I woke up today with a song and a Bible verse floating around in my head. The song is a 'meh' song by a rather old (80's) CCM singer who is popular in the third-world country where I grew up in. I had to laugh when I looked up the song on youtube, all the videos were karaoke dubs from that nation.
Anyway, the verse was: "God is near to the broken hearted."
I tried looking for it, and after a couple unsuccessful tries, I found it in Psalm 34:18.
I read the verse and sighed, because God was still out to get me to return home to my parents and be a good daughter.
Then I got mad. I had given God a rest for a while. Not 'gone to church', not read Daddy's NKJV version, not even allowed myself to read the tracts people keep handing me at work. I was hoping space and distance would heal something and let me be a 'good' christian like I was raised to be. *insert meek and quiet smile.
But after a break of about ten minutes I looked over a different version of it because sometimes it helps me take the verse out of preconditioned-reading-mode; which is what I needed.
I suddenly realized that no one else would get my first reaction out of the verse. Then I began picking myself apart like I always do trying to figure out why I thought that in the first place, and how to change, and berating myself for still thinking the way I used to think. Gah.
And while picking apart myself; this is what I heard:
The first verse is all hellfire and damnation. Just look at it. If a sermon is preached about it where will the bulk of the message lay: the second part. "Such as have a contrite heart." Obviously, the first thing that sticks out is the huge condition. 'Only the certain honest/blessed/perfect individuals who REALLY have a contrite heart.' Only those who God has searched and interrogated and picked apart to find no wrong motives in. Only such as those. Like: only those with the heart of a child. Only the REALLY contrite.And that is when I started crying and decided to not read the Bible anymore for another long while.
And then there is the 'contrite.' Sheesh, only a KJV-er would understand that. Contrite is like what they did to enemies in Bible times. Made them walk under a small doorway in front of the conquering general. They would have to get down low and possibly on their knees and squeeze through this door (the eye of a needle, anyone?) and humble themselves. And, because God knows your heart, he is not the overbearing general who only looks at the outside obeisance. He sees your HEART too, and your HEART is wicked and before you dare ask Him to be there for you, or be near to your sadness and weakness? You better have it cleaned out of all the bad things and made truly pure and honest before you do such a thing.
In short: You, missy, are so, so, SO far from the qualifier on this verse and SO far from being able to accomplish it that there is no way God could (even if he wanted to, because we all know that God cant abide sin and evil) come near you or even pay attention to your brokenness. Nu-uh. Not gonna happen.
My bible-reader is broken and my brain is broken and I cant do this.
2 comments:
(((hugs))) my friend! It won't always be this way! But I think you are right...maybe leave it alone for a little while longer. :(
Or think of it this way. If your little sibling had just stubbed their toe and was crying, wouldn't you run to them and pick them up and smother them with kisses and hugs? THAT is what God is like. When we are broken and hurting, He comes to comfort. No qualifiers. Nothing. Just comfort and love.
*hug*
God isn't found in the Bible. It's ok to put it away until you're ready.
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