I remember just a couple weeks ago I remember telling someone that I didn't much care for P!nk's music. They said she was very "raw" or "realistic."
Tonight, I realized that I WAS FREE TO ENJOY her music if it spoke to me. I told the person that I took back what I said. They asked me why and I said: "Because she makes sense."
As far as blood-and-guts realism in music, you cant get better than this:
P!nk: Runaway
*note for some people who do not do loud/rock music:
JUST READ THE LYRICS
**coughSharoncoughcough
I found one with all the right words, although if you listen to it is more powerful.
I plan on making another update about work and some people anecdotes.
Working on stuff inbetween being sick, work, life, (and misc stuff I may announce soon) makes "stuff" go slow.
January 30, 2011
January 21, 2011
6 Months
About 6 months ago I was packing up the final pieces of my puzzle before I crept out of the house in the wee morning hours. I was afraid. I was dying inside. But I HAD to.
I fed my cats some special treats and tried to get an hour or so of sleep; knowing it would be a long time before I would be in a place where I could sleep again. I sat on my bed and mentally counted seconds, listening to the sounds of the house dying down and waiting for the lights to go out. I locked my door from the inside and shut my babies in until whomever next came and found that I was gone.
My feet hurt, because I had just spent two days walking around a rollercoaster-amusement park in bad shoes. I had large blisters that had broken and bled, even, that were making each step a chore. I had spent some precious time with my next-oldest brother, the one who would have everything on his shoulders after I left. I think he knew, by how I told him that I was enduring my parents and going just for him. But, he might not have known. We laughed and smiled and compared rides and giggled ourselves silly over his faces on the pictures that the ride-cameras took. We bought lunch at one over-priced booth instead of walking back to the car for sandwiches. I told him I would pay him back, and before I left I put a 20 by his bed.
I wrote notes for all my siblings, and I wanted to leave them in their rooms, but I didnt want to risk going upstairs and having anything be found prematurely, so I left them on my dresser and hoped against hope that someday they would be found again and someday they would read and understand a little of my reasons.
This evening I sat in my car filling out an application for promotion; thinking about my life and what I wanted for my future. Then I realized what date it was; and how absolutely ridiculous such thoughts/plans would have been 7 months ago.
As I began crying the one word I could think of was: happy.
My life now is, with a few exceptions, happy.
I went to the gym and swam; my head filled with re-lived memories and plans for what I might say to explain my lack of a resume and/or any kind of "qualifications" for the post I was aspiring to.
I couldnt go for very long, I ended up spending most of my energy on tears and emotion. I left feeling lightheaded and worn.
I came home and spent some time with the people I live with. I had bought a funny calendar and we enjoyed reading through it. I laughed. I REALLY laughed. Because I was happy. And it was amusing and sarcastic stuff.
Then I came up to my room; my safe, cozy, little space. And that is when grief hit. All that I missed; all that I lost, both by leaving and by living as I did before I left. My cats. My siblings. The nights we would watch "America's Got Talent" and get some knowledge of the pop-world from the demo-performers. The movies we had watched hundreds of times and could quote line for line. Rubber-band wars.
I guess I miss my family. I miss the love we had at times inbetween fights. The total familiarity with one-another. The fights and the mess and the chaos that was my "normal."
I dont miss a lot of things, and in a sarcastic tone my cynical side reminds me of the "bible studies" and lectures and all the brainwashing and hate-mongering and downright terrible things that I would wish on my enemies (I am cruel). But they are part of me, mixed up in all the baggage of past that weighs on the present and overshadows the future.
I almost didnt ask for that form. I was walking to my car and I thought about all the reasons why they should not pick me. And then I stopped and I told myself that the worst thing that they could do was turn me down, and I was already turning myself down, so I had nothing to loose.
Each decision; each step; small yet so important.
I fed my cats some special treats and tried to get an hour or so of sleep; knowing it would be a long time before I would be in a place where I could sleep again. I sat on my bed and mentally counted seconds, listening to the sounds of the house dying down and waiting for the lights to go out. I locked my door from the inside and shut my babies in until whomever next came and found that I was gone.
My feet hurt, because I had just spent two days walking around a rollercoaster-amusement park in bad shoes. I had large blisters that had broken and bled, even, that were making each step a chore. I had spent some precious time with my next-oldest brother, the one who would have everything on his shoulders after I left. I think he knew, by how I told him that I was enduring my parents and going just for him. But, he might not have known. We laughed and smiled and compared rides and giggled ourselves silly over his faces on the pictures that the ride-cameras took. We bought lunch at one over-priced booth instead of walking back to the car for sandwiches. I told him I would pay him back, and before I left I put a 20 by his bed.
