To Pray

One of the most harrowing things on my mind lately is my decision to stop praying.
And in fact, I really suck at following through on things because just last Thursday I found myself alone in a quiet car and I began talking out loud.  I have been really 'disrespectful' (as my good-girl-brain tells me) by calling the thing I vocalize thoughts and feelings to anything that comes to mind like: "The Pie in the Sky", or "The Rainmaker" or some such ludicrous title.

Oh, and Saturday I wished a happy future for my best friend who is currently in a terrible spot.
And on Sunday I sent love and hopes away to someone I had to leave.



My main issue with prayer is that I havent seen it work.  At least not outright.
I tried more than once to begin and keep a 'prayer journal' with specific requests and dates that they happened/came true and I never managed to continue more than a week.  And nothing ever happened in that week.  And when I would go back and read over some of them (finding them stuck in the back of a note book commandeered for more pressing purposes) I would laugh at the things I was praying about and note that none of them came true except the obvious ones (like my younger sibling's salvations).

In fact, my biggest issue is that people have been praying for my father for over 10 years now.
I know my mother has been for longer than that.  But issues cause others to really get on God's case about him for almost 10 years now and when you have an stubborn donkey in your midst that refuses counsel, the only answer other Christians have for you is "pray about it" or "don't stop praying."

I gave up a long time ago.
I heard that the definition of insanity was doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.

If that is true, then praying is insanity.  Because pleas for God's hand have either been ignored, got lost in the answering machine, were forgotten, or just didn't get high enough on His list.
My dad is still an ass and I gave up hope.

So I dont pray.  I think it is useless.
But my upbringing causes me to do it against my logical judgement and against my conscience and against my own desires.  And others make me feel guilty when they 'ask for prayer' for things and I feel like a heretic for not wanting their good and sending out a compulsory sentence or two.
Guilt-induced prayer are probably even worse than non-believing prayers.

So I am left with a dilemma.  I fight myself almost daily in my mind when I do it as an (almost) involuntary response to silence and when I feel the need for protection, guidance, peace, or control and I feel inadequate in any of those areas.  I do it because I was trained to, and taught it was right.
I dont want to do it because I see it as foolhardy and useless.

I know other people pray and get answered and I dont know what to say or how to deal with it.
Why does God listen to them and not to me, or to anyone who prayed like I did?
Why don't my 'little requests' matter to Him?
Why dont my big requests, either?
If other people get attention and answers, what did I do wrong?
Do I deserve this?
How can I fix what I did/myself in order to be allowed to get my prayers answered?

If it doesnt work that way then how does it work?
And why doesnt it make sense?