They Told Us Lies

My brain is a harsh and cruel place.  Sometimes I hate being stuck in it and with it and I would do just about anything to get away for a while, or even forever.

We were driving by a mega-church this morning, and there were little kids on a hayride driving around the borders of the expansive church property.  They were enjoying the warm fall day and waving at the people in the cars driving by with little-kid innocence and abandon.
My companion said: "Awww, look at those cute kids waving"
My Brain thought: "Its a shame, they are there because their parents attend that terrible mega-church and they are probably being indoctrinated in the newly-built mega-wing that is going to be a school."


Sometimes I blame it on my parents and the teachers they listened to and who they let teach me and my siblings.  Because THEY TOLD US LIES.
And being lied to does something to a brain and a heart and to a child's person that is hard to take back of fix or heal.
They lied to us.
They lied.

They told me that if I ever left home, and my father's umbrella of protection I would never be successful.  No one would hire me or see my good qualities and I would never make it.  I would turn out having to sell my body as a last resort and probably end up pregnant and homeless and a drug addict. 
They told me that if I learned to be "Independent" I would never be loved and no guy would want me because I would never be able to work with him or have a giving and sharing relationship.
They told me if I had sex with a guy without some kind of long-term commitment (marriage, etc) that he would use me and then abandon me when he was tired of me.
I was told that if I seek I would find.  I was told that "God" would respond to an open and desiring heart.  I was told that I would find peace at home with my family and a true calling.
I was told that pursuing higher education was pointless and a waste of money because my "highest calling"  was marrying some man I was told was a good man and having 15 of his children.
I was told that my intelligence was only for teaching kids and not for changing the world.
And I was told not to develop ME because what God wanted from me was to be the mirror of some man.


And all of that was LIES.

So now, 2 years away from all of it, and I am still fighting for my life. 
Literally, for my every day-by-day waking moment to be free and to find out the truth.
And I have to fight against my cruel instincts and my head which seems to want nothing more than to destroy all my progress so far.

But I keep fighting.
Because giving up is a lie.