I am really, really glad that I dont get them too often, but when they do come I am always panicked when I wake up. They fade eventually (right now I am working on trying to remember the details) but I still feel the fear and weight in my chest when I think about them.
Last night was a strange one.
As usual, all my dreams take place in our big house in the Philippines. I was in my parents room and I remember I was playing with the baby (I don't know which one of them it was, probably the littlest girl) when daddy came into the room and made her leave. I was left alone for a while with a sense of impending doom. Then when he came back; somehow he was forcing me to leave but blocking the door. I could not move from where I was because I was ashamed of something...
I woke up with a gasp and as I realized it was all a dream I relaxed and was able to sleep again....
January 2, 2011
January 1, 2011
Anew
Happy New Year, all.
I totally wish you the best of upcoming years.
I was definitely glad to see the year go.
It was definitely filled with the most change, upheaval, growth, and pain of any year. Although 2004 stands to be reckoned with, I think this year it lasted longer and seemed worse...
Especially the end of the year.
These past two or so weeks have been so emotionally draining that I am surprised I have come through as strong as I have.
I find myself not only working on myself but helping out others who need me. I am learning how hard it is to be a friend. I am learning bad words to call people whose guts I want to rip out. :P
I am still fighting some of the same, old battles of fear; and I am working hard to not be paralyzed by them.
I am still good at "canning" emotion and putting up a brave face and pretending nothing is wrong at work. I actually worked every day this week (except today) and still lived. I even smiled and laughed.
Today I have been going through facebook and doing my semi-annual "My Life Would Suck Without You" appreciation round for people who matter in my life and are making the difference in everything. It makes me cry to remember where I was and how far I have come. But in the "circular stairway" model of things in life, I have never come so far as it seems.
This year, life beings anew.
I have always hated making resolutions. Usually putting them off until the last day in January and then making a list of a whole pile of things that could take years to accomplish.
This year my one resolution is to save a certain amount of money. And I am not going to make any others. And I am going to FORCE myself not to make any others.
Why money?
Well, I need a bit of savings, so it is a good idea. And I can save small amounts, but I have a very bad record on self-control and I usually keep my resolve on any thing for a week... maybe two.
It is a big thing for me, and I know that if I can do this I will not only have done it, but I will have a very pretty nest egg that I can count on in the future. *minus inflation, etc, etc... >/
I am going to force myself not to make any others because the tendency of blaming myself for things and, of course, trying to fix myself so that everyone else's problems will go away. This year is going to be a no-pressure year.
I am who I am and I will serve God as me.
Begin anew.
I totally wish you the best of upcoming years.
I was definitely glad to see the year go.
It was definitely filled with the most change, upheaval, growth, and pain of any year. Although 2004 stands to be reckoned with, I think this year it lasted longer and seemed worse...
Especially the end of the year.
These past two or so weeks have been so emotionally draining that I am surprised I have come through as strong as I have.
I find myself not only working on myself but helping out others who need me. I am learning how hard it is to be a friend. I am learning bad words to call people whose guts I want to rip out. :P
I am still fighting some of the same, old battles of fear; and I am working hard to not be paralyzed by them.
I am still good at "canning" emotion and putting up a brave face and pretending nothing is wrong at work. I actually worked every day this week (except today) and still lived. I even smiled and laughed.
Today I have been going through facebook and doing my semi-annual "My Life Would Suck Without You" appreciation round for people who matter in my life and are making the difference in everything. It makes me cry to remember where I was and how far I have come. But in the "circular stairway" model of things in life, I have never come so far as it seems.
This year, life beings anew.
I have always hated making resolutions. Usually putting them off until the last day in January and then making a list of a whole pile of things that could take years to accomplish.
This year my one resolution is to save a certain amount of money. And I am not going to make any others. And I am going to FORCE myself not to make any others.
Why money?
Well, I need a bit of savings, so it is a good idea. And I can save small amounts, but I have a very bad record on self-control and I usually keep my resolve on any thing for a week... maybe two.
It is a big thing for me, and I know that if I can do this I will not only have done it, but I will have a very pretty nest egg that I can count on in the future. *minus inflation, etc, etc... >/
I am going to force myself not to make any others because the tendency of blaming myself for things and, of course, trying to fix myself so that everyone else's problems will go away. This year is going to be a no-pressure year.
I am who I am and I will serve God as me.
Begin anew.
December 25, 2010
Ka-Boom
I woke up on Christmas Eve in one of the worst depressed moods I have been in in a looong time.
It paralyzed me for most of the day, although I was able to act like I was happy for some of the evening while I was with people. I have spent a couple hours playing FreeCell and listening to my youtube playlist and I realized a couple reasons for everything. (Yay for processing! And yay for a potential solution?)
1) I had a dream that morning about work and the promotion I was hoping to get. Somehow the new CSM was my mom and she was making a schedule of work and I overheard her telling one other people to leave room for me to train for bookkeeper.
