She was "my" baby. I woke up at night and took her to my mom when she needed to nurse. I rocked and sang her back to sleep at all hours of the night for hours. I was 10.
I loved her. When she was fussy she would want me to hold her. When others were tired of watching her I was the one in charge. When she was feeling bad I held her and rubbed her tummy.
When she was about 5 months old I remember being the first one to make her laugh. You know how babies are? That spot right under their chin that makes them burst out into hilarious laughter?
When my mom went on a furlough to the US when she was one and a half; I went along to care for her.
She was ever my sunshine. She had that bubbly, bright, happy personality that I had. She loved singing like I did and would walk around the house making up words and a tune in her own way. She is still ticklish most everywhere like I used to be, screaming with laughter whenever we tried to play with her.
She is photogenic and I was "the photographer." I would dress her up and put her in a spot near the window and let her shine. She could totally be a model.
She loves to dance, like I do, and thrives on people and social situations. She loves cats, and now that I cant be there to care for my babies, I hear that she has been their intercessor and care-taker. She was never allowed to have a cat because the sister right above her had a dog and I had cats, so she could play with mine.
I hear that she has not changed much. She is still young, and innocent.
I pray she stays that way. Not so much for me as for her own protection.
Life is a big ugly monster and the longer she remains as she is, the more time we have to hope things change before it eats her.
Today is a big day for the kids, as they are doing a public demonstration of the "sport"/recreational activity that we all enjoyed. It happens once a year and this year is happens to fall on her Birthday.
Last year my dad felt "ambushed" because kalipay (who had left home August) showed up to watch us and take pictures and congratulate everyone on their ribbons.
He firmly instructed my grandparents that he did not want it to happen again, and his long-standing threat is that if they participate in anything against him/helping us kids who are "out"/etc/etc he will cut them off from their grandchildren.
So, they called last week and let him know that she was planning on coming.
He vowed to make things "just as bad" for her and has had a week or so to plot his delicious revenge.
I still remember the first time I saw him for what he truly was. It was only for a moment, but like a flashback in a movie, I realized how craven and cruel he was.
He was talking about something during a "Bible Study" and said something entirely off-topic and nasty about someone who was once close to the family. I looked up shocked and saw that not only was he entirely serious, but he was mixing this poison and hate in with "Bible" and TEACHING it in his proud and authoritarian manner.
I could not believe what I heard and later that evening I called a friend and freaked out on her. I told her all the things I suddenly saw in him and called him names and then, shocked at myself, I began crying.
There wasn't much she could say. She did not have a very high opinion of my father anyway, so she merely sympathized with me and encouraged me in the road I was walking.
My little sister's birthday means nothing to him. In general, he would rather we not celebrate them at all. But today he has vowed to not let my oldest sister see/talk with/ or be near any of her younger siblings and he intends to chew her out for every offense against him and the almighty she has ever deigned to do.
Just pray for her, ok?
I would be there if I could, but I live so far away that I cant.
And besides that; just a couple texts from my mom the other day sent me into such a bad PTSD spiral that I know it would be disastrous for me to try actually seeing anyone.
7 comments:
My dad would preach in our Sunday "Bible studies" (we didn't go to church so that was what we did) about people too...he preached some on how bad I was and how bad my brother was when he kicked my brother out for made up reasons and stuff. Our dads would probably get along. UGH. ((((hugs))))
My heart breaks for you and your family.
i know someone close to me who feels that way about birthdays and it's really sad. i'm sorry you have to go thru this! you deserve better!! love ya!
(((hugs))) for both of you...ALL of you kids.
It is probably best if I don't say what I'm thinking about the situation. I don't swear, but this comes pretty close to it.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Hope that Kali was able to visit.
Hugs.
I feel broken and angered and heavyhearted about this, and I'm so sorry you have to put up with this treatment.
There's no trace of Jesus Christ in his actions or attitude, and it's hard to think of anything more evil than hate masquerading as Christian.
I'm praying for you and kalipay and all of your siblings, and for your grandparents too because of how their love for the kids is so cruelly manipulated.
I wish I could give you a big hug and just be with you for a while.
When the time comes for those younger siblings to spread their wings...just like you and Kali, remember who helped you and know that we are here and very much willing to help them....with anything....we are also here for you and pray for you and your continued strength. I'm so sorry for the hurt and anguish that you have gone through and I am sorry your siblings continue to live it.
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