of yourself, your thoughts and dreams and plans and way of thinking to another....to many others.
There are times that writing on this blog feels like I am baring my heart to the entire world. It is scary, and definitely intensely personal. They share their hearts, and it encourages you to get up off the couch and fight. To love with abandon. To engage in the war for the redemption of humankind from evil. To follow God with every ounce in you.
And they promise that it can be done.
May 30, 2010
May 27, 2010
Healing Begins
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good;
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside.
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now.
This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark.
Afraid to let your secrets out?
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now,
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear.
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now:
This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark.
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us;
So please don't fight
This coming light!
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us!
*Note: This song might be a bit too CCM for some people. I do not pretend to understand what "freedom waiting in the sound" means, but the rest of the song ministers to me. I hope you will at least enjoy it as well.
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good;
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside.
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now.
This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark.
Afraid to let your secrets out?
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now,
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear.
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now:
This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark.
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us;
So please don't fight
This coming light!
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us!
*Note: This song might be a bit too CCM for some people. I do not pretend to understand what "freedom waiting in the sound" means, but the rest of the song ministers to me. I hope you will at least enjoy it as well.
May 25, 2010
Musty Old Books
The other day, as we were packing up books the other day, I found a couple that looked worth a reading. SO there I was skimming this book by A.W. Tozer, when I randomly switched chapters and flipped towards the end of the book.
I came upon chapter 9, and read these words:
And later:
I was intrigued by this 1970's perspective. What do you say?
I came upon chapter 9, and read these words:
But, quickly and on the other hand, it must be said that there is absolutely no scriptural authority, neither precept nor biblical example, to allow any husband to behave as a brutal lord, ruling his home with an iron hand...
You can continue through Old Testament history and although it was a bit in the shadows compared with the New Testament, still and nevertheless, there was never and brutal masculine domination in the families with whom God was dealing....
Certainly the Bible picture is plain in denying the husband any right to be a dominating despot delighting in hard-handed dealings with his wife and family....
Peter is advising the husband to use his head and the common sense he has been given: "...giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs of the grace of life." In other words, husband and wife are children of God together, equal heirs of the grace of life.
And later:
Now, Peter makes a very strong comment in this passage for the benefit of husbands. (Chapter 3 verse 7) I suppose there are many Christian husbands whose prayers are not being answered and they can think up lots of reasons. But the fact is that thoughtless husbands are simply big, overbearing clods when it comes to consideration of their wives....
A husband's spiritual problems do not lie in the Kremlin nor in the Vatican but in the heart of the man himself--in his attitude and inability to resist the temptation to grumble, and growl, and dominate! There is no place for that kind of male rulership in any Christian home.
I was intrigued by this 1970's perspective. What do you say?
May 20, 2010
The "God" Card
In out-of-control Patriarchal families, one of the worst abuses that happen is what I am calling "The God Card." This is the worst because it mixes emotional and spiritual abuse and can at times end up in physical abuse.
Basically, this happens when the parents put on the mantle of a Spiritual Mediator for the children. My mother was telling my little brother today that without her (her in general, but more specifically her training, discipline, instruction, etc) he would never be a success in life. The children are told that God will lead them through their parents. For girls, the verse in Deuteronomy about vows is used to prove this.
Parents will try to "break the will" of their children by refusing to let them express contrary opinions or have freedom of thought. They might prey on the child's conscience by equating fear with the Holy Spirit. For example, once when my little brother was really angry he told my mom that he wanted to hit her. He didn't do it, and she said that it was because the Spirit in him held him back from being violent. However, watching the altercation I could only see that it was because he was too afraid of the consequences to do anything.
Another use of the God Card is in evaluation of the child's emotions or heart. A child with a “bad attitude” towards work has a lazy spirit. A child who is contradicting or speaking back to the parents has a proud heart and a stiff-necked spirit like the Israelites had. And God punished them for it. Parents might force the child to repent in their presence, or send them off to write out Bible verses about the wrong attitude/heart condition until the parent deems that change has occurred. If the child persists in such behavior, removal of privileges such as food may occur, or the child is punished by shaming or long sermons/talking sessions.