-- So somehow my subconscious is looking forward to getting it. Making it a sure thing instead of just a possibility. I am also having authority issues as I see the new CSM like I see my mom (she is SO not like my mom). I sure hope we have a better relationship!
2) I shared deeply of myself recently. Things I have not told many people, and things that I have kept hidden for a long time. I feel incredibly vulnerable and it is triggering my trust issues. Red alert; hide; protect yourself; etc. Every time I do this (share) I get this gut feeling that the person I share with will abandon me/hurt me/break my trust/something. It has happened in the past, so it is not entirely an irrational response. I just didn't see it coming this time.
3) I am a "physical touch" love language person. Around the time I became a teenager it became a bad thing to hug and tackle hug (my favorite) and to touch other people in general. So I buried it along with the other parts of me that were deemed inappropriate/bad/unladylike/etc.
Recently, I had a reciprocation of affection in the form of holding hands and hugs and it totally sent me for a tailspin. I found myself humming happy tunes to myself (and by the time I realized it I had apparently been doing it all day), and dancing around the room, and overall feeling like life was beautiful.
--- now life is back to normal.
I feel like my closet of issues got the door unlocked and came crashing down on me. I spent most of the morning crushed, trying to push things off me and work out what exactly was the matter. I even passive-aggressive asked people for help and then refused to talk to them.
I feel like a stick of dynamite that exploded all over w hen it shouldn't have and messed every one's holiday up....
It paralyzed me for most of the day, although I was able to act like I was happy for some of the evening while I was with people. I have spent a couple hours playing FreeCell and listening to my youtube playlist and I realized a couple reasons for everything. (Yay for processing! And yay for a potential solution?)
1) I had a dream that morning about work and the promotion I was hoping to get. Somehow the new CSM was my mom and she was making a schedule of work and I overheard her telling one other people to leave room for me to train for bookkeeper.
-- So somehow my subconscious is looking forward to getting it. Making it a sure thing instead of just a possibility. I am also having authority issues as I see the new CSM like I see my mom (she is SO not like my mom). I sure hope we have a better relationship!
2) I shared deeply of myself recently. Things I have not told many people, and things that I have kept hidden for a long time. I feel incredibly vulnerable and it is triggering my trust issues. Red alert; hide; protect yourself; etc. Every time I do this (share) I get this gut feeling that the person I share with will abandon me/hurt me/break my trust/something. It has happened in the past, so it is not entirely an irrational response. I just didn't see it coming this time.
3) I am a "physical touch" love language person. Around the time I became a teenager it became a bad thing to hug and tackle hug (my favorite) and to touch other people in general. So I buried it along with the other parts of me that were deemed inappropriate/bad/unladylike/etc.
Recently, I had a reciprocation of affection in the form of holding hands and hugs and it totally sent me for a tailspin. I found myself humming happy tunes to myself (and by the time I realized it I had apparently been doing it all day), and dancing around the room, and overall feeling like life was beautiful.
--- now life is back to normal.
I feel like my closet of issues got the door unlocked and came crashing down on me. I spent most of the morning crushed, trying to push things off me and work out what exactly was the matter. I even passive-aggressive asked people for help and then refused to talk to them.
I feel like a stick of dynamite that exploded all over w hen it shouldn't have and messed every one's holiday up....
December 18, 2010
Father Thoughts
Lately I have been playing this song over and over again:
I keep having trouble being able to accept that I am loved by God.
As a father-figure.
As MY FATHER.
I dont remember much of my very young childhood, but I do remember this one secret name thing my dad and I had for eachother that we made up on our one furlough out west. He liked it a lot and I liked the rhyming aspect of it. I was his little girl.
As I grew up, somehow we lost that. I remember being concerned about something and asking him if I could talk to him about it. He had an errand to run that was a 30-minute motorcycle-trip away and so he let me ride behind him and try to ask about it.
It was something I had overheard my mother saying to someone else about "how much time" he spent at home versus away doing "ministry." I was shocked when I first heard that, but I watched and realized it was true. I hardly ever saw my Daddy.
I tried to tell him it in my 10-year-old knowledge of emotional distance, but I remember him turning it into a debate. He challenged me to make a graph of the time he was "at home" and the time he was away. I remember dutifully keeping that list for a week before I threw it away. #1 problem was that he was right. He was "at home" much more often than he was gone. #2 problem was that the graph was messy. #3 problem was that I didn't want to talk about it all of the sudden.
I realize now that I am older that although he was physically "at home" all the hours he was sleeping or eating, or doing something ELSE and not with us is what I should have been counting. Because even after all that I had to force (or ask ahead) to get him to myself.
I remember a couple months ago, an old family friend telling me that my father loved me. I bust into tears and shook my head. No, I remember with perfect clarity the last time I KNEW my daddy loved me.
It was September. I may have been 11 or twelve, I don't remember exactly the year.
We had just had a fellowship at our house, and it was a bummer night for me. I had wanted a couple things to play out and stuff had gone wrong. I especially wanted to talk with a certain boy and he had ignored me the whole night.
