Therapy Diaries

"One of your best assets is that Tenacity of yours..."

I looked up and he was smiling kindly at me.

"How would you summarize what I've been saying so far?" he asked suddenly.
He had never asked me that before.  And I tilted my head and tried to put together a cohesive sentence in the jumble of things that came up today...
"I'm thinking 4 or 5 words..." he tried to help me along.

"Go your own way?" I tried.

His face split into a big smile.  He like that and liked the wording and the fact that I was on the right track.
"Mine was going to be 'You are underestimating yourself.'"

He had me again.  Large warm tears came spilling out.  It had been a while since I sobbed in Therapy, so I didnt bother getting a tissue.  I dont know how it always seems to happen like this.  I did NOT want to go to therapy that morning.  It was so warm in bed and I was so tired from a long week and an emotional altercation too fresh for much inspection.  I went anyway and tried to think up plausible manipulative things to say to get out of a double session this week. 
Sometimes, I go knowing it is the best thing for me.  But today I went knowing that I had promised others and most of all myself that I would make the effort to get better for myself and for my future.  And I couldnt get out of that promise.  Yet, as always, I left feeling like no matter what awful terrible things life could throw at me, I could handle it.

Tenacity.  He said it was remarkable and a good thing and that he wanted me to keep going and keep working on the goals I had set for myself.  Because in the end he said I would be triumphant.  I could find my ceiling and break through and find a new ceiling. 
Because I couldn't control his thoughts, or how he judged people. 
Because I wasnt going to try to win in a losing system.
Because I could find my role and not confuse it with someone else's.
Because I didnt have to be dependent on anyone, no matter how easy it was/is to fall back into that mode.
Because what other people say about me is none of my business.

Because I am.  Things are.  There is no deeper meaning or message to life.  So many things merely are and exist as a function of cause and effect and choice; that attempting to perform harsh introspective surgery to wrest some divine imprint is foolishness. 

"The door handle IS," I tell myself.  Besides performing it's duty it is of no consequence to me.
And so I keep plugging away at life.... oh yes... my enduring tenacity.
But also learning to find happiness.