Defrauding Daughters:

Prelude: This is one of my first attempts at vocalizing some of the issues that boiled within me. Written 2-11-2010



Scripture is clear that defrauding is a sin. It also clearly states that provoking to wrath is equally as serious as disobedience to God-placed authority. (For the purposes of clarity: I am defining defrauding and provoking-to-wrath synonymously)

Why then am I applying this to daughters? I shall explain.

There is a large movement (I am tempted to say “in the homeschooling community”, but it might have spread farther, so I shall not limit it to my knowledge) of families in which the daughters are given a life goal from the moment they are born (or known to be female, in this modern age of ultrasound).
This goal is to marry and be a mother. In most families it is laden with Biblical background and blessing, and placed before young women as the only non-sinful path for their pure feet to tread.
While I do not want to take away from the great office of any wife or mother, I beg to differ from this so-deemed golden rule for daughters. Why? Because it sets them up for defrauding, being provoked to wrath, and internal warfare for the entirety of their single life.
Think about it this way: The different parts of a person mature at different rates. A woman is physically capable of having children much younger than most people today would consider a suitable age for marriage. One's soul and spirit also mature differently depending on personal maturity and how much each is fed.*
When a daughter is PHYSICALLY ready to marry may or may not be when she is EMOTIONALLY ready---. Whether or not she is SPIRITUALLY stable in her walk with God is another matter altogether. Thus, a young girl of 16 is “ready to marry” (physically) but will probably not be married for another (at least) 3 or so years. A girl of (well, I am extremely hesitant to put a number here) on up may be “ready to marry” (emotionally) but will surely not be married for approx. 10 or more years. (Some very young girls have already decided on a future husband!)
As far as spiritual maturity, it can only be gauged by the young woman, or between herself and God. She needs to be fully reliant on God, and be walking closer to Him than any other person in her life before she can be able to serve a husband.

Yet, young women are expected to not “want” to get married. They are reprimanded (or at least it is frowned upon) for thinking about boys, or (all heaven forbid) “picking out” one they would prefer above any other.** Their state of “emotional purity” is to be of their utmost concern (which would be sullied by even allowing a thought like “He is soooo handsome” float across their minds). Verses from Song of Solomon (You may laugh now) are used to apply to single young women (you may laugh even harder) to encourage them in such aims (rolling on the floor in helpless guffaws is also permissible).

Thus, a young woman who is looking to fulfill the life's calling to which she has been encouraged her entire life (yes, even from the womb!!) is told to stop thinking about marriage, to not look at a boy more than once, to not “awaken love” (ie. want to get married [wait? Isn't that what they are supposed to want?]), and not to set their hearts on getting married. (“There may be an isolated chance that no man would come along until you are 27, or 30, or even 40, or maybe even never....hmmm...”)
Then there is a whole industry that writes book about what young women in such predicaments (wait, did I just use that word?) could do with their time and efforts (while still waiting to find a husband, but not wanting one—that would be sin).

Therefore, I would say that this is provoking-to-wrath and defrauding. There is nothing more provoking than to be told to do something, and then told not to want to do it. It does not even make any logical sense!!! If wanting to be married is a bad thing (discontent, emotionally impure, etc) than why would anyone be raised with marriage as their end goal in life? As the purpose for which they were created by God? As the one truly perfect career for a woman? As the only possible non-sinful career they could pick?
It is defrauding in that a young woman is constantly at war with the physical part of her (biological clock?) and/or the emotional which is “ready” but she is not of an age wherein marriage is considered (or perhaps family has decreed a number, or there are no “perfect” young men available). It is natural for a woman to want companionship, to want to be sought after, and to want to be cherished. Marriage and the family are God-ordained, and thus good things to be desired. However, when we make this a sin, or when we discourage girls from spending time and effort in this area they can quickly get smothered in despair.

It is illogical to encourage a girl to something her entire life, and then when she is ready (or partly read) she is rebuked for thinking/speaking in such a way/wanting such things.
It is defrauding to them to build up their hopes with prayers for “a man of God to come along and marry ______ someday...” and then frighten her to emotional sterility with the spectre of “emotional purity”.
It is provoking to wrath to encourage a girls to prepare for marriage mentally, and then tell them that mental energy spent thinking about (I'm gonna say it: BOYS!!!) marriage/husband/future may be a sin.




*I am leaving mental knowledge/capability out of this list because it varies from family to family on the list of “required before Betsy is allowed to' ______'”. Does it include baking perfect homemade bread? Or just a Cherry pie that will make Billy-boy's mouth water? Thus I find it would be cumbersome to discuss and would bog down the point of this post with arbitrary homemaking skills*

**I am not by any means challenging that a woman cannot initiate a marriage offer, or going into a dissertation that women should not be responders, or that women should be initiators. I am merely pointing out some of the things that go through young-girls-who-would-like-to-be-married-some-day's minds that are considered improper or sinful.