Bit More Backstory:

My essay has almost 6,000 votes and I am awed and flabbergasted.
 I never expected that many people to know, or care, or want to help a stranger.

My past is a hard onion to unpeel. 
I was never outright denied and education, and I was never told I could never attend college.
But imagine being told day after day about how terrible public school is, and horror stories from your mother about her drunk and horny history teacher?  How would you feel about going to school then?
Or imagine reading multiple 'horror stories' about godly young people who were pulled astray while at secular and even some more liberal Christian Colleges?  (and my parents would also call that an oxymoron)

Imagine Mother Gothel's overly syrupy tone 'encouraging you' to always take a separate path from the world?  Telling you that you dont need a "scrap of paper" to tell people you are intelligent, well read, and have knowledge?

Yeah, that is the line I had to commit to memory.  "College is REALLY expensive.  And then, after spending around a quarter of a million dollars (yeah, that was the estimate I was told most often) and four to six years in a building, you get a piece of paper that tells the rest of the world you know something and can be hired."
(add a part about 4-year degrees taking about 5 or 6 years to complete being the average due to changing of majors, laziness in taking classes & failing, etc if you want to...)
"Why would you EVER want to do that?  I can go out there and buy any book I want. I can even get most of them from the Library.  Do I want to be a Botanist?  Get books out of the library and memorize plant's latin names.  Then plant and run a garden for a couple years.  Do I want to know everything about the Revolutionary War?  Again, read all the books you can find.  Go and visit key battlegrounds and cities where events took place.  By all means, learn and study and get and education!  But NOT at a college.  We can render them obsolete."
And this last one was a nice bundle of issues: "Fine, if you want a college degree, you can get an English degree at the local community college.  CLEP out of as much as you can, and only go in for one or two semesters (CollegePlus was always suggested).  Then, when the government takes away our right to homeschool you can file as a teacher and have your own school with your kids in it, and any unfortunate other homeschoolers who did not prepare their daughters in this way."


Now, one thing I can claim is that I did have an exemplary homeschooled education.  My mother had a college degree and she spent long hours making lesson plans and working out classes for us.  We were required to have 80% mastery of anything we were tested on.  If you did not, you would go back and study, do full corrections until you got everything right, and then re-take the test.
This applied for Math, the sciences, any written or oral tests she made up for history, and any English tests we came upon.  We did Saxon Math, so it was fairly easy to grade those by percent and have us re-do lessons.  Failing a test meant going back over all the practice of the lessons the test covered and re-taking the test.  In Wile Science, we re-did modules and the Quarterlies (I failed Chemistry a couple times) were made to re-do all the modules double-time.  (because we should have most of the information memorized)
I didnt fail much in English, but the essays were not given a percent.  Unless they had so much red that it was hard to see the essay, we didnt re-write those very much.
I loved reading and did a lot of that once I hit puberty and became embarrassed about my size.  Sitting on the couch curled up was a safe place for me where no one could see my hairy underarms (I wasnt allowed to shave for a while) or tease me for my curves.
I am a fast learner, my family calling me the one with the "mind like a steel trap."  I love History and I do well in English and writing. 

My younger siblings are not receiving the education I did, because there are more little kids to care for, because we older siblings arent around to take care of a lot of the house duties and because my mother is much older and much more worn down than she was teaching the 'first round.'
  Also, I am seeing significant (sometimes purposeful) gaps in her current methods of teaching now that I am out in the world and finding out how reality differs from the family bubble...

To Be Continued.....

Update: College

I paid my tuition, lab fees, parking sticker, etc, today in full.

I just have to get my books and I'm all set for the Spring semester. :)
My essay keeps getting voted for, and keeps the top spot.
When it gets entered in the second drawing it will hopefully meet the same enthusiastic response.

The money from that should more than cover my fall semester and maybe even some of next spring.
Its crazy because I wasnt counting on winning it at all.  It was a shot in the dark, hoping that some of my friends would vote.  I feel so encouraged and capable.  Like I can do this, and knock it out of the park, and get all "A's" because I CAN.
As I waled out of the college to my car this afternoon, my receipt in my hand, I cried so hard I had to wait a couple minutes before driving.  I never ever thought I would be doing anything like this. 
I never thought I would make it.
I never thought I could do it.
I didnt believe I was worth it.


But this past two weeks: I have found out that I am.

Amazed

I feel humbled and so amazed by the enthusiasm that people have shown for my "cause."

I did not expect anyone except friends to notice it and I hoped to be selected for the top 10 essays based on merit and my essay, not on votes.

