Looking Ahead: Holidays

Holidays are always a difficult time for me, personally.
Everyone is talking about "family" and I have absolutely nothing that is not negative, cynical, or bitter to respond with.  I have one really awesome family member (my sister) and she is treated similarly.

 I have not been able to communicate with anyone but my mother for the longest time.  Of course, communicating with my father is something I would rather have another pap smear than do.

The other kids chose to believe the parents or are too young.  Attempts to get the only other one who got a GED one into community college or trade school have been somewhat successful. 

"Family" hurts me.  The word, the concept, the idea.  I never understood Dobson's insistence on family meals.  By the time all the kids got served the boys were done with firsts and asking for seconds.  With strictly rationed meat portions, they filled up with veggies and rice.  Some of the younger kids had to be fed by older kids and communicating in front of parents was so fake it was painful.  "What did you do today" has no meaning when one has not left the house in a week and everyone else in the house has been there all week as well.  Hearing my father talk was something we just had to put up with living with. (grammar-less much?)
The idea of a family get-together never held much appeal because of the awkwardness.  My father was openly spiteful about and to his mother-in-law.  He argued with his own parents a lot and the two sets of grandparents were so different in personality and style that having them together was always strained.
Having them apart was always fun.  They would play games and provide some break in routine.  And, my grandfather allowed us to have all the condiments we wanted when he was supervising mealtimes. yay!

But most of all, family hurts because my children were torn from me.  I was not able to stay and care for them.  I was not able to take them with me.  I am not able to see or speak to them.  I raised them for about ten years each and then they were gone.  I cannot fathom the lies they hear about me on a daily basis.
Family hurts because when I look into the future I dont have a model for how I want to be.  I dont have anything to look forward too. 
And the holidays hurt because people naturally assume that you go see relatives and family and have fun and enjoy.  Well, being that my family refuses to celebrate "pagan" holidays they wont be celebrating, and seeing them would put me in a mental state that I have no wish to be in.
Can I just say that I am looking forward to partaking again in mental-health visits when I get healthcare next year? Thanks, Congress and Romney and Obama!  My mental health was always a worry to me.  But I have the feeling that maybe a better brain will be my present all next year.  And maybe the 2014 holidays wont be so painful?