An older child will be made to feel guilty for not being “spiritual enough.” Lists of sins present and past will come out and behavior patterns through time evaluated. The young person will be pressured to “do what is right” by changing the way they act in order to comply. In many of these young people, firm convictions are formed merely because they were drilled into them with no other backing than “It is the right way” or “This is what the Bible teaches” or “your father/parents have studied the scriptures long and hard and this is the only way to understand this passage.”
On a personal level, I upheld parental theology with fervor simply because I figured it had to be right. When in doubt, I had only to turn to them and ask for the right verse reference or line. Other views of scripture, (when the rare dual interpretations could float at the same time) were seen as a little too “head in the clouds; pie-in-the-sky.” I remember hearing my father expound on other's insight and say that though they might/could apply, his was right. No further discussion, nothing. They were excused because they did not fit with how he saw the passage.
When discussing theology and Bible passages with him, he would stop me from contradicting him (on the rare occasions that I did) because he had spent years and years studying the Bible and he told me that when I was as qualified as him to interpret I would see things the way he did.
Parents who play the God Card may or may not realize that they are using it. In many ways, it fits so well with the Patriarchal model that it seems intrinsic. The father is god of his household in the same sense that God is over the world. Children under this system are not only brainwashed, but intrinsically blinded from ever seeing or realizing that they are because of the largely underhanded way these cards are played. Reading scripture, they can only hear their parent's interpretation. Hearing a message contrary to what they have been taught, they hear only their parents warnings about heretics and people who twist the scriptures to fit their worldly or lazy behavior.
Even when cornered and without further argument they resist all sense because to give up what their parents held, to turn on their ingrained teaching is to turn against God. And even more ingrained than the teaching is the sacredness of their religion.
The fatal truth is that parents who play the God Card are gods in their children's lives. No matter how much emphasis is placed on other things, the children grow up subconsciously placing the parents as their final authority. No matter what is said about religion, the children subconsciously become priests in the family cult. The house becomes a temple to the dominant parent, with the other parent in the heady role as High Priest and oracle.
To break with the order is seen as betrayal, complete despotism, and as a straight path to hell.
And few are those who find that freedom.
Basically, this happens when the parents put on the mantle of a Spiritual Mediator for the children. My mother was telling my little brother today that without her (her in general, but more specifically her training, discipline, instruction, etc) he would never be a success in life. The children are told that God will lead them through their parents. For girls, the verse in Deuteronomy about vows is used to prove this.
Parents will try to "break the will" of their children by refusing to let them express contrary opinions or have freedom of thought. They might prey on the child's conscience by equating fear with the Holy Spirit. For example, once when my little brother was really angry he told my mom that he wanted to hit her. He didn't do it, and she said that it was because the Spirit in him held him back from being violent. However, watching the altercation I could only see that it was because he was too afraid of the consequences to do anything.
Another use of the God Card is in evaluation of the child's emotions or heart. A child with a “bad attitude” towards work has a lazy spirit. A child who is contradicting or speaking back to the parents has a proud heart and a stiff-necked spirit like the Israelites had. And God punished them for it. Parents might force the child to repent in their presence, or send them off to write out Bible verses about the wrong attitude/heart condition until the parent deems that change has occurred. If the child persists in such behavior, removal of privileges such as food may occur, or the child is punished by shaming or long sermons/talking sessions.
An older child will be made to feel guilty for not being “spiritual enough.” Lists of sins present and past will come out and behavior patterns through time evaluated. The young person will be pressured to “do what is right” by changing the way they act in order to comply. In many of these young people, firm convictions are formed merely because they were drilled into them with no other backing than “It is the right way” or “This is what the Bible teaches” or “your father/parents have studied the scriptures long and hard and this is the only way to understand this passage.”
