I have been wrestling for a while now with how to act. I am still at home (in case anyone missed that point) and I have been having some hit-and-miss trys at how to live peaceably with men yet not be a doormat in the process.
I am an adult. I have my own person, my own rights, and my own life. How do I reconcile that with living in a Patriarchal, communist household? I need to be submissive, but do I agree with everything? I need to honor my parents, but should I kiss up to them and act like I am the perfect daughter?
I need to be honest with myself. It is something I have been working on understanding more and more as time goes on. So much of the self-hatred and stuff that goes on is when I am trying to (1) change my thoughts/reactions and (2) trying to convince myself of something that I may or may not personally believe.
I have been stopping lately and asking myself: What is your reaction to this? Why do you feel this way? Is this justified, or justifiable? It this wrong or not necessarily? What are you going to do about it?
Things like that help me to be honest. Our conditioning teaches us to think first of what is “right” and to then put down any other urges that are (have to be) from Satan as a temptation to get you to sin.
In being honest (how do I feel about this) I can look at the things that I have been taught and evaluate them based on logic and sense. The biggest area I am concerned with now is lying. Is it OK to “lie” to my parents and not tell them the counter-patriarchy things I am thinking/reading/passing on/promoting? (My mother would definitely qualify this as deceit, if not a lie, because you are not being fully truthful)
I have been trying to figure out if I should lie and agree (either because they want an answer or by silence) with them even when I want to roll around in laughter or scream in desperation at the crazy things they are saying. Or how about when I try to talk with the children? Is it ok to “influence” them in a way that would probably get me grounded for eternity or booted out?
I have decided that for now I need to change how I have myself in the pecking order and such of the house. The best way to describe the emotional and literal state of me at this point is Nanny/Housekeeper. I cook, clean, and watch the children. I do as I am told and I am not expected to have an opinion most of the time.
Suddenly, it clicked for me. In this mindset, I don't have to contradict my mother. I would not contradict the woman of the house where I was working. She may believe and do as she likes. She is supposed to have me work and do things around the house. I should expect jobs like this and griping would get me fired.
Here, I am provided with a room, about $50 a month (for cat upkeep) and medical care. I have food and clothes and in return I am the maid. I must say, I could do better elsewhere!!
It is working for peanuts to be sure, but the clincher is my emotional connection with the children.
I have it to the point where I can be just about emotionless with my parents. I still remember vividly my mother being so hurtful to me (I don't remember what or why, I believe I was 12 or 13) that I decided not to cry at her death or funeral. I vowed to laugh when she died. It was the utmost on my power I could do to harm her. But I have not breathed a word of this to anyone. My father I have not respected for a long time, and I care very little for him. Being emotionless is hard, because I know that it is not how it SHOULD be. I should run to and hug my parents when I see them. I should be able to really care. But I don't. I tried to hug my mother the other day. It was terrible. I never even got close to her. Maybe something is wrong with me, but it seems the easiest (maybe best?) way to keep on trying here.
Like I said, my biggest problem is how to relate (in the maid mindset) to the children. I very much love them. I try to talk, but I get “reported” to the thought police. I want more than anything to give them knowledge, independence and freedom, but I really don't know how.
I forget every now and then who I am (who I need to be right now) and things go bad. Then, I remember and shut up. Pray for me. I am really trying hard and seem to be getting nowhere.
4 comments:
you're really brave. Seriously, I didn't even attempt to talk to my siblings for that reason - even though I really wish that I could have told my brother...*hugs* sometimes the best thing you can do is just hold them, so they know you love them.
One of the hardest things to learn as you grow up is that people who are they are and we are not required to change them or agree with them, just to love them and maintain our personal dignity and sense of ourselves. It's hard, but it's the stage where you are right now. Learning how to relate to your parents as an adult and not a child is the task of every adolescent/young twenty-something, so in that you are right on track really. You're really striving for mutual respect but sadly in an environment that doesn't recognize the 'mutual' part of the task. If you can just decide to be respectful (of all of them, as people, not just as 'required of children to parents etc) and not argue points with them, holding your own viewpoints knowing that arguing isn't fruitful there, then I think you will be happier. I do think that as long as staying serves a purpose (not just for the children under you, but for yourself) then it is a good idea to stay for a short time longer. I would consider your goals in life and how you are moving toward them while you remain there. Are you in school? Then staying may serve you well for a couple years until you have enough education to get a proper job you can be independent with. You know? As for the younger children, loving them and letting them see you as an example as you mature and move away eventually, and how you maintain your own dignity and sense of who you are in spite of your upbringing will be a tremendous help to them as they grow, whether you speak to them plainly now or not. And if they know you will be an open door to them later on when they are going through what you are will be a great blessing to them down the road. You can be there, on the outside, waiting if they need you to break free later on. I hope this helps. I know it's hard now, but time moves quickly and as long as you have a goal and are moving toward it while you are living at home you can make it work if you are resourceful. You are well-educated and insightful. I think you have the skills to make it work. Love you, sweetie. Sara
I pray you can get out.
Have you contacted a nanny service? You are certainly well-qualified to be a nanny and then you could be out of your parents house and earning your own money. Since many nanny jobs include room and board, you could save for training for other careers while you sort out your future.
Just one of many possibilities out there for you, but a good one that you could move on relatively quickly if you ever needed to do so. Worth checking out even if you decide it's not for you.
Here's just one of many links:
http://www.nannynetwork.com/Library/NannyLib/FindNannyJob.cfm
I relate to the struggle to change the way you think...to deal with the conditioning of childhood. I know it was a real inner battle for me to try and figure out how I could respect myself and not be at war with my parents. For me...it took my second marriage to get a handle on it. But that was because my background is a bit different than yours. Mine is ritual abuse. However, there was a certain amount of rigidity in the home, too. I have found that a lot of my childhood was just an illusion.
I applaud your straightforward way of looking at this. I see you trying to change yourself while maintaining your dignity. Not an easy thing to do. You could just run away, but you are choosing to stay and work on things. That takes courage.
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