I wrote notes for all my siblings, and I wanted to leave them in their rooms, but I didnt want to risk going upstairs and having anything be found prematurely, so I left them on my dresser and hoped against hope that someday they would be found again and someday they would read and understand a little of my reasons.
This evening I sat in my car filling out an application for promotion; thinking about my life and what I wanted for my future. Then I realized what date it was; and how absolutely ridiculous such thoughts/plans would have been 7 months ago.
As I began crying the one word I could think of was: happy.
My life now is, with a few exceptions, happy.
I went to the gym and swam; my head filled with re-lived memories and plans for what I might say to explain my lack of a resume and/or any kind of "qualifications" for the post I was aspiring to.
I couldnt go for very long, I ended up spending most of my energy on tears and emotion. I left feeling lightheaded and worn.
I came home and spent some time with the people I live with. I had bought a funny calendar and we enjoyed reading through it. I laughed. I REALLY laughed. Because I was happy. And it was amusing and sarcastic stuff.
Then I came up to my room; my safe, cozy, little space. And that is when grief hit. All that I missed; all that I lost, both by leaving and by living as I did before I left. My cats. My siblings. The nights we would watch "America's Got Talent" and get some knowledge of the pop-world from the demo-performers. The movies we had watched hundreds of times and could quote line for line. Rubber-band wars.
I guess I miss my family. I miss the love we had at times inbetween fights. The total familiarity with one-another. The fights and the mess and the chaos that was my "normal."
I dont miss a lot of things, and in a sarcastic tone my cynical side reminds me of the "bible studies" and lectures and all the brainwashing and hate-mongering and downright terrible things that I would wish on my enemies (I am cruel). But they are part of me, mixed up in all the baggage of past that weighs on the present and overshadows the future.
I almost didnt ask for that form. I was walking to my car and I thought about all the reasons why they should not pick me. And then I stopped and I told myself that the worst thing that they could do was turn me down, and I was already turning myself down, so I had nothing to loose.
Each decision; each step; small yet so important.
January 11, 2011
Forgive? Bah Humbug
Why You Should Not "Forgive" someone with a pattern of abusive/destructive behavior.
January 10, 2011
Happy Birthday
Today is my little sister's 10th birthday.
She was "my" baby. I woke up at night and took her to my mom when she needed to nurse. I rocked and sang her back to sleep at all hours of the night for hours. I was 10.
I loved her. When she was fussy she would want me to hold her. When others were tired of watching her I was the one in charge. When she was feeling bad I held her and rubbed her tummy.
When she was about 5 months old I remember being the first one to make her laugh. You know how babies are? That spot right under their chin that makes them burst out into hilarious laughter?
When my mom went on a furlough to the US when she was one and a half; I went along to care for her.
She was ever my sunshine. She had that bubbly, bright, happy personality that I had. She loved singing like I did and would walk around the house making up words and a tune in her own way. She is still ticklish most everywhere like I used to be, screaming with laughter whenever we tried to play with her.
She is photogenic and I was "the photographer." I would dress her up and put her in a spot near the window and let her shine. She could totally be a model.
She loves to dance, like I do, and thrives on people and social situations. She loves cats, and now that I cant be there to care for my babies, I hear that she has been their intercessor and care-taker. She was never allowed to have a cat because the sister right above her had a dog and I had cats, so she could play with mine.
I hear that she has not changed much. She is still young, and innocent.
I pray she stays that way. Not so much for me as for her own protection.
Life is a big ugly monster and the longer she remains as she is, the more time we have to hope things change before it eats her.
Last year my dad felt "ambushed" because kalipay (who had left home August) showed up to watch us and take pictures and congratulate everyone on their ribbons.
He firmly instructed my grandparents that he did not want it to happen again, and his long-standing threat is that if they participate in anything against him/helping us kids who are "out"/etc/etc he will cut them off from their grandchildren.
So, they called last week and let him know that she was planning on coming.
He vowed to make things "just as bad" for her and has had a week or so to plot his delicious revenge.
I still remember the first time I saw him for what he truly was. It was only for a moment, but like a flashback in a movie, I realized how craven and cruel he was.