On a personal level, I upheld parental theology with fervor simply because I figured it had to be right. When in doubt, I had only to turn to them and ask for the right verse reference or line. Other views of scripture, (when the rare dual interpretations could float at the same time) were seen as a little too “head in the clouds; pie-in-the-sky.” I remember hearing my father expound on other's insight and say that though they might/could apply, his was right. No further discussion, nothing. They were excused because they did not fit with how he saw the passage.
When discussing theology and Bible passages with him, he would stop me from contradicting him (on the rare occasions that I did) because he had spent years and years studying the Bible and he told me that when I was as qualified as him to interpret I would see things the way he did.
Parents who play the God Card may or may not realize that they are using it. In many ways, it fits so well with the Patriarchal model that it seems intrinsic. The father is god of his household in the same sense that God is over the world. Children under this system are not only brainwashed, but intrinsically blinded from ever seeing or realizing that they are because of the largely underhanded way these cards are played. Reading scripture, they can only hear their parent's interpretation. Hearing a message contrary to what they have been taught, they hear only their parents warnings about heretics and people who twist the scriptures to fit their worldly or lazy behavior.
Even when cornered and without further argument they resist all sense because to give up what their parents held, to turn on their ingrained teaching is to turn against God. And even more ingrained than the teaching is the sacredness of their religion.
The fatal truth is that parents who play the God Card are gods in their children's lives. No matter how much emphasis is placed on other things, the children grow up subconsciously placing the parents as their final authority. No matter what is said about religion, the children subconsciously become priests in the family cult. The house becomes a temple to the dominant parent, with the other parent in the heady role as High Priest and oracle.
To break with the order is seen as betrayal, complete despotism, and as a straight path to hell.
And few are those who find that freedom.
May 19, 2010
Hope
--is what I really need right now.
I have gotten two opportunities and both of them have fallen through. I could work in this area and look for a place to stay, but I was hoping to put some distance between me and "home" right now. Distance is good for release of tension and emotional issues. Distance also helps memories and bad situations fade.
It can also make good memories fade as well. And lessen ties with people that you love. Disappointment can steer you in a better direction, when it can also break your last measure of strength.
I know with God I can make it through. The "how" is the tough part right now.
I have gotten two opportunities and both of them have fallen through. I could work in this area and look for a place to stay, but I was hoping to put some distance between me and "home" right now. Distance is good for release of tension and emotional issues. Distance also helps memories and bad situations fade.
It can also make good memories fade as well. And lessen ties with people that you love. Disappointment can steer you in a better direction, when it can also break your last measure of strength.
I know with God I can make it through. The "how" is the tough part right now.
May 18, 2010
Perspective
When it rains it pours. (said Dear Friend "S")
I replied: When it pours it FLOODS and ruins everything.
When it floods it at least clears away to prepare for new growth. (Dear Friend "F" just told me)
I love my girlfriends. I REALLY, REALLY DO.
I replied: When it pours it FLOODS and ruins everything.
When it floods it at least clears away to prepare for new growth. (Dear Friend "F" just told me)
I love my girlfriends. I REALLY, REALLY DO.
May 15, 2010
Dear friends:
If you would honor me with your prayers I would much appreciate it. I have hit the point of no return. Please pray that I remain strong, that I follow God, and that His will be done.
Twice in two days I have stood up for myself, even though it hurt me or others. God alone could have changed me like this. He is to be praised, and may His will be done.
Many Thanks
DofaHF
If you would honor me with your prayers I would much appreciate it. I have hit the point of no return. Please pray that I remain strong, that I follow God, and that His will be done.
Twice in two days I have stood up for myself, even though it hurt me or others. God alone could have changed me like this. He is to be praised, and may His will be done.
Many Thanks
DofaHF
May 12, 2010
Blessed Are You
Sometimes when we are at our lowest, it really helps to just praise. It is akward at first. You sing (or just play it on youtube if you are like me) and hope that agreeing with the worship of others is an ok way to proceed (vicarious praise, anyone?).