I sat down on the couch dejected and upset about life in general not going the way I would have liked.
Somehow Daddy was walking by, and instead of doing any of the number of things he might have had to do; he sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulder, and asked me how I was and how things were going.
I remember that something inside broke and I turned towards him, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. In public, in the middle of our living room.
I remember that the boy I wanted to talk to walked off and I didnt care that he left for the night. I dont think I ever SAID anything, or that Daddy said anything else. But I remember crying and hugging him and him hugging me and knowing that he loved me and that it was ok.
Since then.... I dont know. I know that a lot of times he did not love me. Or the family. That we were not his first priority. And it still hurts me to this day.
Talking about it today triggered all these memories I think. Right now all I want to do is have him see how hard I am crying and to ask him WHY.
I remember not too many months ago when I had to ask him for permission to use the phone. He pressed me for all the details and what exactly I was going to say and why I needed it and why I needed it at that time. After a couple minutes of this he said that I needed to wait until he got home so we could talk about it.... more.
I have never been so exasperated! I remember being so angry that my hands shook so badly that I dropped the phone and I could not really control myself. Mother thought I had "thrown" the phone and she was mad at me for that. She said I was "throwing a temper tantrum" because he did not just give me what I wanted right away. I screamed incoherently something about "that is not true" and started crying. She said it was so true and too look at myself. I was throwing a huge pity party.
I remember not being able to see clearly and almost screaming at her: "He calls THIS love? He SAYS HE LOVES ME?!?!"
I dont remember what she said. I remember pushing past shocked and frozen little siblings (who heard me screaming and came running) to hid in my room the rest of the day. (I was grounded anyway, so I was technically just returning to my cell)
I'm not sure how all this interprets, but maybe its the trust issues that we children all have are cropping up for me this past week. Any serious relationship I have has been hampered by them. And right now I cant sleep, tormented by the question "Why?" and the tears that only flow as long as the heart grieves.
I keep having trouble being able to accept that I am loved by God.
As a father-figure.
As MY FATHER.
I dont remember much of my very young childhood, but I do remember this one secret name thing my dad and I had for eachother that we made up on our one furlough out west. He liked it a lot and I liked the rhyming aspect of it. I was his little girl.
As I grew up, somehow we lost that. I remember being concerned about something and asking him if I could talk to him about it. He had an errand to run that was a 30-minute motorcycle-trip away and so he let me ride behind him and try to ask about it.
It was something I had overheard my mother saying to someone else about "how much time" he spent at home versus away doing "ministry." I was shocked when I first heard that, but I watched and realized it was true. I hardly ever saw my Daddy.
I tried to tell him it in my 10-year-old knowledge of emotional distance, but I remember him turning it into a debate. He challenged me to make a graph of the time he was "at home" and the time he was away. I remember dutifully keeping that list for a week before I threw it away. #1 problem was that he was right. He was "at home" much more often than he was gone. #2 problem was that the graph was messy. #3 problem was that I didn't want to talk about it all of the sudden.
I realize now that I am older that although he was physically "at home" all the hours he was sleeping or eating, or doing something ELSE and not with us is what I should have been counting. Because even after all that I had to force (or ask ahead) to get him to myself.
I remember a couple months ago, an old family friend telling me that my father loved me. I bust into tears and shook my head. No, I remember with perfect clarity the last time I KNEW my daddy loved me.
It was September. I may have been 11 or twelve, I don't remember exactly the year.
We had just had a fellowship at our house, and it was a bummer night for me. I had wanted a couple things to play out and stuff had gone wrong. I especially wanted to talk with a certain boy and he had ignored me the whole night.
I sat down on the couch dejected and upset about life in general not going the way I would have liked.
Somehow Daddy was walking by, and instead of doing any of the number of things he might have had to do; he sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulder, and asked me how I was and how things were going.
I remember that something inside broke and I turned towards him, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. In public, in the middle of our living room.
I remember that the boy I wanted to talk to walked off and I didnt care that he left for the night. I dont think I ever SAID anything, or that Daddy said anything else. But I remember crying and hugging him and him hugging me and knowing that he loved me and that it was ok.
Since then.... I dont know. I know that a lot of times he did not love me. Or the family. That we were not his first priority. And it still hurts me to this day.
Talking about it today triggered all these memories I think. Right now all I want to do is have him see how hard I am crying and to ask him WHY.
I remember not too many months ago when I had to ask him for permission to use the phone. He pressed me for all the details and what exactly I was going to say and why I needed it and why I needed it at that time. After a couple minutes of this he said that I needed to wait until he got home so we could talk about it.... more.
I have never been so exasperated! I remember being so angry that my hands shook so badly that I dropped the phone and I could not really control myself. Mother thought I had "thrown" the phone and she was mad at me for that. She said I was "throwing a temper tantrum" because he did not just give me what I wanted right away. I screamed incoherently something about "that is not true" and started crying. She said it was so true and too look at myself. I was throwing a huge pity party.