He was talking about something during a "Bible Study" and said something entirely off-topic and nasty about someone who was once close to the family. I looked up shocked and saw that not only was he entirely serious, but he was mixing this poison and hate in with "Bible" and TEACHING it in his proud and authoritarian manner.
I could not believe what I heard and later that evening I called a friend and freaked out on her. I told her all the things I suddenly saw in him and called him names and then, shocked at myself, I began crying.
There wasn't much she could say. She did not have a very high opinion of my father anyway, so she merely sympathized with me and encouraged me in the road I was walking.
My little sister's birthday means nothing to him. In general, he would rather we not celebrate them at all. But today he has vowed to not let my oldest sister see/talk with/ or be near any of her younger siblings and he intends to chew her out for every offense against him and the almighty she has ever deigned to do.
Just pray for her, ok?
I would be there if I could, but I live so far away that I cant.
And besides that; just a couple texts from my mom the other day sent me into such a bad PTSD spiral that I know it would be disastrous for me to try actually seeing anyone.
She was "my" baby. I woke up at night and took her to my mom when she needed to nurse. I rocked and sang her back to sleep at all hours of the night for hours. I was 10.
I loved her. When she was fussy she would want me to hold her. When others were tired of watching her I was the one in charge. When she was feeling bad I held her and rubbed her tummy.
When she was about 5 months old I remember being the first one to make her laugh. You know how babies are? That spot right under their chin that makes them burst out into hilarious laughter?
When my mom went on a furlough to the US when she was one and a half; I went along to care for her.
She was ever my sunshine. She had that bubbly, bright, happy personality that I had. She loved singing like I did and would walk around the house making up words and a tune in her own way. She is still ticklish most everywhere like I used to be, screaming with laughter whenever we tried to play with her.
She is photogenic and I was "the photographer." I would dress her up and put her in a spot near the window and let her shine. She could totally be a model.
She loves to dance, like I do, and thrives on people and social situations. She loves cats, and now that I cant be there to care for my babies, I hear that she has been their intercessor and care-taker. She was never allowed to have a cat because the sister right above her had a dog and I had cats, so she could play with mine.
I hear that she has not changed much. She is still young, and innocent.
I pray she stays that way. Not so much for me as for her own protection.
Life is a big ugly monster and the longer she remains as she is, the more time we have to hope things change before it eats her.
Today is a big day for the kids, as they are doing a public demonstration of the "sport"/recreational activity that we all enjoyed. It happens once a year and this year is happens to fall on her Birthday.
Last year my dad felt "ambushed" because kalipay (who had left home August) showed up to watch us and take pictures and congratulate everyone on their ribbons.
He firmly instructed my grandparents that he did not want it to happen again, and his long-standing threat is that if they participate in anything against him/helping us kids who are "out"/etc/etc he will cut them off from their grandchildren.
So, they called last week and let him know that she was planning on coming.
He vowed to make things "just as bad" for her and has had a week or so to plot his delicious revenge.
I still remember the first time I saw him for what he truly was. It was only for a moment, but like a flashback in a movie, I realized how craven and cruel he was.
He was talking about something during a "Bible Study" and said something entirely off-topic and nasty about someone who was once close to the family. I looked up shocked and saw that not only was he entirely serious, but he was mixing this poison and hate in with "Bible" and TEACHING it in his proud and authoritarian manner.
I could not believe what I heard and later that evening I called a friend and freaked out on her. I told her all the things I suddenly saw in him and called him names and then, shocked at myself, I began crying.
There wasn't much she could say. She did not have a very high opinion of my father anyway, so she merely sympathized with me and encouraged me in the road I was walking.
My little sister's birthday means nothing to him. In general, he would rather we not celebrate them at all. But today he has vowed to not let my oldest sister see/talk with/ or be near any of her younger siblings and he intends to chew her out for every offense against him and the almighty she has ever deigned to do.
Just pray for her, ok?
I would be there if I could, but I live so far away that I cant.
And besides that; just a couple texts from my mom the other day sent me into such a bad PTSD spiral that I know it would be disastrous for me to try actually seeing anyone.
January 2, 2011
More Nightmares
I am really, really glad that I dont get them too often, but when they do come I am always panicked when I wake up. They fade eventually (right now I am working on trying to remember the details) but I still feel the fear and weight in my chest when I think about them.
Last night was a strange one.
