Rambling

Sometimes I feel guilty.

Guilty because I have it so much better.
Nights like tonight where I am tired, but only because I have not been pushing myself as hard as I did this past couple of days.  Where I am happy, but other are heartbroken, depressed, and wreaked with pain and fear.  Where I am joyful in the love and support that people give me and others dont have at all.  Where I am warm and cared for and some wish for just one night of peaceful sleep.

I feel like I dont deserve the blessings and happiness that I have.  Whether from God or others.  My job, my friends who have not left me, my support system which fell into place and has not wavered for almost 10 months, the freedom I have to go and do and be...
If only I could cut off bits and pieces and give them away so I dont have to be so guilty of being happy.

I have so many things to be grateful for.  But when I leave my own happy world and see others' in their morass of loneliness and pain and lack and loss...

What made me have all this?
I dont deserve it any more.
I didnt earn it.
I feel guilty for having it.