"Our Children's Hearts"

When I hear people talk about "our children's hearts"  I feel like using both of my fight-or-flight instincts.  It makes me so mad, on one hand, and so afraid on the other.  I usually end up not saying anything, waiting for the discussion to be over.

If anyone ever asks me what I think, I will try to tell them something like this:

By asking the question, are you assuming that you should have it?
Are you saying you are worthy of it?
Are you a good caretaker for it?
Can you learn from it?
What do you plan on doing with it?
How will you keep it?
Can you not use it as a weapon against them?
Will you give it back to them?
Will you teach them how to use it?
Will you teach them how to guard it/keep it for their own?


How they answer any of these should show me easily whether or not they are truly concerned about the issue, whether they are worth it or not.
Because what is the "heart" of a child/person anyway?

I postulate that it is our trust.  Our vulnerability.

While it is most often used in the context of "love" and romantic emotions concerning marriage, I think what is the most at stake is the girl's trust in this young man.  Is she willing to stake the happiness of her future on his promise?

Trusting in people is the most vulnerable and scary things about relationships.  You give them your "heart."  They can do multiple millions of things to hurt you and break your trust, but you give it anyway, willing to stake your potential heart-breaking on being vulnerable to them.
Young children give it when they take their parents word for things. (This is one reason why I think no parent should ever lie to children.  Even "harmless" lies like Santa or being dropped off by a stork.)  Your children trust you to tell them the truth.  To love them.  To be there for them.
As they grow older, they can learn to trust other people, like extended family and friends.

I think the most important question that parents should be asking is not "How do I get my child's heart?" but "How can I raise my child and not betray the trust they have in me?"

Because, if they do betray that, like all hurt in relationships, there is a painful break up.  Like a sea-anemone when you get near it, or touch it.  It pulls in and hides, wary, scared, and hurting.


I think parent's utmost efforts should be to maintain that trust. To make sure the child has no reason to fear them, or what they would do, or how they would react.  They have been entrusted by God with a valuable and extremely vulnerable human soul.  A Life.
Some people would love to see you mold and shape and beat and train and chastise and perfect that soul.
Most of them would claim that NOT doing this will ensure your child's demise into a sinning wastrel.
They then claim that after doing this, you must expect (or just demand) that the child still continue to trust you in everything and allow you to manage their "heart" for them.

They wonder why children lack trust in their parents.  Why the youth of today would rather do anything than go to church or be taught by their parents.  They wonder why families fall apart.  Why children run away in the dark of the night, fearing to be found and caught, like slaves before the Civil War.  Why parents cannot allow their adult children to live separate, individual lives.

Forget trying to find or get anything.  Love, and let live.
Love, and watch thrive.