Friday's Grace

These past weeks I have been very introspective and working on personal things. I have been addressing my fears and really finding fresh evidence of God's care and provision all around. I just got back from my last interview with a store that I first went into Sunday afternoon. I got an application, turned it in wednesday night, had two interviews thursday and friday (today) and I should begin training next week!!!

Grace has also been a constant presence in the form of others who encourage me, who care about me, and who sacrifice for me. I have never really experienced this before (well, I guess discounting grandparents), but having people chat you every other night just to check up and see how things are going is awesomely touching. Having people call you even when they have other things to do and spend hours talking makes my whole week. Living with a family who has genuinely taken me as a part of themselves is super awesome. Being reminded every time that I DON'T have to do the dishes is awesome (I don't do them that often, either!). Being reminded that I am strong and beautiful is really good.

Grace is becoming more familiar to me, through repetition and through personal study. It is still baffling, but still so beautiful and necessary.

Absence

I have not posted in a while because my computer harddrive dies on my a bit ago.

I really, really, really love my car, and having my car. It is such a freedom to know that when you turn the key you have no one to answer to and nothing holding you back (obviously, this analogy only goes so far, I don't mean I disregard road rules and that my car flies [/disclaimer])

I have been putting full-time effort into the job hunt, and I am actually getting good return! I do a lot better when I can actually talk with people and explain myself and my personality and unique lack of record to them. Most people really don't mind that I have never held a job. Although, when you are filling out stuff online it sure looks like a gaping hole!!!

I am looking forward to throwing myself into a whole new world and being able to have responsibilities and payments and dues and stuff like that. Obviously, I will have situations that are going to be much like the horror stories I have been told of/heard about/etc (like having a supervisor hate you, or really bad co-workers) but I know that I can handle anything. And I say that in a very humble sense, looking back on all that I have come through. "Strong" is the word most people use who have known anything about my past. If I am really as strong as they think I am, I can ride the waves. I can handle it.

Positivity helps, right?

I Want to be Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Other Blog Post

I posted some thoughts on my other (old) blog.

If you could discuss it here so that things don't get linked between the two blogs, I would appreciate it.

The Worst of all Possible Reactions

"The heart," as Pascal said, "has its reasons that reason knows not of." Something in us longs, or hopes, maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. Our desire fights the assault of death upon life. And so people with terminal illnesses get married. Prisoners in a concentration camp plant flowers. Lovers long divorced still reach out in the night to embrace one who is no longer there. Its like the phantom pain experienced by those who have lost a limb. Feelings still emanate from that region where once was a crucial part of them, and they will sometimes find themselves being careful not to bang the corner of a table or slam the car door on a leg or arm long since removed. Our hearts know a similar reality. At some deep level, we refuse to accept the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or always will be.

Simone Weil was right, there are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction. Moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish had never begun. What are we to make of these messengers? How are we to interpret what they are saying? As the playwright Christopher Fry wrote,

The inescapable dramatic situation for us all is that we have no idea what our situation is. We may be mortal. What then? We may be immortal. What then? We are plunged into an existence fantastic to the point of nightmare, and however hard we rationalize, or however firm our religious faith, however closely we dog the heels of science or wheel among the starts of mysticism, we cannot really make head or tail of it.

And what does Fry say we do with our dilemma? The worst of all possible reactions:

We get used to it. We get broken into it so gradually we scarcely notice it.

(Desire , 8.9)
From the RHM daily readings

Joy

I got a taste of joy yesterday afternoon.

I found someone with a car in good condition and I got enough advice to know it was a good deal and all that.  When I was given a course about engines, made to lift the hood, identify the notches on the car frame where the jack goes, learn how to check oil, got my hands dirty and all that (great teacher, BTW, <3) I took off in a familiar direction where I knew there was country, hills, open space, and somewhere I was not totally familiar with.