Then, as you listen and agree (you know that is what "Amen" means? We agree!) you begin to feel better. Your soul is a little lighter, and you can relax in the knowledge that God is near. He may not feel near, but He is somewhere near.
Then, you open your mouth and slowly begin to whisper the praises. It feels fake, because your heart is still upset, and hurt, and reeling from pain, and still has so many questions and burdens and is SOOOO angry inside. It feels like a mask.
But in reality it is the truth behind the mask. Your soul really longs for God. Your heart is yearning for fellowship and communion and that closeness to your REAL FATHER.
And then, you can praise. The burdens are not gone, but they are shared. The hurt is still there, but it is better, because the heavenly balm of praise has soothed the burning irritation.
God is still to be blessed when life is hard. God is still in power. God is still commanding the universe. He knows about the pain. He knows the questions. He knows. He so totally KNOWS!!!
Then, as you listen and agree (you know that is what "Amen" means? We agree!) you begin to feel better. Your soul is a little lighter, and you can relax in the knowledge that God is near. He may not feel near, but He is somewhere near.
Then, you open your mouth and slowly begin to whisper the praises. It feels fake, because your heart is still upset, and hurt, and reeling from pain, and still has so many questions and burdens and is SOOOO angry inside. It feels like a mask.
But in reality it is the truth behind the mask. Your soul really longs for God. Your heart is yearning for fellowship and communion and that closeness to your REAL FATHER.
And then, you can praise. The burdens are not gone, but they are shared. The hurt is still there, but it is better, because the heavenly balm of praise has soothed the burning irritation.
God is still to be blessed when life is hard. God is still in power. God is still commanding the universe. He knows about the pain. He knows the questions. He knows. He so totally KNOWS!!!
May 8, 2010
Memories
I am tired tonight. Emotional energy has been running low due to a couple complications in life recently. I have also been working a lot on writing out "my story." The funny thing is that the longer I spend writing and adding and editing....the more I remember. I added a whole bunch of paragraphs, almost a whole 'nother section last night.
Tonight I remembered words people said to me from almost 10 years ago. And by remember....I felt the wind from the speed of the motorcycle. I felt the sleepiness that was making me relax and almost fall asleep against the driver.
I remember a different scene....sitting at the small kitchen table and wreaking my mind for the right words to frame my fears.
I remember sitting beside someone I was once devoted to and trying to tell them how I felt about never seeing them again. I remember how the light fell across their melting brown eyes and the confused and pained look in them.
I remember the wrenching inside as I smiled over and over again.
I remember confessing things to my mother that I had buried under the depths of my mind. I remember staring anywhere but her eyes, at the moth-eaten carpet, at the flower-trellis decorations, at the couch--all torn and the foam picked at by years of little children.
I can't remember smells. I have tried and tried. I guess you can't create or force memories. They come sweeping over you like tidal waves and pull your feet out before you have time to grab on to anything.
Tomorrow, depending on the weather, we will be going south to see where we are moving into temporarily. It is right in the center of a middle-of-nowhere town...at least from the view of the people up here. Yeah, I am prejudiced.
However, we are right across the street from a mini-mart. Maybe I can talk my Dad into letting me work there. It will be something. I think I convinced my mom that instead of burning time at the house I could bring in something.
Being in the middle of town, there is one baseball field in the semi-near vicinity. We have a parking lot for a yard. I personally feel a little strangled when surrounded by stone, brick, and concrete. I am a tropics girl, after all.
It will also be about an hour from anything we do up in the "town" north of us...which is where my only friends live. Maybe by October we will be out, who knows.
Tonight I remembered words people said to me from almost 10 years ago. And by remember....I felt the wind from the speed of the motorcycle. I felt the sleepiness that was making me relax and almost fall asleep against the driver.
I remember a different scene....sitting at the small kitchen table and wreaking my mind for the right words to frame my fears.
I remember sitting beside someone I was once devoted to and trying to tell them how I felt about never seeing them again. I remember how the light fell across their melting brown eyes and the confused and pained look in them.