Some people were asking if they could donate directly, so my sister set up a ChipIn account for me:
Jenni's College: ChipIn Account

I signed up for 4 classes (11 credits) this morning.  With my hard work and savings, I have enough money for tuition and books.  Gas and other expenses I will keep working to support.  I had to change my availability around at work, but after 2 years of open availability, hopefully they will be sympathetic to me going to school.

All this rolls into motion January 10th, so I will definitely be updating this as often as possible.
I have over 2,000 votes for my essay, and the next leader has a bit over 850.

When the second round of voting comes through I will definitely update as well.

Please vote and share!

The election is over, but I have a new thing to vote for: Myself!!

There is 173 days left to vote.
The top ten voted essays get promoted and ten others chosen by the staff.
Results to come in June.
It would be nice to get some money for fall classes.


On Monday I sign up for a spring semester of 11 classes and a whole new life!!

Cursed

"They cursed me," I told him.

"Cursed?" He was incredulous in a bemused way like I had insisted I could pulled a bunny from my pants pocket.
"What do you think that means?"

I tried to explain about the hedge of thorns and the implications of being told (every time the subject came up) day in and day out that leaving home meant being homeless, unloved, poor, starving, cold, probably a drug addict and driven to the desperation of prostitution.

It is hard to look at all that and not nod and remember.  But now it also sounds ludicrous.  Like someone told a stupid joke with no punch line.  "Haha ha.... you are joking, right?"

He asked me what the implications of these 'curses' were on my life and mentioned examples people fulfilling the curse through their own mistaken beliefs.  While I saw what he meant, I dont think he fully understood my point, or the weight of these predictions over the head of a Quiverfull Daughter.

I work my butt off (excuse the euphemism) every day to prove to my mother that I am not lazy.
I clean more (and more thoroughly) than anyone at work to prove to my mother that I am not going to turn into a slovenly hoarder.
I keep up on theology and god and all that Koine to prove to my father that I am not one of those brainless children with no spine and no thinking capability or reasoning skills.
I smile and be polite to everyone no matter how I feel about them to show my parents I learned what they said about respect.  Especially when people dont deserve any of it.
I am pushing and fighting and clawing tooth and nail against all the lies in order to show them that I can succeed and have real friends and be loved apart from a rigid set or religious rules. 

To prove them wrong
To "have a reason for the hope that is in me"
To try to convince them to see my point of view

To get them to love me.

Because in the end, the curse is that no matter how hateful and unsupportive they are, and no matter what lies they tell the kids about me, and no matter how long they refuse to love me for who I am; I will be seeking and attempting to earn their love.
I will be trying to have a real family and real parents who really want what is best for ME, not what their little brown booklet says when opened to a certain page.

Its a blessing, and a curse.

They Told Us Lies

My brain is a harsh and cruel place.  Sometimes I hate being stuck in it and with it and I would do just about anything to get away for a while, or even forever.

We were driving by a mega-church this morning, and there were little kids on a hayride driving around the borders of the expansive church property.  They were enjoying the warm fall day and waving at the people in the cars driving by with little-kid innocence and abandon.
My companion said: "Awww, look at those cute kids waving"
My Brain thought: "Its a shame, they are there because their parents attend that terrible mega-church and they are probably being indoctrinated in the newly-built mega-wing that is going to be a school."


Sometimes I blame it on my parents and the teachers they listened to and who they let teach me and my siblings.  Because THEY TOLD US LIES.
And being lied to does something to a brain and a heart and to a child's person that is hard to take back of fix or heal.
They lied to us.
They lied.

They told me that if I ever left home, and my father's umbrella of protection I would never be successful.  No one would hire me or see my good qualities and I would never make it.  I would turn out having to sell my body as a last resort and probably end up pregnant and homeless and a drug addict. 
They told me that if I learned to be "Independent" I would never be loved and no guy would want me because I would never be able to work with him or have a giving and sharing relationship.
They told me if I had sex with a guy without some kind of long-term commitment (marriage, etc) that he would use me and then abandon me when he was tired of me.
I was told that if I seek I would find.  I was told that "God" would respond to an open and desiring heart.  I was told that I would find peace at home with my family and a true calling.
I was told that pursuing higher education was pointless and a waste of money because my "highest calling"  was marrying some man I was told was a good man and having 15 of his children.
I was told that my intelligence was only for teaching kids and not for changing the world.
And I was told not to develop ME because what God wanted from me was to be the mirror of some man.


And all of that was LIES.

So now, 2 years away from all of it, and I am still fighting for my life. 
Literally, for my every day-by-day waking moment to be free and to find out the truth.
And I have to fight against my cruel instincts and my head which seems to want nothing more than to destroy all my progress so far.

