Understand

I dont understand.

It all comes down to those three words.
I did something today that was bold and unprecedented.  It was something I had thought about doing but never dared do.  Today I did it and it left me crying, curled up on the floor, and shaking all over.
It really challenged my view of authority and while it was good for me it was very very hard for me.

And then I found myself once more barraged by my past.
I dont really talk about God much any more because I dont understand.  On one hand I feel guilt for how I am acting spiritually, but on the other hand, doing what I think I might should be doing out of guilt is a WRONG reason to do what I might should be doing.

The scriptures say to test God.  To try Him.  To taste and see.
The scriptures say not to test God and not to doubt and not to quench the Holy Spirit.

Which is it?  I am by no means closed.  I have in the past begged him for something to help me and I feel as yet alone and un-assisted.  I have rudely demanded things for other people as proof, and still, things seem to hang by the same delicate thread, same as always.

I dont understand how I can be so broken and still be loved.
I dont understand why if he cares I am left broken and still have to fight against all the wrong that was ingrained in me.  I dont understand how I can be told right and left stuff that I 'should' be doing that is going to solve my issues that just doesnt.  If it works for them, why not for me?
As much as I want to believe, songs of 'surrender' and 'devotion' and 'when-I-reach-my-end-you-are-there' dont move me any more.  How much more removed from selfishness do I have to be?  What other things do I have to lose or give up?

I just dont understand any more.
I have tried.  I am getting tired of trying.  I want to know and to be able to be satisfied.
I want to stop crying and have 'peace' or whatever it is.  How much more do I have to want it before he noticed?