I remember the wrenching inside as I smiled over and over again.
I remember confessing things to my mother that I had buried under the depths of my mind. I remember staring anywhere but her eyes, at the moth-eaten carpet, at the flower-trellis decorations, at the couch--all torn and the foam picked at by years of little children.
I can't remember smells. I have tried and tried. I guess you can't create or force memories. They come sweeping over you like tidal waves and pull your feet out before you have time to grab on to anything.
Tomorrow, depending on the weather, we will be going south to see where we are moving into temporarily. It is right in the center of a middle-of-nowhere town...at least from the view of the people up here. Yeah, I am prejudiced.
However, we are right across the street from a mini-mart. Maybe I can talk my Dad into letting me work there. It will be something. I think I convinced my mom that instead of burning time at the house I could bring in something.
Being in the middle of town, there is one baseball field in the semi-near vicinity. We have a parking lot for a yard. I personally feel a little strangled when surrounded by stone, brick, and concrete. I am a tropics girl, after all.
It will also be about an hour from anything we do up in the "town" north of us...which is where my only friends live. Maybe by October we will be out, who knows.
May 7, 2010
A Purpose
When we were little, my father put us to bed whenever he was around. (By "put us to bed" I mean turn out the lights, sing to, and pray with)
His prayer was usually a typical prayer for him "...make ____ into a great man/woman of God, for Your glory,.... etc" His family vision has always been "to raise great men and women of God."
Somehow, while surrounded by such expectations and goals, I missed seeing how I mattered.
Coming across such inspirational statements as "You can change the world" and "Without you the world would be worse off" and watching movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" I would always think how I was not included in such statements. A form of mental distancing. "Yes, that is what they said, but the don't mean me because...."
Lately, trying desperately to salvage myself from chronic depression, I have been trying to see if any of them are true, if any of them actually might apply to me, and (mostly) if I can believe them.
A big part of this is believing "in myself". I have found that my self-acceptance level is directly tied to my mood and my depression.
I was made for a reason. A purpose ...or as Captivating puts it: An irreplaceable role in a great adventure.
Do I really believe that?
My insides churn and try to scream "NO!!!" My soul, now alive and in a fighting mood, jumps in screaming "Yes! Definitely! Don't you feel it?" and various other encouraging things as it lays punches all around and fights for all it is worth.
Somewhere along the way, a human being will pass by. Both sides stop suddenly and wait for the validation of it's cause. Usually, the soul retreats, the other side sulks and says: "I told you so."
When someone tells me otherwise, I cry. I cry because my soul is doing a victory dance over the knocked out churning part of me. I cry because I am not sure if I believe them. Because I fear they might be making it all up. Because I hope that someday I will laugh and be free from the inner struggle.
His prayer was usually a typical prayer for him "...make ____ into a great man/woman of God, for Your glory,.... etc" His family vision has always been "to raise great men and women of God."
Somehow, while surrounded by such expectations and goals, I missed seeing how I mattered.
Coming across such inspirational statements as "You can change the world" and "Without you the world would be worse off" and watching movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" I would always think how I was not included in such statements. A form of mental distancing. "Yes, that is what they said, but the don't mean me because...."
Lately, trying desperately to salvage myself from chronic depression, I have been trying to see if any of them are true, if any of them actually might apply to me, and (mostly) if I can believe them.
A big part of this is believing "in myself". I have found that my self-acceptance level is directly tied to my mood and my depression.
I was made for a reason. A purpose ...or as Captivating puts it: An irreplaceable role in a great adventure.
Do I really believe that?
My insides churn and try to scream "NO!!!" My soul, now alive and in a fighting mood, jumps in screaming "Yes! Definitely! Don't you feel it?" and various other encouraging things as it lays punches all around and fights for all it is worth.
Somewhere along the way, a human being will pass by. Both sides stop suddenly and wait for the validation of it's cause. Usually, the soul retreats, the other side sulks and says: "I told you so."
