The Crash

It came.

I didn't sleep until 6am today.  I sat up on the computer watching youtube videos because when I tried to lay down and sleep I could not stop crying. 

It began the other day when my friend needed intense support.  I was glad I could be there for her, and I would do it again.  However, when I hung up after over two hours on the phone I suddenly realized how low I was on emotional energy.  Its funny, I thought I was fine, and then I crashed.
I went to the pool and swam until I was so tired I was shaking.  On the walk home I cried and cried.
The rest of the night I sat like a bum on the laptop.
Yesterday I tried to ignore life, or doing anything in general.  I did go across the street and babysit for a widowed single mother.  She offered for me to go out to a bluegrass festival with her and the kids, but I knew I was not in the condition to enjoy it.  I came home and crashed into my very warm and forgiving pillows.  I woke up around 9pm and made myself a nice dinner.  Then, I jelled in front of the TV until midnight.
I was almost asleep when a depressing and very powerful song came into my mind and would not stop repeating.  The usual cure for that is listening to said song and then fading it out with other music.  However, the series that I have been writing was also floating through my mind.  I sat down at the computer to listen and began writing.  I wrote three chapters, before I hit a chord that I did not know was so tender.

I sobbed and sobbed.  My friend's problem was so similar in this area that it must have freshened the memory in my mind.  It is amazing how an article on forgiveness had just been brought to my attention.  A major part of forgiving is the grieving process.  I did not know how deep my grief ran, but I found out.

I really wanted to call someone.....actually, just about anyone, but I could not go over to where the phone was and dial.  It was like there was a wall blocking me.  I couldn't think of anyone who would really understand, on a real level. 
So, I just sat on the computer and burned time.

Around 5:30 I dared to lay down again.  Immediately, I began crying.  Eventually, I fell asleep, holding tight to my pillow.
Mrs. G woke me up a little after 1pm, asking me if I had slept well.  I told her how the night went and she apologized for waking me up and encouraged me nicely.

I have been laying low today, not doing much, not trying too hard on anything.

I am writing out my High School work and making up a transcript for myself.  An accredited HS degree is just around the corner.  I get big credits on Classical Greek, Bible, and Classical Literature. :P