I remember not being able to see clearly and almost screaming at her: "He calls THIS love? He SAYS HE LOVES ME?!?!"
I dont remember what she said. I remember pushing past shocked and frozen little siblings (who heard me screaming and came running) to hid in my room the rest of the day. (I was grounded anyway, so I was technically just returning to my cell)
I'm not sure how all this interprets, but maybe its the trust issues that we children all have are cropping up for me this past week. Any serious relationship I have has been hampered by them. And right now I cant sleep, tormented by the question "Why?" and the tears that only flow as long as the heart grieves.
December 16, 2010
Life (2)
Ok, so I am on an out as far as creativity is concerned.
I dont know if it is the weather, or temperature, or stuff happening, or staying up too late at night, or what, but Ive been having pretty severe mood swings this week.
~From happy/excited to crying/depressed and back and inbetween.
The girls at work have been telling me how quiet and serious I have been lately and I have had to wonder myself. Most times I feel "normal" (well, like how I always do inside) but I just have nothing to say.
That is how phone conversations have been to. I sit quiet and let the other person talk, which has been an exercise as well as a general lack of ideas on my part of topics to discuss.
I *did* talk to the girl-who-was-taking-charge and she said I would have to talk with the Store Manager.
At first he was really curt with me (he has been looking upset all week, people talking with him all the time, stuff like that). I did not want to talk with him while someone else was arguing with him about some aspect of the store, and I didnt want to disturb him if he was doing anything serious. So, I dont know what was different about Monday, but something inside told me to ask him TODAY.
I found the courage in the afternoon as he was leaving front end. "____, I have a break around 4. Could I talk to you then?"
He looked at me askance, and then nodded and walked off.
Then, as I got my lunch (soup. it was SOOOO cold!!) he came to the cafe and sat down with me. I was suddenly scared to death, and I realized that I had not rehearsed anything to say, or figured out how to approach the subject. I think he realized how hesitant I was and he got nicer and more gentle. He said that I would have to "prove myself" to the new CSM and after a week or two I should ask them.
All things considered it went pretty well. But I know I have to be really ready before I "talk to people in authority" because I have this excessive fear about getting yelled at or brushed off by them.
When talking about it later I burst into tears.
Just talking about it. Even now writing about it I am getting upset inside. All tight and my throat is burning.
On to other issues: I am learning how to budget and plan out getting a paycheck and bleeding it out to last two weeks. Repairing my car, buying myself food when I want something different from what they have at the house (rice :D), christmas presents, gas.... things like that that keep life interesting and teach me how to make it.
*que "I Made It" by the Cash Money Heroes.....
I dont know if it is the weather, or temperature, or stuff happening, or staying up too late at night, or what, but Ive been having pretty severe mood swings this week.
~From happy/excited to crying/depressed and back and inbetween.
The girls at work have been telling me how quiet and serious I have been lately and I have had to wonder myself. Most times I feel "normal" (well, like how I always do inside) but I just have nothing to say.
That is how phone conversations have been to. I sit quiet and let the other person talk, which has been an exercise as well as a general lack of ideas on my part of topics to discuss.
I *did* talk to the girl-who-was-taking-charge and she said I would have to talk with the Store Manager.
At first he was really curt with me (he has been looking upset all week, people talking with him all the time, stuff like that). I did not want to talk with him while someone else was arguing with him about some aspect of the store, and I didnt want to disturb him if he was doing anything serious. So, I dont know what was different about Monday, but something inside told me to ask him TODAY.
I found the courage in the afternoon as he was leaving front end. "____, I have a break around 4. Could I talk to you then?"
He looked at me askance, and then nodded and walked off.
Then, as I got my lunch (soup. it was SOOOO cold!!) he came to the cafe and sat down with me. I was suddenly scared to death, and I realized that I had not rehearsed anything to say, or figured out how to approach the subject. I think he realized how hesitant I was and he got nicer and more gentle. He said that I would have to "prove myself" to the new CSM and after a week or two I should ask them.
All things considered it went pretty well. But I know I have to be really ready before I "talk to people in authority" because I have this excessive fear about getting yelled at or brushed off by them.
When talking about it later I burst into tears.
Just talking about it. Even now writing about it I am getting upset inside. All tight and my throat is burning.
On to other issues: I am learning how to budget and plan out getting a paycheck and bleeding it out to last two weeks. Repairing my car, buying myself food when I want something different from what they have at the house (rice :D), christmas presents, gas.... things like that that keep life interesting and teach me how to make it.
*que "I Made It" by the Cash Money Heroes.....
December 8, 2010
Life...
I am learning more things and trying to grow, and hopefully getting stronger.
I am learning now about the difference between worldviews and how they affect one's life.
I am really scared about saying anything at work because two employees left/got fired/something happened. I fear that if I ask what happened I will get censured.
Mrs. G keeps telling me that they are not "looking for sin" in my life.
One of the leavings/fires/disappeared was the guy in charge who was planning on moving me up the ranks to become a book keeper. I am now wondering what my future holds if I am stuck making minimum wage as a cashier.