When someone tells me otherwise, I cry. I cry because my soul is doing a victory dance over the knocked out churning part of me. I cry because I am not sure if I believe them. Because I fear they might be making it all up. Because I hope that someday I will laugh and be free from the inner struggle.
May 4, 2010
Tell me--how is your heart?
Today, my mother was looking into her crystal ball again.
Oh, wait, I didn't mean that.... just a second...
Mama had another long lecture about the condition of our hearts today. We only ended up reading one verse of II Samuel 14 (our designated passage for the day) and jumped around again. She said that she was concerned about her children. She recounted the example of a cup filled with water which could not spill poison out of it, and about fruit trees bearing only good fruit. We spent a long time on “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...” I tried to focus on the fact that the whole speech was addressed to evil doubters whose hearts Jesus COULD see, and who were so hardened that He called them all sorts of vile names and they hardly heard.
It is interesting that she used the word “we” all the time. I don't know that I ever noticed it. I always felt that she was using my name. I don't know how much of it I internalized, but I ended up reading a lot in Matthew and I John 3 while trying not to listen to hard.
She tried to use Matt 5 to say that hating = murder like lust = adultery later on, and we had a mini-hermenutical breakdown, but she just went on and ignored me. The passage does not explicitly sate it, like it does in I John 3, but she philosophized that it did anyway. This is the first time I have really had a debate like this with her. I was really surprised by her obstinance. She said it didn't really matter, but I guess I saw it as trying to add something that wasn't there for sermon's sake....which I wasn't happy with in the first place....
I have notes from about a month ago when she did much the same thing. She was upset with all of us for the things we had done that morning. I wrote down the “Sins of Today” list. It was:
Not calling clearly/making sure I was heard
My brother not getting up and making sure that whatever was being said was not something he needed to respond to.
A younger bro talking back....
And it went on with a bunch of (somewhat) trivial things which condemned us all to the tongue-lashing of the day. I remember she spent a long time on proper repentance and such. Then, she had us all bow our heads and spend some time in silent prayer. We were told to “...try to see yourselves as God sees you.”
I prayed for my siblings, because I realize that God does not see me as a dastardly, hardened sinner who did not use the proper summoning technique for her sibling. I am merely a messing-up-all-the-time, but trying-as-hard-as-I-can-anyway child. He knows what I am. He also knows what I can be. He is trying to take me there, but I keep loosing my way.
I just wish my siblings could see this way as well....
Oh, wait, I didn't mean that.... just a second...
Mama had another long lecture about the condition of our hearts today. We only ended up reading one verse of II Samuel 14 (our designated passage for the day) and jumped around again. She said that she was concerned about her children. She recounted the example of a cup filled with water which could not spill poison out of it, and about fruit trees bearing only good fruit. We spent a long time on “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...” I tried to focus on the fact that the whole speech was addressed to evil doubters whose hearts Jesus COULD see, and who were so hardened that He called them all sorts of vile names and they hardly heard.
It is interesting that she used the word “we” all the time. I don't know that I ever noticed it. I always felt that she was using my name. I don't know how much of it I internalized, but I ended up reading a lot in Matthew and I John 3 while trying not to listen to hard.
She tried to use Matt 5 to say that hating = murder like lust = adultery later on, and we had a mini-hermenutical breakdown, but she just went on and ignored me. The passage does not explicitly sate it, like it does in I John 3, but she philosophized that it did anyway. This is the first time I have really had a debate like this with her. I was really surprised by her obstinance. She said it didn't really matter, but I guess I saw it as trying to add something that wasn't there for sermon's sake....which I wasn't happy with in the first place....
I have notes from about a month ago when she did much the same thing. She was upset with all of us for the things we had done that morning. I wrote down the “Sins of Today” list. It was:
Not calling clearly/making sure I was heard
My brother not getting up and making sure that whatever was being said was not something he needed to respond to.
A younger bro talking back....
And it went on with a bunch of (somewhat) trivial things which condemned us all to the tongue-lashing of the day. I remember she spent a long time on proper repentance and such. Then, she had us all bow our heads and spend some time in silent prayer. We were told to “...try to see yourselves as God sees you.”
