Right now, I feel like I am treading murky waters.
Fear has a vice-grip on my mouth. I don't want to tell people, even people who say they love me, things that I fear they won't understand or might not be able to handle.
There are so many things I want to say/scream...and I am to afraid to say them.
My mom talked to me a long time tonight about her journey and what "those women" needed to know. She had very little understanding, she belittled emotional abuse, said we needed to get a grip. She said that blogging was like spewing our depression out into the world and it was terrible. She said that if you kept it between you and god you would get a special reward and that you would grow, instead of having one big online pity-party for yourself.
She said that "these people" drag their "terrible" (quote-unquote) lives around with them and they are always depressed and whining. "There is no healing in that!"
It got to me....but like I noticed....she has no idea. Of course we drag our troubles around. The very core of our personality and life has been affected by our upbringing. You don't just "get the victory" when you pray. It isn't about "bringing every thought captive".
It is about LIFE. It is about how I can find GOD, and redemption, and FREEDOM from all the junk that follows me.
I guess I am just having a hard time tonight.
But there are people out there who love me.....
6 comments:
You are loved, little one. This is no pity party, it's compassion, support, and celebration of life, the very life that God gave you to live fully in Him. Your mother has been taught to not understand, she has a faulty teaching. It's been her whole life and she cannot now let herself believe any differently. But God knows your heart and your yearnings and he loves you. He has gifted you with understanding to realize that you are not bound by the old covenant and the rules of the pharisees. You are free in Him, under the new covenant. Rest in Him. He loves you and all of your feelings and desires, not just the officially approved versions of them. And we out here love them too. G'night. Sara
:-( This is so sad and I'm so sorry for this, DoaHF. It's hard for others to realize the simple truth that holding things in darkness keeps the light out.
"She said that if you kept it between you and god you would get a special reward and that you would grow, instead of having one big online pity-party for yourself.
She said that "these people" drag their "terrible" (quote-unquote) lives around with them and they are always depressed and whining. "There is no healing in that!""
Actually, that isn't Scriptural. We are called to bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. It is important that we choose safe people (which also means NOT to choose unsafe people) It is sooooo saaadddd that some of the closest people to us, who we love and who love us, aren't always safe.
Sara is right ~ you are loved.
"She said that if you kept it between you and god you would get a special reward and that you would grow..."
this is nooooooo-where in the Bible...NOwhere...uh uh. NOT in the Bible. Not supported by Scripture.
Being stepped on like this must make you feel just...crazy...!!!
The thought that you are being advised to repress yourself in this way, makes me feel something like "flames on the side of my face" on your behalf...here's the reference,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92IkddsjtAA
Sending more love your way, Daughter!
Speaking the truth, which is what you are speaking (well, writing), in LOVE you grow up into Him in all things.
Nowhere in God's Holy Word are we counseled to hide the truth, lie about the way things are, put a good face on things. Don't live a lie!
And while those of us damaged by fundamentalism and pharisiacal (sp?) religion DO experience a lot of pain, by taking our wounds out into the light and letting Jesus heal them, we also experience a lot of joy!
There is joy and freedom in knowing you are unconditionally loved! And you are! You ARE LOVED! God's love to you is because God IS LOVE!
May Love hold you when you cry, hold you where you hurt, listen when you rant, whisper love to you in the quiet after the storm, teach you to dance and laugh and sing and *enjoy* the freedom you have in Him. ~my heart's prayer for you
second "hold" in paragraph six should read "heal"- oopsies :)
I cried a little when I read this. I really identify with feeling like I'm in the sick grip of fear. I think that when truth and lies are doing battle with each other, fear is one of the powerful weapons of the latter. Pour out your heart in truth to those (especially God) with whom it is safe to do so. The more you are able to speak truth and name your fears out loud, the less of a grip the darkness will have. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
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