The Pure Truth

I was sitting in a room in a garage the other night.
One of the cooler people from work invited me out to her house and I was trying to be friendly.  I didnt know anyone but her, and I didnt like any of the drinks out, and I didnt smoke.  In short: I didnt fit in at all.

But I really want to be her friend.

So I sat around for a couple hours and listened and every now and then we would gossip about work.
We talked about the guys and the girls and the who-dated-whos and stuff.  At one point we were laughing about this one character who told me I was pregnant.  She laughed and then looked at me seriously and said: "Aren't you a virgin?"
At that moment the rest of the almost-10 people in the room got quiet and looked at me.  I had never been in a situation like this and I felt akward.  I answered "Well, yeah."
Everyone went back to what they were talking about and she took a puff from her cigarette and said "You should change that someday."
I mused and said "I will someday....  I just havent found anyone worth it yet."
 (a cliche, I thought.  Something I was taught to spout, but at the same time, it is a vulnerability that I dont feel safe around anyone like that yet)
She looked at me very seriously and said: "I envy you for that"


I was taken aback.  I honestly didnt expect that from her. In fact, I was so surprised that I didnt say anything for the rest of the night.  I have been thinking about it since.
Maybe everything I was taught about purity wasnt such a lie.
At the same time, I wasnt being a prude.  Because I think if my attitude had been one of "no heck way, you whore" I might have gotten a different reaction from her.
The fact is that I wasnt allowed to make up my own mind about purity.  How much or how little.  Being a virgin wasnt an option for me for 20 years.
Not that I wish I wasnt.  But I wish it was MY choice.
This year, it has been my choice.  I dont want to be intimate with anyone unless I trust them.  And the fact is that I dont trust a lot of people anywhere near enough.


I think parents of young people should expose them to both sides and allow them the choice.  Educate and present the facts.  I feel like I am actually 14 or 15.  One year into 'growing up' teenager-hood.
Except I can make my own choices about smoking and drinking without the constraints of age.

I guess what I am getting at is: I am confused.
All this is so confusticating. Am I finally going through my 'teens'?