thoughts

You know those times when it is 2am and you roll out of bed (still) wide awake, tired of staring at a dark ceiling and trying to fall asleep?
Times like this make you start thinking about stuff because thinking is all you have left to do.  My reading is done, my laundry is folded and put away, the desk arranged, the clothing for work tomorrow laid out, plans for the day on a mental list, shopping from the afternoon put away or taken care of, receipts logged and bank account managed, bed made with newly washed sheets.....

So I sit here bored, and the thoughts come.  That is the last thing I want.  I make notes on my calendar.  I make sure my alarm is set for the morning.  I go downstairs and get some tea.  I plan out christmas gifts.  I do anything to avoid thinking.

Because it hurts.
And when I hurt I have no other recourse but to deal with it.  Either by blocking, stuffing, healing, processing..... (option e: all of the above).  I have to do something because I cant un-think.
I can sit here and type words on a white space, and then with a backspace key I can remove all of them.  I could even delete this entire post with a couple key strokes.  They say that the only thing in life you can control is yourself....  and if we are honest we are so bad at controlling even that.

I have to fight to keep from tears sometimes when feelings of inferiority and fear overwhelm me.
I have to work to get over depression, more arduous than a mountain climb, I have to fight panic attacks and PTSD. 
I have yet to successfully control my mouth and caustic tongue.
I cannot seem to control the thoughts others have drummed into my head or made me think.

And as I sit here mired in self-pity and hopelessness I feel one thing.  tired.
So tired of working so hard and not 'getting anywhere.'
Tired of dissapointing people I love.
Tired of trying and failing.
Tired of not being who I want to be/what others want me to be/what I-andor-others think I should be.
Tired of longing for a future and a hope that some crazy prophet said was in store.
Despite consistent and personal insistence from people that they love me and are there for me I feel alone.
So hopelessly tired and alone.


But you know what will get me through this?
love

Love will eventually help me sleep.  And love will hold me after they read this and tell me that crying is ok and being depressed is ok and that I can stop fighting once in a while and just collapse.
Love will protect me ans shield me.  It wont save me from pain and it wont take away the hard times in life and the tough decisions I have to make, but it will help me make the right ones and it will encourage me to keep working through the mess. It will stop and wait with me as I take a breath and calm the racing of my heart.  It will not censure me for being weak and helpless, and afterwards it will hold me and tell me that it is proud that I didnt give up.

And I wont give up.  Because what other option do I have?