The Constant Loss

I had intended to write more last month.  In fact, I had a lot planned, most of which got lost under the trampling footsteps of everydaylife.

I have been working this week on 'getting over' some old issues (stuff never seems to go away, ALL the way).  I was very worked up one night this week because I read through some things I wrote/said a long time ago.  Somehow my mother got mixed up in all this and I spent a good bit of time very angry and crying.

Walls are very understanding and good listeners.

The things that is hitting me now is the constant feeling of loss.  Total, complete, and overwhelming loss.  As an MK, when you move, or change countries, or schools, or mission agencies, you lose precious things.  People, places, memories, special pets, climates..... the list is long.
When you experience serious changes in yourself, or in your life, especially in my case, you lose again.
You lose friends and whole portions of the family get lopped off like an arm infected with gangrene.
You lose your position in society, or your connections, because vicious rumors get spread around (in my case, I apparently cuss like a sailor) and people assume they are true.  All because you changed.

Loss is like a phantom arm (that got cut off because it was infected with gangrene).  You can still feel it even years after it was removed.  People and situations remind you of this constantly.  I had a customer greet me with: "Howdy!" just this Tuesday.  I asked him if he was from New York, and he had just gotten off a plane, he said.  My mother often uses that, and whenever she talks with her relatives from up there we kids can tell.  Linguistics is another thing of hers that some of us kids got.  I can hear faint elongations of vowels and I have started a couple nice conversations asking people where they come from and about how people talk.

I get barraged every day with all kinds of families that pass through the store.  Some obviously hate eachother; like the old couple where the husband pushed the wife's food aside in order to grab some silverware, or the wife being rude because her husband spilled some rice on the counter.  The children who order expensive drinks because they can and the parents rolling their eyes and grumbling at the kids under their breath.  Some obviously are trying: like the mom who stopped talking to me and informed her daughter that right now she was busy, but in a minute she would give her a fruit smoothie. The daughter was about 8 months old, so I dont know how much of the message she got, but it worked to keep her quiet another couple minutes.
I am continually seeing signs of hurt in the children, like the one daughter who spilled soup onto her lap.  She started crying (of course) but her mother refused my help (and the paper towels I had) and scooped the hot soup back into a cup and told her daughter to stop crying and eat.  I am remembering and hurting with these kids, and wishing I could do something for them.  I also remember my parents treating my problems with equal nonchalant-ness and curtness.
People with money troubles who ask their parents or grandparents for help leave me remembering that I have to stay healthy and not make any mistakes because I have to take care of myself.
People who talk about their childhoods and favorite locations in Charlotte, cartoons, childhood friends, music, etc remind me that it would take about 2,000 dollars and a lot of time to go visit the place where I grew up.
People who talk negatively about 'foreigners' dont know it, but they remind me that I have lived more than half my life in a country that was NOT the USA.

I try not to dwell on it, I promise.
But sometimes it catches up to you.  The total, overwhelming loss of so many things that are (or were) precious to you.

And loss is a problem that is not curable.

Stress you can cure with a hot shower, a massage, chocolate or other good-feeling-enhancing foods, and by talking or exercise.
Pain you can take care of by R&R or ibuprofen.
Sickness can be helped with a bit of garlic and perhaps a prescription.
Anger you can take out on a punching bag, a friend, your pillow, or with a good cry.
:Loss is something that is not fixed without going back in time and/or effort on the part of many people that would be the equivalent of pulling the Grand Canyon back together.

I understand that it is part of life and everyone deals with it in differing degrees and blah, blah...
Right now; I am dealing with long term, constant loss.
Give me some space to weep.