Yeah, I know, the red lights in the back of your mind just turned on and the siren is getting louder and louder. I have been working on getting up the courage to say this out loud, but not gotten there yet. Just saying "God wants me to be happy" is crazy enough for right now.
I have been trained most of my life (or at least, my parents tried to train me) to not "focus on self."
Do not put yourself first
Die to the flesh
Think of others
Sacrifice
Give
The harder it is, the better it is for you (and the more spiritual?)
One of my biggest battles is against depression. (On the topic of warning lights, just admitting this is a HUGE step for me. #1, it is dirty laundry, #2 it is admitting that I have a chronic sin that I have not conquered by God's strength, #3 it is going along with man's system of giving every possible imagined illness a name and trying to treat it...)
Yes, depression IS REAL.
As Hillary, from Quivering Daughters said just today:
DEPRESSION is NOT a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long...
I have been working a lot lately on trying to diagnose myself BEFORE I get into that mood.I usually wake up (not literally, but in the mental sense) to realize that for the past X amount of time everything I have been thinking, saying, and feeling has been depressed and a direct result of depression.
Then, I have to backtrack, usually apologize to someone for being a terrible bore, wish I hadn't said or written some things, and then work on getting OUT of it.
I have been better a lot, with the spring air and the color coming out everywhere, and the warmth. Then, it will get cold again, and before I know it I am over my head in darkness and despair.
In feeling better, I have also been able to sense a change in my mood. Sometimes it has been coming on all day. Sometimes just reading a couple paragraphs of something can set me crying and all.
SO--I have been really working hard to conquer it when I feel it coming. I try to relax, to get some sleep. Or, I sing happy, fun, dancing songs, like this one.
I try to take time to pray. I want to let God know that I can't fight this battle on my own. I want to exercise trust in Him
It has not been a very easy thing to do, but my success rate has been encouraging.
For instance: Yesterday I was almost there, and God gave me this.
Then, later in the night, it was coming back. I didn't realize it until someone asked me how I was. Before I wrote down a couple of sad adjectives, I realized where I was, and I said honestly that I was struggling (with feeling depressed). They cheered me up with care and love, and I prayed a little bit before I fell asleep.
I have been watching myself for patterns, and most of all for triggers. What sends me careening into doubt, anger, hurt, and frustration? What keeps my spirits up? What ministers to my soul?
It has been a slow, but rewarding journey.
3 comments:
I found that on a friend's status and it struck me because we often have so many burdens, such heavy loads, and yet Jesus said that HIS yoke is easy and His burdens are light. We are to come to Him and rest. We read scripture like, "the joy of the Lord is your strength" and discover too late that we have been trying to please man, operating under the joy of man.
I'm glad you're feeling better! Stay honest (truthful) with yourself and God about how you're feeling, even if it's an "unnacceptable" emotion. I wrote this somewhere else:
God feels things that sometimes might seem curious to us, things we might regard as ungodly or of the flesh: Jealousy. Rage. Yet also, Tenderness. Deep, abiding love. As those made in His image, our task is to uncover the root of our feelings and discern why we feel them. For in and of themselves, our feelings are not wrong. They reveal the ... See Morehomeostasis of our hearts. With humility, I do not believe feelings can be perfect or imperfect. Our hearts ~ that is a different story. How we act upon our feelings, and the choices we make, show us where we need to be strengthened and purified. Dismissing or ignoring a feeling is like ignoring a symptom. But a study of symptoms can expose what could be deadly illness ~ and if it is caught in time, health and healing can take place.
I've been plagued by depression my whole life and something someone suggested to me has been a huge help. When I feel depressed I try to get closer to the earth and basic senses. I go to the beach and run sand through my fingers and toes, listen to the waves crash on the shore, birdsong, wind in the trees, the way the sun feels on my skin. It takes me outside of myself and gives me such basic animal pleasure in the world around me. No messy people or messy thoughts, just basic animal/nature senses.
It sounds odd but it works for me.
I also keep faith with myself that I will feel better on the other side so it's just a matter or waiting it out. But my depressions come in small cycles, sometimes daily but always with a relief close at hand so that's easier to do. If it never let up for weeks/months/years straight I think it would be harder.
So many words, that's who I am. Sorry 'bout that. It gets better, even if it's just in spurts. Very cliched but true nonetheless.
Sara
PS: Hillary is right: there are no 'good' and 'acceptable' emotions. You feel what you feel and to deny feeling it to yourself is the way of crazy making. Don't feel guilty about feeling. What you do while feeling things is where responsibility lies, but not in the feelings themselves. I don't care what some preachers say, that's not sin, it's just life.
Peace to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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