April Fools

As they say: Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.
~~~PS: The title has nothing much to do with the post or the contents thereof.

I have this mistaken view of relationships/friendship that I need to work on.
I think that I need to be the happy, upbeat, strong person I am when I am "normal" or happy and when I am not feeling that way, I fake it.  Somehow I feel that being honest would be a real let-down for the people who like me/are friends with me.  I "need" to be extroverted all the time because that is what people expect.

It makes it worse when I feel that I cant be honest with people who really love me.  I KNOW they would not be upset if I was honest and they would help me.  But I dont want their pity.  I dont want their help.  I dont want them to know that I am down tonight and I would rather fake happy and shallow conversation than have that awkward silence when I am crying and they cant do anything about it.
It is a vicious cycle. 

I got so offended the other day when someone said something about me having a lot of spare time and not having a hectic schedule or life.  I felt like they were dismissing all my emotional struggles and PTSD and whatnot as "easy to deal with."  I got really persnickety with them and bitter and before I realized it I was holding a grudge.... against a dear, dear friend!
And then I feel somewhat of the exact same thing when I have a day without work.
Or, when I am in the middle of work and I am tired and bored and I think about quitting...


Honestly, this whole post sounds like much ragging.

I wish, at times like this, that I was still a teenager, so I could dismiss it all on angst or something.
That is basically what it is.  Depressed anxiety.
My best friend posted something about today being your last day.  My first thought was that I would do something crazy and spend all my money and go out with a bang.  And then my next thought was that it would all be a waste anyway, and I might as well just die now.


There are days when I am happy.  I love life and the people in mine. 
I can put all the junk aside and really smile and enjoy.
But not all the time. 
Thinking eventually kicks in, and blocking emotion, along with being unhealthy, works on both the bad and the good.  I cant feel happy if I dont feel sad.

And, on that note: a sweet/sad country song for deep thinking