Mrs. G encouraged me to talk to the girl who is taking over until a new manager-in charge-person comes in. She said that I need to let people know that I want to move up and do more and that it would be looked on favorably for me to be trying to take on more responsibility. I was afraid that I would be seen as self-seeking, or pushy or something.
*sigh. Sometimes I see just how starkly all this has been entrenched in my mind, as well as how little I really know about the outside world. It is nice to not have to be concerned. But at the same time I am not sure I entirely believe her. Is she sure? Will it really be ok?
I am so messed up...
I am learning now about the difference between worldviews and how they affect one's life.
I am really scared about saying anything at work because two employees left/got fired/something happened. I fear that if I ask what happened I will get censured.
Mrs. G keeps telling me that they are not "looking for sin" in my life.
One of the leavings/fires/disappeared was the guy in charge who was planning on moving me up the ranks to become a book keeper. I am now wondering what my future holds if I am stuck making minimum wage as a cashier.
Mrs. G encouraged me to talk to the girl who is taking over until a new manager-in charge-person comes in. She said that I need to let people know that I want to move up and do more and that it would be looked on favorably for me to be trying to take on more responsibility. I was afraid that I would be seen as self-seeking, or pushy or something.
*sigh. Sometimes I see just how starkly all this has been entrenched in my mind, as well as how little I really know about the outside world. It is nice to not have to be concerned. But at the same time I am not sure I entirely believe her. Is she sure? Will it really be ok?
I am so messed up...
December 3, 2010
The War of Darkness and Light (pt. 1)
One of the biggest mental shifts I have had to make in transitioning out of cult-like teachings is the "us vs. them" mentality which I have heard some people say is the worst of all the teachings.
Immediate judgements are my specialty. With my ready, sarcastic, wit I can easily hurt someone and I am very good at making spot-judgements as to the person's spirituality, modestly, humility, attitude, etc.
Just call a spade a spade: pride and superiority is the base attitudes behind all this. (and I think the base of the reason why some people attack others who seem to be a harm to their teachings/enterprise)
I know better, I AM better, I have the answer, I know why you are struggling so much with this.
My first step to overcoming this shameful habit, was to work on my "Black and White" vision.
Something is either black or white. Good or bad. Godly or sinful. God's or Satan's.
There is no alternative. No other options. My mother used to say many times "...there are only two powers in this world. God and Satan. If it is not 'of God' then what is it....?"
And this way of thinking is also just the easiest way of living life. Whenever anything comes up (if it has not already been decided by the system) that has not been placed into one of the two categories it is immediately (and hastily) scrutinized and then padlocked into one of them.
Why do you think these groups/churches break apart so easily?
Why do the list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" vary so drastically within these family-cults?
(ie. disney movies vs. no-disney movies vs. no movies, TV, or anything; skirts only vs. culottes acceptable; long hair vs. hair always up vs. hair-covering vs. braids vs. curls; makeup vs. no paint)
(ps. these are only some of the "debates" I have personally overheard/been in in conservative circles. This one family who thought "courtship" was too liberal had an extensive collection of disney movies. This other family who had nothing really against carefully planned dating would not enter the other family's house because of the disney movies, and they were upset that their daughter [age 5] pointed to the brightly colored cassette cases and asked what they were [CONTAMINATION!!!!])
"Like minded" is more than just a system of worldview when your worldview is so highly specialized.
Each box of "dark" and "light" must contain the same items. An overlap can lead to an outbreak of debate, disharmony, difficulties in families being together and [heaven forbid] questions from the children.
Imagine how hard it is for a child who has loved disney movies her whole life to suddenly have her new friend telling her they are evil. In Satan's box.
Imagine now a young man meeting the teenaged son of another family and hearing the other boy talk about his dating experience.
It is generally termed "cognitive dissonance" and it seriously screws with a child's ability to place things in boxes and KEEP them there.
Yet it (putting things in boxes) must be done. There are no other options.
Two boxes vs. everything in "the world."
Back to my story: My first step was to try to break out of the "two sizes must fit all" mentality.
Is sex before marriage going to send you to hell?
How about just "emotional impurity?"
What happens if you leave your parents without their permission?
Are all gay people really God-haters?
Is birth control really intentional child-killing?
Aren't all feminists man-haters?
Buying something for yourself is gluttony/selfishness.
Any and all of the above were things I personally had to think over. Boxes that had to be hacked open with the sword of division, and re-evaluated.
And there have to be more categories. Because not everything is black OR white. Some things can be either/or. Some things have nothing to do with sin or not sin.
(Personal example: Jeans. My sister was talking to me on the phone one day after she left, telling me how versatile and easy jeans were to wear/match/go out in/work in. She told me her amazing discovery. Wearing jeans was not a SIN. In fact, it had nothing to do with morality at all. It was a PIECE OF CLOTHING. It was not black. It was not white. It was not a color at all. It did not need a box.