But I keep fighting.
Because giving up is a lie.

Therapy Diaries

"One of your best assets is that Tenacity of yours..."

I looked up and he was smiling kindly at me.

"How would you summarize what I've been saying so far?" he asked suddenly.
He had never asked me that before.  And I tilted my head and tried to put together a cohesive sentence in the jumble of things that came up today...
"I'm thinking 4 or 5 words..." he tried to help me along.

"Go your own way?" I tried.

His face split into a big smile.  He like that and liked the wording and the fact that I was on the right track.
"Mine was going to be 'You are underestimating yourself.'"

He had me again.  Large warm tears came spilling out.  It had been a while since I sobbed in Therapy, so I didnt bother getting a tissue.  I dont know how it always seems to happen like this.  I did NOT want to go to therapy that morning.  It was so warm in bed and I was so tired from a long week and an emotional altercation too fresh for much inspection.  I went anyway and tried to think up plausible manipulative things to say to get out of a double session this week. 
Sometimes, I go knowing it is the best thing for me.  But today I went knowing that I had promised others and most of all myself that I would make the effort to get better for myself and for my future.  And I couldnt get out of that promise.  Yet, as always, I left feeling like no matter what awful terrible things life could throw at me, I could handle it.

Tenacity.  He said it was remarkable and a good thing and that he wanted me to keep going and keep working on the goals I had set for myself.  Because in the end he said I would be triumphant.  I could find my ceiling and break through and find a new ceiling. 
Because I couldn't control his thoughts, or how he judged people. 
Because I wasnt going to try to win in a losing system.
Because I could find my role and not confuse it with someone else's.
Because I didnt have to be dependent on anyone, no matter how easy it was/is to fall back into that mode.
Because what other people say about me is none of my business.

Because I am.  Things are.  There is no deeper meaning or message to life.  So many things merely are and exist as a function of cause and effect and choice; that attempting to perform harsh introspective surgery to wrest some divine imprint is foolishness. 

"The door handle IS," I tell myself.  Besides performing it's duty it is of no consequence to me.
And so I keep plugging away at life.... oh yes... my enduring tenacity.
But also learning to find happiness.

To him who knows to do good...

Last time I talked with my mother it ended with me basically shouting at her for over 5 minutes.

I dont talk/communicate/email/text her much.  But she has my Birth Certificate and Passport (expired a bit ago, but I would still like to get it) which I asked for when I was in her area back in July.  She looked at me (shocked) and said something about how it was her property, but she supposed I could have a copy.

I had been pestering her since July to send me the promised copies (and I have had tabs up on my Moz since then on getting a passport renewal and the necessary steps to getting a copy of a Consular Report of Birth Abroad since then as well) and she has been giving me empty promises since July.
Nothing new in that behavior, though.  For shame.

Then, one of the times I reminded her (sometime in the middle of September, I believe), she manipulated a phone call out of it.  I knew it was manipulation, but I hoped for a bit of reconciliation, and perhaps a semblance of a relationship?  Yeah, way high hopes.  Isnt it almost foolish how we keep hoping against all logic and past experience?

Anyway, the conversation started out pretty safe, talking about things and people and I was even honest with her when the conversation switched to me and my current life choices and some of the changes Ive been making recently...
Then, she asked me what I had done that day (my day off). I told her the truth.  I had spent most of it at the Community College.  I had been over my Application for Dependency Override again with a FAFSA counselor (which made me upset and cry, because he told me that since I could at any moment call my parents we were not estranged and I was not eligible) and turned down.  I had taken an "Accuplacement Test" and done rather well (according to the Proctor, who should know, I guess).  I had gotten in with an Advisor who looked over my scores, signed me up for an Associates in Business, and who wrote down a handful of classes for me to try my first semester.  Then, I got my residency proven, so I can get the In-State Tuition rate.

