We were never allowed to watch Disney movies. When I was little, I remember we watched Snow White, but the humidity and time turned it moldy (as happened to all our Video cassettes eventually).
Later on, we found Cinderella and Peter Pan on VCD (it is a strange concept, a DVD on a CD, only without any options...) and we watched them semi-regularly. When we were on furlough here in the US, I found their stash of movies, and could not resist watching them. I watched the Aristocats, Little Mermaid I and Little Mermaid II.
Yes, I got in trouble.
I was told that I had wasted the time to fellowship, and I was disobedient for watching films that were not exactly approved. I was told to write a paper about the rebellion of the Little Mermaid (which was eventually forgotten...so I never did write it) and what negative consequences she should have suffered.
I have mentioned this a couple times, but I guess now is as good a time as any to say it.
I have a very open, bubbly--what is known as "sanguine" personality. I will usually be more inclined to laugh than frown, and a good joke will always have me laughing. I like people, and I will be your friend of you talk to and are accepting of me.
Oh, and if any of you have heard of love languages, I am mostly a "touch" person. I will totally hug you over talking to you. In second place is gifts. I remember making little trinkets for everyone and anyone whose company I enjoyed.
Combined, I am an open and friendly person who enjoys being with and around groups.
One of the hardest things about my childhood, was being told that how I was, as a person was not suitable for adult company. My father told me that hugging my friends was inappropriate, and talking to/over/with people in my sanguine way was "immature".
I eventually vowed never to use that word, I hated it so much.
Being the third child, I watched my eldest sibling "come out" from the sidelines. At her big birthday party bash, I had to go home, and was not allowed to stay up with "The Youth".
(I don't think she had much choice in the matter, so I do not hold her responsible) I craved being with people. I wanted to socialize and be part of "The Youth".
But in order to do that, I had to be 3-4 years older, and "mature". For years, I put it on my New Years resolutions. I tired and tried to "be mature" and my diary records the nights I spent in penance for messing up. And messing up one time was all it took for whatever privileges I had earned through months of watching and trying.
What I did not realize as a pre-teen was that "immature" was the definition of my unique personality. It was being friendly, it was enjoying everyone exuberantly. It was being gregarious and loud and silly.
And I did not realize that I could not change WHO GOD MADE ME. His fingerprint on my personality were irrevocable.
To this day there are still voices in my head telling me to be quiet, fold my hands and be quieter. I still struggle with who I am as a person, and who I should be. How much of myself I should let out. How much won't scare people away. Won't make them look down on me for being childish.
Recently, I have been watching movies on youtube, and one that I found was a "modern" fairy tale--Enchanted. It was rather cheesy, definitely shallow on plot, and totally predictable. But I realized how much I have always loved fairy tales. I love how open and sunshiny the "Princesses" are. How so many things work to crush their happiness, but they smile and sing through it. I want life to be like a fairy tale....and I have that irrepressible voice inside me telling me that this is how I was made. I find myself laughing cynically and being depressed one day, and the next day I will be laughing and bouncing around...and wondering if it is OK.
The Country song American Honey (although it doesn't really apply to me) has become a real favorite. I can't say I grew up so idyllically, but I love how they try to see life through adult words and a child's eyes.
Get caught in the race of this crazy life,
Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind...
There's a wild, wild whisper blowing in the wind
Calling out my name like a long lost friend
I guess it is another way I am trying to find out who I am. Who I am free to be. And most of all: who God made me to be!
4 comments:
Ahhh those old voices. They often try to drown out God's voice. Sometimes you have to stop and consciously choose which voice to follow and it can be hard but there is always rest, peace, and growth in following the Lord's.
Have you considered writing fairy tales / stories? There is so much power in the different genres of fiction and sometimes you (and your characters) can say more than we can through other channels.
I loved "Enchanted," there are so many cool things and puns in that story. And it was a cute love story, too.
I have to admit, sometimes I watch subbed Taiwanese or Korean dramas online - I do research the plot ahead of time to make sure it's not going to be showing stuff I'm not OK with, but in general it's a lot easier to find clean ones of those then it is to find anything American that's clean. They do tend to be super fairy taleish, so whenever I am feeling the need for that I tend to start watching one...
I've often laughed at myself for liking goeey sentimental happily ever after stories but like you, I did eventually figure out that God made me that way and it is OK to enjoy those sometimes.
L
You are a beautiful person and your bubbly, people-oriented happy self is a gift from God to the world.
Remember the song, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"? Well, shine on.
I believe God is most glorified when we are free to be authentically who He created us to be. Don't let your parents faulty religion be the bushel basket that keeps your light from reaching those God intended you to shine upon.
Interesting new twist on authority being your "covering", no? Not exactly a good thing...
^^Shadowspring, good thoughts, there!!!!!!
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