It blew my mind like it blew hers)
[ps. yes, my father firmly believed and taught and debated the fact that jeans were symbols of the '60s era rebellion. That people wore them as rebellion and to go against the culture and that wearing jeans was only going back to that and everyone who wore them was a rebel. If one had hard labor to perform, like feeding the pigs, or painting, or doing handyman work (he had a pair of them) then jeans were acceptable. Not preferred, and not OK, merely acceptable]
It is hard work. It is disturbing to find out the level of hate and prejudice that I have for people who have not harmed me or done anything other than claim a label. I have not even met some people in these evil groups (well, I guess I have met most of them now, but I hadn't for a while) and I have condemned them all to hell-fire. Just for something they have decided is right in their own lives.
So the guy training me may be gay. Is he any less-qualified to train me? Am I too good to be trained by him? Does it affect our work-related job?
So, my fellow casheir-girl is 17 and on birth control. Do I shun her lifestyle, choices, and life-goals? Do I preach abstinence at her every time we work together?
The distaste in my mouth is a good feeling. I do not want to be a proud, arrogant holier-than-thou snob. I was for too many years. It never got me anywhere, and in fact it alienated people I might have become good friends with.....
(next part I will discuss more of the pride/superiority aspect)
Immediate judgements are my specialty. With my ready, sarcastic, wit I can easily hurt someone and I am very good at making spot-judgements as to the person's spirituality, modestly, humility, attitude, etc.
Just call a spade a spade: pride and superiority is the base attitudes behind all this. (and I think the base of the reason why some people attack others who seem to be a harm to their teachings/enterprise)
I know better, I AM better, I have the answer, I know why you are struggling so much with this.
My first step to overcoming this shameful habit, was to work on my "Black and White" vision.
Something is either black or white. Good or bad. Godly or sinful. God's or Satan's.
There is no alternative. No other options. My mother used to say many times "...there are only two powers in this world. God and Satan. If it is not 'of God' then what is it....?"
And this way of thinking is also just the easiest way of living life. Whenever anything comes up (if it has not already been decided by the system) that has not been placed into one of the two categories it is immediately (and hastily) scrutinized and then padlocked into one of them.
Legalism is the lazy man’s faith. It takes the beauty and serenity of God’s rest and reduces it to something we’re more comfortable with—an easy list of rules to keep.You never have to think about that thing. You never have to puzzle your mind about whether it's idiosyncrasies might make it belong to another category, because there is no other category.
Why do you think these groups/churches break apart so easily?
Why do the list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" vary so drastically within these family-cults?
(ie. disney movies vs. no-disney movies vs. no movies, TV, or anything; skirts only vs. culottes acceptable; long hair vs. hair always up vs. hair-covering vs. braids vs. curls; makeup vs. no paint)
(ps. these are only some of the "debates" I have personally overheard/been in in conservative circles. This one family who thought "courtship" was too liberal had an extensive collection of disney movies. This other family who had nothing really against carefully planned dating would not enter the other family's house because of the disney movies, and they were upset that their daughter [age 5] pointed to the brightly colored cassette cases and asked what they were [CONTAMINATION!!!!])
"Like minded" is more than just a system of worldview when your worldview is so highly specialized.
Each box of "dark" and "light" must contain the same items. An overlap can lead to an outbreak of debate, disharmony, difficulties in families being together and [heaven forbid] questions from the children.
Imagine how hard it is for a child who has loved disney movies her whole life to suddenly have her new friend telling her they are evil. In Satan's box.
Imagine now a young man meeting the teenaged son of another family and hearing the other boy talk about his dating experience.
It is generally termed "cognitive dissonance" and it seriously screws with a child's ability to place things in boxes and KEEP them there.
Yet it (putting things in boxes) must be done. There are no other options.
Two boxes vs. everything in "the world."
Back to my story: My first step was to try to break out of the "two sizes must fit all" mentality.
Is sex before marriage going to send you to hell?
How about just "emotional impurity?"
What happens if you leave your parents without their permission?
Are all gay people really God-haters?
Is birth control really intentional child-killing?
Aren't all feminists man-haters?
Buying something for yourself is gluttony/selfishness.
Any and all of the above were things I personally had to think over. Boxes that had to be hacked open with the sword of division, and re-evaluated.
And there have to be more categories. Because not everything is black OR white. Some things can be either/or. Some things have nothing to do with sin or not sin.
(Personal example: Jeans. My sister was talking to me on the phone one day after she left, telling me how versatile and easy jeans were to wear/match/go out in/work in. She told me her amazing discovery. Wearing jeans was not a SIN. In fact, it had nothing to do with morality at all. It was a PIECE OF CLOTHING. It was not black. It was not white. It was not a color at all. It did not need a box.