As usual, all my dreams take place in our big house in the Philippines. I was in my parents room and I remember I was playing with the baby (I don't know which one of them it was, probably the littlest girl) when daddy came into the room and made her leave. I was left alone for a while with a sense of impending doom. Then when he came back; somehow he was forcing me to leave but blocking the door. I could not move from where I was because I was ashamed of something...
I woke up with a gasp and as I realized it was all a dream I relaxed and was able to sleep again....
Last night was a strange one.
As usual, all my dreams take place in our big house in the Philippines. I was in my parents room and I remember I was playing with the baby (I don't know which one of them it was, probably the littlest girl) when daddy came into the room and made her leave. I was left alone for a while with a sense of impending doom. Then when he came back; somehow he was forcing me to leave but blocking the door. I could not move from where I was because I was ashamed of something...
I woke up with a gasp and as I realized it was all a dream I relaxed and was able to sleep again....
January 1, 2011
Anew
Happy New Year, all.
I totally wish you the best of upcoming years.
I was definitely glad to see the year go.
It was definitely filled with the most change, upheaval, growth, and pain of any year. Although 2004 stands to be reckoned with, I think this year it lasted longer and seemed worse...
Especially the end of the year.
These past two or so weeks have been so emotionally draining that I am surprised I have come through as strong as I have.
I find myself not only working on myself but helping out others who need me. I am learning how hard it is to be a friend. I am learning bad words to call people whose guts I want to rip out. :P
I am still fighting some of the same, old battles of fear; and I am working hard to not be paralyzed by them.
I am still good at "canning" emotion and putting up a brave face and pretending nothing is wrong at work. I actually worked every day this week (except today) and still lived. I even smiled and laughed.
Today I have been going through facebook and doing my semi-annual "My Life Would Suck Without You" appreciation round for people who matter in my life and are making the difference in everything. It makes me cry to remember where I was and how far I have come. But in the "circular stairway" model of things in life, I have never come so far as it seems.
This year, life beings anew.
I have always hated making resolutions. Usually putting them off until the last day in January and then making a list of a whole pile of things that could take years to accomplish.
This year my one resolution is to save a certain amount of money. And I am not going to make any others. And I am going to FORCE myself not to make any others.
Why money?
Well, I need a bit of savings, so it is a good idea. And I can save small amounts, but I have a very bad record on self-control and I usually keep my resolve on any thing for a week... maybe two.
It is a big thing for me, and I know that if I can do this I will not only have done it, but I will have a very pretty nest egg that I can count on in the future. *minus inflation, etc, etc... >/
I am going to force myself not to make any others because the tendency of blaming myself for things and, of course, trying to fix myself so that everyone else's problems will go away. This year is going to be a no-pressure year.
I am who I am and I will serve God as me.
Begin anew.
I totally wish you the best of upcoming years.
I was definitely glad to see the year go.
It was definitely filled with the most change, upheaval, growth, and pain of any year. Although 2004 stands to be reckoned with, I think this year it lasted longer and seemed worse...
Especially the end of the year.
These past two or so weeks have been so emotionally draining that I am surprised I have come through as strong as I have.
I find myself not only working on myself but helping out others who need me. I am learning how hard it is to be a friend. I am learning bad words to call people whose guts I want to rip out. :P
I am still fighting some of the same, old battles of fear; and I am working hard to not be paralyzed by them.
I am still good at "canning" emotion and putting up a brave face and pretending nothing is wrong at work. I actually worked every day this week (except today) and still lived. I even smiled and laughed.
Today I have been going through facebook and doing my semi-annual "My Life Would Suck Without You" appreciation round for people who matter in my life and are making the difference in everything. It makes me cry to remember where I was and how far I have come. But in the "circular stairway" model of things in life, I have never come so far as it seems.
This year, life beings anew.
I have always hated making resolutions. Usually putting them off until the last day in January and then making a list of a whole pile of things that could take years to accomplish.
This year my one resolution is to save a certain amount of money. And I am not going to make any others. And I am going to FORCE myself not to make any others.
Why money?
Well, I need a bit of savings, so it is a good idea. And I can save small amounts, but I have a very bad record on self-control and I usually keep my resolve on any thing for a week... maybe two.
It is a big thing for me, and I know that if I can do this I will not only have done it, but I will have a very pretty nest egg that I can count on in the future. *minus inflation, etc, etc... >/
I am going to force myself not to make any others because the tendency of blaming myself for things and, of course, trying to fix myself so that everyone else's problems will go away. This year is going to be a no-pressure year.
I am who I am and I will serve God as me.
Begin anew.
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