March 28, 2011

Rambling

Sometimes I feel guilty.

Guilty because I have it so much better.
Nights like tonight where I am tired, but only because I have not been pushing myself as hard as I did this past couple of days.  Where I am happy, but other are heartbroken, depressed, and wreaked with pain and fear.  Where I am joyful in the love and support that people give me and others dont have at all.  Where I am warm and cared for and some wish for just one night of peaceful sleep.

I feel like I dont deserve the blessings and happiness that I have.  Whether from God or others.  My job, my friends who have not left me, my support system which fell into place and has not wavered for almost 10 months, the freedom I have to go and do and be...
If only I could cut off bits and pieces and give them away so I dont have to be so guilty of being happy.

I have so many things to be grateful for.  But when I leave my own happy world and see others' in their morass of loneliness and pain and lack and loss...

What made me have all this?
I dont deserve it any more.
I didnt earn it.
I feel guilty for having it.

March 22, 2011

Life (3)

"All things proceed apace..."

*aka: a quote from somewhere that popped into my mind right now and it sounded nice.
But life does proceed.  I am learning and adjusting better, I think.  Support from others is still what keeps me going.  I dont know where some people get the extra strength and love to pour into me, but without them I would not be where I am.

Things have gotten really smooth and familiar at work.  I took a break of a couple days to have a "vacation" of sorts over Spring Break and when I came back it was so familiar and dear to me.  Everyone was still there, smiling and welcoming, and the customers have been just as funny, annoying, and pleasant, and upsetting as ever.  However, in becoming familiar I am also making more silly mistakes. (Not giving people their receipt, not talking as much to some people, and it was reported to me that I did something bad in juice bar that almost got a customer complaint lodged against me; but S. saved me.)
Comfortable, but never forget to remain cautious.

Life on the 'home-front' has been changing slowly.  As people grow and change, changes happen in the day-to-day that affect the rest of us.  Mrs. G has other responsibilities now that keep her busy most of the day, so we dont talk as much; unless one of us makes time.  However, she is still there for me, and I try to be there for her by doing cleaning around the house or listening when she is excited about something.


My vacation (I know you are all dying to hear about that) was great.  I was able to meet up with my grandparents, as well as friends and the "unknowns" who helped me get out.  It was wonderful sharing with them about my life and how things were going down here.  I went out with my best friend and got my cartilage pierced, which was an adventure in and of itself!  It wasnt as painful when it was happening as later when it wouldnt stop bleeding.!!!!  The thing was that we (BFF and I) were going to meet up with people and go out to dinner after.  So, on a Friday night we try to go out to eat (can anyone say BIG mistake?); and I was bleeding slowly but steadily from my ear; and in a state of pain which put me in a rather bad mood.
I can laugh about it now, but it was definitely the kind of day/night that goes down in memory as infamous.

I am now "one of those" people with a cartilage piercing and I am enjoying having it there.  Definitely looking forward to the 6 weeks at which point it will have 'healed' and being able to switch it out. :D


In other news: I am going to be seeing my parents in less than a month.  There is a big thing coming up for my oldest younger sibling and everyone (repeat: EVERYONE) was asked to attend.  I am not sure what to expect, but my memory/imagination has not been a help to me in visualizing what will go down.
Last time we had all the family and extended family together like this was at the surprise 19th  Birthday party they threw for me.  That was tons of fun and hugely memorable, but it was also before my sister left or any other "issues."
It will be my first time seeing the family or the children since July, so it will be extra hard for me. 
I hope to be able to get through it without having to leave to compose myself.  I also have a safe place to crash afterwards, so I wont need to worry about keeping it up for long.
At this point I am just working through things with myself and trying to prepare for seeing the little ones.