It blew my mind like it blew hers)
[ps. yes, my father firmly believed and taught and debated the fact that jeans were symbols of the '60s era rebellion. That people wore them as rebellion and to go against the culture and that wearing jeans was only going back to that and everyone who wore them was a rebel. If one had hard labor to perform, like feeding the pigs, or painting, or doing handyman work (he had a pair of them) then jeans were acceptable. Not preferred, and not OK, merely acceptable]
It is hard work. It is disturbing to find out the level of hate and prejudice that I have for people who have not harmed me or done anything other than claim a label. I have not even met some people in these evil groups (well, I guess I have met most of them now, but I hadn't for a while) and I have condemned them all to hell-fire. Just for something they have decided is right in their own lives.
So the guy training me may be gay. Is he any less-qualified to train me? Am I too good to be trained by him? Does it affect our work-related job?
So, my fellow casheir-girl is 17 and on birth control. Do I shun her lifestyle, choices, and life-goals? Do I preach abstinence at her every time we work together?
The distaste in my mouth is a good feeling. I do not want to be a proud, arrogant holier-than-thou snob. I was for too many years. It never got me anywhere, and in fact it alienated people I might have become good friends with.....
(next part I will discuss more of the pride/superiority aspect)
November 30, 2010
"I used to..."
I can't seem to take my eyes off them.
These ladies come into the store about twice a week and usually on Tuesdays. I watch them as they walk around, as they put things into their cart, and as they go through checkout. It isn't just an intense fascination, it is sheer familiarity.
I can feel my skirt, like phantom pains for a lost limb, swishing around my ankles. I can feel my hair reaching all the way to my hips. I can see me staring at myself like I was a freak show, like other people used to stare at me.
I was working with a new department; training to open in the mornings, and the guy who was training me noticed how I looked. I "apologized" saying something to the effect of "I used to look like that."
His face changed drastically. First he was surprised, then incredulous, then he looked me over and his face said he didn't believe me.
I had to laugh. Yes, I am a far cry from that; now. But I am telling the truth.
He asked me: "What faith is that?"
I hesitated and he waited.
"I would not call it a faith, more like organized religion..." I fumbled trying to express something cognizant in a nutshell of a moment.
"It is an extreme, conservative branch of evangelical fundamentalism."
He nodded.
I asked if he had heard of "patriarchy" or "quiverful."
He nodded with a pretty sure face. Then he said: "They are good people."
I looked at him and wondered, and asked how he meant.
He said: "Well, the are always nice and their kids are well behaved and respectful...."
He turned and saw my face and that I was about to correct him and he said: "Well, at least in public."
I coughed a little and said something about being forced to with shame and discipline, and he though about that for a while.
By then they were gone from the store, and we didn't talk about it anymore.
These ladies come into the store about twice a week and usually on Tuesdays. I watch them as they walk around, as they put things into their cart, and as they go through checkout. It isn't just an intense fascination, it is sheer familiarity.
I can feel my skirt, like phantom pains for a lost limb, swishing around my ankles. I can feel my hair reaching all the way to my hips. I can see me staring at myself like I was a freak show, like other people used to stare at me.
I was working with a new department; training to open in the mornings, and the guy who was training me noticed how I looked. I "apologized" saying something to the effect of "I used to look like that."
His face changed drastically. First he was surprised, then incredulous, then he looked me over and his face said he didn't believe me.
I had to laugh. Yes, I am a far cry from that; now. But I am telling the truth.
He asked me: "What faith is that?"
I hesitated and he waited.
"I would not call it a faith, more like organized religion..." I fumbled trying to express something cognizant in a nutshell of a moment.
"It is an extreme, conservative branch of evangelical fundamentalism."
He nodded.
I asked if he had heard of "patriarchy" or "quiverful."
He nodded with a pretty sure face. Then he said: "They are good people."
I looked at him and wondered, and asked how he meant.
He said: "Well, the are always nice and their kids are well behaved and respectful...."
He turned and saw my face and that I was about to correct him and he said: "Well, at least in public."
I coughed a little and said something about being forced to with shame and discipline, and he though about that for a while.
By then they were gone from the store, and we didn't talk about it anymore.
Holiday Thoughts
Thanksgiving is to grocery stores what Black Friday is to "stuff" stores.
We were all working mega hours, breaking for a breath and to rest our feet and then back at it again.
Then, suddenly, it was over.
Holidays were never big in our family. We bucked tradition at all points possible, but we usually celebrated thanksgiving by having people over and doing some Bible Study/Fellowship.
Grandparents, friends, any available people.
For thanksgiving I didn't have to cook at all. In fact, I barely did anything. We hung out, watched movies, and ate until the food was gone.
The day after thanksgiving Mrs. G and family got out all the Christmas decorations. I must say that it was fun putting on decorations after not doing it so long. I also got to put lights up outside which I have never done.
At work I am training for a new, different part of the store. Saturday I have to do it all by myself.
Then, my manager said he will have me train to learn book keeping.
God has been so amazing through my journey to where I am now. I was just trying to explain today to my "trainer" why I was 20 and not in college and excited for my first job. The look on his face was priceless when I answered some of his questions. I guess I should get used to it. When people hear weird stories they get that look on their face. I am learning what "normal" is and what it is not.
