When we were little, my father put us to bed whenever he was around. (By "put us to bed" I mean turn out the lights, sing to, and pray with)
His prayer was usually a typical prayer for him "...make ____ into a great man/woman of God, for Your glory,.... etc" His family vision has always been "to raise great men and women of God."
Somehow, while surrounded by such expectations and goals, I missed seeing how I mattered.
Coming across such inspirational statements as "You can change the world" and "Without you the world would be worse off" and watching movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" I would always think how I was not included in such statements. A form of mental distancing. "Yes, that is what they said, but the don't mean me because...."
Lately, trying desperately to salvage myself from chronic depression, I have been trying to see if any of them are true, if any of them actually might apply to me, and (mostly) if I can believe them.
A big part of this is believing "in myself". I have found that my self-acceptance level is directly tied to my mood and my depression.
I was made for a reason. A purpose ...or as Captivating puts it: An irreplaceable role in a great adventure.
Do I really believe that?
My insides churn and try to scream "NO!!!" My soul, now alive and in a fighting mood, jumps in screaming "Yes! Definitely! Don't you feel it?" and various other encouraging things as it lays punches all around and fights for all it is worth.
Somewhere along the way, a human being will pass by. Both sides stop suddenly and wait for the validation of it's cause. Usually, the soul retreats, the other side sulks and says: "I told you so."
When someone tells me otherwise, I cry. I cry because my soul is doing a victory dance over the knocked out churning part of me. I cry because I am not sure if I believe them. Because I fear they might be making it all up. Because I hope that someday I will laugh and be free from the inner struggle.
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Okay, this is going to seem hokey because it got so much play in the sixties (for obvious reasons) but it has always been dear to my heart and an inspiration to me, even once I embraced Christianity at a young age. It is the Desiderata, and it reads:
"Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927 "
The part that always helped ground me when the world (including family and church) started to overwhelm me and make me feel 'less than' was the part - 'You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.'
We all have a right to be here, and are important to God and have a reason for being. Never doubt that.
This week will be very difficult due to the move on top of everything else (and your parents' moods will probably be worse also) but please know that we are thinking of you out here and supporting you in our hearts.
Sara
This resonated with me: "My insides churn and try to scream 'NO!!!' My soul, now alive and in a fighting mood, jumps in screaming 'Yes! Definitely! Don't you feel it?' and various other encouraging things as it lays punches all around and fights for all it is worth." I wish I could express myself half as well as you do!
If God knows the number of hairs on our heads, he must also know the complicated needs of our hearts and souls, of which we ourselves are not always aware. There is a part of us that desperately needs to know we are of value. It's one thing to be told these things, but it's another to know it at the core of our being. If Christians (esp. those in authority over us) claim to represent God in our lives yet routinely shroud us with suspicion, spiritual micromanagement, accusations, anger, threats, and the presumtion of guilt until we prove ourselves innocent, how will we ever know how God truly feels about us?
The problem is we deeply internalize messages about ourselves that we've been taught since infancy, so it takes a lot of 'focusing on ourselves' to untangle truth from misinformation.
I'm glad you're taking time to discover just how exquisite and priceless you are to God, and how infinitely, unconditionally, and joyfully He loves you. I pray you'll find healing there.
I don't know you, and I'm not even sure how I found your blog, but I just wanted to say- God bless you and be with you as you come to realize just how much He loves you and delights in you! That's something I'm trying to learn myself. {{hugs}}
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