I prayed for my siblings, because I realize that God does not see me as a dastardly, hardened sinner who did not use the proper summoning technique for her sibling. I am merely a messing-up-all-the-time, but trying-as-hard-as-I-can-anyway child. He knows what I am. He also knows what I can be. He is trying to take me there, but I keep loosing my way.
I just wish my siblings could see this way as well....
May 2, 2010
random stuff
OK, so first order of business is to say that commenting seems to be down again.
If OneSurvivor would email me, I can send you the prize :) (no it is not a kitten)
I am feeling better. Tonight I managed to eat and not feel all that bad. The younger siblings seem to be catching some part of the bug. The baby threw up last night, and other little boy has been fussy and all. (Ps: there is probably nothing worse to do to an already sick-to-their-stomach person than to have them clean up throwup. Thank God for helpful little girls who are NOT (yet?) sick)
Oh, and I am finally sleepy.......all the time..... (can anyone say *rollercoaster**)
Packing has begun in earnest.
I have started to make a pile of boxes in my room. In sorting through all my junk, I came across some letters I had written in 2005, but never sent. It was amazing to hear the cries of the little girl as she admitted to sin after sin after sin.... and still begging to be loved. Knowing she was unlovable, yet needing so much to be loved.
I was so lost, yet somehow, I was found.
Mother has been whip-cracking.... I am dealing. God has been sustaining.
I am thankful today for :
friends who I talk on the phone with
generous brothers who help me out when my world is crashing (well, to be more specific, my only harddrive with all my everything on it)
same brothers who make up for being nice by killing you 20 times in Halo
having fun while beating up, throwing grenades at, and blowing up eachother
seeing how far I have come
tomato sauce (random, I know. I like it a lot)
water. Water to cleanse and to remove filth. To refresh and revitalize.
sleep
hearts
pens and paper, which communicate the soul across distance
words of love and care
fur and blue eyes, which depend on me so openly, teaching me what dependence with love can look like.
tears, the release of stress and portrayal of emotion
the color purple
the sound of keys clacking
the fact that it is warm outside, and green,
and the moon is round and full
and the world is asleep
and I will be too, soon.
ttfn.
If OneSurvivor would email me, I can send you the prize :) (no it is not a kitten)
I am feeling better. Tonight I managed to eat and not feel all that bad. The younger siblings seem to be catching some part of the bug. The baby threw up last night, and other little boy has been fussy and all. (Ps: there is probably nothing worse to do to an already sick-to-their-stomach person than to have them clean up throwup. Thank God for helpful little girls who are NOT (yet?) sick)
Oh, and I am finally sleepy.......all the time..... (can anyone say *rollercoaster**)
Packing has begun in earnest.
I have started to make a pile of boxes in my room. In sorting through all my junk, I came across some letters I had written in 2005, but never sent. It was amazing to hear the cries of the little girl as she admitted to sin after sin after sin.... and still begging to be loved. Knowing she was unlovable, yet needing so much to be loved.
I was so lost, yet somehow, I was found.
Mother has been whip-cracking.... I am dealing. God has been sustaining.
I am thankful today for :
friends who I talk on the phone with
generous brothers who help me out when my world is crashing (well, to be more specific, my only harddrive with all my everything on it)
same brothers who make up for being nice by killing you 20 times in Halo
having fun while beating up, throwing grenades at, and blowing up eachother
seeing how far I have come
tomato sauce (random, I know. I like it a lot)
water. Water to cleanse and to remove filth. To refresh and revitalize.
sleep
hearts
pens and paper, which communicate the soul across distance
words of love and care
fur and blue eyes, which depend on me so openly, teaching me what dependence with love can look like.
tears, the release of stress and portrayal of emotion
the color purple
the sound of keys clacking
the fact that it is warm outside, and green,
and the moon is round and full
and the world is asleep
and I will be too, soon.
ttfn.
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