Anyway, back to God. I would not be here if not for the work He has been doing. I have not actually read a Bible in a couple months. Not that I have not had scripture around me, because I do attend church and I have biblegateway.com that gets me the exact verse I was thinking of.
It has been so liberating to get to know Him without the trappings and chains of organized study. Or scheduled prayer, or Bible readings, or anything.
At my lunch breaks, I sometimes lean my head on my knees and breathe. I whisper something like: "I am so glad You are here with me, and that You love me, and that You are making my path unfold before me..."
I really have no idea where life will take me next. I am not really brave enough to think about facing it on my own, but that is why He is with me. If I have learned anything, I have learned that He loves me, and that He is with me. And that makes it all worthwhile.
We were all working mega hours, breaking for a breath and to rest our feet and then back at it again.
Then, suddenly, it was over.
Holidays were never big in our family. We bucked tradition at all points possible, but we usually celebrated thanksgiving by having people over and doing some Bible Study/Fellowship.
Grandparents, friends, any available people.
For thanksgiving I didn't have to cook at all. In fact, I barely did anything. We hung out, watched movies, and ate until the food was gone.
The day after thanksgiving Mrs. G and family got out all the Christmas decorations. I must say that it was fun putting on decorations after not doing it so long. I also got to put lights up outside which I have never done.
At work I am training for a new, different part of the store. Saturday I have to do it all by myself.
Then, my manager said he will have me train to learn book keeping.
God has been so amazing through my journey to where I am now. I was just trying to explain today to my "trainer" why I was 20 and not in college and excited for my first job. The look on his face was priceless when I answered some of his questions. I guess I should get used to it. When people hear weird stories they get that look on their face. I am learning what "normal" is and what it is not.
Anyway, back to God. I would not be here if not for the work He has been doing. I have not actually read a Bible in a couple months. Not that I have not had scripture around me, because I do attend church and I have biblegateway.com that gets me the exact verse I was thinking of.
It has been so liberating to get to know Him without the trappings and chains of organized study. Or scheduled prayer, or Bible readings, or anything.
At my lunch breaks, I sometimes lean my head on my knees and breathe. I whisper something like: "I am so glad You are here with me, and that You love me, and that You are making my path unfold before me..."
I really have no idea where life will take me next. I am not really brave enough to think about facing it on my own, but that is why He is with me. If I have learned anything, I have learned that He loves me, and that He is with me. And that makes it all worthwhile.
November 19, 2010
My response to "Steadfast Daughters" (2)
This verse came to me as I was writing these ladies and email:
(their blog is still closed to any comments)
Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
Does that sound familiar? I think Stacy, Christy, and their crew would say they are righteous. That they are sure they are doing the best thing; standing in self-elected judgement over a sister in Christ.
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
One the epitome of evil, and one pure "godliness"
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector.
And on their comments-closed blog they say amongst themselves: "God, we thank You that we have the opportunity to share the truth with these sinful girls who have been lead astray by deception, antinomianism, selfishness, self-pity, and such. Thank You that we are not like them.
I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’
We submit to our husbands, and have houses full of ship-shape children who have not (and will not.... had better not!!) rebelled against us. We glorify Your name in all our writings and speeches and use the money we make from it for godly purposes.
And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’
And Hillary, and the girls (like me) who have been through enough to turn our hair grey lay on the floor, weeping, saying: "God, Your grace and love for me are amazing. I don't know why You care, or what I have done to deserve it. I am so weak and emotionally spent right now that I can't get off the floor. But I know You are there, and You are my only answer, and the sole reason for Hope in this wretched life."
And then we fall into an exhausted sleep, to wake up the next morning and face the world again, full of hard work, pain, and abusers: like our parents, and Stacy McDonald and all her clan.
(their blog is still closed to any comments)
Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
Does that sound familiar? I think Stacy, Christy, and their crew would say they are righteous. That they are sure they are doing the best thing; standing in self-elected judgement over a sister in Christ.
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
One the epitome of evil, and one pure "godliness"
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector.
And on their comments-closed blog they say amongst themselves: "God, we thank You that we have the opportunity to share the truth with these sinful girls who have been lead astray by deception, antinomianism, selfishness, self-pity, and such. Thank You that we are not like them.
I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’
We submit to our husbands, and have houses full of ship-shape children who have not (and will not.... had better not!!) rebelled against us. We glorify Your name in all our writings and speeches and use the money we make from it for godly purposes.
And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’
And Hillary, and the girls (like me) who have been through enough to turn our hair grey lay on the floor, weeping, saying: "God, Your grace and love for me are amazing. I don't know why You care, or what I have done to deserve it. I am so weak and emotionally spent right now that I can't get off the floor. But I know You are there, and You are my only answer, and the sole reason for Hope in this wretched life."
And then we fall into an exhausted sleep, to wake up the next morning and face the world again, full of hard work, pain, and abusers: like our parents, and Stacy McDonald and all her clan.
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