I got good and lost.  Taking turns, going until I felt like not going, sticking my hand out the window and letting the wind mess up my hair.  It was glorious.
I turned the radio up high, and just let the station that it had been set to play (which happened to be a CCM station.  I never listen to CCM radio).  First, was a rather long song from Ecc. 3.  It could not have been more poignant.  THEN, By Your Side, by Tenth Ave. North came on.  God has such a sense of humor and I realized how much He loves me.  It brought tears to my eyes.  If I could have hugged the sky at that moment I would have.

Then, the radio went back to being annoying and talking and having songs I didn't recognize or like, so I turned it off and sat in silence.  I feel so happy and free and beautiful.
Last night my best friends in the entire world and I went out to sit by the river.  We talked and ate Italian Ice and had fun being together.

These moments are when I do not regret living.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

Friday's Grace

I love Hillary of Quivering Daughters' idea about blogging on Grace.







In thinking about it over the week, and I didn't come up with much.  I think I need to learn more myself before I say anything. 

However, on the radio last night was this song be Brandon Heath.

It is about grace.

It is about forgiving others.
It is about learning, growing and changing.
It is about a personal journey to healing.
About moving on and building new bridges.
About letting healing and grace take the stage.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same

I don't think this is a very composite post, or a very good at that. I have definitely come up with better. We are all looking for love. Fighting for healing. Seeking Grace.

Acculturation

In thinking about "culture shock" recently I said this:

I guess I have had culture shock on two drastically different levels, being an MK/TCK and coming "home" to a different culture than I was used to, as well as now leaving the "family bubble" and meeting the big, bad, ugly world.

I think depending on how prepared you are for it, and how your outlook is, it can be a good thing.  For instance, leaving home I knew I was going to be shocked on multiple levels, so hearing people talk crassly about sex and use cuss words I expected and I can blush deep red and go on with life.  I am expecting all manner of horrible things to happen, because part of the "Bubble Curriculum" is informing children about how terrible everything outside the bubble is and how it would destroy anyone without a similar bubble *queue a handful of sad examples.

On the other hand, coming to the US was very difficult for me...  All I really knew about this place was that it was "different" and had cold winters.  I had been here for a couple months in 2002, but I had gone about it with the air of a visitor or tourist, never imagining that in two years I would be living here "forever."  It took me almost 3 years to adjust and get to the point where I was "ok with" (not comfortable, but not intensely afraid) going around, meeting people, and the general tone/atmosphere of the country.

I also noticed after I wrote it that I have been taking steps to deliberately acculturate myself.  Watching TV and popular movies, listening to pop music, and allowing people to do things around me that would normally be an affront to my standards. (Oh, and explain a lot of things to me.  Like what a certain word or gesture means....*hem)
It is a pretty embarrassing process.  And I keep trying to find a balance.  I don't mind being innocent of a lot of stuff that other people never got to not know.  But I don't want to be innocently stupid, either.


An update about reading the Message:
I am enjoying Romans.  I flipped through the OT, and wasn't too interested.  I tried the Gospels for a couple pages and could not stand it.  I don't talk that way.  I don't read that way.  I mean, I grew up reading Les Miserables and The Robe and The Count of Monte Cristo.  I decided not to force myself, so I went on.  Acts is over-read and I don't care to read about doctrinal/church issues, so I landed in Romans.  It is interesting, seeing it as a paragraph in a chapter.  The lack of verses I really like.  I am going slowly, and most people would probably say I should read daily, but I don't.  When I remember I do.

In other news, I almost have my GED.  It has taken me an absurd amount of time and effort jumping all hoops and time requirements and assigned times.  I don't know my scores, but the proctor sure got to know me!  I finished reading before she expected (15 minutes) and in writing the day before I finished first as well.  I purposely took a long time in math, because I didn't want to be the first one done.  I sat and thought and wrote out a ton on my scrap paper and once one person finished I reviewed my figures and finished up. I was the 3rd.  Today is the final leg of tests.
Everything is pretty easy.  I should totally pass..... should.....