I asked her for my Highschool Transcripts (which in the past she has sworn she can produce and would be willing to give out copies of), and one last time asked her to allow me to access the information I would need for a FAFSA.
She asked me: "Well, do you WANT to be my daughter?"
I got angry and began a tirade.  She was completely silent the entire time.  I told her that I was her daughter no matter what happened because I could never get away.  I told her that SHE needed to act like a real MOTHER as well,  I told her that I was an adult and that adult daughters did not (in the real world) lay around the house sucking off their parents teat.  I also told her that to pretend that I would be allowed to go to college were I living at home was laughable and ridiculous.
I told her she was living in a fantasy world, rules by some outdated old book and made-up rules.  I told her that they (she and her husband) were reading the book wrong, and that they loved their book and the rules more than they loved their children.  I told her all their good works for keeping these rules were pointless.  I told her that if she really wanted to live by the book's rules, here was one: "To him who knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin."
I told her that she and my father were living in sin because they had the power to do unlimited good.  They could do SO much good, but they refused, and therefore all their works and rule-keeping and book-reading were going to backfire.  I told her that by refusing to send me an email with a handful of numbers they were sinning.  They didnt have to send me any money, they didnt have to support me currently (either financially or supporting my 'lifestyle' and/or life choices) and they didnt have to expend any energy or resources.  They make so little and have so many kids that I would probably get a free ride anyway.

I ranted for quite some time.  Then, I told her that I was angry and that I should probably stop because I did not see the conversation getting any better.  I told her I wasnt sure if she was still there because I hadnt heard a sound since I started ranting, but I hoped the rest of her night was better than the phone call, and I was going to hang up now.

And then I hung up.

She texted me a couple minutes later saying that she was listening and hadnt wanted to say anything that would be seen as 'judging' me.
I never replied.

Long overdue, but short

Dear Readers:
(if there are any of you left!!)

I have been silent for a long time.  I will be working on finding my voice again, but I'm not sure what all that will take.  I have been through a lot this year, and this summer especially.  And maybe some of this will come out in the wash, OR I will tell you about it in time....
But for now an update on current events and future plans!!

I am looking for a new/different/better job.  I have been in retail in various ways for two years now with a very messed up company.  I have been applying to about a dozen different retail jobs over the past two months now.  I have received only one response from one company, and that was a letter in the mail saying that my application did not merit me a further interview.
I was encouraged to branch out of retail and look into corporate places for secretary work or some sort of clerical position.  I will be working on that in this next week.
The unemployment rate in Charlotte is a bit higher than the national average and there are too many people willing to work for minimum wage.  I survived a whole year on minimum wage and it was HARD.  Because I have moved around my job a bit, I have gotten to a feasible rate that is high enough over minimum wage that I think no one wants to hire me for that much, especially in retail.  I have been able to save a lot of money and to improve my living state and do things I would not have done otherwise.  (Ie. I dont want to go back to scrounging at minimum wage)

So I am off to try for other kinds of work.

I am finally going to plunge ahead with college.  I have been wanting and wanting and hoping to do it, College and have signed up for an Associates in Business starting in the spring.  I am not sure exactly how many classes I will be able to take, and how much exactly it will cost, but I will do as much as I am able.
I cannot get Financial Aid due to refusal of my parents to lend me their tax information, and I cannot file as an Independent Student for another two years.  I am not desirous of getting into debt, so I wont be taking a bank loan or any kind of student aid or anything like that.
HOWEVER, if you know of any awesome scholarships, or anyone willing to sponsor a determined, but poor, ex-fundie-daughter on her path to higher education and freedom: PLEASE send them to me.
I have plans to take a couple classes and work as much as I can to make ends meet.
I have decided to stay in Charlotte for the time being, at least until I get this degree and/or I get a solid direction on where I'm headed in my life.

I am/have been going to Therapy/Counselling since late June.  It has made a tremendous change and it is significantly helping me in a couple things.  In fact, it is partially his insistence that I go to College that has put the fan to my dimly lit embers of hope.  I WANT to do this and he keeps encouraging me towards it.  Says it will be a much better use of my intellect than the petty drama of Retail Life.

Any questions or things I missed?
I dont know.  That is is for now, I think.

Listless

I am having Bi-Polar fears again.
I was having the best month all of June.  Well, for the most part at least.
I felt really settled in to my new position at work and things were smooth and nearly effortless.
I found two awesome friends who invited me out to go bowling and watch movies and just hang out at the mall or at a park.  It felt like I belonged and that there was something to look forward to.
Also, the summer finally set in with days reaching for triple digits and sometimes even hitting them.
I LOVE love love the heat and it made me feel energized and alive.

You couldnt wipe that smile off my face.

And then it happened.  I was just too happy for it to last.
And I hit the low low last night.  It was a bad time.

And today I just feel empty.  Nothing matters and I dont care.

A lady tipped me $5 for washing out some jars for her and for having memorized her order and always making it the way she liked.  A friend stayed up late last night texting me for an hour and a half at 1am just being there for me.  It was a lot cooler, but still warm enough to be nice out.  It is almost my birthday and I have always loved my birthday.
I am tired and depressed and I really dont give a fuck.

I feel listless and dead. 
My shadow heart is the only thing thats beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone.